by Ross Frank DiMarco III, rfdimar@pointpark.edu
Now, you might be asking yourself, “Balki and Coozin Larry were never fathers?� Ahh, how soon you forget. The final episode showed their respective wives giving birth and the show ended with a musical montage that would have made Chuck Norris cry…if he could.
The two would probably never blah, blah, blah, you know the drill. Let’s see how this one would have played out.
The fun loving Balki Bartokomous was from the beautiful country of Mypos. He came to the United States in order to have a better life and to live with his “Coozin� Larry. Balki showed so much compassion that when he won the lottery, he offered to pay Mypos’ national debt of $800.
“Coozin� Larry, on the other hand, was the more conservative and straight-edged of the dynamic duo. He was usually seen sucking up to his “way-too-hot for that guy� girlfriend, Jennifer. Sorry, but that chick was way too smokin’ for “Coozin� Larry.
Ready to brawl over a bad dish of booglie muzacman, a Myposian delicacy consisting of a pig's bladder stuffed with cheese, the two meet outside of Chicago’s Wrigley Field because they actually want to have a crowd watching. And really, who goes to White Sox games? Sorry Tello Real.
“Coozin� Larry is wearing his best “journalist� uniform of tan slacks and a blue button up shirt. Balki appears in his usual whack suspenders and sporting a Mypos traditional necklace bearing the country on the end of it (which somewhat resembles a pork shop).
“Hello there, Coozin Larry,� Balki exclaims, giving his signature exaggerated wave.
“Coozin� Larry attacks him as soon as Balki gets the words out his mouth. He jumps on his back and literally tries to rip Balki’s eyeballs out of his head.
“Coozin Larry, what are you doing?� asks Balki.
“Shut up you dim-witted twit,� “Coozin� Larry says. “I can’t stand that stupid accent anymore!�
Balki flips him over his head and starts to head butt “Coozin� Larry until he is bludgeoned on the ground.
“Coozin Larry, you really tink you can beat me up,� Balki says. “Don’t be reediculou
s."
He jumps on top of a nearby and performs an Eddie Guerrero type splash on “Coozin� Larry. Balki’s wife, Mary Anne, is heard screaming for joy on the sidelines.
“Go, woo, Balki, woo,� adds Wrigleyville regular, Ronnie “Woo Woo� Wickers.
“Coozin� Larry slowly rises to his feet while Balki is distracted taking pictures of “Woo Woo�. He grabs a pen from his back pocket.
“
Investigative journalists always have a pen handy,� he says.
As soon as Balki turns around, “Coozin� Larry jabs the pen into his throat.
“Have fun in Mypos Heaven, bitch,� he shouts.
While gasping for air, Balki falls to his knees. “Coozin� Larry proceeds to give the pen a roundhouse kick only jamming it further into Balki’s trachea. A few seconds later, Balki can no longer breathe and quickly dies on the ground.
“Coozin� Larry spits on him as he says, “Don’t you be reediculous.�
Winner: “Coozin� Larry with a little help from The Wooster
by Ross Frank DiMarco III, rfdimar@pointpark.edu
Now, you might be asking yourself, “Balki and Coozin Larry were never fathers?� Ahh, how soon you forget. The final episode showed their respective wives giving birth and the show ended with a musical montage that would have made Chuck Norris cry…if he could.
s."
Investigative journalists always have a pen handy,� he says.
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