LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: SEAN SALISBURY v. REALITY

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

When athletes watch SportsCenter do they ever get pissed at sports analyst who talk a lot of crap about them? I know if I turned on ESPN, and some sports analyst that was not half the player in his peak that I am on my worst day is telling America how terrible every decision I make is, I'd saw-off and slap my brother's dog. If I got an “A-“ on a paper in 2006, I don’t need some jerk who got a “C-“ on the same paper in 1995 pointing out all the faults in my paper.

No sports analyst does this more than Sean Salisbury. Sean Salisbury is an ex-QB who was a crappy back-up during his finest moment in the NFL, and now critiques other NFL players as if he was the lovechild of Jerry Rice and Brett Favre. All of us SportsCenter-watching idiots listen to this guy as he references his football experience and gives his intense opinion about the crappiness of another player. So I have been sent here to my keyboard by all the NFL players from across the country that Salisbury has thrown under the bus, to expose the reality of his worthlessness as a sports analyst. Salisbury, you may have thought that you talked such a big game that everybody forgot about who you were in the early ’90’s, but your blind, worthless screaming at the camera has not worked on me.

After getting drafted in ’87 by the Colts he was out of the NFL by ’88, and landed in Canada. If you are playing a pro sport in Canada that it is not hockey or curling, than it is not really a pro sport. A pro football league in Canada is like the father who thinks his kid is way better at little league than he really is, and starts a second all-star team because his kid didn’t make the first one. Salisbury did make it back to the NFL in the early ‘90’s and sucked it up until ’96. He threw a grand total of 19 touchdowns and 19 interceptions in his brilliant career. Remember Ryan Leaf the biggest QB bust of all time? He was in the NFL for less time than Salisbury, and still threw 7 more TDs. Yet if Ryan Leaf was on SportsCenter telling you why Michael Vick sucked, you would laugh about how he is a bigger bust than Lance Harbor (Paul Walker) in Varsity Blues.

Salisbury also got his broadcasting career started on Comedy Central’s Battlebots. That’s right, after his crappy NFL career he couldn’t get a job broadcasting anything other than a show with man made robots fighting each other. As time went on Salisbury kept telling everybody how good he was, and at some point people started to believe him. And now he is ESPN’s go-to guy on breaking down NFL games and players.

And that is all, as I have purposely made this article short and crappy. As a truly devoted aficionado to the art of journalism, I wanted my article as closely embody Salisbury’s career as possible. I would like to dedicate this article to John Clayton.