SATAN'S ARMY OF SPORT

By III, wald66@hotmail.com

In the spirit of the Rival Room’s darkest side, I’ve decided on this harrowed eve to leer into the abyss of sin that exists in our depraved universe. Many humans that walk our earth are not mere recreations of God’s likeness, but instead spawn of Satan himself, placed here to battle the will of the good. Many of those mortals exert their extra vigor in the realm of sport. I present to you these spawn…….


Michelle Wie – Satan’s Apprentice

At first glance, Wie might strike the average person as being your basic, everyday Asian teenager, ready to take over the golfing world one mathematically derived swing at a time. Look a little closer and do a little more research and you will find what I already know. Wie was sent up to Earth from the depths of hell for one purpose: to make people hate Mother Nature.

For those that have no idea what I’m talking about, allow me to shed some light on the darkness that is Michelle Wie. Forget the fact that she is a 6’+ Asian woman, which would otherwise raise understandable doubt in her earthliness. One must look no further than her post-match interviews. When her approach shot is sent barreling into the sand trap, she berates and tarnishes the image of the beautiful Mrs. Nature. “Well, I hit it perfectly, and all of a sudden, an enormous gust of wind came bursting through and sent my ball into the sand.� When her putt slides by the side of the cup, the taunting continues. “I hit it exactly how I wanted to, which was perfectly, and somehow, the grass just didn’t lead the ball into the hole.�

I, a longtime adorer of Mrs. Nature’s work, am appalled at Wie’s disdain for the person responsible for The Seven Wonders of the World. What has Wie done that gives her the audacity to harass Mother Nature, besides failing to make the cut at a men’s event? I think she needs to set her sights a little lower first – like Annika Sorenstam.



Randy Johnson – Satan’s Right Hand…er, Left Hand, Man

Now this one is on sheer looks alone. Randy seems like a nice enough guy. He hasn’t done or said anything that would make me believe he is possessed. But then again, he doesn’t have to. Oh wait, didn’t he punch a camera man on his first day in New York? But who hasn’t? Best described as looking like Freddy Krueger with a mullet, Randy is in contention for ugliest athlete of all time. Something so hideous could only have been constructed by The Prince of Darkness himself. Maybe that’s the problem. The Devil didn’t have enough light when he was putting together Randy’s physical features. He got the frame alright. He’s a tall and lanky dude with long arms, a perfect structure for delivering high velocity fastballs and wicked sinkers.

But that face? My God, that face. It’s not fit for man nor beast, and surely not gallant enough for pinstripes. How can Steinbrenner be so concerned about his guys having nice haircuts and being clean shaven, and then look past the fact that one of his players can melt people with his scowl?



Mike Krzyzewski - Lucifer

This was too easy to pinpoint. First of all, I don’t buy that shit he does with the Rosary Beads. That’s just a ploy to hide his true identity as Lucifer, Son of Satan. Notice he never shows emotion. Very rarely does he smile, and if he does, it is during Pontiac commercials. Have you ever seen a black Pontiac Bonneville? It is the most devious looking car you could imagine. The bright red lights on the back are shaped like snake eyes. No God-Fearing religious buff, which Coach K claims to be, would ever drive around in a Pontiac. God made Volkswagons for those people.

As if that is not enough, look deeper and you will notice that Coach K has allowed two actual Gargoyles to pass through his program in Carlos Boozer and Sheldon Williams. Take one glance at these two mugs and tell me there aren’t some evil animalistic features involved there.

For my last and final point, what type of good-natured coach FORCES his players to not only dominate in basketball, but also get an education? You can bet your ass there isn’t any of that nonsense going on in Tallahassee or Cincy. Just another façade this “beloved� coach puts on to try and mask his true identity.



Bill Buckner – Pawn of the Dark Side

Now, I don’t think Buckner was evil, I just think he was possessed for a short time. We all know that The Babe isn’t necessarily dining at the Pearly Gates, so one might flirt with the fact that the Great Bambino could have, shall we say, “taken over� Bill’s body for one crucial play in Red Sox history.

Now, you might make the argument, “If the Babe possessed Buckner in ‘86, why didn’t he take over, say, David Ortiz’s body in 2004?� The simple answer? The Yanks have Derek Jeter and A-Rod, and there was no way God was going to allow two homosexuals to win a World Series in the same year. That prejudice bastard.