RED SOX v. YANKEES (THE HOT CHICKS VERSION)

by Ryan O'Donnell, rodonnell08@amherst.edu

Much has been overly personified about the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry when they play 431,056 times a season. Unlike other rivalries in sports, Michigan-Ohio State, Duke-UNC, Kobe-Shaq, which we only get one or two opportunities to see these teams battle creating an exponentially more exciting match-up. It’s the "first-summer-back-from-college-syndrome," where after seeing the same girls every day over four years, you knew what to expect and became complacent. But after seeing them one year later, you get a refreshing opportunity to appreciate how hot they really are.

But a rivalry that is year round, one that matters on and off the field and can make up for losing the season series does exist: Who has hotter babes on their side? Athletes are notorious for dating models, actresses, and other celebrities making their lives that much better than mine or yours. With the recent NASCAR battle between Kurt Busch’s girlfriend and Greg Biffle’s fiancée, one has to wonder about how important wives and girlfriends are to these athletes? When Varitek and A-Rod went at it two seasons ago, did Mrs. A-Rod or Mrs. Varitek want to tear each others heads off, or did they simply continue to sip on their cocktails from the comfort of the player’s wives box sections?

The Red Sox and Yankees are treated like royalty in Boston and New York respectively. Ortiz could walk down to any one of the Boston area colleges and easily hook up with 95% of the college girls and about 75% of the guys as well, both straight and gay. Apparently, part of the reason Manny always asks for a trade is because his wife is concerned with the notoriety he gets in Boston and rumors about him cheating consistently make their way around town. This must be true and potentially explains the sorry excuse for a hair style that hangs out of Manny’s helmet looking more like a wig made out of banana peels and yellow python snake skins than hair. Not many of the wives around Boston get a ton of press; they pop their heads at charity events, run the marathon once in awhile, or throw their husbands on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. In NYC, Yankee players have a golden opportunity to pick up celebrities and it’s always a big story.

So let’s take a look at the notable wives and girlfriends on each team’s roster. (By notable I clearly mean good-looking, sexy, hot, or famous)

Catcher: Posada vs. Varitek

Karen Varitek (light blue shirt): OK, so she’s pregnant all of the time which is a terrible thing for her appearance and she stays out of the limelight most of the time. Does this make her boring? Yes. Should the captain of the team be dating an omni-pregnant and normal looking woman? No. Karen Varitek could easily pass for a middle school teacher and has very little to almost zero interesting qualities.

Laura Posada: The fact that Jorge Posada, who has more shared qualities with Curious George than any other human being speaks endlessly to the FACT that baseball players date really hot girls. When I look at Posada I want to throw up for a number of reasons:

1. The fact that he plays for NYY.

2. His pathetic and (I hate this word) lucky bloop hit in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.

3. Despite being an obvious a missing link between orangutans and human beings in the evolutionary process, he is married to a really hot girl.

Winner: On the field they are two of the best at their position. Off the field, it’s painfully obvious who has made the better career move. Jorge Posada in a Laguna Beachesque landslide victory.

Infield: Alex Rodriguez vs. Mark Loretta

Hillary Loretta: Staying consistent with the very average appearance that seems to swarm the Red Sox clubhouse, Hillary Loretta is kind of a “hot when naked� type of woman. In this photo, she is clearly overdressed but something about her look and Loretta’s left hand being dangerously close to her boob makes me wonder.

Cynthia Rodriguez: Obviously this photo was done by Sports Illustrated so she’s going to look banging regardless. But it’s pretty obvious that she’s definitely wicked hot. But the question has to be raised, could A-Rod do better? When you are the highest paid athlete, shouldn’t you be dating Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, or Adrianna Lima? Oh wait, that’s who Derek Jeter dates. You know Jeter right A-Rod? The guy with four rings, who everyone respects, who always plays well, and has the right to run out of the dugout with the gay little fist pump (A gay habit you try to mimic like a little brother). A-Rod is the Chris O’Donnell to Jeter’s Val Kilmer or even better, he’s Paul Shafer to Jeter’s David Letterman

Winner: This could have been a lot more interesting had Nomar remained with the Red Sox so that we could chat about Mia Hamm. Nevertheless, the Yankees take this round again because Mark Loretta’s wife hasn’t shown it off like Cynthia.

Outfield: Manny Ramirez vs. Gary Sheffield

Juliana Ramirez: Manny met her working out at a Bally’s gym in Boston and they fell in love the way that most meat heads find their wives: Walking around in tight shirts and talking to girls while spending three-five hours at a local YMCA five days a week. When guys look to meet girls at the gym, they are NOT looking for a future wife. Chances are Manny met a new girl everyday he went to that gym, and is still probably meeting girls today. But Juliana is a hot little Latino product and Manny got to name their first son Manny Jr. which suggests that he has the power in the relationship, despite his lack of power on the field in the 2006 season.

Deleon Sheffield: Notorious for the rumors about her alleged sex video with R. Kelly, Mrs. Sheffield is definitely hot. Was she trapped in the closet or whether or not Gary would have come in during the tail end of a 'roid rage and ripped the head off of R Kelly remains a secret, but because she is over 15, it’s unlikely R. Kelly wanted anything to do with her.

Winner: This round has to go to Juliana Ramirez. Any athlete whose wife is rumored to have made a sex tape with someone who makes an entire Rap/R&B opera has serious issues. Juliana, on the other hand, seems to accept rumors of her husband cheating on her and probably gives the same lame excuse we all do in “that’s just Manny being Manny.� On looks alone it’s a toss-up depending on your tastes, but in the rumor mill, this battle goes to Mrs. Manny.

The smoking hot battle: Josh Beckett vs. Derek Jeter

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear, nobody has dated hotter chicks than Derek Jeter:

Check out his past babes:

1. Jordana Brewster: Actress/Model
2. Lara Dutta: Miss Universe from India
3. Vanessa Minnilo: Miss Teen USA
4. Adriana Lima: Victoria Secret Supermodel
5. Jessica Alba: Actress
6. Mariah Carey: He dated her five years ago before she lost her mind
7. Scarlett Johanson: Wouldn't expect he could pull of a hot, artsy chick, but he can!
   

Who could possibly have a chance against Jeter in this battle? Well nobody, but Josh Beckett is currently dating lingerie model Leeann Tweeden.

She is just simply smoking from head to toe and a lingerie model is easily the greatest invented occupation involving clothing…ever. Whatever she’s doing to Josh lately I hope she continues because Beckett has been a flamethrower since taking the mound for the Red Sox. Maybe David Wells and Keith Foulke could use a little “Tweedening� to help their pitching improve. Do you think Beckett tries to find out who hitters are dating and what their girlfriends do? Id I were dating a lingerie model, I would repeatedly attempt to get the other person to ask me:

“So what does your girlfriend do?�

“Well, it’s funny you should ask, she’s actually a type of model.�

“Oh wow, what type of model is she?�

“She’s a lingerie model (pause) pretty fucking sweet huh?�

How are you supposed to talk trash to guys like Beckett and Jeter anyways? It’s like trying to use the force against Luke Skywalker or out-promote Don King or out-father-bastards Jesse Jackson.

Winner: Nobody could possibly argue with Jeter’s resume both on and off the field. It’s like disputing General Schwarzkopf effectiveness in Operation Desert Storm. But when compared individually, rather than on the body of work, I have to give it to Beckett. Jeter is apparently dating Scarlett Johanson right now, but she denies it, he denies it, everyone denies it so he just might be single.

It’s blatantly obvious that athletes get ridiculously hot women, and in some cases they fail to capitalize on that opportunity. Guys like Jeter and Beckett have made a conscious decision to make certain they sleep with the absolutely hottest woman they can. Then there are guys like Johnny Damon, who left his wife for a stripper and repeatedly claims to have cheated on them both in his book. Damon’s ex-wife said:

“He’s actually bragging about cheating on me while I was sitting at home with the kids. And that story about the nurse at the hospital? That’s typical Johnny. He started having sex with her on the bed next to me while I was in labor. As you can imagine, I was pissed. I knew Johnny loved women, but he had never taken his obsession this far. This was the nurse that was delivering my baby, for God’s sake. Not only that, she was about 70 years old. I guess he didn’t put that in the book.�

I’m not sure how to rank that move by Damon. On the one hand he’s a complete dirtbag, on the other, he made a legendary move. Read more about this story at: http://www.thebrushback.com/damon_full.htm

So as the Red Sox and Yankees prepare for another battle down to the wire before the yanks eventually win the division and the Red Sox grab the wild card, let’s all remember the importance of having a mega-hot wife instead of a history of dating mediocrity in results of this never-ending battle.