GLENDON RUSCH RESPONSIBLE FOR PLUMMETING WRIGLEYVILLE PROPERTY VALUES

AP (Chicago)- Chicago Cubs demoted starter and soon to be demoted hefty lefty, Glendon Rusch was cited by the Chicago Real Estate Board as the sole reason for slumping real estate prices in the Wrigleyville neighborhood.

“Wrigley Field is no doubt the reason people come to Wrigleyville� said C.R.E.B. chairman Timothy Rogers, “Therefore it truly anchors this neighborhood’s economy- from drawing hoards of people to nearby restaurants, bars, apparel stores, bringing in parking revenue, the tickets and concessions, and keeping the nearby apartments rented at capacity."

“Earlier in the season the apartments were renting at rates we hadn’t seen since winter of 2003, but since Glendon Rusch has really started to shit the bed, the only people getting hit harder than himself and his fan(s), are local real estate firms. Condos are selling for about 18% less than they were earlier in the year and apartment-rental-occupancy is down 12% since late March with fewer leases being renewed�

Rusch (8.01 ERA), who is due to earn $2.75 million this season, started the season as expected- a few good starts followed by a fairly lackluster outing. But lately it has become apparent to local fan Tito Swanson that Rusch is deserving of nearly all of the blame for the Cubs' starting pitching woes.

“Maddux came on like gangbusters and has came back down to Earth a little but has done more than his share. Zambrano was his nutty-ass self early on and didn’t look too bad but got no run support. And the new kid, Marshall, has been much better than can be expected. Even Guzman is coming around, but he's still young yet," Swanson reported between bites of his foot long Polish with the works. “But who the (expletive deleted) has this Glendon guy been (expletive deleted) to keep getting the ball? He lost his starting spot in the rotation to a kid with zero major league starts. Then he comes in from the bullpen and starts (expletive deleted) hairy horse (expletive deleted). He’s the only pitcher, well him and Will “Bad� Ohman (7.20 ERA), who have not carried their weight. But who could carry Rusch’s weight- unless they use The Cream or The Clear?�

“It is the verdict of the Real Estate Board, after careful analysis of multiple sets of data that the sole reason for this Wrigleyville real estate slump is Glendon Rusch. The board and their team of consultants were unable to pin-point any factor other than Rusch as to why people would leave this gorgeous neighborhood at the advent of springtime. We saw this during the Augie Ojeda/Jeff Fassero-era as well" Rogers stated. "In fact, many of the board members who are stationed on the Northside simply call it the ‘Ojeda-Fassero Effect’".

“That fat (expletive deleted). The only slump he’s caused has been to the local real estate market….. You gonna eat them fries?� Swanson opined. “Actually, Ruschie is giving it to me from both ends- ever since the Cubs started losing, all the bars and restaurants’ handles is way down….now a Vienna char-dog costs 2-and-a-quarter instead-a 2-fifteen. That guy’s killing me.�

When asked to comment on the efficacy of Glendon Rusch, local tavern patron and Chicago native Joe Robles stated “Well, basically if Greg Maddux is Mike Ditka, then Glendon Rusch is my sweaty, wrinkly (anatomical expletive deleted).�

-contributed by a watchful eye of the AP News Service, Andy Kissko, andykissko@yahoo.com