DECONSTRUCTING ANDY RODDICK'S NEW BLOG

by Jonah "Ticklebass" Ansell, jansell@rivalfish.com

Fresh from the filthy corporate hands of Lacoste, Lexus and Babolai, tennis stud Andy Roddick is now the proud owner of his own blog!

Do not drop your 5 for $19 Victoria's Secret panties too quickly ladies! Although in the past you've been enticed by Roddick's boyish good looks and his exceptional set of abs -- you know the ones that make Paul Walker wish he'd waited for a better script -- one look at the content on Roddick's blog will make you think twice about welcoming this sardine into your tin.

Roddick's writing, which DOES seem to be genuine and not written by the micromanaging hand of his publicist, is a window into the price of success. Read between Roddick's lines and you'll see a mere boy who was tutored, not schooled. He became a man in the national spotlight but he never got to be a boy, amongst his peers, as one of the many.

There's no doubt that Roddick could gank, bang and dispose of your long-term girlfriend faster than Tom Cruise will bankrupt the studio responsible for Mission Impossible III, but at what price? Roddick's success comes at the expense of him being a real person..

Simply put, as evidenced by his blog, Andy Roddick is a dork, who sounds more like an eighth grade girl than the next Colin Farrell. Unlike us fans, who have the luxury of looking to each other as cultural cohorts, Roddick's only friends are the corporate sponsors who "fund" his blog. He's not a trendsetter, but a follower. Astute bloggers will immediately recognize that the "down to earth" photo of Roddick is actually STAGED IN A LACOSTE RETAIL STORE. Look at Andy just casually "hanging" by neatly folded racks of $92 polos. Sure Andy, you're one of us....

Without further ado, here's Rivalfish's deconstruction of Roddick's first blog entry -- Andy's text in black, our comments in bold.

My First Blog Entry - By Andy Roddick, May 10, 2006

Okay, so here is the first of my weekly blogs here on andyroddick.com ….. there is really no set format and I have never done this before so be patient haha…. if this one is terrible, then it will get better…. if this one is good, then next weeks will most likely be much worse. I think I am just going to go for random thoughts.

Hey Andy, how 'bout you mix in an apostrophe between the k and s in weeks? Can someone get this guy a new tutor!

- props to my team the Miami Heat for getting to round 2, although I was not feeling too good when it was tied at two all

Dude, "props?" Did Doc Brown invent a time machine and turn the clock back to 2001? Is the last piece of pop culture you encountered an issue of Tiger Beat that featured the Backstreet Boys? "Giving props" is as out as Chingy, seriously you need to start leaving your trailer.

- Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA and should have won the MVP this year…. even though the Lakers lost, no other player from any team could be substituted in and come close to accomplishing what Kobe and his team did this year. Last year was horrible for him away from the court, but props for bouncing back under so much scrutiny

Dude, enough with the props, I'm not kidding here. Your writing is more dependent on props than Gallagher, and once your career fades, you're clearly headed to obscurity as fast as he did. And get off of Kobe's sack, we get it, Lexus instructed you to "be down with black people." Your forced Kobe endorsements are only making you seem whiter.

- how is this for irony? Kobe and Shaq have baby girls on the same day last week within 6 minutes of each other…. congrats to both… wonder if there were congratulatory phone calls exchanged

We get it, you're not racist. And nice job proving to fans that in spite of your demanding schedule of giving and taking backhands, you still have your finger on the pulse of sports rivalries and know of the ongoing feud between Kobe and Shaq. But dude, a smiley face? Are you my 12 year old pre-pubescent female cousin? Just stop before you kill Lacoste's Q2 sales.

- possibly the worst thing about coming to Europe during this time is not being able to watch the games anymore…. BLAH!!!!

Your attempt to appear as one of us just derailed -- dude, you're in Europe. We're all at cubicles. You ruined it. And yes, obviously, BLAH!!!!? Multiple exclamations after a terrible word choice? One more effeminate outburst and I'll order John McEnroe to bring some closure to your confusion -- only after I give him a flask of Chivas Regal, a crossbow and a dash of some fresh Muncie, Indiana crystal Meth.

- so Mike Bryan is on our same flight over to Rome, and some guy is shaking the back of his headrest the whole time…. that sounds like that would be fun for eight plus hours right?……. that guy should be forced to jump headfirst into a wall..haha

Haha! No. You're sitting first class, you forget to mention, you yard turd. Again, I'm in a cubicle, that is a hell you will never know. Haha!

- Charleston is a great city, and we should definitely get back there for a Davis Cup home tie sometime

We totally hear you, "bro."

- Rome is an absolutely amazing city… When John and i landed here to fight off jet lag, we walked around the city for about 5 hours. I never go sightseeing, but it blew me away. We walked from the Vatican to the Coliseum, and we saw a castle that is still around from 173 AD…. it is almost impossible to comprehend how old that really is, especially being from a country that is a little over 200 years old…… very very cool

That's like, totally deep.

- I have been into this band The Fray…. I am sure most of you have heard their song “Over My Head�, but if not check it out

Why, are they sponsored by Lacoste too? If I got to iTunes will I see them posing in branded clothing while driving a Lexus? Kick fucking ass!

- have eaten too much buffalo mozzarella cheese since I got here

I want to hate on this Andy, oh believe me I do! But I too have once dabbled in Rome's finest buffalo mozzarella cheese. Maybe there is hope for you after all!!!! Nonetheless, those unecessary exclamations are an homage to your social mediocrity.

- a huge congratulations to Captain McEnroe and his wife Melissa for the birth of their first daughter!!!!

Yeah, less time for him to get access to that crossbow.

and as Jim Rome would say even if he was here in Rome “I am out�…

Wow Andy, I'm amazed at your ability to identify linguistic parallels -- Rome and Rome -- different but the same, er, related at least. Want to know who else says he's out? Ryan frickin' Seacrest. In sum, Andy, you're out of touch. You're bordering on legitimate douchebag status. And don't even make fun of my overreliance on the word "Dude." That's how I roll.

But for you, there is still hope, you can be a real person and can grow up despite the childhood you never had. Just stop using yellow smiley faces in any form of conversation, EVER, and you'll be way ahead of the game.

And with all that said, please Andy, please, don't bang my girlfriend.