ESPN IS ONE BIG NUTSACK FACE!

by Andy Kissko, andykissko@yahoo.com

Dear Nutsack Face,

Congratulations on running a ridiculously popular and successful media behemoth. I commend you on obliterating whatever competition you started off having, and all of the subsequent challengers. You invented the 24-hour sports channel and continue to dominate and define your niche. No doubt you achieved this much success because you have done a tremendously efficient job of scratching America's collective sports itch. Up until about three years ago, that is.

Once you realized there was exactly zero competition, and no channels exactly approaching in your rear-view, you got greedy. You got fat and lazy and you flexed your monopolistic muscle. To paraphrase Larry Ellison, you went from being an Edison to a Bill Gates. Everything about your network screams "We're fat and we're lazy! Are you gonna do something about it?"

The once popular Chris Berman and Dick Vitale have become disgusting characatures of themselves that no one has taken seriously, much less tolerated, in damn near a decade. The only "insight" Berman's sweaty, hung-over mouth spews is what he and an athlete had for dinner two nights ago, and how one time at a bar one of the now-retired star players said something funny about some old timer. Much like how Carmen Electra replaces a lack of talent with overt sexuality to stay "relevant", Berman has replaced lack of on-the-field game-specific insight with sheer volume and various regional accents. If the game were on another channel, I'd watch it there. It isn't. Thank god for the radio.

Linda Goddamn Cohn. What. The. Fuck. ?. No seriously. What the fuck? How do you explain yourself? Her morning SportsCenters were so goddamn bad when I was in college that she made me actually regret skipping my 8 a.m. Cognitive Psychology course. Tuning in to see how my teams did the previous night as I was out drinking was much less fun when she was behind the desk. Her god awful hip-hop butchery gave misogyny, self-mutiliation, and atheism a lot of credibility.

You could hear her co-anchors attempts to stifle their laugther as Sweet Linda referenced "Who Let The Dogs Out." Apparently the formula to staying hip is to misquote Stu Scott 7 weeks after he originally quotes a 2-month-old rap song. Why she thinks she has the right to bear the standard for hip-hop is truly depressing. And fucking hilarious. What exactly is her target demographic here? Connecticut mothers of three who wear jeans with 7 inch-zippers and elastic waistbands who love baseball and the lyrics of the Ying-Yang twins? Or college males who prefer to hear the latest Cubs scores from an old white lady who belches out commercial rap lyrics incorrectly? Thanks for making white people seem far more square than they already did. You suck Linda.

Dick Vitale. You are out of control. The only person who could ever do true justice to the craft you have honed is an 11 year-old with ADD and Tourrettes's who shouts through a mega-phone. I love how every year before the NCAA tournament you scream your predictions at us, despite getting your ass kicked in the tourney the previous year. Then all your teams lose by the second round- so you picks new ones and screams as you do it. They lose. Then you pick again and expect us to fucking listen? You think I am going to consult your loud, dumb ass before I place a bet? Shut the f*ck up. You just got 19 games wrong in a row. If volume where charm, Gilbert Gottfried would be giving Bradd Pitt and George Clooney dating advice. Who the fuck has ever said "Yeah, Marv Alberts is ok, Jay Bilas isn't, but you know who I really like is that Vitale guy."

Poker. Are you kidding? It was a respectable novelty at first, but to rerun that World Series of Unshowered Molester-Look-Alike Poker Junkies for the following 85 months after the original airing was inexcusable. I don't care. Poker is cool to play but I am sure as hell not going to watch it. Are you gonna show other dudes playing video games or beating-off next? If it is fun to do on your own, it doesn't mean people want to watch it.

Also please keep in mind that Duke is not the only basketball team in America, and when they do play, Dick Vitale isn't the only man capable of announcing. Nor is Berman the only man capable of calling the Red Sox. No one likes either announcer. Also, the formula for SportsCenter's sequence of stories needn't always be: Barry Bonds, Yankees, Red Sox, commercial, In depth look at Yankees from Baseball Tonight's staff, In depth look at Bonds from Baseball Tonight staff, commercial, all other sports stories, a human interest story involving a hillbilly and/or the mentally and/or physically handicapped, roll credits.

No one is going to buy ESPN Insider for your website either. Are you aware of how pompous the theory of paying for a journalist's opinions/conspiracies/thoughts is?

Your station is quickly becoming the MTV of sports. I can't tell a difference between John Norris, Chris Berman, Dave Holmes, Dick Vitale, Sway, Stu Scott, Gideon Yago, Linda Cohn or DJ Skribble anymore. Well, except that Linda is the most knowledgeable about rap.

All The Best,


Andy