ITALY SUCKS!

by Ryan O'Donnell, rodonnell08@amherst.edu

As I prepared for a wonderful weekend of sports between the NBA Finals, more World Cup, and the U.S. Open, I never imagined seeing all three end so wildly. 3 red cards, a stupid time-out, a meltdown on 18- Father's Day weekend had it all. Not since I lost my virginity had my dad been so surprised at the way things played out.

Consider this:

• The NBA Coach of the year pulls the ultimate time MISmanagement crisis of the playoffs
• The hottest player in golf, Mickelson aka F.I.G.J.A.M (Fuck I'm Good Just Ask Me) crumbles
• Some Jackass from Uruguay ruins the U.S. - Italy match

But that doesn't mean there weren't any remarkable performances:

• D-Wade was Aquaman's opening weekend good (Watch Entourage if you don't get that)
• Ghana pulls a Buster Douglas type upset over the Czechs
• The Nationals come-back from 9-2 and 3-2 for victories over the spankees
• (The real Sox are in first place again with a nice little 10-7 comeback of their own)

But back to soccer because that was quite possibly one of the ugliest, weirdest, craziest games in World Cup history and certainly in U.S. soccer history. The referee started tossing players out like Ben Stiller with candy Bars at Fat Camp. As if the greasy appearances of Toni, Totti, and Gattuso weren't distgusting enough, I had to sit through a Screech Powers like disaster of a match by the referee as my team's tournament hopes dangled on a string. It took a Mel Gibson in Braveheart like performance to salvage a tie, (And a Chris Webber-like gaff with the own-goal) to salvage a point and open the U.S. Round of 16 doors once again.

After De Rossi threw the dirtiest elbow of the competition thus far, Uncle Sam's Army found themselves level at 1-1 and a man up so quickly that I think I may have went through another stage of puberty. (Or my first stage) As the U.S. began to apply steady pressure on Italy's net, I couldn't help but sport a Jack Nicholsonesque sketch-ball smile believing that my team might have a shot to upset the entire cast of characters who played the Greasers in "The Outsiders." But Pony-Boy and company had other things in mind like threatening to stop meatball sales to the entire Uruguayan nation if the ref didn't start evening things up, and even them up he did flashing a red card to Pablo Mastroeni for a tackle you commonly find in a Girls JV game. At halftime, Sonny, Michael, and don Corleone made a stop in the referee dressing room threatening "very bad tinggs iffa jew don't make a dis game a win for Italy." The refs delivered on the threat throwing Eddie Pope out a minute into the second half and taking back a Beasely goal on a very close offsides play.

Luckily the U.S. countered all of this bull shit with timely runs and some tremendous goal keeping and have something to play for Thursday morning. If they win, I may just crap my pants and not care.