2006 KENTUCKY DERBY PREVIEW!

by Andy Kissko, andykissko@yahoo.com

I was fortunate enough to run into an old friend while in Lexington during the Kentucky Derby Post Position Selection on Wednesday. He is a man that many people consider to be a legend and genuinely one-of-a-kind. I am talking about, of course Dr. Doolittle. Not Eddie Murhpy. After knocking back a few at the sleepy sports tavern Freddy’s, I convinced him to translate for me as I interviewed the Derby contenders briefly. The following is all reported, via Dr. D, straight from, well, the horse’s mouths.

We started with Post number one’s Jazil (post #1, Morning Line Odds: 30-1)

AK (via Dr. Doolittle): Jazil, do you feel disrespected at 30-1?

Jazil: What? Are you joking? I should be one of the 50-1 horses, the only race I won was a maiden race. The only chance I really have is over a wet track.

AK: What would the pace scenario have to entail in order for you to be wearing the roses?

Jazil: A 7 horse pile-up, a euthenizationa, and a DQ.

AK: I think your name kinda sounds like “Shazam!� do other horses every say “Jazil� in the same hick, bumpkin type way that Gomer Pyle would say “Shazam� just to give you a hard time?

Jazil: No. Never.

Next up in Post number #2: Steppenwolfer (ML 30-1)

AK: On 11/12/05 you beat Jazil by a nose to break your maiden. What kind of advantage does that give you over him psychologically?

Steppenwolfer: Yeah, it does a little. I won by only a nose, but it is nice to know I got the better of him. I used to brag about it to him all the time…then one time we got pretty drunk and watched Napolean Dynamite together and he said that I was kinda like Uncle Rico, and that instead of living too much in ’84 I was living too much in 11/12/05. I faked laughter as everyone pointed in laughed at me, but I respected him for saying that and teaching me something about myself. I guess no-speed, closer-type horses can be good for something.

Next up PP #3: Keyed Entry (30-1)

AK: Some people have opined that you are similar in this race to what Lion Heart was in the 2004 Derby. Despite getting run down from the legendary Smarty Jones, he hung on valiantly for second. Do you feel as though you need to out-do him and hold off the Smarty of ’06 in order to escape this analogy?

KE: That took place when? ’04?? Dude, I was like, one then. I have never heard of any of those guys.

AK: Your grandfather, Crytpoclearance won this race in 1985, what advice has he given you?

KE: He did? I never heard that…Oh wow, that’s really cool. I never knew that.

AK: No, I am joking. Spend a Buck won that year. You really need to read up on your Derby history you mule.

Next up PP #4: Sinister Minister (12-1)

AK: Your last race was freakishly fast. People don’t know whether that was your coming out party or just a fluke a la Bellamy Road last year?

SM: I am like Bellamy Road except my owner is not a steaming pile of (expletive deleted) on a hot day. [Editor’s Note: Bellamy Road is owned by Kinsmen Stables, owned by George Steinbrenner] I hope to get looser on the lead than Bellamy got last year and I hope I can kick loose and go wire to wire.

AK: You are likely to get out to the early lead and the pace war of attrition should ensue: who do you think will be your biggest threat?

SM: Jack Daniels. Have you seen how cheap this stuff is in this state?? I got big plans on Friday. BIG plans.

Next up PP #5: Point Determined (12-1)

AK: You have become one of the wise-guy picks as of late. People like your off-the-pace-running style, your pedigree [Editors note: his father is Point Given, winner of the last two legs of the 2001 Triple Crown], ability to win races with speedy early fractions and your increasing Beyer numbers. You were also the most expensive yearling ($750,000) sold at auction of this Derby class. Your thoughts…

PD: I mean, yeah I am proud of what I have done and I am proud of my father’s achievements. But it isn’t like I am a moron about it- don’t worry, I won’t be trying to convert you to Scientology, or if I win an Eclipse award this year, I am not going to stand up there and belch out my political views, or my take on the state of the world. I mean if I were really itching for an op-ed political piece do you think I’d watch old footage of The Oscars from last year? What are those moron actors thinking up there? Most of them didn’t even go to college. I mean, I am a freaking horse and I am too smart to do that crap. I didn’t see Andy Beyer picking Sean Penn or Tim Robbins to finish in the top 3 of the Derby when they were 3.

Next up PP #6: Showing Up (20-1)

AK: An unraced 2-year old has not won the Derby since 1882 when Apollo won. Conversely, the last Derby winner who started only 3 races before the derby and won was Regret in 1915. How important is history to you?

SU: Dude, have you met Barclay Tagg, my trainer? He is one scary dude. The only history I care about is that he trains Funny Cide also, and all I know is is that Funny Cide has more Kentucky Derby victories than he does testicles. I don’t know what it is I have to do to please that guy….I am very afraid.

2336=;74=88:=XROQDF>2323;3:62:9;2ot1lsi">[Editor’s Note: Funny Cide was indeed gelded as a two year old to help him relax and improve his racing. It was not a form of punishment]

Next up PP #7: Bob and John (12-1)

AK: Despite being the third highest earner in this field, you seem to be lacking the respect that other, lesser earners are receiving. Critics question whether you can stay off the pace and then turn it on at the end and make your run late instead of early. Do you feel disrespected, despite a successful 3 year-old campaign?

BJ: Nah, not really. Did you read the Racing Form? I am a horse without a ton of speed who likes to be near the front. This is NOT the year for that kind of style. The only two decent horses I have beaten are both in the race at 30-1 (Keyed Entry and Jazil). Other than that I haven’t beaten anyone, unless you count Deputy Glitters sorry ass at 50-1. I mean, sure, I beat him by 15 lengths, but come on man, his name is freakin’ Deputy Glitters. You could name him “I Am EXTREMELY Gay� and his name still wouldn’t be as gay. Honestly, Andy, I feel guilty about taking all of these people’s hard-earned money at the window on Saturday because god knows I won’t be helping make them any richer.

Next up PP #8: Barbaro (4-1)

AK: Here is the undefeated on turf, undefeated on dirt, undefeated in the slop, 5-for-5 Barbaro. Andy Beyer called you “the most talented horse in the race.� What are you hoping to see on Saturday?

B: Well, Sinister Minister and Keyed Entry dart up there and tire each other out. I wouldn’t mind sitting off behind them, running my own race, maybe 47 and change for the first half mile, if I happen to kick some dirt in Sweetnorthernsaint’s face going into the first turn, that’s fine too. I’d like to get a good spot not too far off the rail going into the first turn while staying a length or two in front of the Brother Derek, Lawyer Ron, and Bob and John. Then just as I see the lead horses start to run low on gas, I’d like to start my run, hopefully a few seconds before the guys behind me do, and just hope that I can hold on.

AK: What, if any, are the drawbacks of being a world class race horse and Derby favorite?

B: Well, Andy, I won’t lie- sleeping on about 4 bail’s worth of hay and in a wooden barn about 3 feet away from a freshly steaming pile of my own crap isn’t as glamorous as you media-folk have made it out to be. Indoor plumbing and a pillow wouldn’t suck.

Next up PP #9: Sharp Humor (20-1)

AK: Besides beating Flashy Bull in the Florida Derby a month ago, who would you say is the most formidable horse that you have defeated in your illustri…er….brill…er…product…er…. Well, just in your career so far?

SH: I would say probably nobody. Shit, I beat Flashy Bull at the same time Barbaro was kicking my ass, so that doesn’t make it that awesome then does it? Plus I beat him by 10 and a quarter lengths only, and his name is (limps his wrist and shakes his posterior suggestively) "Flashy Bull". He could be named “Only Gay Dude-Porn Excites Me� and sound more hetero. Who names an animal that, honestly? I appreciate you interviewing me, Mr. Kissko, but I just don’t think I will be winning. You may as well go interview someone else.

Next up PP #10: AP Warrior (15-1)

AK: Some experts are calling you the best value in the race, citing recent success despite a slow pace which is unfavorable to your running style. They also go on to point out that you should be filling out your form cycle with this being your third start off the layoff and have defeated Point Determined and Bob and John in the same race. You also figure to be one of the top 5 or 6 favorites by post time. But what I have not heard asked of you, and what I think Americans want to know is, do you ever call your penis “A Pee Warior?�

AW: Where is Flashy Bull??? I am gon’ kill that sumbitch, he said he wouldn’t tell nobdody……..

Editor's Note: Rivalfish writer Andy Kissko will be contributing a post-Derby follow up report, with interviews with all the other horses that didn't get any ink today.