CAN I AGREE WITH OZZIE?
By Adam Briner, adamcbriner@yahoo.com
I’ll start by telling you that I am a die hard Cubs fan and have been since the day I was born. This is season is difficult to bear for obvious reasons, so I’ve decided to stop cheering for the
Cubs. Instead, I’ve dedicated myself not to the love of the Cubs, but to a hatred of all things Sox. I’m not proud of it, but it’s an emotion to cling to that far betters the depression that inevitably comes from watching a Cubs game.
Instead, I choose to hate the Sox. I hate the White Sox. I hate the Red Sox. I now only wear sandals, regardless of the weather, in order to avoid wearing socks.
I tell you about this unhealthy hatred and my socially unacceptable choices in fashion only to illustrate that I never, ever, ever like or agree with anything the Sox do.
That said, I must admit against my better judgment that I agree with Ozzie Guillen.
A number of teams have been throwing at Sox players, mostly because they deserve it. Ozzie Guillen is old school and, thus, calls for retaliation. The Sox players have not responded to the liking of their extremely-illiterate coach. In fact, it is rumored that they have instead invited the opposing players to a sit down dinner to “talk about their problems,� followed by a ceremonial “smoking of the peace pipe.� That hippie Brian Anderson thinks he raise his average by upping his toxicology level. No one has the heart to tell him otherwise.
This infuriates Ozzie for two reasons. One – he’s Venezuelan, not American Indian. In Venezuelan culture, smoking a peace pipe symbolizes cowardly surrender. Also, “no� means “yes� and a “murderer� is a person who frowns a lot. Two – he said retaliate, damn it.
Well, he said it, but he didn’t say it, you know what I’m saying?
In a game last week in which Texas douche-hurler Vincente Padilla threw at one of The Champs, Ozzie put in some scrub minor league pitcher (Sean Tracey) to throw at the Rangers. This, of course, is brilliant.
Why get a player you could actually use tossed from the game and possibly suspended? Why did I wear my finest blouse to the 25 cent wing and 50 cent Moonshine night at Skull Tickler’s Tavern last week? I’ve long said that NBA teams should use that 12th roster spot for Brian Urlacher in order to take care of the opposing Shaqs or Kobes. Oh, Mr. Urlacher, you were thrown out of the game for breaking both of Mr. Bryant’s knees? Oh well, we better put someone in who can actually play basketball. No more Kobe. All problems solved.
Ozzie did this. The problem is that the scrub didn’t hit the Texas batte
r. He struck him out. Ozzie, then, did the right thing and immediately sent him back to the minors forever. One batter, one strike out, and a life sentence playing for the Noblesville Love Chickens.
A few games later, the opposing team threw at A.J. Pierzenski, mostly because he makes grandmothers want to strangle their pets, mothers suffocate their newborns, and boyfriends deceptively impregnate their girlfriends. Ozzie wanted A.J. to charge the mound, but A.J. just looked at the pitcher, gave the “we’ll talk about this over a super dank Mexcalita Silver peace pipe� sign, and took his base. Ozzie was furious. Come on A.J., you’re supposed to be a tough guy. You were the one who claimed on national television that it didn’t hurt when one of the strongest catchers in the league punched you in your receding jawline. I suspect you went to the locker room to cry before and after that interview. Charge the mound, you pansy. Or would that make the backrub you were going to give him later a little too awkward?
And then, when the smoke had finally settled from the sox inner-squad bean-ball quandary, Ozzie dropped the F-bomb on Chicago’s foremost sports journalist. No, not just “fuck.� He straight up called him a “fucking fag.� And then he said it means something different in his culture. Isn’t it a borrowed English word to any Spanish speaker, meaning it means whatever it does in the language of its origin? So he was either saying that Jay Mariotti was a “fucking cigarette� (British translation), or a “fucking derogatory name for a homosexual� (accurate translation). Goddamn, I wish my girlfriend bought bullshit that stinky. But anyway Oz, talk about all-time-things-everyone-wants-to-call-that-guy-but-don’t-have-the-lack-of-couth-and-
sensitivity-or-batshit-insanity-to-dare EVER. So in that regard, once again, way to go Ozzie.
In conclusion (notice the perfect five-paragraph form) I agree with Ozzie. Get out there and mix it up. Play old school baseball, also known as “watchable baseball�. If you’re too frail to get in there and cause some ruckus, and too apathetic to care about the game you are playing, then cross the gentrification lines and play for my Cubbies.
I’ll start by telling you that I am a die hard Cubs fan and have been since the day I was born. This is season is difficult to bear for obvious reasons, so I’ve decided to stop cheering for the
Cubs. Instead, I’ve dedicated myself not to the love of the Cubs, but to a hatred of all things Sox. I’m not proud of it, but it’s an emotion to cling to that far betters the depression that inevitably comes from watching a Cubs game.Instead, I choose to hate the Sox. I hate the White Sox. I hate the Red Sox. I now only wear sandals, regardless of the weather, in order to avoid wearing socks.
I tell you about this unhealthy hatred and my socially unacceptable choices in fashion only to illustrate that I never, ever, ever like or agree with anything the Sox do.
That said, I must admit against my better judgment that I agree with Ozzie Guillen.
A number of teams have been throwing at Sox players, mostly because they deserve it. Ozzie Guillen is old school and, thus, calls for retaliation. The Sox players have not responded to the liking of their extremely-illiterate coach. In fact, it is rumored that they have instead invited the opposing players to a sit down dinner to “talk about their problems,� followed by a ceremonial “smoking of the peace pipe.� That hippie Brian Anderson thinks he raise his average by upping his toxicology level. No one has the heart to tell him otherwise.
This infuriates Ozzie for two reasons. One – he’s Venezuelan, not American Indian. In Venezuelan culture, smoking a peace pipe symbolizes cowardly surrender. Also, “no� means “yes� and a “murderer� is a person who frowns a lot. Two – he said retaliate, damn it.
Well, he said it, but he didn’t say it, you know what I’m saying?
In a game last week in which Texas douche-hurler Vincente Padilla threw at one of The Champs, Ozzie put in some scrub minor league pitcher (Sean Tracey) to throw at the Rangers. This, of course, is brilliant.
Why get a player you could actually use tossed from the game and possibly suspended? Why did I wear my finest blouse to the 25 cent wing and 50 cent Moonshine night at Skull Tickler’s Tavern last week? I’ve long said that NBA teams should use that 12th roster spot for Brian Urlacher in order to take care of the opposing Shaqs or Kobes. Oh, Mr. Urlacher, you were thrown out of the game for breaking both of Mr. Bryant’s knees? Oh well, we better put someone in who can actually play basketball. No more Kobe. All problems solved.
Ozzie did this. The problem is that the scrub didn’t hit the Texas batte
r. He struck him out. Ozzie, then, did the right thing and immediately sent him back to the minors forever. One batter, one strike out, and a life sentence playing for the Noblesville Love Chickens.A few games later, the opposing team threw at A.J. Pierzenski, mostly because he makes grandmothers want to strangle their pets, mothers suffocate their newborns, and boyfriends deceptively impregnate their girlfriends. Ozzie wanted A.J. to charge the mound, but A.J. just looked at the pitcher, gave the “we’ll talk about this over a super dank Mexcalita Silver peace pipe� sign, and took his base. Ozzie was furious. Come on A.J., you’re supposed to be a tough guy. You were the one who claimed on national television that it didn’t hurt when one of the strongest catchers in the league punched you in your receding jawline. I suspect you went to the locker room to cry before and after that interview. Charge the mound, you pansy. Or would that make the backrub you were going to give him later a little too awkward?
And then, when the smoke had finally settled from the sox inner-squad bean-ball quandary, Ozzie dropped the F-bomb on Chicago’s foremost sports journalist. No, not just “fuck.� He straight up called him a “fucking fag.� And then he said it means something different in his culture. Isn’t it a borrowed English word to any Spanish speaker, meaning it means whatever it does in the language of its origin? So he was either saying that Jay Mariotti was a “fucking cigarette� (British translation), or a “fucking derogatory name for a homosexual� (accurate translation). Goddamn, I wish my girlfriend bought bullshit that stinky. But anyway Oz, talk about all-time-things-everyone-wants-to-call-that-guy-but-don’t-have-the-lack-of-couth-and-sensitivity-or-batshit-insanity-to-dare EVER. So in that regard, once again, way to go Ozzie.
In conclusion (notice the perfect five-paragraph form) I agree with Ozzie. Get out there and mix it up. Play old school baseball, also known as “watchable baseball�. If you’re too frail to get in there and cause some ruckus, and too apathetic to care about the game you are playing, then cross the gentrification lines and play for my Cubbies.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
12:00 AM
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