KEEPIN' FIT WITH RONNY J
by Ronald Jickstoom
"Ronny J is our buddy's father. He used to play basketball for the University of Detroit-Mercy. He throws these great parties every time they earn the right to lose in the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament. Now his daughter plays for them too. Who are we to ignore his expertise?"-Rival Room Editors
For years now, I have been touring the fierce circuit of semi-recreational 5k charity races to quench my thirst for head to head competition and to reap all of the rewards that come along with it. This year will be no different. While visiting my son in Chicago, I plan on participating i
n the Chase Corporate Challenge. Although I am not technically registered to run this race, nor has any donation been made in my name, I will compete nonetheless.
Running in charity 5k races is much different than taking a leisurely jog on a tuesday. During a formal racing event, I must remain poised, focused and play by the rules. At the Corporate Challenge, there will be countless field judges who have a keen eye for foul play. Participants found cheating are removed faster than Grandma's pantyhoes. In order to win a 5k like this, the trickery involved in a competitive jog may not
be employed. This makes sense, since the goals are very different here. In a 5k, you have to keep your eye on the prize. That prize varies from race to race, and unfortunate as it may be, is never a 12 year old's boysenberry strudel. Rather, it's often a fresh apple, a t-shirt bearing a list of the race's sponsors or a medallion of participation. Not to brag, but of participants in the 12 minute mile group, I have the reputation of winning the shit out of these races. The key is to enter races and claim you run way slower than you actually do. Its like taking candy from Terri Schaivo. Anyway, here is a short list of the races I have ran and the prizes I have won at them over the years in semi-competetive endurance race challenge championships:
From February 2005 until the present, I have taken a hiatus due to a drinking problem. I have since solved that problem by ignoring it. I also like children. This month's Corporate Challenge will mark my glorious return to the field of competition. I am going to come out guns a blazin' and, to play it safe, race agianst the non-competitive field of runners. This will ensure a victory and return me to the spotlight of glory. I should be on a Wheaties box. My story is more touching than Lance Armstrong's and more tender than a youngster's inner thigh area.
So you may be asking yourself, "how can I become a god amongst men like Ron J.?" The answer is that you probably won't. However, with unyielding perserverience and a positive mental attitude, you can have a small taste of the victor's chalice.
n the Chase Corporate Challenge. Although I am not technically registered to run this race, nor has any donation been made in my name, I will compete nonetheless.Running in charity 5k races is much different than taking a leisurely jog on a tuesday. During a formal racing event, I must remain poised, focused and play by the rules. At the Corporate Challenge, there will be countless field judges who have a keen eye for foul play. Participants found cheating are removed faster than Grandma's pantyhoes. In order to win a 5k like this, the trickery involved in a competitive jog may not
be employed. This makes sense, since the goals are very different here. In a 5k, you have to keep your eye on the prize. That prize varies from race to race, and unfortunate as it may be, is never a 12 year old's boysenberry strudel. Rather, it's often a fresh apple, a t-shirt bearing a list of the race's sponsors or a medallion of participation. Not to brag, but of participants in the 12 minute mile group, I have the reputation of winning the shit out of these races. The key is to enter races and claim you run way slower than you actually do. Its like taking candy from Terri Schaivo. Anyway, here is a short list of the races I have ran and the prizes I have won at them over the years in semi-competetive endurance race challenge championships:- May 1999 - Wayne County Fun Run - Orange Slices
- July 1999 - Independence Day 5k - Certificate of Merit
- October 1999 - Autumn Classic - Horn of Plenty Broach
- January 2000 - Holiday 5k - Hot Cider and Apple Turn-over Treat
- March 2000 - Spring Time Jubalee - Golden Medal
- April 2000 - Harper Valley Jubalee - Champion's Blouse
- July 2000 - Independence Day 5k - Certificate of Merit
- August 2000 - Race for the Cure - Cancer
- November 2000 - City of Westland Run/Walk - Some Cheese and Punch
- February 2001 - Partrige Tree 5k - Victor's Wreath
- March 2001 - Spring Time Jubalee - Golden Medal
- July 2003 - Independence Day 5k - Certificate of Merit
- September 2003 - Ferndale Foot Frolic - Fresh Apple or Bananna
- October 2003 - Autumn Classic - Horn of Plenty Broach
- January 2004 - Holiday 5k - Hot Cider and Apple Turn-over Treat
- March 2004 - Spring Time Jubalee - Golden Medal
- July 2004 - Independence Day 5k - Certificate of Merit
- August 2004 - Race for the Cure - AIDS
- November 2004 - City of Westland Run/Walk - Some Cheese and Punch
- February 2005 - Partrige Tree 5k - Victor's Wreath
From February 2005 until the present, I have taken a hiatus due to a drinking problem. I have since solved that problem by ignoring it. I also like children. This month's Corporate Challenge will mark my glorious return to the field of competition. I am going to come out guns a blazin' and, to play it safe, race agianst the non-competitive field of runners. This will ensure a victory and return me to the spotlight of glory. I should be on a Wheaties box. My story is more touching than Lance Armstrong's and more tender than a youngster's inner thigh area.
So you may be asking yourself, "how can I become a god amongst men like Ron J.?" The answer is that you probably won't. However, with unyielding perserverience and a positive mental attitude, you can have a small taste of the victor's chalice.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
11:21 PM
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