THE PEDRO vs. PUCK, WEEK I

by Ross Frank DiMarco III, rfdimar@pointpark.edu

"Every now and again we like to relay the tale of a unique real world rivalry situation. And we don't even care who won. Send your stories to mraspatello@rivalfish.com. Don't fax us, because we don't have one of those."-Rival Room Editor

Being a Pittsburgh Steelers fan since birth, I believe I know a thing or two about rivalries.

Most football enthusiasts know about the rivalry between the Steelers and the Cleveland Browns. In fact, whenever a Pittsburgher gives birth, the child is instantly brainwashed, a la A Clockwork Orange, to feel nothing but hatred for the Browns. However, this NFL season brought about a new rivalry that plans to stay ablaze for several years to come - the Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals.

Here they were, the AFC North Champions, a third-seed in the playoffs, with a Pro Bowl quarterback at the helm. The Cincinnati Bengals were riding a wave of emotions that they believed would lead them to their first Super Bowl appearance since Super Bowl XXIII in 1989. The last time their fans even watched a playoff game involving the Bengals was 1990.

But this year was different.

Chad Johnson was burning cornerbacks out of their jockstraps. His touchdown celebrations were the topic of every male’s water cooler conversation on Mondays. Carson Palmer proved that he could go toe to toe with the great Peyton Manning. They finally knocked off the AFC North omnipotent Pittsburgh Steelers in Week 13.

"Who Dey,� the 2005 Bengals would question whenever an opponent walked onto the same field as them.

The first round of the playoffs pitted the Bengals against the Steelers for the third time of the season. I decided it was my duty as a proud member of the Steelers Nation to make the five-hour trip through Ohio.

Seventeen of us piled into a shuttle with enough booze to make Ted Kennedy jealous. We were filled with so much energy and excitement, I thought our driver was going to start doing keg stands with us. However, all the excitement in the world could not prepare us for what was going to happen on that Sunday.

We found a nice parking lot close to Paul Brown Stadium that would accommodate our vehicle. Even though the Bengals fan begged and pleaded for the lot owner to turn us away, he couldn't pass up the amount of green we were willing to pay.

As I walked into the stadium, a woman and her son were mocking me for wearing my Troy Polamalu-esque wig. He couldn't have been more than 8 years old.

"Look honey, they have a girl playing for them," she said. "Girls play for the Steelers."

"You are a bunch of girls," said her son.

Whatever. I brushed it off because I know if I rebutted their statement the surplus of Bengals fans surrounding me might take offense.

We were in our seats for 10 minutes when the first incident occurred. It happened seconds after Carson Palmer's season was suddenly ended thanks to Kimo von Oelhoffen . An average sized man started jawing at my buddy Jimmy. Not one to back down, the 5'6" Jimmy shot right back. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the Bengals fan grabbed Jimmy's hat and threw it out of the stadium.

Jimmy wasn't sure what to do. He figured he had two options:

1. Go after the guy and probably get kicked out or,

2. Swallow his pride and accept the loss of his hat

Without hesitation, Jimmy attacked the man like a cat pouncing on a ball of yarn. Jimmy had to jump two rows of seats to get to the guy, and he did it like an Olympic hurdler. Surrounding fans finally broke it up after a couple of errant fists missed their mark.

Once the two fighters parted ways, the cops showed up to usher Jimmy out. However, Jimmy refused to leave until they heard his side of the story. I guess the cops felt his reaction was justified because they let him stay.

As the game played on, you could actually feel the Bengals hopes of another Super Bowl appearance being drained from their very souls. The fans were left speechless after Roethlisberger threw the touchdown pass to Cedrick Wilson on the trick play.

As the final seconds ticked off the clock, they were frustrated. They had every right to be; there "Cinderella Season" was over. Tension and hostility filled the stadium.

We weren't even done finishing our congratulatory hugs/high-fives with fellow Steelers fans when we saw Jimmy starting to get into his second fight of the day.

A beast of a man (who kind of reminded me of pro wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow) grabbed Jimmy's Terrible Towel. The importance of a Terrible Towel to a Steelers fan can never be overemphasized.

We love it.

A Steelers fan is never allowed to let an opposing fan take their Towel; let alone Bungles fan (not a typo...that's what we call them). Since Jimmy was much smaller than this guy, I figured he wouldn't dream of trying to get his Towel back.

I was wrong.

The two were standing face to chest on the stairs next to our seats. Jimmy demanded the return of his towel and the behemoth just laughed. Jimmy grabbed a hold of the railing and in one swift motion, swung around the divider and jumped with all he had. Jimmy horse-collared this guy and tried to squeeze the life out of him.

The man literally tossed Jimmy off within five seconds. Jimmy landed about two rows down and proceeded to fall about five more until he eventually stopped.

We thought he was dead. We were about to call for the paramedics when we saw Jimmy stand up...Terrible Towel in hand.

We escaped Paul Brown Stadium with no more physical harm. Thankfully, the shuttle was right where we left it, and surprisingly no graffiti was painted on the side. We celebrated some more while those Bungals fans kept shouting those two annoying words:

Who dey?

But this time, we knew exactly how to respond:

We dey!