MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD! - AL BUNDY v. DAN CONNER

by Ross Frank DiMarco III, rfdimar@pointpark.edu

First and foremost, I want to thank all of my adoring fans that prayed for my well-being. The thousands of Get Well cards I received really proved to me how much you cared about my illness. The itching has subsided and the doctor said the redness will clear up any day now. Anyway, let’s get to business.

It’s the battle of the white trash fathers this week. Unfortunately, Rivalfish editor Tello Real is not a father yet (mainly because he is not attracted to women), so it’s Bundy vs. Conner.

These two white trash fathers led their respective families right into the toilet. You could almost see the steam of white trash stench rising from their clothes.

Dan Conner was the ying to Roseanne’s yang. He raised all of his children, Becky, Darlene, and D.J. to respect the ways of the true white trash lifestyle. In keeping with this lifestyle, he held several different jobs such as a dry wall specialist, bike shop owner and bus inspector for the city government.

Conner may have thought he had the white trash persona down to T, but no one rocked the W.T. label more than Al Bundy. His life showed so much promise as the star fullback for Polk High School and once scoring four touchdowns in a single game. His slut daughter, Kelly, was as dumb as she was hot. The shoe salesman and proud Dodge owner never strayed from his white trash habits of smelly feet and pit-stained buttoned up shirts.

There is no love between these two. Each want to be the only white trash father around, so this is how I see it going down.

The two agree to meet in the North Side of Chicago because Jefferson D’Arcy drove Al and he had no idea where else to go.

Conner shows with no shirt and the rest of posse, his family, in tote. Bundy appears with his “NO MA’AM� on.

“Hey Conner, those things on your chest look like they could be in Big Uns,� says Al. “Maybe you can get a job at the Jiggly Room Topless Bar.�

“Kick his ass, Dan,� screeches Roseanne.

“Why don’t you put a leash on that dog,� responds Al.

Conner begins the fight with a crushing head butt. He stays all over Al, not giving him the opportunity to move. He drives a knee right into Bundy’s back. The punishment continues when he throws an ankle lock on Bundy.

Unfortunately, Al’s shoe falls off in the process and Conner instantly is knocked unconscious due to the foul smell of Bundy’s foot.

“That’s what I’m talking about, baby,� shouts Al.

In a beautiful white trash strategic move, Bundy farts in Conner’s mouth.

“That is compliments of the 79 Weenie Tots I ate last night,� says Bundy. “Now, it’s time for me to end this thing.�

Bundy jumps up on his Dodge and jumps down with a Bundy Splash, ending the life of Conner.

“Can I get a ‘Whoa Bundy?’� says Al.

Winner: Al Bundy by way of chilling, mid '80s WWF strategy