GET WELL BIG BEN

"Wah wah wah, our Wednesday featured columnist, Ross Frank DiMarco III, is a little hung up on his pansy quarterback getting an owie! Pussy. Wear a helmet, then we’ll talk. So we let him write today and continue his vacation from ruthlessly pitting papas against each other in a battle of wits and whips. Read his article and post a comment, cause Saucy Rossy is sad. Maybe I’ll read it to. But probably not.� – Rival Room Editor

By Ross Frank DiMarco III, rfdimar@pointpark.edu

Most of you (all 3 or 4) were probably looking forward this week to another edge of your seat death fight between two fathers. However, due to certain events that took place on Monday in Pittsburgh, I will not be writing about a meaningless fake fight. Instead, I must write about an issue near and dear to my heart: The Pittsburgh Steelers.

As most of you probably don’t know, I work as a part-time currency handler at a local financial institute in Pittsburgh as I try and receive my graduate degree (or a “teller� if you want to be a dick about). The highlight of my day is reading about the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers and tracking their day-to-day business acquisitions. However, at 11:55 a.m. on Monday, July 12th, I received one of the most horrific phone calls from my mother.

As soon as I answered my cell phone, a huge no-no at the workplace, I could sense a bit of concern in her voice.

“Did you hear,� she asked.

“Hear what,� I responded.

“Big Ben got into a motorcycle accident,� she exclaimed.

I instantly felt sick to my stomach. At that moment in time, the local TV news outlets were simply reporting that Ben’s motorcycle was involved in an accident; a simple tease to all viewers. They had the audacity to say that perhaps he loaned his bike to a friend and that Ben was safe and sound taping the next annoying Chunky Campbell’s Soup commercial.

But we all knew the truth – Ben was riding that bike and not wearing a helmet.

Soon enough, reports poured in about the details of the accident. It was Roethlisberger and, as predicted, he wasn’t wearing a helmet. He was in serious, but stable condition, and rushed to Mercy Hospital where he was immediately sent to the operating room for emergency surgery.

A couple of thoughts swarmed through my mind as soon as I received more details. I had a suspicion that it was probably a woman that caused the accident, and of course, my suspicion was confirmed. But it wasn’t a local Pittsburgh woman, or at least her license plate wasn’t from Pennsylvania. In fact, the woman had Maine plates, and one name instantly ran through my mind – Tom Brady.

Conspiracy theories immediately became the topic of conversation between my friends and I.

Tom Brady is jealous of the Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl victory. One could see the pain and agony on his face when he flipped the coin at the Super Bowl. Brady felt he deserved to be there playing for his fourth Super Bowl title. He believed the Denver Broncos robbed him of yet another Super Bowl MVP. That is when, I believe, he began to map out his plan to rid the NFL of Ben Roethlisberger.

I believed that Brady hired this Maine woman to crash her vehicle into him while he was riding his motorcycle. I also believed that he told her to make sure that he wasn’t wearing his helmet.

Nevertheless, as we sat and talked some more, my friend, Ryan, told me that the theory was absurd. Brady had nothing to do with it, he said. Carson Palmer was the root of all this evil.

I’m not going to lie to you…it seemed to make sense. If any of you read the article in Sports Illustrated about how Carson Palmer cried after the Bengals’ loss in the AFC Divisional Playoff game, you would know that he loathes the Steelers. The Steelers ended Palmer’s season on one of the first plays of the game and he hasn’t forgiven them since.

(If you don’t recall what happened, Kimo von Oelhoffen accidentally rolled onto Palmer’s knee, sending him into a deep depression that will last his entire lifetime)

As soon as the Bengals lost the game, Ryan said, Palmer set his plan into action. He wanted the Steelers to win the Super Bowl so it would only hurt the city even more when the female Jeff Gillooly sent Ben to the hospital. He made sure his name wouldn’t even come up by making sure the woman with the car had a Maine license plate. A nice middle finger salute to the city that ended his team’s Super Bowl hopes.

As I said before, it made complete sense. Until, that is, I came to my senses and realized the possibility that maybe Brady or Palmer didn’t send in the hit. It also could have been another NFL player - Nick Harper.

“Who’s Nick Harper?� you ask.

He was the Indianapolis Colts player that Ben tackled after Jerome Bettis fumbled to save the Steelers from losing the playoff game that took them to the AFC Championship. He was also recently stabbed by his wife. Just like my parents do during sex and Christmas dinner.

Harper used the same technique and theory that I believe Palmer might have used. He made sure the license plate was as far away from Indianapolis as possible so his name would be cleared of any suspicion. Nevertheless, I used my overcompensating good eye to spot his plan.

I doubt any of these theories will be uncovered, but I guarantee you one of them is true. Brady, Palmer, or Harper…take your pick. My bet is on Harper, with a little help from Peyton Manning.

Nevertheless, at the time of writing this article, Roethlisberger lies in the hospital and the city of Pittsburgh is probably praying to whatever God they worship for his well-being. We, as fans of the NFL, may never see what potential this young quarterback had to offer the world.

Get well, Big Ben.