MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL ALL-TIME TOKIN' TEAM

Pictured above: Team Captains Bill "Spaceman" Lee (left) and Darren "Dutchie" Dalton enjoying some of the Spaceman's finest dank.

By Andy Kerns aka Writeasaurus Rex aka Streakasaurus Rex aka Stalkasaurus Rex, kerns333@aol.com

When cool-as-vanilla-pudding pitcher Freddy Garcia showed up at the World Baseball Classic this past March–playing for his native Venezuela–a chubby, sun-baked face and long, bleached locks hardly roused much serious attention. But his puss-filled fastball sure did. Known as a power pitcher with a sinker in the low-to-mid-nineties, Freddy surprised everyone with an impromptu Greg Maddux impersonation, rarely bothering to "oompf" a fastball over eighty-four miles an hour. Though most people were quick to point out how early it was in the year, the table was set with suspicion and skepticism. And rightly so.

This past April, it was revealed that Freddy Garcia tested positive for marijuana during the World Baseball Classic. In honor of Freddy getting caught with his hand in the Devil’s cookie jar, Rivalfish will mark this development along baseball’s storied drug landscape by presenting Major League Baseball’s All-Time Tokin’ Team, a team comprised of the game’s most notable chink-eyed cheeba mongers.

Co-captaining this crack squad of totally righteous mongoids are none other than Darren "Dutchie" Daulton and Bill "Spaceman" Lee.

Darren “Dutchie� Daulton, Catcher: Daulton, a former All-Star catcher with the Phillies, recently claimed that he "skips through time" and engages in "astral travel." Take a moment and let that sink in: this grown man thinks he flies around the universe visiting planets at night. When asked to comment on his struggles with estranged wife, Nicole, Dutchie had this to say: "I’ve been thrown in jail five or six times. Nicole thinks I’m crazy. She blames everything on drugs and drinking. But I don’t take drugs and I’m not a drunk. Nicole just doesn’t understand metaphysics." Geez Nicole, it sounds like you’re not even making an effort.



Bill “Spaceman� Lee, Starting Pitcher: When asked once about drug testing, Red Sox starter Bill "Spaceman" Lee said, "I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the Sixties I tested everything." Known for writing the name of a planet and the year (i.e. Pluto, ‘73) next to his autograph, Lee also once told reporters that he sprinkled marijuana on his pancakes as part of a pre-game ritual.




Jackie “Go Go Get Me Some Ganja� Robinson, Second Base: During his campaign to outlaw marijuana in the 1930s, federal official Henry Anslinger argued that "Reefer makes darkies think they’re as good as white men." Or in the case of our second baseman, Jackie Robinson, it made them think they’re better. Which he was. Just think though, if Go Go Jackie hadn’t been moonlighting as Puff Puff Robinson, who’s to say whether he’d have had the courage to light up those base paths and raise the game of baseball to a higher level?



Ozzie “The Wizard� Smith, Shortstop: Ozzie "The Wizard" Smith was known for regularly performing cart wheels, round-offs, and back-flips on the way out to his position before the start of a game. For me, nothing screams "drug abuse" like a bearded man doing gymnastics tricks for no particular reason at all. Interestingly, Ozzie’s "Wizard" nickname has nothing to do with "The Wizard of Oz," or the short-stop’s acrobatic play. It stems from Ozzie’s tradition of wearing a Merlin-style sorcerer hat whenever hot-boxing his eight car garage with friends. Go figure.



Ken “Gene-O� Caminiti, Third Base: God bless his soul, Kenneth Gene Caminiti lost his life on October 10th, 2004 to acute intoxication due to the combined effects of cocaine and opiates. While it was his unfortunate career-long battle with steroids, cocaine, and alcohol that kept Kenny down and often incarcerated, it was his late-in-life foray into a derivative of the poppy seed that helped lift him on his way to heaven. After his career had waned, and his adult-acne ridden homers were a distant memory, Caminiti took a job as San Diego’s Spring Training instructor. By the start of the season, his players had developed into formidable big-leaguers and seasoned Tijuanan drug-traffickers. “Stick to the hippie drugs, and you’ll be alright,� he often instructed his up-and-comers. Sadly, Kenny the Ketamine Cooker didn’t heed his own advice.



Orlando “Cha Cha� Cepeda, First Base: Of our next player, Willie Mays once said, "He is annoying every pitcher in the league. He is strong, he hits to all fields, and he makes all the plays. He’s the most relaxed first-year man I ever saw." Uhh, bingo? Orlando "Cha Cha" Cepeda was famously arrested in 1975, a year after he retired, for attempting to transport over 150 pounds of marijuana through an airport in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Very subtle, Cha Cha, very subtle indeed.



Manny “ROOR� Ramirez, Left Field: Meandering around left field, trying to catch butterflies, and daydreaming about ripping massive tubes, is Manny Ramirez. This goes way beyond the dreads, people. Manny Ramirez, Boston’s cloud-gazing extraordinaire, acts like a clown on the field and off. He also manages to look sloppier in his uniform than "The Dude" looked in a flannel robe and White Russian-soaked beater. Best of all though, when Manny goes yard, he runs the bases in a manner that epitomizes what it means to be ... a professional ... gentleman ... of leisure.



“Gorgeous� George Sisler, Centerfield: Patrolling center is "Gorgeous" George Sisler. Simple. Never heard of him? Neither have we. He played from 1915-1930, and in 1922 he finished the season with a .420 batting average. Only time it’s ever happened in history. Legend even has it, the dedicated wake n’ baker was hitting .421 going into the final game of the season and he whiffed three times on purpose just to drag the average down. Gorgeous move George.




Johnnie B. “Dusty� Baker, Jr., Right Field: Names just don’t get phiner than Johnnie B. Baker, Jr. And cats don’t get cooler than this one, known better as "Dusty." Johnnie B Bake Man was born in Riverside Cali, baby, and he’ll play right field for the Tokers, if that’s alright with you Daddy-O. As a manager, Dusty has exhibited an uncanny ability to maintain loose, friendly, and relaxed clubhouse atmospheres. Uhh, like pass the hookah, bra. Dusty also has quite a resinated tongue; he is physically incapable of delivering a sentence without book-ending it with at least one "man," ya know man?



In closing, it must be noted that Darryl Strawberry "Fields Forever" was a serious candidate for the third and final outfield spot, as his association with drug abuse trumps even that of Barry Bonds. During our intense brainstorming efforts, we at the Fish were very weary of overlooking his outstanding efforts to just "get elevated." The problem is, Darryl always seemed to prefer carving the powdery slopes rather than ditching the skis and sitting by the fire in the cabin, playing guitar, wiggling his toes around in his wool socks, and passing around a reddish-orange bong named, "Trey." Ganj is certainly a gateway drug, and it therefore stands to reason that Darryl often likes to go where "nothing is real and there’s nothing to get hung about," but with his "bitch-slap rappin’ and a cocaine tongue," Daryll just wouldn’t get anything done amidst that Toker clubhouse vibe. Ya dig?