THE DEVIL WEARS PINSTRIPES
Laura Onstot, l-onstot@northwestern.edu
My baseball allegiance has been wishy-washy lately. I swung from being an avid Mariners fan to someone ready to give up on the sport altogether and follow curling. And while my schizophrenia remains unresolved, one thing has remained constant. I hate the Yankees.
For years I rooted for two teams, the Mariners, and whoever was playing the Yankees. I can even find it in my heart to cheer with abandon for the White Sox, bitter rivals of my team du jour, the Cubs, when they play the Yankees.
As I watched replays of another tragic Yankees/Boston series I remembered how much fu
n it is to really hate that team.
“But why?� I asked myself. “Why do I hate you with such passion?�
Inspired by watching yet another not funny David Letterman show, I decided a top-ten list was in order, because we must never forget how much they deserve to be hated.
10: The Number 26. That’s how many times the Yankees won the World Series between 1903 and 2005. Such a feat is only possible when a deal with the devil has been signed in blood. Just like sleeping with Vince Chase. Not Adrian Grenier, cause he’s a shitty actor who’s only popular now because he plays a popular actor on a television show that requires minimal acting. Just Vincent Chase.
9: John From the Summer of 2002. John was in a summer philosophy seminar I took at Notre Dame. John believed birth control was sinful, and the Yankees were the greatest team to play the game of baseball. That was reason enough for me.
8. Babe Ruth. Ruth couldn’t run and struck out more often than not. It wasn’t steroids then, but he just got really fat and got a lot of momentum behind his swings. Ruth was the beginning of the en
d of athleticism in baseball. We didn’t want talent then, we don’t want it now. We just want footage of people diving into San Francisco bay after homeruns.
7. Black and White Pinstripes. Remember how everything on the Death Star is black and white. A lack of color indicates evil. Those uniforms are not a coincidence.
6. The Brooklyn Dodgers. My uncle was a huge fan during his childhood and spoke about the team so often I was ten before I knew they moved to Los Angeles and Jackie Robinson had died. My uncle was a man of the people; The Yankees are the team of elitist misogynists like John.
5. Team Nickname: Yanks. Anyone who goes by a moniker doubling
as a reference to masturbation should not be trusted. Like that Phi Omega Theta jerk. Remember him? Of course you do, he put roofies in your best friend’s drink at the toga party and then called his friend Reade for a romp in the john with your passed out clown’s pocket.
4. Alex Rodriguez. I saw him play as a rookie on the mariners. May you rot in hell traitor.
3. $198,662,180. The Yankees’ 2006 payroll. It’s $78 million higher than the next highest paid out by the Boston Red Sox. See earlier reference to deals with the devil signed in blood.
2. The year 2001. The year the Yankees turned my Mariners record-breaking season into a sports almanac footnote. I will never forgive you. Oh yeah, and Hal skeeved me out.
1. George Steinbrenner. He bought the Yankees for $10 million in 1973. He wears white suits. He can’t hold onto a coach. He probably hires little people to serve as footstools in his mansion. Steinbrenner is the Anti-Christ. You mark my words, when Armageddon hits, we’ll discover the devil and he will be wearing pinstripes.
My baseball allegiance has been wishy-washy lately. I swung from being an avid Mariners fan to someone ready to give up on the sport altogether and follow curling. And while my schizophrenia remains unresolved, one thing has remained constant. I hate the Yankees.
For years I rooted for two teams, the Mariners, and whoever was playing the Yankees. I can even find it in my heart to cheer with abandon for the White Sox, bitter rivals of my team du jour, the Cubs, when they play the Yankees.
As I watched replays of another tragic Yankees/Boston series I remembered how much fu
n it is to really hate that team.“But why?� I asked myself. “Why do I hate you with such passion?�
Inspired by watching yet another not funny David Letterman show, I decided a top-ten list was in order, because we must never forget how much they deserve to be hated.
10: The Number 26. That’s how many times the Yankees won the World Series between 1903 and 2005. Such a feat is only possible when a deal with the devil has been signed in blood. Just like sleeping with Vince Chase. Not Adrian Grenier, cause he’s a shitty actor who’s only popular now because he plays a popular actor on a television show that requires minimal acting. Just Vincent Chase.
9: John From the Summer of 2002. John was in a summer philosophy seminar I took at Notre Dame. John believed birth control was sinful, and the Yankees were the greatest team to play the game of baseball. That was reason enough for me.
8. Babe Ruth. Ruth couldn’t run and struck out more often than not. It wasn’t steroids then, but he just got really fat and got a lot of momentum behind his swings. Ruth was the beginning of the en
d of athleticism in baseball. We didn’t want talent then, we don’t want it now. We just want footage of people diving into San Francisco bay after homeruns.7. Black and White Pinstripes. Remember how everything on the Death Star is black and white. A lack of color indicates evil. Those uniforms are not a coincidence.
6. The Brooklyn Dodgers. My uncle was a huge fan during his childhood and spoke about the team so often I was ten before I knew they moved to Los Angeles and Jackie Robinson had died. My uncle was a man of the people; The Yankees are the team of elitist misogynists like John.
5. Team Nickname: Yanks. Anyone who goes by a moniker doubling
as a reference to masturbation should not be trusted. Like that Phi Omega Theta jerk. Remember him? Of course you do, he put roofies in your best friend’s drink at the toga party and then called his friend Reade for a romp in the john with your passed out clown’s pocket.4. Alex Rodriguez. I saw him play as a rookie on the mariners. May you rot in hell traitor.
3. $198,662,180. The Yankees’ 2006 payroll. It’s $78 million higher than the next highest paid out by the Boston Red Sox. See earlier reference to deals with the devil signed in blood.
2. The year 2001. The year the Yankees turned my Mariners record-breaking season into a sports almanac footnote. I will never forgive you. Oh yeah, and Hal skeeved me out.1. George Steinbrenner. He bought the Yankees for $10 million in 1973. He wears white suits. He can’t hold onto a coach. He probably hires little people to serve as footstools in his mansion. Steinbrenner is the Anti-Christ. You mark my words, when Armageddon hits, we’ll discover the devil and he will be wearing pinstripes.
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