KEEPIN' FIT WITH RONNY J

by Ronald Jickstoom

"Ronny J is our buddy's father. He used to play basketball for the University of Detroit-Mercy. He throws these great parties every time they earn the right to lose in the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament. Now his daughter plays for them too. Who are we to ignore his expertise?"-Rival Room Editors

OOOH BABY I REMEMBER HOW YOU LOVED ME....TIME WAS ALL WE HAD UNTIL THE DAY WE SAID GOODBYE....OOOOH I REEEEMEMBER EVERY MOMENT OF THOSE ENDLESS SUMMER NIGHTS. My dear Red Wings, why do you hurt me so? A first round knock out? Who would have thought this to be possible? I am left with nothing more than a luke warm 40' and Richard Marx to comfort me as I lay helpless on the living room floor. Perhaps I would feel better if I were to relieve myself into my pajama trousers. I'll just let a little pee pee go. Aaahhh. That's nice. I could lay here all night, drinking and peeing into the carpet and listening to the sweet romance of 80s light rock.

Maybe the family kitten would like to join me? Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Where are you Beatrice? Want to play doctor? That cat is pretty hot...for a cat. Kitty, kitty, where are you? Ah there you are, sleeping in my daughter's bed. My wonderful daughter. I think I'll lie down on her pillow and think back on her basketball career. Mmmm, these bed cloths smell a bit like lilacs. I don't want my urine pants ruining such a delightful waft. I should probably take these off. What was I thinking peeing into them?

There, that's better...naked in the pretty sheets. I'm going to take a nap. This bed is really comfortable. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. The Red Wings.