COMEBACK ON THEIR FACE!

by Adam C. Briner, adamcbriner@yahoo.com

Ready yourself, mere mortals! Whatever Gods, Goddesses, Spirits, or Hollywood Directors you choose to hold in high moral and philosophical standing – pray to them. Get yourself a flaming sword – try your local pawnshops, where you can usually find a good deal – and prepare to do battle with the four horsemen. The apocalypse is upon us and its wrath is unrivaled.

Incidentally, stay tuned to Rivalfish.com for a very special and extra-hilarious apocalyptic issue. We are going to sacrifice a stem-cell colony and hold arm-wrestling matches with amputees. Don’ t worry, they’ll only be missing legs. We’re not cheaters.

So you don’t believe me? I’ve done you wrong, you say? You may cite my previous advice sessions as less than Nostradamus-like examples. Sure I said, “Buy Enron.� Sure I said, “Pick the Cubs!� – every year. Sure I said you should bet it all on Ivan Drago. And yes: Iraq, good “war practice� I thought! In and out in a week and a half!

My predictions may have been wrong in the past, but I’m not wrong about the apocalypse. This time it is more than a hunch. I have proof that the end of the world is coming:

Jose Canseco is Playing Professional Baseball, Again, on an every-day basis

The fact that they let him back into the game is verifiable proof that the entire world – but especially the baseball world – is completely upside down. How could they let this guy even purchase a bat, let alone swing one. As soon as they scanned any piece of equipment at the Dick’s Sporting Goods’ register, Bud Selig should have repelled in through the skylights with a S.W.A.T. team consisting of Mark McGwire, any living descendents of the Great Bambino, and all Yankees’ season ticket holders. They should have stopped the purchase using brutally physical force and tattooed Jose with “can’t play baseball� ink on his forehead.

This is the guy who is actively trying destroy baseball. That’s grounds for a lifetime ban, even if he did try to destroy it with The Truth. And, let’s not forget that he admitted to juicing. They’ve been trying to kick Barry Bonds out for months with no evidence (assuming you don’t include balls the size of Dan Raspatello’s mom’s as evidence). They have documented evidence (by Canseco himself, no less) that Josie loved to ‘roid up. No big deal, they still welcome him back.

Why not? Fewer people will hear about him in single-A ballparks than if he is doinking mostly drunk, mostly aged Supermodels on The Surreal Life. That’s why baseball would allow it. It’s actually less embarrassing than the alternative. The real question is: Why would Josie do it? More importantly, why wouldn’t he comeback as a knuckleball pitcher, if anything?

He probably thinks a comeback is appropriate. In fact, he probably thinks it’s a damn good idea. But then Josie never was quite right and that is why I have always been a fan. But let’s not tarnish an otherwise “perfect� (his words) career with this comeback. They are never a good idea. Here are ten examples:

1. Michael Jordan – Rumor has always been that Michael came back to prove that he could still play. Well, no one actually doubted that before his comeback anyways. All that his return (to the Wizards no less) did was prove to the kids on the playground that he was, in fact, mortal. Claims that he could beat up a hurricane immediately stopped.


2. Mike Ditka – Didn’t Coach come back with the New Orleans Saints? Did he honestly believe he could turn that tragedy around? If he had never come back, everyone would have continued to say that “only Mike Ditka could save the Saints.� His legend would have grown, not lessened. Also, rumors that he could beat up a hurricane stopped for him as well, when he didn’t – and one destroyed New Orleans.


3. Lionel Richie – He just put out his comeback CD, which is only slightly less cool than all his other uncool albums. Most parents would be happy to live off the money their daughters made from whorin’ around. Not Lionel. He thinks maybe he has one more masterpiece (Say You, Say Me II?) left.


4, 5, and 6. Motley Crue – Multiple numbers for multiple comebacks. I won’t say anything bad about the Crue for religious reasons, but you get the idea.

7. Pepsi Clear – Give it time, people…


8. Derek Lee – Now, technically, he never quit. He was injured. But he could have opted to wait a few more months (read: next season). His comeback won’t turn around a terrible Cub’s team. Come on, D. Lee, join the rest of the Cub’s nation in the mantra “Wait ‘til next year.�



9. John Travolta – Like most, Travolta’s comeback started with a bang. That bang was Pulp Fiction and it alone made me reconsider putting him on here. No disrespect to that movie, but remember, even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes. Or was it nuts on a better-looking squirrel once in a while? I can’t remember what Grandma used to say. The point is some of his movies that followed included Broken Arrow, Primary Colors, Battlefield Earth, and Be Cool. I’m just saying, he could have given better Face in Michael.


10. Mike Tyson – We all thought Tyson would beat some ass. Turns out, he bit some ass…and ear…and Holyfield’s children. Why come back and prove that you were softened up in prison, Mike? Let the world believe you were tough enough to be the one doing the raping.

See there, Comeback Kids, it’s over. You’ll never create the ’85 season, Dancing on the Ceiling, or Saturday Night Fever. Josie, if you do recreate a baseball career, it will be as a single-A knuckleballer. Listen, it’s better to have lost but still be loved than to comeback and be loathed because you destroyed your own legend, you Douches

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to figure out what single-A team signed Josie, so I can buy a jersey.