THE TALLER THEY ARE, THE FARTHER THEY FALL - WHERE IS GHEORGHE MURESAN NOW?

by Ticklebass, jansell@rivalfish.com

A man more famous and better looking than I once boldly claimed, "the best things are life in free."

What this man didn't know, is that as of May 2006, you can now rent a private basketball lesson with Gheorghe Muresan for a mere $40 dollars. And I'm talking a weak dollar too.

$40 frickin dollars? This shocking, needs-to-be-exploited-immediately news must have the CEO of Spencer Gifts shaking in his britches. Hell, I'd bet my sister's virginity on the fact that there's a whoopee cushion factory in Indonesia shutting down as I type this.

Thanks to my good buddy Jarrett Solomon, the shorter, Jewisher, good-looking, and surprisingly well-hung fella in the pictures to the left we now have photographic evidence of human DNA's best attempt at recreating Bigfoot himself.

Yes, single ladies over 6'8", Muresan was recently spotted "teaching" an hour of instructional basketball in a Washington, D.C. YMCA gym. And no, he wasn't there taping a Tom Emanski-like commercial that might go on to guide thousands of young NBA hopefuls. Nor was he donating his valuable time for a United Way benefit. Rather, he was being rented out like a Binghamton, NY truck stop hooker, by a few guys looking for a good time.

Why would Gheorghe stoop so low? And when I say low I mean $40 for the full hour, not $40/per person/per hour. Yes, Mugsy low. Earl Boykins low. Doesn't he know that he's worth more? S#it, I mean, a cab from the Chicago Loop to O'Hare costs $35. It costs $11 to park. A tank of gas is $50! You're telling me that Gheorge can't command more?!

Granted, Gheorghe Muresan was never an A-list NBA star but his 7'7" height makes him an unforgettable bastion of the hardwood. Even Gheorghe knows that his 9.8 lifetime ppg average isn't impressive enough to pick up a dong-craved chick at a Serbian nightclub, but he's not one of those guys who fades quietly into the night. In our sick and twisted world, we Americans pay a pretty goddamned penny to see ANY genetic oddity. Hell, you probably shelled out decent money to see Gheorghe not too long ago, in the critically-acclaimed My Giant.

For the sake of the last semblance of this grotesquely tall, deformed man's dignity, get thee to a nunnery (er...a nunnery that specializes in giving autographs to kids in suburban midwestern towns for a marginal fee) -- because GHEORGHE CAN BE MAKING WAY MORE MONEY IF HE GETS OUT OF THAT CRAPPY YMCA GYM AND GETS A DECENT MANAGER OR AGENT!!!

Gheorghe, it's sad, because I can tell that part of your effort to "teach" the game to kids is part of your deep-seeded desire to be legitimate, to be taken seriously. What you need to realize is that people are so insecure and confused when they see someone of your abnormal height, that their awkward giggles and own self-doubt always falls on your back in the form of ridicule. No matter where you go, you'll be considered a laughingstock. It's not your fault, it's your DNA's fault for bringing you into our harsh, judgmental world.

My advice Gheorghe: Simply get as rich as you can along the way. Laugh in the faces of those who laugh at you. Wipe your 19 inch asscrack with a Benjamin Franklin along the way.

Step #1: Leave that gym. In fact, forget steps #2 and #3.

Here's our offer, straight up: Rivalfish will pay you $50/hr to change the really tall lightbulb that none of us can reach because we can't setup a ladder on the stairwell. It's a strobe light and we all pop Ecstasy daily, so it "needs" to be changed fairly often.

Are you in?

**Editor's Note: Anyone looking to "rent" Gheorghe Muresan in the Washington, D.C. area, for $40/hr please email me at jansell@rivalfish.com**