LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: CUBS FANS v. SOX FANS

By Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

You know that you have a great rivalry on your hands when you can stereotype and generalize a person's entire personality just by knowing which hometown professional baseball team they cheer for. Being a Cubs fan that hates most Cubs fans, and growing up in a family that likes the White Sox more than puppy dogs and fire crackers, I feel as if I am a beautifully credible source to opine on the countless terrible traits of both sides' followers.


FANS OF THE CUBBIES
Alright, I realize that making fun of a fanbase that accepts the label of Lovable Losers is not exactly that hardest thing in the world to do. There has not been a target this easy since the kid who picked his nose in grade school or a member of the marching band at a non-African American dominated school (thanks to Nick Cannon's epic film, Drumline).

Last year I was at a Cubs vs. Houston that could not have been any worse for a real Cub fan to watch. The only highlight of this pathetic game was when rookie Matt Murton took a hard slide into second base, breaking up a routine double play.

At any baseball stadium across the country, Matt Murton's play would have been applauded by the fans, or at least the fans sitting in the section behind the Cubs' dugout. I was sitting in this section, and as Murton began to hustle into the dugout after the play, I realized I was one of maybe three people applauding his effort. This is because Cubs fans know about as much about baseball as Jews know about a pulled pork sandwich.

Watching Wrigley Field cheer-on the Cubs is like watching a room full of dyslexic kids cheer-on a spelling bee. Only Cubs fans would sell-out Wrigley Field everyday, paying the second highest ticket prices in all of MLB, to watch arguably the worst team in baseball h.

Cubs fans always try to talk about a jinx or a curse. To have a jinx you have to be a consistent winner. Now don't go checking dictionary.com on my definition of a jinx, but nevertheless, the Cubs didn't lose in '03 because of Bartman. They lost in '03 because Alex Gonzalez let a routine groundball go through his legs, and Kerry Wood served up batting practice in game 7. To legitimately cry "jinx" or "curse," a team most go to the playoffs consistently, and then consistently have bad shit happen. Showing up once every decade doesn't count. Not letting a goat into the stadium in 1945 doesn't explain only making the playoffs 4 times in the next 60 years.

The Bleacher Bums: I feel that this never-dying faction of ass-factory Cubs fans merits further explanation. This is the group of people who sit in the bleachers along the outfield ivy. They are referred to as the Bleacher Bums because they take off their shirts, drink a lot, and can altogether fuckin' party. Does anybody else see the contradiction in a group of rich yuppie guys paying over $100 a ticket and $6 a beer calling themselves "bums?" This holds as much water as a gaggle of rich white kids shopping at a thrift store, and then pulling away in their brand new BMW while bragging about the 'wicked Member's Only' blouses they scored. There are toddlers right now playing "house" who have more credibility as sexually-active adults then these guys do as "bums."

"Look, I have no shirt on, and I'm drunk! Get it! I'm a bum! Sammy, hit me a homer!"


FANS OF THE WHITE SOX: I would stereotype White Sox fans as "white trash" or just plain "trashy," but that would be as obvious as deeming a prostitute "slutty." In the last couple of years, White Sox fans have attacked an umpire, and most notably, a father-son combination attacked the Royals first base coach, Tom Gamboa. This stunt set back the reputation of the White Sox fanbase about as far as if the Germans came out wearing Swastika-adorned jerseys during the 2008 Olympics. I don't care what Hallmark says; there is no better way to show your son that you love him than by teaching him how to commit a felony in front of 20,000 people. My dad didn't even let me have a pocket knife. This kid's dad showed him how to use a pocket knife on a professional baseball coach. Lucky!

The White Sox fanbase continues to be perpetually unhappy. They just won The World Series, and again have a shot at postseason play. Nevertheless, they still spend most of their time hating the Cubs. Instead of celebrating their World Series victory or their promising team, they use it as fuel to their shit-talking fire aimed directly at the Cubs and their equally pathetic fans.

The White Sox are the neglected little brother who is jealous that their mom (the city of Chicago) loves the Cubs more. And instead of enjoying their accomplishments, they whine to their mommy, whimpering, "see I am better than the Cubbies!" I have come to realize over the years that my oddly irate father is not alone in how he cheers for baseball, but is in fact joined by most White Sox fans. He truly gets more joy out of the Cubs' failures than the White Sox's successes.

This whole trashy/angry vibe that embodies the White Sox and their fans plays perfectly into their self-proclaimed blue-collar image. And don't worry, the White Sox marketing department is wholly on board with this vision. What the f#ck does "blue collar" even mean? "Of or relating to wage earners, especially as a class, whose jobs are performed in work clothes and often involve manual labor," that's what. Do White Sox players get jobs in the plumber's union during their winters off? I guess the Royals or Marlins could claim to be blue collar, but can the team with the 4th highest payroll in baseball (10 million more then the "yuppie northsiders" in '06) really legitimately make this claim? This is like a white kid from Minnesota wearing a Sean John shirt and freestyling about life on the streets. If White Sox fan parents want to abide by their team's level of delusion, they can brag about how their child in the Boy/Girl Scouts is protecting the world from terrorists.

Now that I've filled your day with a plethora of negativity, you can more accurately sit back and enjoy Opening Weekend while judging absolutely everybody you see attending the games on TV. And if you disagree with me, scalp a ticket and go to the game. Because I can guarantee you will see at least one Cubs fan with no shirt on and a Rolex screaming for the long-departed Sosa to hit a homerun, and at least one White Sox fan hitting his girlfriend, or bitching about the Cubs despite the Sox leading the game 12-1.