PARIS HILTON DATING GUIDE
By Ted Walker, tedwalker25@gmail.com
Paris Hilton, Here, Finally, Is Help.
Hey Paris, I know that times are tough for ya. I also know that you are a Hall of Fame jersey chaser. Given those two undeniable facts, I’ve decided to offer you some semi-professional help. Love help, that is. Matt Leinart, Jose Theodore (great name, Theodore), Brian Urlacher, Andy Roddick, Oscar De La Hoya, and the list goes on, and on, and on. They’re all wrong, Paris, all wrong. So, given that you likuh-da-athletes, I’ve decided you to offer up the advice that I’m roundly positive that you are looking for. That is, I’m gonna give you a list of jocks that will curl up with you on the Chihuahua-skin rug, rub your claws feet, and give you some long-term, healthy lovin’. Fortunately for us both you’re a regular reader of the Rival Room, ‘cause I seem to have lost your Blackberry number. But anyhow, sit right down like you’re a dysfunctional housewife, and I’ll sit right down like I’m good ol’ Doc Phil, and I’ll present you with options for some athletic courtship that will really hold water:
[Full disclosure: since the Rival Room has lately committed the A-Rod’s share of their researching resources to procuring Brangelina’s baby shower photos and scraping up dirt on Jay Mariotti, my own research did not extend into determining the current marital status of these suggestions. Not that you care much, I’m sure.]
Scott Podsednik, LF, Chicago White Sox: This is a conservative choice, but we’re just getting warmed up here. Pods has got the mug of a fashion model, he’s only quick on the basepaths (I’ve heard!), and he’ll challenge any Greek millionaire’s son-in-law’s brother for finger-bling, especially if you wait ‘til after next October to “get on with it.�
Rudy Gay, 1st Round Draft Pick, Memphis Grizzlies: Great athleticism, first round bonus money, could be a great player—c’mon, no, it’s just his name! He’s not really—Paris, you are so dumb. Anywaayyy...
Jerome Bettis, RB (ret.), Pittsburgh Steelers: The future Hall of Famer, now retired, has got the time to devote to a flowering relationship, and he’s really great in those Man-Rule thingies. For that matter, I wouldn’t turn down a spin around the racetrack with old Burt “Stroker Ace� Reynolds either, if you’re into the whole silver-toupee bit. That might be more of a “fling� suggestion. I bet Reynolds can really bring it.
Ozzie Guillen, manager, Chicago White Sox: Two words: dirty talk.
Dustin “Screech Powers� Diamond, “actor�, Saved By the Bell: I know, Paris, you’re not like: “Oh yeah, Screech, h
e’s an athlete.� I will remind you, however, that the Screech-man almost battled Ninick in an epic wrestling match during Season 3. And he would’ve wrestled, too, if that meddling A.C. Slater hadn’t had a last minute change of heart. Point is, Screech looked awful good in that uni-suit, and I hear that ear guards are next season’s man-capris. If his brief wrestling career doesn’t do it for you, don’t forget that Screech ain’t exactly coming to bat without…well, without a bat. A big bat.
Greg Biffle, NASCAR driver: I’m not really sure who this guy is, but NASCAR is huge. Deal with it.
Ben Roethlisberger, Quarterback, Pittsburgh Steelers: Here now, you talk about one of the up-and-coming young athletes in the country, this guy won a SuperBowl, he seems like a great person, and I’m sure they don’t call him “Big Ben� for noth—say what? He…really? His face? Whoa. Okay, wow. You know what, let’s scratch that one.
Mike Commodore, D, Carolina Hurricanes: So you’ve done the hockey player thing, I know, but the playoffs are over now, so beard-burn shouldn’t be an issue anymore, and—huh? No, those are, uh, those are hockey pads. For protection. Yes, I’m sure he’s pretty muscular underneath the pads. Well, no, I don’t think he would want to wear them out to the clubs. Alright then, how about a Barry Bonds? Jason Grimsley?
Jonah “Ticklebass� Ansell, RivalRoom Editor: Here’s a good looking guy, outgoing, likes to have a good time, and get this: he’s a bona-fide NCAA athlete! A pitcher, y’know, like Phil Niekro or Jeff Samardzija. You could look it up. Listen, I say just give him a chance, move away from the high profile celebs for a bit, and—no, no I don’t have Jeff Samardzija’s number. Sorry.
Paris Hilton, Here, Finally, Is Help.
Hey Paris, I know that times are tough for ya. I also know that you are a Hall of Fame jersey chaser. Given those two undeniable facts, I’ve decided to offer you some semi-professional help. Love help, that is. Matt Leinart, Jose Theodore (great name, Theodore), Brian Urlacher, Andy Roddick, Oscar De La Hoya, and the list goes on, and on, and on. They’re all wrong, Paris, all wrong. So, given that you likuh-da-athletes, I’ve decided you to offer up the advice that I’m roundly positive that you are looking for. That is, I’m gonna give you a list of jocks that will curl up with you on the Chihuahua-skin rug, rub your claws feet, and give you some long-term, healthy lovin’. Fortunately for us both you’re a regular reader of the Rival Room, ‘cause I seem to have lost your Blackberry number. But anyhow, sit right down like you’re a dysfunctional housewife, and I’ll sit right down like I’m good ol’ Doc Phil, and I’ll present you with options for some athletic courtship that will really hold water:
[Full disclosure: since the Rival Room has lately committed the A-Rod’s share of their researching resources to procuring Brangelina’s baby shower photos and scraping up dirt on Jay Mariotti, my own research did not extend into determining the current marital status of these suggestions. Not that you care much, I’m sure.]
Scott Podsednik, LF, Chicago White Sox: This is a conservative choice, but we’re just getting warmed up here. Pods has got the mug of a fashion model, he’s only quick on the basepaths (I’ve heard!), and he’ll challenge any Greek millionaire’s son-in-law’s brother for finger-bling, especially if you wait ‘til after next October to “get on with it.�
Rudy Gay, 1st Round Draft Pick, Memphis Grizzlies: Great athleticism, first round bonus money, could be a great player—c’mon, no, it’s just his name! He’s not really—Paris, you are so dumb. Anywaayyy...
Jerome Bettis, RB (ret.), Pittsburgh Steelers: The future Hall of Famer, now retired, has got the time to devote to a flowering relationship, and he’s really great in those Man-Rule thingies. For that matter, I wouldn’t turn down a spin around the racetrack with old Burt “Stroker Ace� Reynolds either, if you’re into the whole silver-toupee bit. That might be more of a “fling� suggestion. I bet Reynolds can really bring it.
Ozzie Guillen, manager, Chicago White Sox: Two words: dirty talk.
Dustin “Screech Powers� Diamond, “actor�, Saved By the Bell: I know, Paris, you’re not like: “Oh yeah, Screech, h
e’s an athlete.� I will remind you, however, that the Screech-man almost battled Ninick in an epic wrestling match during Season 3. And he would’ve wrestled, too, if that meddling A.C. Slater hadn’t had a last minute change of heart. Point is, Screech looked awful good in that uni-suit, and I hear that ear guards are next season’s man-capris. If his brief wrestling career doesn’t do it for you, don’t forget that Screech ain’t exactly coming to bat without…well, without a bat. A big bat. Greg Biffle, NASCAR driver: I’m not really sure who this guy is, but NASCAR is huge. Deal with it.
Ben Roethlisberger, Quarterback, Pittsburgh Steelers: Here now, you talk about one of the up-and-coming young athletes in the country, this guy won a SuperBowl, he seems like a great person, and I’m sure they don’t call him “Big Ben� for noth—say what? He…really? His face? Whoa. Okay, wow. You know what, let’s scratch that one.
Mike Commodore, D, Carolina Hurricanes: So you’ve done the hockey player thing, I know, but the playoffs are over now, so beard-burn shouldn’t be an issue anymore, and—huh? No, those are, uh, those are hockey pads. For protection. Yes, I’m sure he’s pretty muscular underneath the pads. Well, no, I don’t think he would want to wear them out to the clubs. Alright then, how about a Barry Bonds? Jason Grimsley?
Jonah “Ticklebass� Ansell, RivalRoom Editor: Here’s a good looking guy, outgoing, likes to have a good time, and get this: he’s a bona-fide NCAA athlete! A pitcher, y’know, like Phil Niekro or Jeff Samardzija. You could look it up. Listen, I say just give him a chance, move away from the high profile celebs for a bit, and—no, no I don’t have Jeff Samardzija’s number. Sorry.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
12:03 AM
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