CZECHED IN THE BALLS

By Ryan O’Donnell, rodonnell08@amherst.edu

Czeched in the balls. That's about how I felt this afternoon when after four years of preparation, my team was utterly DEMOLISHED by a bigger, faster, better Czech side 3-0. It was the biggest beat down of the tournament so far, and furthermore, illustrated everything USA Soccer didn’t want to occur.

Think about the past four years for USA Soccer:

• An incredible Quarterfinal appearance in Korea leads to 2 more MLS franchises and 3 new soccer only stadiums
• Damarcus Beasely is signed by PSV Einhoven and plays in Champions League- Leads US to Win the Gold Cup
• Finish first in CONCACAF Qaulifying highlighted by a 2-0 win over Mexico
• Up to 5th in the FIFA World Rankings.

Furthermore, the games were going to be broadcast live and people were actually talking about the World Cup. There were less naysayers and more excited sports analysts about this tournament than ever before, and we all seemed to assume that the US would deliver. Instead, they looked like Ari Gould in his new office without any cash: mediocre and outworked. The USA loss was one of the worst in my entire sports history, and I mean that. There I was, in a crowded sports bar with my dad, uncle, high school soccer coach, and some riends with every TV displaying the game and five minutes in, some 6'8" giant smashes home a header and I feel like Tom Tupa just punted me in the groin. Just to make sure I didn't regain any hope, Reyna blasts a shot that dings the post and suddenly I'm feeling like that kid with massive diarrhea while giving a class presentation.

Needless to say, my afternoon was ruined.To compound my pain, I drove back to work where I lumbered over to my cubicle with my head hung low to find a slew of COGNOS and Win Risk reports waiting for me. Don’t worry about exactly what they are, but I’m sure you have something similar at your place of employment, and I’m sure they are frustrating enough to make you want to punch a prematurely born infant. Right then I realized what being a Royals fan must feel like at the start of each spring training. Seriously, what did I have to look forward to for the rest of The Cup?

This was my team. I saw three Qaulifiers live, watched every other game on TV and went to a pair of Gold Cup matches last summer. I had been following this team more closely than Cruella Deville follows Dalmatians or a middle-aged housewife follows General Hospital. Things were bad, “Britney Spears� bad. I began playing out potential results in my head like "well if we beat Italy and Ghana does this," but it was all in vain. The USA is royally screwed if they don't win their next two, and even then, the minus-three goal differential might be their undoing.

To all of you soccer haters, this was probably a bright day. Kind of like when a feminist vegetarian gets to see a misogynistic meat-eater acquire mad cow disease or when atheists see The Da Vinci Code. There's a lot of reason to laugh at those who breathe with Uncle Sam's Army, and believe me, I don't fault you. This was easily one of the most embarrassing losses for an American team, and unlike Olympic USA Basketball, this is our most important event. Big time hoops fans have multiple teams to cheer on from college to the pros and don't even really care about the Olympic team all that much. But sports purists recognize that competition is at its greatest when it pits country against country in the ultimate sporting event. The NBA, NFL, and other leagues are great, but is it really the World Championship they are competing for? Absolutely not.

The World Champion is only crowned in a few major sports, one of which is soccer. There is no World Champion that arises from basketball, only an Olympic Champion. If that doesn’t make any sense to you, shove it, and then let me know why. This is obviously similar to other sports that fail to have a definite “World Champion.� Baseball is on the right track, but let's be honest, about 7 countries really care about baseball, as Freddy Garcia has gotten the rest of them too high to care. Soccer is the epitome of world competition and watching the US get there diapers changed by the Czech's was disgusting.