DAN RASPATELLO'S TOP FIVE
TOP FIVE MLBers YOU'D HATE to HAVE SLEEP WITH YOUR SISTER
5. Joe Mauer, C, Minnesota Twins:
For those of you baseball savvy fans out there, you probably think I am asshole for picking a class act like Joe Mauer. That is just the problem. He is too perfect. Have you ever seen an interview with this guy? He doesn’t even fuck up his breathing pattern. When your sister has sex with a guy like Mauer, you know Mauer is in it for the long haul. Classy guys don’t crush a little ass, and then run off with the next piece of tail that passes by them.
So, after your sister starts dating Mauer you start to look like a worthless piece of shit. Seriously, this guy got offered a full ride to Florida St. to play quarterback, and was the #1 pick in the Major League Baseball draft. “Hey, you know Mark Prior? He was drafted after me.� I don’t need a 6’4� 220lb, genetically perfect, young man lurking in my shadow. And by the way, he is currently batting .377 as a catcher. Let’s face it. This guy is one year older then me, and the second he starts dating my sister my parents are going to have a bigger hard on for him then they do for Costco. I’ll have to win Noble Peace Prize before my parents will start to love me equally to this guy. And Mike… well he might as well right off our parents for the rest of his life.
4. Milton Bradley, OF, Oakland Athletics:
The reason for Mr. Bradley is he is a psycho. Bradley is about as psycho as a high school girl who just got dumped by her boyfriend. The girl who drives by the ex-boyfriends house 20 times a day, gives up food, and tells all her friends they are getting back together. This guy has anger issues like Lindsey Lohan has eating disorder issues (I didn’t mean that Lindsey, you know I love you). His temper can only rival the offspring off Tony Soprano (before this shitty season) and Tonya Harding.
Let’s not forget in 2004, after being ejected from a game, he left his batting glove, bat, and helmet in the batter's box and threw a bag of baseballs from the dugout on to the field. Later that year a fan lofted a plastic bottle at Bradley when he was playing right field. Bradley picked up the bottle, walked over to the front row, then screamed at the suspected fan and then rifled it into the first row at the fan he suspected. Once again that year he was sent to jail for three days for verbally attacking a police officer after being pulled over for a traffic violation. Then there is my personal favorite. In 2005 he pulled out the race card on Jeff Kent (who is probably racist… hick) because Kent criticized him for not hustling.
I think it is pretty obvious that you do not want this maniac anywhere near your sister. The odds on him hitting a female are about as good as the odds on me having enough money to move out of my parent’s house by the end of the summer.
3. Mark Prior, P, Chicago Cubs:
It isn’t a Rivalfish article if you do not take a cheap shot at Prior. The reason I don’t want my sister to do Prior is because he is a huge (for a lack of a better word) pussy. This bitch, Prior not your sister, sits out for more strains, tweaks, sprains and aching muscles then a fat kid in gym class.
Its time to face the music, your sister is going to do it with some guy at some point or she may have already. You just got to hope it isn’t with some puss-puss like Prior. Half way through their exchange he’ll stop and start complaining about a sore shoulder. Then when he starts up again, and is doing a shitty job, he’ll just fake another injury and give up. I can just see it now… “No, I can’t come over. Mark is moody, and he wants me to come over and rub his shoulder. And he keeps demanding that I tell him he was the best college pitcher in the last decade.�
2. Barry Bonds, OF, San Francisco Giants:
I don’t even have to explain this pick. Everything that is wrong with American professional athletes Barry Bonds epitomizes. The only good thing that could come from your sister sleeping with this guy is a successful gold dig. Unfortunately, do to all of his steroid abuse and HGH abuse, his boys can no longer doggy paddle let alone swim. You know you’re an asshole when you are arguably one of the best baseball players ever, and you are the most openly hated athlete in America. If it wasn’t for baseball this guy would live in a one bedroom apartment by himself, and call the police on “those damn little punks� for being too loud.
1. A.J. Pierzynski, C, Chicago White Sox:
A.J. Pierzynski is by far the biggest scum-bag in professional baseball. He has proven this fact multiple times. While on the San Francisco Giants (2004) he was scumming it up during spring training, and allegedly kneed his trainer, Stan Conte, in the balls hard enough to put Stan on the shelf for a couple days. Way to prove how tough you are by picking on the trainer with a cheap shot.
A May 2006 Sports Illustrated article featured a survey taken among 470 baseball players about what player they would most like to see get thrown at. Pierzynski received eighteen percent of the vote, which was higher than any other player. Yes, even higher then the strongly hated Barry Bonds. Forty-two percent of those surveyed in the AL Central (which the White Sox play in) voted for Pierzynski. If this doesn’t say something about a person, then I don’t know what does.
A.J. is the kind of guy who would be on The Budweiser Hot Seat, and get asked, “A.J., what’s your favorite color?� And respond with, “I slept with Dan Raspatello’s sister, and she is a slut.� Everyone knows this type of guy, the one who comes over to meet your parents, and starts making out with her in front of the whole family. He would walk around with his hand in her back pocket, and keep a pack of cigarettes rolled up his sleeve.
It is only fitting that White Sox fans are the only people who like him. I don’t think a player could fit a fan base any better.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
9:25 AM
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