IS YOUR SON OR NEPHEW A ROOKIE-VICTIM?
“With the Northwestern Gals officially apologizing yesterday, wholly insincerely, and with their clothes on, their story just won’t seem to go away. Teams are getting suspended left and right for entire seasons, in some cases for a mere night of ‘elephant races’ and varsity-on-JV-sodomy. And there’s more legislation to surely follow! Well, if we’re going to yap and yap and yap about hazing, let’s at least kinda change the subject, fellow media mavens! Us first again? Cause we’re new? That’s it, I’m turning you all in to the administration!� – Rival Room Editor
By Ted Walker, tedwalker25@gmail.com
Unless you’ve been wearing a crusty fish bowl on your head for the last week and a half (and who hasn’t!), you’ve probably seen all of the recent media surrounding the outrageous and appalling (…ly intriguing!) college initiation photos that have surfaced recently on the World Wide Web. Yes, I know, I too was outraged to see that America’s college students drink beer and get all weird. And never one to skirt the edges of such a tawdry journalistic fad, the Rival Room decided to launch its own investigations into the skeezy underbelly of yet another institution once thought to be as pristine as a Mandy Moore cover shoot: the NFL.
It is well known that the NFL’s rookies will face an onslaught of hazing from the veterans of their new teams. I have, however, uncovered a series of revealing (and outrageous!) photos and top-secret testimonials involving this year’s NFL draft class that will outrage your previous perceptions of the league. Without further outrage, here are the results of my investigation: Matt Leinart, the hunky Arizona Cardinal who fell inexplicably to the tenth spot in the draft, showed up at current starting QB Kurt Warner’s house for what he thought was going to be a spirit-cleansing, inspirational Man-Prayer Meeting. Instead, he was met with Warner-wife Brenda’s Super Bowl XXXIV electric blue sweater with boa-trim collar, six gold rings, and a ten-set of fake fingernails, cherry red. Dressed in drag, bound in a corner with athletic tape and unable to reach his BlackBerry, Leinart’s future “teammates� then frosted his tips…white!
Later, in a gruesome conclusion to a harrowing evening, when Leinart tripped over
his high heels and fell to the floor—reports tell me that he hadn’t practiced in weeks—wide receiver stood over him menacingly, yelling, “Spell my first name, bitch! Spell! Anquan Boldin My! First! Name!�
For a college superstar accustomed to the adoring stares of 50-something male Longhorns fans, Vince Young’s rude awakening was a very rude awakening. New Titans “teammates,� backup QB Billy Volek and LB Keith Bulluck, showed precious little regard for Young’s pedigree when they forcibly outfitted him in twelve of former Titan Steve McNair’s used (and probably unwashed!) rib cage protectors, which acted as a makeshift fat suit. The veterans then
paraded Young through the Food Court at Nashville’s CoolSprings Galleria, where he was subjected to the merciless taunting of body-conscious 13-year-olds and other preteens for sixteen of what I am sure were the longest minutes of his life.
Draft day frustration carried over into the Houston Texans locker room during their rookie-hazing week. In the sweaty moments following an early mini-camp, QB David Carr and OL Steve McKinney pressured first overall pick, defensive end Mario Williams, to drink excessive amounts of room temperature Lone Star beer (I mean, yuck!) and prance around in a Reggie Bush USC jersey. Once Williams was good and knackered, the vets, using methods of coercion not seen since Jimmy Johnson did his hair this morning, forced Williams to rush for 1500 yards per season for the next 11 years, win two MVP a
wards, rally the team to the 2009 Super Bowl, and retire to accolades and the Hall of Fame. Then they drew a penis on his face.
Unable to escape hazing from his own team, Saints veterans forced overall pick Reggie Bush to endure a torturous trial of his own. Before he was allowed to partake in post-practice Gatorade or HDTV, Bush had to prevail in a makeshift locker room version
of the American Gladiator Eliminator obstacle course, against Drew Brees’ face-mole.
While he faltered early with an uncharacteristically awkward go on the handbike, Bush ultimately prevailed when the face-mole found the new Rebel (a face-painted, Lycra star-suit wearing Mitch Berger) hiding behind a paper wall with a tackling dummy and a bad attitude.
Finally (for now), Baltimore Ravens “teammates�
made 6’4, 337-pound defensive tackle and twelfth pick in the draft Haloti Ngata do a highly suggestive lap dance for assistant ball boy Jason Barnes. Funeral services will be held for Barnes this Thursday from nine until noon.
This is, I’m outraged to say, only a partial list. If you are delusional enough to think that your NFL rookie son or nephew is safe from the long-term effects of such nastiness, then these grisly uncoverings will perhaps steer you right. If this doesn’t outrage you, then you’re probably the family of a Draft pick living for free in a mansion paid for by some random sports management company or something.
By Ted Walker, tedwalker25@gmail.com
Unless you’ve been wearing a crusty fish bowl on your head for the last week and a half (and who hasn’t!), you’ve probably seen all of the recent media surrounding the outrageous and appalling (…ly intriguing!) college initiation photos that have surfaced recently on the World Wide Web. Yes, I know, I too was outraged to see that America’s college students drink beer and get all weird. And never one to skirt the edges of such a tawdry journalistic fad, the Rival Room decided to launch its own investigations into the skeezy underbelly of yet another institution once thought to be as pristine as a Mandy Moore cover shoot: the NFL.
It is well known that the NFL’s rookies will face an onslaught of hazing from the veterans of their new teams. I have, however, uncovered a series of revealing (and outrageous!) photos and top-secret testimonials involving this year’s NFL draft class that will outrage your previous perceptions of the league. Without further outrage, here are the results of my investigation: Matt Leinart, the hunky Arizona Cardinal who fell inexplicably to the tenth spot in the draft, showed up at current starting QB Kurt Warner’s house for what he thought was going to be a spirit-cleansing, inspirational Man-Prayer Meeting. Instead, he was met with Warner-wife Brenda’s Super Bowl XXXIV electric blue sweater with boa-trim collar, six gold rings, and a ten-set of fake fingernails, cherry red. Dressed in drag, bound in a corner with athletic tape and unable to reach his BlackBerry, Leinart’s future “teammates� then frosted his tips…white! Later, in a gruesome conclusion to a harrowing evening, when Leinart tripped over
his high heels and fell to the floor—reports tell me that he hadn’t practiced in weeks—wide receiver stood over him menacingly, yelling, “Spell my first name, bitch! Spell! Anquan Boldin My! First! Name!�For a college superstar accustomed to the adoring stares of 50-something male Longhorns fans, Vince Young’s rude awakening was a very rude awakening. New Titans “teammates,� backup QB Billy Volek and LB Keith Bulluck, showed precious little regard for Young’s pedigree when they forcibly outfitted him in twelve of former Titan Steve McNair’s used (and probably unwashed!) rib cage protectors, which acted as a makeshift fat suit. The veterans then
paraded Young through the Food Court at Nashville’s CoolSprings Galleria, where he was subjected to the merciless taunting of body-conscious 13-year-olds and other preteens for sixteen of what I am sure were the longest minutes of his life. Draft day frustration carried over into the Houston Texans locker room during their rookie-hazing week. In the sweaty moments following an early mini-camp, QB David Carr and OL Steve McKinney pressured first overall pick, defensive end Mario Williams, to drink excessive amounts of room temperature Lone Star beer (I mean, yuck!) and prance around in a Reggie Bush USC jersey. Once Williams was good and knackered, the vets, using methods of coercion not seen since Jimmy Johnson did his hair this morning, forced Williams to rush for 1500 yards per season for the next 11 years, win two MVP a
wards, rally the team to the 2009 Super Bowl, and retire to accolades and the Hall of Fame. Then they drew a penis on his face. Unable to escape hazing from his own team, Saints veterans forced overall pick Reggie Bush to endure a torturous trial of his own. Before he was allowed to partake in post-practice Gatorade or HDTV, Bush had to prevail in a makeshift locker room version
of the American Gladiator Eliminator obstacle course, against Drew Brees’ face-mole.While he faltered early with an uncharacteristically awkward go on the handbike, Bush ultimately prevailed when the face-mole found the new Rebel (a face-painted, Lycra star-suit wearing Mitch Berger) hiding behind a paper wall with a tackling dummy and a bad attitude.
Finally (for now), Baltimore Ravens “teammates�
made 6’4, 337-pound defensive tackle and twelfth pick in the draft Haloti Ngata do a highly suggestive lap dance for assistant ball boy Jason Barnes. Funeral services will be held for Barnes this Thursday from nine until noon. This is, I’m outraged to say, only a partial list. If you are delusional enough to think that your NFL rookie son or nephew is safe from the long-term effects of such nastiness, then these grisly uncoverings will perhaps steer you right. If this doesn’t outrage you, then you’re probably the family of a Draft pick living for free in a mansion paid for by some random sports management company or something.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
12:02 AM
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