DAN RASPATELLO'S TOP FIVE
By Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com
"Here at the RivalRoom, we have been brainstorming for some new ideas. I decided to come up with a weekley Top 5. Every Friday I will pick a random topic that has something to do with sports (and sometimes it might not), and rank in my opinion, The Top 5. So for those of us in the working world, casual Friday just got a little more casual, because this article is not going to be founded in facts or comprised of a pool of experts. Oh you didn’t KNOWWWW!!!!" -Dan Raspatello
TOP FIVE MASCOT RUN-INS
5. Stanford Tree v. Cal’s Oski “The Friendly
Bear� (University of California, Berkley’s Mascot), Feb. ’95
A Tree v. A Bear… not that even of a match. Apparently Oski began to taunt the Stanford student section during a TV timeout, and the Stanford Tree had some pent up anger due to Oski always urinating on him, so the Tree went after Oski. They wrestled it out until police broke up the fight. No charges were filed, which allowed the Tree to go back to the forest, and Oski to avoid the zoo for the third time in his career.
4. Adrian McPherson v. T-Rac (The Titan’s Raccoon Mascot), August ‘06
The NFL is a dangerous sport, and at any given moment during a game a player can suffer a season ending injury. But would you ever expect one of your hometown players to get injured on his way back from the locker room as halftime is ending? On August 13th, Saints back-up QB Adrian McPherson (better known for his famous off-the-field run-ins at Florida St.) was coming back onto the field as halftime was ending, and T-Rac, the Titans raccoon mascot, was going back into the tunnel after ending his halftime performance. T-Rac decided to take his mascot responsibility one step further, and hit McPherson with his golf cart. The hit bruised McPherson’s knee and caused him to sit out the rest of the game. It wa
s later revealed that T-Rac, like all raccoons, does not actually have a Drivers License. T-Rac claims that, as a raccoon, he works better at night or in dark settings, and the stadium lights actually make it harder for him to see. T-Rac does say the incident has no correlation with McPherson’s persistent jokes that his breath smells like garbage. Although, two witnesses claim that T-Rac was screaming, “Your breath smells like fried chicken!!� as he collided with McPherson.
McPherson was unwilling to make a comment, but is currently waiting on his back porch with a hose.
3. Randall Simon v. The Italian Sausage (Milwaukee Brewer’s Sausage Race Participant) July ‘03:
Randall Simon and the Pittsburg Pirates were visiting the Milwaukee Brewers, and an interesting event happened during the traditional Sausage Race. For those of you who do not know what this is, (or did not read my article a couple weeks ago) the Sausage Race is a race between a mascot Hotdog, Bratwurst, Italian Sausage, Polish Sausage, and now, a Chorizo Sausage. As the sausages were sprinting
past the Pirate’s dugout, Randall Simon knocked the Italian Sausage down with his Louisville Slugger (for our female readers, that is a baseball bat). Randall’s overweight-free-swinging-ass was very disappointed to find out the sausage was not in fact actual food, but instead just fabric. The Italian Sausage immediately got up, screamed some curse-filled sentence at Simon, and misfired 3 gunshots in his direction.
Within weeks the Pirates put Randall on waivers, and of course the Cubs picked him up. After the season Randall was forced to go into the Witness Protection Program for his own safety. According to a leading source (my father) the mafia has a price on Randall’s head that is equal to Sammy “The Bull� Gravano and Henry “Goodfellas� Hill.
2. The University of Wisconsin (mascot: Bucky Badger) v. The University of West Virginia (mascot: The Mountaineer), Sept ‘02:
This rivalry could just be renamed Left Wing v. Right Wing or Kenny Chesney v. Jerry Garcia. I know it must come as a big shocker to everybody that West Virginia’s mascot is a mountain man who carries around a musket. That would be like the University of Texas’s mascot being The Executioner (he would have a black sheet covering his face, and just walk around and kick stools out from under people).
Anyways, West Virginia wanted their mascot to be able to bring h
is antique musket into Madison, Wisconsin, and shoot it off as their pre-game ritual. The Hippie Police (University of Wisconsin System Policy) have a law prohibiting weapons on campus. They would not bend the rule for the antique musket to enter the stadium. Thus, a mascot ignited a non-existing rivalry between two schools that had only played each other twice. The two schools verbally assaulted each other. It was the Hippies v. the Hillbillies: let the most radical belief win. One angry fan went as far as to compare Madison, Wisconsin to Communist Moscow. I didn’t know all that laid behind Stalin’s Iron Curtain was a Phish CD, Birkenstocks, a Hacky Sack, and a Moped (they love Scooters at that school). If that disgruntled fan is right, then my brother would have loved Communism. West Virginia fans got over being mad at the Madison liberals later that week when they were distracted by a Civil War reenactment.
1. Benny the Bull (The Chicago Bulls’ Mascot) v. A Cook County Police Officer, July ’06:
At the Taste of Chicago “Benny the Bull� was on the scene riding a motorbike on the sidewalk for pedestrians’ entertainment. A security guard (off-duty Cook County Police Officer) demanded that he stopped. Benny refused, and began to run away from the off- duty cop.
The cop finally caught up to Benny, and Benny turned and punched the cop in the face breaking his glasses and watch.
It was later found out that the police officer was also a matador. After bailing Benny out of jail, I asked him why he did this. “I looked the man who killed my brother dead in the eye, and all I could see was his red cape mocking me. I knew I was next if I didn’t act then. I dare that motherf#cker to show up to San Fermin, Spain next summer. Me and my bulls will see how tough he is without that sword and red cape.�
"Here at the RivalRoom, we have been brainstorming for some new ideas. I decided to come up with a weekley Top 5. Every Friday I will pick a random topic that has something to do with sports (and sometimes it might not), and rank in my opinion, The Top 5. So for those of us in the working world, casual Friday just got a little more casual, because this article is not going to be founded in facts or comprised of a pool of experts. Oh you didn’t KNOWWWW!!!!" -Dan Raspatello
TOP FIVE MASCOT RUN-INS
5. Stanford Tree v. Cal’s Oski “The Friendly
Bear� (University of California, Berkley’s Mascot), Feb. ’95A Tree v. A Bear… not that even of a match. Apparently Oski began to taunt the Stanford student section during a TV timeout, and the Stanford Tree had some pent up anger due to Oski always urinating on him, so the Tree went after Oski. They wrestled it out until police broke up the fight. No charges were filed, which allowed the Tree to go back to the forest, and Oski to avoid the zoo for the third time in his career.
4. Adrian McPherson v. T-Rac (The Titan’s Raccoon Mascot), August ‘06
The NFL is a dangerous sport, and at any given moment during a game a player can suffer a season ending injury. But would you ever expect one of your hometown players to get injured on his way back from the locker room as halftime is ending? On August 13th, Saints back-up QB Adrian McPherson (better known for his famous off-the-field run-ins at Florida St.) was coming back onto the field as halftime was ending, and T-Rac, the Titans raccoon mascot, was going back into the tunnel after ending his halftime performance. T-Rac decided to take his mascot responsibility one step further, and hit McPherson with his golf cart. The hit bruised McPherson’s knee and caused him to sit out the rest of the game. It wa
s later revealed that T-Rac, like all raccoons, does not actually have a Drivers License. T-Rac claims that, as a raccoon, he works better at night or in dark settings, and the stadium lights actually make it harder for him to see. T-Rac does say the incident has no correlation with McPherson’s persistent jokes that his breath smells like garbage. Although, two witnesses claim that T-Rac was screaming, “Your breath smells like fried chicken!!� as he collided with McPherson.McPherson was unwilling to make a comment, but is currently waiting on his back porch with a hose.
3. Randall Simon v. The Italian Sausage (Milwaukee Brewer’s Sausage Race Participant) July ‘03: Randall Simon and the Pittsburg Pirates were visiting the Milwaukee Brewers, and an interesting event happened during the traditional Sausage Race. For those of you who do not know what this is, (or did not read my article a couple weeks ago) the Sausage Race is a race between a mascot Hotdog, Bratwurst, Italian Sausage, Polish Sausage, and now, a Chorizo Sausage. As the sausages were sprinting
past the Pirate’s dugout, Randall Simon knocked the Italian Sausage down with his Louisville Slugger (for our female readers, that is a baseball bat). Randall’s overweight-free-swinging-ass was very disappointed to find out the sausage was not in fact actual food, but instead just fabric. The Italian Sausage immediately got up, screamed some curse-filled sentence at Simon, and misfired 3 gunshots in his direction. Within weeks the Pirates put Randall on waivers, and of course the Cubs picked him up. After the season Randall was forced to go into the Witness Protection Program for his own safety. According to a leading source (my father) the mafia has a price on Randall’s head that is equal to Sammy “The Bull� Gravano and Henry “Goodfellas� Hill.
2. The University of Wisconsin (mascot: Bucky Badger) v. The University of West Virginia (mascot: The Mountaineer), Sept ‘02: This rivalry could just be renamed Left Wing v. Right Wing or Kenny Chesney v. Jerry Garcia. I know it must come as a big shocker to everybody that West Virginia’s mascot is a mountain man who carries around a musket. That would be like the University of Texas’s mascot being The Executioner (he would have a black sheet covering his face, and just walk around and kick stools out from under people).
Anyways, West Virginia wanted their mascot to be able to bring h
is antique musket into Madison, Wisconsin, and shoot it off as their pre-game ritual. The Hippie Police (University of Wisconsin System Policy) have a law prohibiting weapons on campus. They would not bend the rule for the antique musket to enter the stadium. Thus, a mascot ignited a non-existing rivalry between two schools that had only played each other twice. The two schools verbally assaulted each other. It was the Hippies v. the Hillbillies: let the most radical belief win. One angry fan went as far as to compare Madison, Wisconsin to Communist Moscow. I didn’t know all that laid behind Stalin’s Iron Curtain was a Phish CD, Birkenstocks, a Hacky Sack, and a Moped (they love Scooters at that school). If that disgruntled fan is right, then my brother would have loved Communism. West Virginia fans got over being mad at the Madison liberals later that week when they were distracted by a Civil War reenactment. 
1. Benny the Bull (The Chicago Bulls’ Mascot) v. A Cook County Police Officer, July ’06: At the Taste of Chicago “Benny the Bull� was on the scene riding a motorbike on the sidewalk for pedestrians’ entertainment. A security guard (off-duty Cook County Police Officer) demanded that he stopped. Benny refused, and began to run away from the off- duty cop.
The cop finally caught up to Benny, and Benny turned and punched the cop in the face breaking his glasses and watch. It was later found out that the police officer was also a matador. After bailing Benny out of jail, I asked him why he did this. “I looked the man who killed my brother dead in the eye, and all I could see was his red cape mocking me. I knew I was next if I didn’t act then. I dare that motherf#cker to show up to San Fermin, Spain next summer. Me and my bulls will see how tough he is without that sword and red cape.�
posted by Rival Room Editor at
12:01 AM
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