SAY "CHEESE!" - TUESDAY

Cubs Nation rejoices after opening day loss when they realize that Fukudome is on pace to steal 3rd 162 times, have 486 RBIs, 162 runs, 162 homeruns and hit 1.000 with a perfect fielding percentage

THE RIVALFISH TEN WORDS OR LESS MLB SEASON PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Every year magazine after magazine and web site after web site give you long winded baseball season previews filled with all kinds of well-informed projections based on "facts." Well, facts are meaningless, you can use them to prove anything that's even remotely true. That's why this year, I'm cutting the baseball season preview down to size. So, ladies and...ah, who the fuck am I kidding. Gentlemen, this is your 2008 appropriately proportioned RivalFish Major League Baseball season preview- featuring only the important info: why each team will not win it all in ten words or less. Quick and to the point, just like a baseball game!

Mets
Too many white guys.

Phillies
Too coddled by their fans.

Braves
Players get fat with no Wickman to handle post-game spread.

Nationals
The Curse of Youppi.

Marlins
Players traded for a Wii.

Reds
Dusty.

Cubs
Anything I think of won't be as bad as reality.

Brewers
Prince won't play after finding out how sausage is made.

Astros
Rash of injuries after hills/flagpoles randomly added around field.

Cardinals
Spiezio's release leaves team without valuable red soul-patched douchebag option.

Pirates
Overslept.

Dodgers
Taking fans' queue, team arrives late, leaves early every night

Rockies
Overdo attempts to regain "America's darling" status. America turned off.

Padres
Pitching staff catches Tommy John from Prior.

Giants
Never recover from missing the calming, unifying presence of Bonds.

Diamondbacks
Uniforms used to be purple and teal. God doesn't forget.

Red Sox
Injuries to veterans force team to start younger, better players.

Yankees
A-Rod has recurring dream where every month is October.

Blue Jays
Canada.

Rays
Nobody turns their fucking back on the Devil. NOBODY!

Orioles
Tejada cleaned out the B-12 closet on his way out.

Indians
Team reads city name on front of their uniforms.

Tigers
Every all-star in world cannot replace Brandon Inge's pluckiness.

White Sox
Taking queue from manager/GM, team's too shy to succeed.

Royals
Royals.

Twins
You no like Delmon when he angry.

Angels
That Danny Glover doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

A's
Got stoned, forgot who promised "players to be named later."

Rangers
Just need some bats to go with all that pitching.

Mariners
Hat needs more trident.

BULLS HOLDING THOMAS BACK

by Alex Hryhorczuk, arh7@georgetown.edu

If you have been following Bulls basketball this season, I feel sorry for you. While it's obvious that we don't have the right mix of players, the problem is and has always been coaching and management (and idiot windbags like Jay Marriotti assuming they are the voice of the people of Chicago, rather than informing the people, which is his job.) John Paxson is a terrible GM. Jim Boylan is a worse coach and is making the same mistakes Skiles did. To try and demonstrate my point, I will profile one player, Tyrus Thomas, essentially picked 2nd overall by Chicago two years ago, and someone who has hardly become close to the player many fans envisioned when we drafted him (though I don't know what the front office 'envisioned' for him since they seem to lack any vision whatsoever.) I picked Thomas because while he has his faults, he is the most athletic player on the team and the most fun to watch when he is on the floor. And at the end of the day, the whole point of following the NBA is it's supposed to be fun to watch.

This chart shows the dispersion of minutes per game for Tyrus Thomas (blue) and LaMarcus Aldridge (red). I use Aldridge because the Bulls swapped him with Portland straight up and so they will forever be linked. Many people argue it was a mistake to take Thomas over Aldridge and they certainly have an argument, as Aldridge has established himself as a starter and a vital part of a resurgent Trail Blazers team. He is a better natural post scorer, which the Bulls desperately lack. Fine. I believe however that if Thomas stayed with the Blazers he would be on his way to superstardom by now, and Aldridge would not be near the player we see in Portland today. Take a look at the graph. There is no consistency or even trend to Tyrus Thomas' minutes. Aldridge plays consistently between 30-40 minutes a night with a few exceptions. Without getting too technical, standard deviation (SD) measures how widely spread the values in a data set are, or, how much deviation there is from the average. The SD of Aldridge's minutes (absent the 5 games he was injured since this would skew the data and make it useless) is 5.07. So, Aldridge can reasonably expect to play 34.5 minutes (his average) give or take 5 minutes (the SD). Looking at Thomas, on the other hand, he can expect to play 17 minutes (his average- fine) give or take 9.5 minutes (the SD- what!). In other words he does not know what the hell to expect and it's pretty clear the result is going to be that he is pissed off. The SD 9.5 does not include the games Thomas played 0 minutes due to team imposed suspensions, though maybe it should since this doesn't unfairly skew the statistic in the same way injury does. If you count the games he was suspended by the team the SD is closer to 10.0. So his SD is twice what Aldridge's is and he plays half the minutes! You don't need to be a statistics nerd for that to blow your mind. In other words, Thomas should reasonably expect to play between 7 and 27 minutes every night, i.e. he doesn't know what to expect. I wonder what he is thinking while he sits on the bench without a clue and if that's good for the team.

The next thing I looked for are trends- there are none. The statistics don't demonstrate a steady increase in minutes, they are completely scattered at random, and demonstrate just that, a team that has no idea where it is going or what it is doing with its parts. It is the reason there is so much resentment toward the front office and why the coach is losing the players. You don't follow a leader simply because he is in charge (or because he is signing your checks- the worst argument of all, more on that later), you follow him because you believe he is taking you somewhere. Thank God we don't have players who "fall into line" at the nonsensical whims of our idiot coach. Most great teams need a guy who you know will give you all he's got, whether you need him for 5 minutes or 20 (think Adam Burish). That guy is not your star. That guy should not be Tyrus Thomas, and management should not treat Thomas that way just to make a point about his immaturity.

The point of this graph is not to show how many more minutes Aldridge plays than Thomas (though it certainly does that, to date 2035 minutes this year to Thomas' 933. I wonder why he is further along as a player?). The point is really in the drastic deviation of how many minutes Ty Thomas plays a game- 28 minutes one night, 3 minutes the next, etc. It is enough to drive anyone crazy, let alone a 20 year-old freakishly athletic kid. To say that Thomas should just do what is expected of him is a poor argument, because how can he even begin to know what is reasonably expected of him? Do what you're told?? Please. This is the NBA. For Paxson to say that we sign his checks and therefore he should do what is asked of him and nothing more is saying that we the coaches and front office have zero accountability to our players. I don't think that is true. If the office you work at is run that way, quit now. Don't waste time waiting because it is never getting better for you. This is especially true if you don't have a clearly defined role where you work. Think about your job description. I bet it is pretty clearly defined and I bet you like it that way. It keeps management off your back and most importantly (and this may seem paradoxical) it allows you freedom to do things your own way and truly shine. It brings out the qualities that make you indispensable to your company (let's hope) and management cannot do this for you by redefining your role every day.

Drafting and cap management are extremely important, and I believe the Bulls have done a pretty good job with that (Artest, Brand, Jay Williams, Hinrich, Gordon, Curry, Chandler, Thomas, Noah). But player development is maybe the most important, and ours is abysmal and that is at root the management's fault. Apparently there are only 300 people in the world good enough to play at this level. Every team is drafting from the same pool. What you do with that talent says everything about the success of your organization.

It is true these are professionals and they need to act professionally. I am not making excuses for Thomas' or some other players' behavior. If you are siding with management on this issue I think the root of your frustration most likely boils down to the results on the floor, and I believe we are arguing from the same point of view. The problem though is with management, not with the players.

I could run into a little bit of a chicken or the egg argument with Thomas, because good play is rewarded with more minutes (theoretically) and so saying that a guy doesn't play enough is the reason he isn't better is a bad argument because maybe it is his own fault. But the erratic nature of Thomas' playing time is a result of idiotic management, because there can be no other explanation for it. I could track Thomas' numbers from the night before when his PT takes significant hits, but that would be pointless, because using the starting lineup or minutes played as some kind of reward/punishment for quality of play game in and game out is an idiotic way to run a team, too, no matter if the statistics support that or not.

If the Bulls don't want to develop talent, they should not draft projects. Don't draft a kid who has played 1 year of organized basketball (did Thomas even play in high school?), then unconscionably screw with his minutes, then blame him for being immature and complain that he doesn't have the post moves you're looking for. The Bulls have a serious issue with valuing their assets. They did the same thing with Tyson Chandler, a player they gave up Elton Brand to get. Then they got rid of him to get Ben Wallace. If they want to frustrate their players then turn the blame on them, they're doing a great job.

DIANETICS IS THE ANSWER

Please watch this video- its vague, generalized statements were enough to convince me that there's something better out there for me. Plus, it's easy to understand because everyone, regardless of nationality, is subtitled. Dianetics changed my life. join me, won't you?

LOOSE CHANGE 2nd Edition: Legitimate Questions Raised by this Rubbish

by Thor Teague

I saw this film for the first time this week and viewed it with an open mind, and made an honest effort to do my own homework. I read a number of physics publications as well as some published news stories. While I won't stoop to the level of those who rail on this film merely because they don't agree with it on a political basis, I have come to the conclusion that it is essentially bunk. Furthermore, it is reckless, baseless, and robbing people who have legitimate questions about 9/11 of a thoughtful, meaningful dialog by undermining the entire notion that circumstances surrounding 9/11 could, and, possibly should be questioned.

This film makes a number of assertions, many of which are at best questionable, several of which are easily debunk-able. For instance: The entire film rests on the baseless assumption that the towers and building seven were intentionally brought down. It brings up, for example, Popular Mechanics articles that were intended to put to rest this, and other claims like it. It never mentions the content of these articles, merely their existence.

First, buildings half the size of WTC are brought down with 4,000 charges. So assume 8,000 charges for both buildings, and an additional 4,000 for building 7. (REALLY rough guestimate but it's not necessary to be exact to make my point) for a grand total of 20,000 covertly placed charges.

An army of engineers, paid off to do this, would take months, working covertly and never spilling the beans. Assuming they worked from 5:30pm until 8:00am (and I think I know a thing or two about corporate America--that's too much to assume), it'd be a veritable miracle if they completed the task in less than a year. The WTC had a battalion of bomb-sniffing dogs, which, while off-duty for a few days leading up to 9/11, were not off-duty for months on end prior to the event. Not to mention someone outside of the conspirators might have noticed the 20,000 charges that had been installed.

There's a great article floating around on the sheer dollar amounts to pay off all the required people. Making a bold assumption (though certainly no bolder than the assumptions this film makes) on the poignant question of how much one could be paid to participate in the mass-murder of thousands of innocent people--American or otherwise; patriot or not--I think the number it comes up with is in the trillions.

Additionally, if I am to assume the government staged the attacks, it would seem useless to fly planes into the buildings *and* set charges. (The first edition asserts missiles, actually, but the second edition changed its mind to pre-set charges.) It begs the question, why bother with both? Would one or the other not have been enough to mobilize neocons? Or even a simple low-yield nuclear charge in one of the lower floors of both towers. Far, FAR fewer personnel required, far fewer variables in this scenario, and far cheaper. In the world of conspiracy, it's always best to keep the plan as simple as possible. Remember, most real conspiracies fail.

At any rate, debunking the crux of the film is enough for me--many, many published articles, books, papers, magazines, PBS and other documentaries--a veritable mountain of evidence, you might call it--to the contrary of this film already exists. An army of engineers and physicists, from this country and others, have picked the event apart down to the micron. If you bother to educate yourself, you will see Loose Change for what it is: an elaborate fraud, fabricated by charlatans. To what motive we can only guess.

And this only addresses the heart of the film, which is clearly not feasible. It does not touch on the manipulative use of out-of-context, misrepresented interviews, nor the slew of other "facts" which have been wholly debunked. Repeatedly. Independantly. (Go on and read about the "deeper problems" with this shit show)

SEAN SALISBURY IS LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN, ONLY NOT AT ALL

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

As you've no doubt already heard at this point, and in case you're wondering why John Clayton looks especially glowing these days, Sean Salisbury and ESPN have parted ways. And lo, what sweet sorrow his parting truly is. On the sweet hand, Salisbury is will no longer come on TV everyday and yell at me. His repeated verbal thrashings were beginning to take their toll. But on the sorrowful hand, sometimes it's sad to see the bully go. Sure he raised his voice and, on occasion, his hand, but he didn't mean anything by it. He loved me and never meant to hurt me. Actually, it was all my fault. I'm the one that upset him in the first place. Oh Sean, come back! When can I see you again?!? Oh, well judging by his comments in the LA Times, it looks like pretty soon unfortunately:

"I have created a brand and it's time to expand into other opportunities in TV, radio, Internet, publishing, movies and public speaking, among others. My resume speaks for itself."

Boy howdy has he created a brand! In fact, if I was to take the time to name all the products and manufactured wares that bear Salisbury's name, we'd be here until the end of this sentence. And that resume, phew, don't get me started. If your resume includes the words "host of BattleBots seasons 1 and 2" then yeah, I'd say you've got something to crow about. Much like Sean, that resume speaks loudly and clearly.

Make no mistake, Sean Salisbury is a brand name on par with the likes of Jellies or Fresca. A merchandising and promoting force to be reckoned with. You don't just land roles in Rob Schneider movies unless your name carries with it a certain level of respect. So what can we expect now from Salisbury? What are the above mentioned "other opportunities" he'll pursue?

Perhaps he'll dabble in one of his other interests: finance. He could always end up back on TV with the likes of CNBC or Bloomberg TV giving sound, not at all scripted financial advice. Then, as his popularity on a new network blossoms, maybe they'll even take the time to pull the house plants out of the way, leaving him free to gesticulate to his heart's content without fear of damaging a poorly placed fern.

Who knows what other adventures await a man of such talent and grace. Either way, he will be heard from again. Take heart, America, Sean Salisbury will not leave you when you need him most. Which, consequently, is all the time. So enjoy your time in the spotlight while you can John Clayton, because soon Salisbury will return and take it away from you like so much lunch money.

ZEITGEIST: The Movie........ A manufactured and fraudulent zeitgeist indeed

"Witty, biting, fact-based. Rivalfish's newest and most over-qualified critic represents everything most conspiracy theory films choose to do without." - Rival Room Editor

by Thorin Teague

The more I think about Zeitgeist, the more I realize how ironic it is; Zeitgeist is more a symptom (and a fairly malignant one) of its subject matter than an antidote. The entire documentary purports to be inviting you to open your mind and educate yourself, yet when you do so all you find out is how hypocritical Zeitgeist is. So... we don't want to be unkind or cause hurt feelings, but we want to be academically correct. Yes, sir.

Here are just a few factual errors; this is by no means extensive.

The Crux was indeed visible from the Mediterranean 2000 years ago (in modern day it is only visible from the southern hemisphere), but it was not called the Southern Cross. It was referred to as Centaurus and was part of a larger constellation. Only the Australians referred to it as Southern Cross, and it's impossible that Australia's indigenous peoples were in contact with the people of the Mediterranean at this point in history.

Egyptian mythology simply cannot be distilled down to a bulleted list of character traits about two of its myriad of Gods. If you bother to educate yourself about Egyptian mythology, you will quickly realize that all of their gods traded roles and changed from dynasty to dynasty, pharaoh to pharaoh. Throughout Egypt's existence, Set's role was revised repeatedly. In fact, he was occasionally HELPFUL to Horus--he ferried Re through the underworld every night! This is among the most basic and simple facts about Egypt and it blows my mind that Zeitgeist got it THAT wrong.

The Egyptians did not have a concept of good and evil as you & I understand it. This is important, people. I implore to burn this concept into your mind if you take nothing else from this review. Good and evil were probably invented by Christians or some form of Judaism to help garner followers. Applying ideas of good and evil to ancient pre-Judean cultures is folly....... (Keep reading, and as Diddy would have you believe, Vote or Die)

THE BOLD AND THE POINTLESS

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Tim Kurkjian's voice is cracking like Peter Brady on the set of a porno film, you know what that means! Spring Training has arrived and baseball season is now just 31 days away. Believe it. And with this sign of impending sunshine and sunflower seeds comes the now seemingly inevitable talk of guarantees and boasts of who's the team to beat. Last year Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins talked the talk, and walked the walk, winning NL MVP and leading his team's furious run to a division title and into the playoffs after vowing that they would do just that. But now Mets centerfielder Carlos Beltran is trying to pull the same shtick. Many are calling the talk "bold." I'm calling it bullshit. Either way we'll have to wait until September to see which one of them is right, but as long as we're on the subject of bold, yet pointless guarantees for the 2008 baseball season, I've got a few of my own:

- Opening Day in Kansas City will be interrupted after a drunken Dana Jacobson wanders into the outfield and verbally berates Royals centerfielder David DeJesus. Witnesses describe a strong stench of Popov premium vodka emanating from Jacobson's body as she proclaimed "Fuck Kansas City and fuck BBQ and fuck DeJesus. Fuck DeJesus!"

- Speaking of the Royals, after struggling through the first half of the season, Kansas City manager Trey Hillman (yes, THE Trey Hillman) will bring in former Royal Vince Coleman to give the team a pep talk and light a fire under them. Unfortunately, thanks to his motivational Roman Candles, Coleman literally lights a fire under the team, killing them all. Nobody in Kansas City notices.

- As a cost cutting measure, the Pittsburgh Pirates do away with uniforms, equipment and even their 38,000 seat stadium. As a result, the players decide to just go to a local park and play home run derby on the tennis courts. They put all of their salaries together and pony up for a couple tennis rackets and a sleeve of balls. The exhibitions draw upwards of 9 people per day and it is widely considered the most successful Pirates season in 15 years.

- Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk is revealed to actually be a chubby lesbian whose birth name is Gardenia. Gardenia is fired mid-season after a series of "inappropriate hugs" around the office involving the totally hetero Pam Ward.
- Fellow Baseball Tonight analyst Fernando Vina continues his dogged pursuit of the Emmitt Smith Award for "Most Obviously Overmatched Broadcaster That Could Not Possibly Have Passed a Screen Test To Get This Job."

- Padres outfielder Jim Edmonds makes an all out dive in an attempt to coral a pop up that lands softly behind home plate. Edmonds is badly injured, but is in good spirits as he's carted off the field after doctors assure him nothing has happened to his face.

- The third grader that loaned Juan Pierre his t-ball uniform asks for it back.

- Barry Bonds continues his assault on the record books, breaking the records for most RBIs and highest slugging percentage in the history of the California Penal League.

- Yankees infielders Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez briefly settle their differences and finally get back to having sleep overs. Unfortunately, the repaired relationship doesn't last long after Jeter refuses to pay for A-Rod's parking after a wild night out in Miami.

- Oakland A's General manager Billy Beane pulls off another of his patented "Moneyball" moves, trading his entire roster for players to be named later. With no players, the A's struggle in '08, but the future looks bright and they appear ready to again challenge to be the one to lose to the Yankees or Red Sox in Division Series play in the near future.

- Los Angeles Angels manager Mike Scioscia is crippled by what doctors think is a recurrence of the radiation poisoning that sidelined him for the Springfield vs. Shelbyville softball championship game in 1992. However, after numerous tests it is revealed that actually Scioscia is suffering from Monkey Pox after being bitten by the team's popular Rally Monkey. The next night the Rally Monkey is put down live on the JumboTron. The euthanasia fires up the Angels and propels them to a division title.

- Another New England spying controversy errupts as the champion Boston Red Sox are caught taping their opponents base running signals. They are not punished however after the commissioner's office investigation just reveals a bunch of tapes of old guys rubbing the bills of their hats and grabbing their nuts.

YOUR DAD NAMED MANAGER OF THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS

After going back and forth trying to choose between the photo where he's pissing with his hand up on the wall and this one, Sports Illustrated was secure in the fact that they made the right call by going with this, the most tasteful and flattering Joe Torre picture they could gain access to, to set up a story about his new digs:

I imagine this is exactly how he walks around the house, only in a spaghetti stained wife-beater and poo streaked tighty whiteys.

The Wussiest Thing Ever Said During a Fight

By: AndyKissko, AndyKissko@yahoo.com, MU Class of '02.


So I was bored at work and YouTubed my alma mater, Miami University. None of the resulting hits really caught my eye until this one. It's title mentioned a fight in the bar district, so I figured it was worth a look.

The fight itself is pisspoor and unwatchable. However, the first 3 seconds of audio stole the show. Not only is it the pooniest thing I've ever heard yelled during a fight, I think it's the pooniest thing one could yell during a fight. Granted, I think it was yelled by an onlooker, but that still explains very little.

I mean....I'm really at a loss after witnessing that....I can't even believe this clip is real.....How it crosses someone's mind to say THAT while jacked on adrenaline from watching a fight is simply beyond me. I feel like it's a dubbed-over spoof like you'd see on Conan O'brien or something.

Enjoy/point and laugh. I'm so ashamed. Your college is better than mine. I admit it.





If you can leave a comment in the comment box below and think of something wussier to scream during a fight, It'd really make me feel better about myself. Thanks.

I HATE DUKE

by III, wald66@hotmail.com

I hate Duke.

After their win over the Tar Heels of North Carolina last Wednesday night, I did what I always do when I hate something really bad and bought a vulgar t-shirt defaming that which I hate. When my roommate and I got into an argument about hippies, I went out the next day and bought a “Hippies Smell” t-shirt (They really do smell. They don’t take showers in order to somehow rebel against modern society and the Republicans). When my brother sent me a message today saying “Go Duke,” I first disowned him and then bought a “Duke Sucks” shirt. Childish? Yes. Simple and to the point? AlsoYes.

But during my conversation with my ex-family member, I got to thinking about some things. First was how someone of my own blood can like JJ Reddick. And two – why do I hate Duke so much? I didn’t go to any of their rival schools. I didn’t even grow up in North Carolina. I have never been on campus. So what is it about Duke that I just don’t like? I bet there are a handful of you reading this now that absolutely hate everything about Duke basketball and you can’t really put your finger on why. After much thinking, I came up with a list. This may help some of you, so pay attention.

1. Mike Shesheski

Yes, he looks like a llama with Down Syndrome. And yes he rubs those fucking rosary beads like it’s a 12 yr old boys schlong. But its more than that. Nobody is as perfect as he pretends to be. When it comes down to it, Coach K is going to hell just like the rest of us. A cornfed white-boy basketball team like Duke doesn’t get a player like Grant Hill without breaking the rules. If you’ve seen Blue Chips, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The guy argues with the refs more than Bobby Knight, but nobody talks about that because the guy supposedly cures cancer with his ball sweat. And we look past the fact that he looks like the mouse version of Hitler.

2. Danny Ferry, Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner, JJ Reddick, Greg Paulus

That’s all they do is recruit white guys that can shoot three pointers. Yes, I know Grant Hill, Elton Brand, and Sheldon “My face looks like it got hit by a Mac truck” Williams were black. But if you were watching the UNC game on Wednesday, you saw maybe 2 black guys on the court the entire game. Why is that bad? Black basketball players are better. They are more exciting because they are more athletically gifted. They bring entertainment to a sport that sometimes lacks interest. Duke has chosen to bring in guys that listen to Barry Manilow in the locker room to represent their school. Yes, they’re a good team. But my theory is that wealthy alumni have built a farm out in Bumfuck, Iowa where people like Danny Ferry and Rebecca Lobo just fuck all day and make babies that will grow up on the farm and only be able to shoot three pointers all day long. There will be no driving to the hoop, no dunking, no reverse lay-ups, absolutely no alley-oops of any kind, no crossovers, no dribbling under the legs, not even a no-look pass. They set picks and shoot three pointers. All day long. They don’t go to school, they don’t play baseball, they don’t masterbate. They just shoot three pointers.

3. The Student Body

I know two people from my high school that went to Duke. They were the exact same person – both douche bags. If you look in the stands during the games on tv, you will see two things. A bunch of retarded guys with ridiculous costumes and body paint drunk off of cranberry and vodkas, and the most hideous chicks you have ever seen on a college campus ever. I have been to Raleigh many times. The girls down there are absolutely gorgeous. But I guess that is until you reach the Duke campus. Duke letting an attractive broad into their school would be like BYU letting in Marilyn Manson. It’s not allowed. I think I saw a red-headed Asian in the stands one game. Can you imagine the hideousness of such a creature? What kind of college lets girls in based on grades and good community standing? You need hot chicks on campus to keep all of the nerds motivated. That’s the only way Duke guys will ever get laid is if they graduate and discover a shooting star or cure Herpes. I see the footage of the people in the stands and I get that feeling – like the last Steelers/Browns game I was at – where you just want to hit somebody for no reason besides the fact that they like a team that is so fucking terrible.

If any of this doesn’t make sense, please email me at Idontgiveafuck@blowme.org. Or, watch this video and shit your pants laughing. I admit I got some of my ideas from these geniuses.

Then watch this piece of crap. If you like hearing the word “fuck” you’ll love this one. $45,000 a year for an education, and this is the best they can come up with?