RIVALFISH'S TOP TEN SPORTS MOVIES OF ALL TIME

by III, wald66@hotmail.com

Forget about The Natural and Hoosiers for 5 minutes and feast your eyes on some of these all-time sports movie classics.


10. Bad News Bears

The fact that it was made in the 70s pushes this one down the list a little, but it's a winner nonetheless. Put aside the haircuts, clothes, and that terribly unnatural sound of the bat hitting the ball, and you've got yourself one hell of a flick. Everyone from Walter Matthau in his prime to Tatum O'Neal (pre Michael Jackson) put on a stellar performance.


9. Pistol: Birth of a Legend

Most people probably haven't even heard of this movie, but it could be perhaps one of the most impressive teenage performances in sports movie history. Based on the life of ball-handling legend "Pistol" Pete Maravich, Adam Guier, who plays the young Pistol Pete, shows us where hours and hours of not getting laid will get you. Instead of reading dirty magazines in his bed at night, this kid was practicing his shooting form. Instead of breaking into his parents' alcohol stash, this kid was dribbling basketballs on railroad tracks. Instead of working on his acting skills so as to further his career, young Adam was spinning balls on his fingers in the middle of restaurants. All of that said, it's a pretty amazing film and a must-see for basketball fans everywhere.



8. Hoop Dreams

This is one of the most depressing sports movies of all time. The reason? It's real. This documentary follows two young kids, William Gates and Arthur Agee, through the trials and tribulations of growing up in a poor Chicago neighborhood, dreaming of one day making it to the NBA. Gates is shown as a dazzling young star on the cusp of stardom, ripped from the game (literally) after he tears his ACL (or maybe it was the MCL; who gives a shit, his career's over). Agee had a somewhat different story. Growing up, he was more interested in how clean his shoes were during the game than how many points he had. Basically his career was over before it started. I read an article in Sports Illustrated a year or two ago on these guys. I guess one designs clothes and the other is a minister or some shit. Didn't see that coming.



7. Mighty Ducks

Before you mock, I pose one question: How many other sports movies had a damn team named after them? If I'm not mistaken, Indiana was already the Hoosiers before that classic came out. And you can't tell me that the Triple Deke(French for "move the puck to the side?") is not one of the greatest moves of all time. I want to meet the man, or 10 year-old, that hasn't practiced the Triple Deke in their backyard for hours on end trying to get it perfect. The movie also features one of the most brilliant coaching strategies of all-time. Frankly, I don't know why NHL teams everywhere haven't adapted this move. Put in a goalie that is so fat, he takes up the entire net! It's a no-brainer. Ridiculous? I ask you this. Who would be a better goaltender? Jared pre-Subway diet, or Jared post-Subway diet? Exactly.



6. Necessary Roughness

Kathy Ireland kicking balls around, the dude from Quantum Leap, Sinbad! Stellar casting was the key to this cinematic victory. The movie also features one of the greatest scenes of sports movie history. The Armadillos meat up with their rivals at a bar somewhere in Texas. Flat Top, the villain, pours a beer on Quantum Leap's head. Leap looks at the guy, laughs, and says, "This is my throwing hand (showing Flat Top his right hand.)" Then, BOOM, throws a left hook. Best scene in the movie. I would have liked to have seen them delve deeper into the Kathy Ireland shower scene, though. They really didn't touch on the sexual discrimination and how hard it is for a woman living in a man's locker room. The feminists should be appalled at this.



5. Rudy

I personally think Jon Favreau steals the show, playing Rudy's ridiculously pathetic roommate. They only gave him like four lines, though, which kind of sucked. And if Sean Astin wouldn't have grown up to be such a woman, I might have put Rudy up there in the Top 3. How do you go from playing Rudy, one of the most heroic football icons of Notre Dame history, to a hobbit in Lord of the Rings. It's sad, really.



4. Any Given Sunday

Al Pacino's speech at the end of the movie is one of the coolest scenes of all time. Forget The Godfather. Forget Carlito's Way. Any Given Sunday is Al's masterpiece in my book. "Because that's what living is! The 6 inches in front of your face.." Powerful, really. And, I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone, Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell makes a lovely appearance as Al Pacino's favorite hooker. Remember that episode when Jessie was taking caffeine pills? I knew right then she would have a troubled future, and now look at her. If Zach and the gang could have been there for her, who knows what could have happened? Appearances by LL Cool J, Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx also make this an instant classic. Even Lawrence Taylor took some time out from his debilitating cocaine habit to add a few lines. Thanks LT!



3. Bull Durham

When I was 11 years old, this parent of a kid on my team was heckling kids on the other team, and called one scrawny, helpless kid "Meat." I never knew why until I saw Bull Durham. I'm saying its Kevin Costner and Tim Robbins at their best and I don't care who hears it. However, I did thoroughly enjoy The Postman. And who would have thought that Susan Sarandon could look halfway decent? That's Hollywood for you. I'd still only give her a 5.5, though.



2. Caddyshack

"It's in da hole!" I say it everytime I make a putt. Backed by an amazing soundtrack featuring Journey, this film is an obvious classic. Murray, Dangerfield, the kid that played Spalding. They are all just in a whole different class of their own. This would have been number one if they wouldn't have gone and tarnished the Caddyshack reputation by making a Part 2. The directors should be shot for that one. But, on their death-bed, they will receive total consciousness; which is nice.



1. Major League

"Come on, Dorn, don't give me none of that Ole bullshit." I love this movie. I love it so much, in fact, that I gave it the number one spot despite it being about the Cleveland Indians. I saw it for my first time at around 11 years old and I haven't looked back since. Sex, profanity, booze, broads; it has what every sports movie needs. It shines a light on what professional baseball actually is. Professional baseball isn't Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada walking into the stadium before a game with two Starbucks lattes, dressed in designer pants, holding hands like a couple of homos. It's Mark Grace lighting up a cigarette in the clubhouse. It's Cal Ripken, Jr. playing through broken bones. It's Kris Benson being married to a playboy model. These are the intricacies of baseball that Hollywood must touch on to create a true sports cinema experience. By the way, who does Cerrano think he is with this non-satirical character bullshit?

And with that, my list comes to a crashing end. Thanks for listening.