KENTUCKY DERBY REACTION: BARBARO SPEAKS!

by Andy Kissko, andykissko@yahoo.com

After winning the Kentucky Derby, Barbaro's trainer Michael Matz requested that his horse be psychoanalyzed in order to refocus his horse chi for the upcoming Preakness Stakes. The session took place in Miami University professor Gordon Allen's office where a special couch was brought in for the undefeated horse.

Dr. Allen: Barbaro, I know you are familiar with the word association aspect of psychoanalysis. When I say a word or a phrase, you tell me the first thing that pops into your head. I t's important that you realize there are no right or wrong answers here- so don't filter your thoughts, just blurt out the first thing that enters your mind.

Barbaro: Will do.

Allen: Ok, let's begin then. First topic: Brother Derek

Barbaro: Talented horse, bad post

Allen: Bluegrass Cat

Barbaro: How did my ass look on Saturday, big guy?

Allen: Sinister Minister

Barbaro: Hype.

Allen: Smarty Jones

Barbaro: Freakishly talented.

Allen: Preakness

Barbaro: Focus

Allen: Belmont

Barbaro: Perseverance, determination, stamina.

Allen: 2006 Kentucky Derby

Barbaro: Remember when Venus Williams won her first Wimbledon, after beating Serena in the semis and a lot of people thought that the match was fixed so Venus could have a grand slam as well as Serena? Then after Venus won, her looney-ass dad made that sign on a dry-erase board that said "This was Venus's party and no one else was invited" and he started doing some cracked-out dance while holding it? That's kinda how I felt- that it was my party and no one else was invited. I looked up in the stands after my race to see if anyone had made a similar sign, but no one had. Well, not one that I saw, anyway. Remind me to tell my publicist to invite Richard Williams to sit with my owners at the Preakness and Belmont. That sign would be really cool, I think. Who the hell brings a dry-erase board to their box seats at Wimbledon, of all places? What if she lost? How would you explain that on your way out? "Sorry your daughter lost, Richie Baby, What's that board for?" "What board? Oh, this? Oh, no reason. I lost a bet and so I had to promise to carry a dry-erase board into Wimbledon that's all it is"

Allen: Lawyer Ron

Barbaro: Talented but overhyped

Allen: Tom Durkin

Barbaro: Best sports announcer in America

Allen: AP Warrior

Barbaro: Who? He was talking about me and I was like, "Karim Garcia, I mean, AP Warrior, who are you?" Yeah, he isn't a bad horse I think he got a little over-hyped too. I just don't think he can move faster than a 101 Beyer. Do you like Pedro Martinez too, Doc?

Allen: Hell yes I do. Doesn't everybody? Speaking of which, was Edgar Prado kind of like your good luck midget, sorta like Pedro had for the 2004 playoffs?

Barbaro: Interesting question. I never thought of it like that, but yes, in many ways he was. I bet this Derby has a lot of other parallels to the 2004 World Series, similar to the Lincoln and Kennedy assassination coincidences....I beat Baffert, the BoSox beat the Yank-offs, both sort of Evil Empires.

Allen: The Red Sox ended the curse of the Bambino and you were the first horse in 50 years to win the Derby after a five-week layoff...

Barbaro: True, and "Barbaro" kinda sounds like "Bambino," and both victories took place in the Midwest. Babe Ruth started his career in Boston, and then went on to curse them. I was born in Kentucky but I live in Pennsylvania and came back to Kentucky to win. Also Terry Francona has often been referred to as "The Michael Matz of baseball managers."

Allen: Barbaro, no, no he hasn't been called that. In fact, you were really stretching with all of those.

Barbaro: No, you're right. I was stretching. I really was, I really was.... I guess it's good that I am here getting analyzed.

Allen: Winning

Barbaro: The reason I get out of the stall every morning

Allen: Desire

Barbaro: Essential

Allen: Michael Matz

Barbaro: Terry Francona-like

Allen: Training

Barbaro: The only possible route between myself and success

Allen: Undefeated

Barbaro: Immortality

Allen: Barry Bonds

Barbaro: You're angry, Barry, we get it. I just hope Bonds rubs some of The Cream and The Clear on the area of the brain that makes you shut the hell up. Its funny how once his show came on the air, ESPN can't seem to talk enough about him.

Allen: Success

Barbaro: Finishing first

Allen: Bust

Barbaro: Jennifer Love Hewitt and Todd Hundley, but for different reasons.

Allen: Tom Cruise

Barbaro: I guess the only question I have about him is for his PR Guy, and my question would be "Which exit off the New Jersey Turnpike did Tom's Scientology Gestapo torture your genitalia as payback for what has become of his image?"

Allen: Bob Baffert

Barbaro: He looks like a villain from a comic book and he tries too hard to be Mr. Horse Racing. That was nice of him to take Derek Lowe under his wing though, and show him the proper way to leave your wife for a younger female journalist who had interviewed you recently. He passes along what he learns so that future generations can learn about abandonment, philandering and machismo. That's just good karma.

Allen: Ok, time is almost up. Last association topic: Unfinished business.

Barbaro: The untimely demise of the TV show Strangers With Candy, and why was there never a sequel to Uncle Buck? I love that movie- Macaulay Culkin AND John Candy's best work by far. Oh, also winning the Triple Crown.