KEEPIN' FIT WITH RONNY J

by Ronald Jickstoom

"Ronny J is our buddy's father. He used to play basketball for the University of Detroit-Mercy. He throws these great parties every time they earn the right to lose in the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament. Now his daughter plays for them too. Who are we to ignore his expertise?"-Rival Room Editors

You may be wondering where I have been for the past couple weeks or what I have been up to. Get out of my face you nag. As expecting, I have been wallowing in agony, reflecting on the loss of my beloved Detroit Pistons. I've also been at youth camp coaching small boys in the ways of manhood.

This past week has been quite busy. As camp coach, I am required to mentor the youth, instruct them on the proper way to shoot a jump shot and for last several days, grope at their dangle-pouch as part of their pre-camp physical examinations.

Life has been good...at some point in the past I'm sure. But, this year in Detroit sports has fallen short of expectation like my son's athletic career. The Red Wings lost in the first round of the playoffs, the Pistons in the third and now the Tigers are crapping the bed against opponents of any merit.

Right now its the Sox. Pick it up you f*cks. A good record against shitty opponents does nothing but get my expectations up. Its like sleeping in the same bed as my wife and not getting any poontag (or even a twiddle of the under-beav) and its definitely something this weary sports fan cannot handle.

So let's pick things up, eh boys? You are already very ugly people, you don't need to make things worse by being ugly losers. Especially that corn-fed Mormon douche carriage Chris Shelton. If you weren't somehow playing professional ball, you would be plowing fields, harvesting grain and marrying multiple, fat-assed wives.