TOP TEN REAL WORLD/ ROAD RULES PARTICIPANTS of ALL TIME!
By Ross Frank DiMarco III
I had to do it. I apologize for all of the "reality show" haters. Believe me, I understand where you are coming from; I am the same way. I hate watching these people go on television and become "famous" for doing absolutely nothing. Honestly, the real celebrities should be the editing crew whom has to create drama/comedy out of complete crap. Mark Burnett, creator of such shows as The Contender, The Apprentice and Survivor, should die a slow and painful death. This Wanker has made millions off of stupid Americans that attempt to hit D-level celebrity status by making a name for themselves onone of his shows.
Nevertheless, two reality shows have always kept my interest: The Real World and Road Rules. For those of you who have been pigeonholed with Osama the last couple decades, both are produced by MTV. I first started watching The Real World during its second season stint in Los Angeles. From there on out, I was hooked. I was so envious of those seven "strangers." All they did was sitting around and NOT work for the man. Then came the same concept in a Winnebago called Road Rules. Just as intriguing, and I possessed the same deep envy. Next, to make matters even better (or worse, depending how you look at it) they combined them both and made an All-Star cast of drama queens/queers that seem like they didn't finish wiping their bums after explosive
diarrhea (you know what I mean...the itchy irritation that haunts you until your next visit to the bathroom).
Anyway, I decided to make a Top Ten Real World/Road Rules Participants list, frankly, because we all grew up with it. I watched it, you watched it....call it a "guilty pleasure." I have slowly weaned myself off of Real World and currently only watch the Challenges. So, without further adieu...Here is the true story of ten "strangers." Picked to be on a Top Ten List. See what happens when I stop being nice, and start getting real. The Real World/Road Rules Top Ten, courtesy of Rivalfish.
10. Jon Brennan - Real World: Los Angeles
This hillbilly from Kentucky had to be one of the funniest "reality" participants of all time. Seriously, his close-minded views on abortion, sexual orientation, and drinking had me crying I was laughing so hard. Not only that, but he rocked the greatest mullet seen on any "reality" television program in history. I heard he and Billy Ray Cyrus used to brush each other's hair while singing "Achy Breaky Heart" naked in a steam shower. Let us also not forget about his constant trips to the beach wearing his cowboy boots. Regardless, the man was a celebrity in his home town and continues to tour the country spreading the word of God. Blah blah blah. This guy definitely deserves his own variety show.
9. Veronica Portillo - Road Rules: Semester at Sea
She cracked the Top Ten simply by being on EVERY SINGLE CHALLENGE! I'm not sure if that's a fact or not, but this broad is the quintessential "Reality Whore." Veronica constantly argues with fellow participants and causes drama almost every time she is on camera. Nevermind that, though. The real reason she made the list stems from her Playboy "spread" as well as the revealing clothing she wears on each episode. She's pretty hot...I can't deny her that. I was the most jealous man in the world when she had that threesome shower with Rachel and Abram. Abram didn't deserve that. Come to think of it, I probably don't either. Whatever. As long as Rivalfish reader Brandon Yaklich is still a pathetic loser, I am happy.
8. Derrick Kosinski - Road Rules: X-Treme
Although this Illinois native may be a badass, he can also be a massive tool. He has had more drunken tirades than Mel Gibson. He has one alcohol-induced meltdown on every program on which he's shown his face. One time, he drunkenly crashed the RV and had to get taken into police custody. What a moron. His every move is being filmed and he STILL drove under the influence. Nevertheless, he brings a lot to the competitions and as they say: the more drama, the better.
7. Mike "The Miz" Mizanin - Real World: New York
Who can forget when Mike went ballistic on one of the Challenges and walked around wasted pretending to be "The Miz?" At one point, this snaggle-tooth geek from Ohio was the biggest dork on the show. Now, after eating his vitamins (aka steroids) and saying his prayers, "The Miz" is a featured WWE announcer. He is around hot chicks ALL the time. Is God punishing me? This dude used to wear Hooka Shell necklaces with his Abercrombie & Fitch khaki slacks. Ahhh...but I'm sure he has some kind of sexually transmitted disease due to his short fling with Trishelle. I'm getting nervous just writing about her. Should I get tested?
6. Tina Barta - Road Rules: South Pacific
I still haven't figured "her" out yet. I know she claims to have female body parts, but she sounds like a man. This replacement (for the voted-off Cara Zavaleta) not only brings drama, but she never shows off her slutty side (and I know, for a fact, that all girls possess one) to her male cohorts. She also is on EVERY single show, scheming, yelling, and harassing every other participant. This she-male just annoys the hell out of me. Honestly, I think the only man she could get (or would touch her) is Brandon Yaklich.
5. Pedro Zamora - Real World: San Francisco
AIDS/gay activist Pedro Zamora broke my homosexual visual cherry. I never saw two men kiss before; that is until Pedro and his partner Sean were filmed necking with each other. I know Rivalfish editor Tello Real still gets a chub remembering that faithful moment in television history. This guy made it cool to have AIDS! --- AIDS! AIDS! AIDS! --- (sorry, I couldn't resist). He also taught us how to act like a whiny Cuban. He single-handedly got Puck kicked out of the house. Kind of weak on his part. Pedro, if you can hear me down there, IT WAS JUST A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER! I always wondered if Pedro and Sean played naked gymnastics in the Real World house? And if so, did "token black guy" Mohammed bring the funk with some background music? I don't know why, but I need to know these things.
4. Tonya Cooley - Real World: Chicago
Ever since Trishelle has gone M.I.A., Tonya has graciously stepped in as the BWOC (Big Whore on Campus). Every time a new Challenge comes around she makes her way back into my life. This chick is so slutty, I don't think anyone associated with MTV will touch her. So, what will she do? Well, for starters, she will probably go back to Johnny Fairplay (from Survivor). Yeah, that's right. Tonya has been known to bump uglies with 
that douche. That's beside the point. While living in Chicago, this broadcomplained more than Gloria Steinem during the feminist movement. WAHH!!!"My parents didn't love me!" WAHH!!! "I was a foster child." My nightmares are usually narrated by this chick...it sucks.
3. Julie Stoffer - Real World: New Orleans
This annoying Mormon first poked her head out in one of the craziest cities in the world. Honestly, the Real World producers must have been salivating when they met this goodie-two shoe. I’ll bet their thought process went a little something like this:
Producer 1: “Here we have a Mormon who wants to be on the Real Wor…�
Producer 2: “Sign her up. She doesn’t have to audition.�
So she shows up, with her blue guitar in tote, and begins to watch her world crumble before her eyes. Brigham Young University caught wind of her “wild� antics and kicked her out. Then, she continues to appear in the Challenges and gets mocked by all of her cast mates. She even let Eminem roast her on his “Without Me� video. Good work, Julie! Maybe if you pray hard enough, God will make people enjoy your whining and constant crying.
2. Stephen Williams IV - Real World: Seattle
How can anyone forget Stephen? By accosting his fellow cast mate, Irene McGee, he became the only man to commit a racial AND sexual crime, only to suffer basically no consequences. A sex crime, you question? But of course: He bitch slapped that chick back to her hippie commune. In fact, here is the transcript of what went down:
“A marriage between you and I would never work out. You know that. You’re 
a homosexual.� Irene said.
Williams responded, “You think I’m a homo?�
Then SLAP! Goodnight, Irene! One of the greatest moments in television history.
1. David "Puck" Rainey - Real World: San Francisco
The ying to Pedro’s yang. These two meshed like Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb. Right from the get-go, we watched in anticipation for their first fight. Puck is the lone reason I had to tune in to every other “reality� program MTV has aired. In essence, MTV owes some of their vast fortune to this man. He captivated the audience with his, “I don’t care about anyone but myself� attitude. I didn’t even want to put him on this list because I thought he was too obvious. Personally, my favorite was when he spit on David at the VERY beginning of The Battle of the Sexes Challenge. The two were friends for Christ sake, and he still spit in his face. Pure genius, Puck. He found a way to keep the audience watching, and I respect him for that. Let’s take a moment and think about what Puck is doing right now. Feel better about your life? Yeah, me too.
I had to do it. I apologize for all of the "reality show" haters. Believe me, I understand where you are coming from; I am the same way. I hate watching these people go on television and become "famous" for doing absolutely nothing. Honestly, the real celebrities should be the editing crew whom has to create drama/comedy out of complete crap. Mark Burnett, creator of such shows as The Contender, The Apprentice and Survivor, should die a slow and painful death. This Wanker has made millions off of stupid Americans that attempt to hit D-level celebrity status by making a name for themselves onone of his shows.
Nevertheless, two reality shows have always kept my interest: The Real World and Road Rules. For those of you who have been pigeonholed with Osama the last couple decades, both are produced by MTV. I first started watching The Real World during its second season stint in Los Angeles. From there on out, I was hooked. I was so envious of those seven "strangers." All they did was sitting around and NOT work for the man. Then came the same concept in a Winnebago called Road Rules. Just as intriguing, and I possessed the same deep envy. Next, to make matters even better (or worse, depending how you look at it) they combined them both and made an All-Star cast of drama queens/queers that seem like they didn't finish wiping their bums after explosive
diarrhea (you know what I mean...the itchy irritation that haunts you until your next visit to the bathroom).Anyway, I decided to make a Top Ten Real World/Road Rules Participants list, frankly, because we all grew up with it. I watched it, you watched it....call it a "guilty pleasure." I have slowly weaned myself off of Real World and currently only watch the Challenges. So, without further adieu...Here is the true story of ten "strangers." Picked to be on a Top Ten List. See what happens when I stop being nice, and start getting real. The Real World/Road Rules Top Ten, courtesy of Rivalfish.
10. Jon Brennan - Real World: Los Angeles
This hillbilly from Kentucky had to be one of the funniest "reality" participants of all time. Seriously, his close-minded views on abortion, sexual orientation, and drinking had me crying I was laughing so hard. Not only that, but he rocked the greatest mullet seen on any "reality" television program in history. I heard he and Billy Ray Cyrus used to brush each other's hair while singing "Achy Breaky Heart" naked in a steam shower. Let us also not forget about his constant trips to the beach wearing his cowboy boots. Regardless, the man was a celebrity in his home town and continues to tour the country spreading the word of God. Blah blah blah. This guy definitely deserves his own variety show.
9. Veronica Portillo - Road Rules: Semester at Sea
She cracked the Top Ten simply by being on EVERY SINGLE CHALLENGE! I'm not sure if that's a fact or not, but this broad is the quintessential "Reality Whore." Veronica constantly argues with fellow participants and causes drama almost every time she is on camera. Nevermind that, though. The real reason she made the list stems from her Playboy "spread" as well as the revealing clothing she wears on each episode. She's pretty hot...I can't deny her that. I was the most jealous man in the world when she had that threesome shower with Rachel and Abram. Abram didn't deserve that. Come to think of it, I probably don't either. Whatever. As long as Rivalfish reader Brandon Yaklich is still a pathetic loser, I am happy.
8. Derrick Kosinski - Road Rules: X-Treme
Although this Illinois native may be a badass, he can also be a massive tool. He has had more drunken tirades than Mel Gibson. He has one alcohol-induced meltdown on every program on which he's shown his face. One time, he drunkenly crashed the RV and had to get taken into police custody. What a moron. His every move is being filmed and he STILL drove under the influence. Nevertheless, he brings a lot to the competitions and as they say: the more drama, the better.
7. Mike "The Miz" Mizanin - Real World: New York
Who can forget when Mike went ballistic on one of the Challenges and walked around wasted pretending to be "The Miz?" At one point, this snaggle-tooth geek from Ohio was the biggest dork on the show. Now, after eating his vitamins (aka steroids) and saying his prayers, "The Miz" is a featured WWE announcer. He is around hot chicks ALL the time. Is God punishing me? This dude used to wear Hooka Shell necklaces with his Abercrombie & Fitch khaki slacks. Ahhh...but I'm sure he has some kind of sexually transmitted disease due to his short fling with Trishelle. I'm getting nervous just writing about her. Should I get tested?
6. Tina Barta - Road Rules: South Pacific
I still haven't figured "her" out yet. I know she claims to have female body parts, but she sounds like a man. This replacement (for the voted-off Cara Zavaleta) not only brings drama, but she never shows off her slutty side (and I know, for a fact, that all girls possess one) to her male cohorts. She also is on EVERY single show, scheming, yelling, and harassing every other participant. This she-male just annoys the hell out of me. Honestly, I think the only man she could get (or would touch her) is Brandon Yaklich.
5. Pedro Zamora - Real World: San Francisco
AIDS/gay activist Pedro Zamora broke my homosexual visual cherry. I never saw two men kiss before; that is until Pedro and his partner Sean were filmed necking with each other. I know Rivalfish editor Tello Real still gets a chub remembering that faithful moment in television history. This guy made it cool to have AIDS! --- AIDS! AIDS! AIDS! --- (sorry, I couldn't resist). He also taught us how to act like a whiny Cuban. He single-handedly got Puck kicked out of the house. Kind of weak on his part. Pedro, if you can hear me down there, IT WAS JUST A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER! I always wondered if Pedro and Sean played naked gymnastics in the Real World house? And if so, did "token black guy" Mohammed bring the funk with some background music? I don't know why, but I need to know these things.
4. Tonya Cooley - Real World: Chicago
Ever since Trishelle has gone M.I.A., Tonya has graciously stepped in as the BWOC (Big Whore on Campus). Every time a new Challenge comes around she makes her way back into my life. This chick is so slutty, I don't think anyone associated with MTV will touch her. So, what will she do? Well, for starters, she will probably go back to Johnny Fairplay (from Survivor). Yeah, that's right. Tonya has been known to bump uglies with 
that douche. That's beside the point. While living in Chicago, this broadcomplained more than Gloria Steinem during the feminist movement. WAHH!!!"My parents didn't love me!" WAHH!!! "I was a foster child." My nightmares are usually narrated by this chick...it sucks.
3. Julie Stoffer - Real World: New Orleans
This annoying Mormon first poked her head out in one of the craziest cities in the world. Honestly, the Real World producers must have been salivating when they met this goodie-two shoe. I’ll bet their thought process went a little something like this:
Producer 1: “Here we have a Mormon who wants to be on the Real Wor…�
Producer 2: “Sign her up. She doesn’t have to audition.�
So she shows up, with her blue guitar in tote, and begins to watch her world crumble before her eyes. Brigham Young University caught wind of her “wild� antics and kicked her out. Then, she continues to appear in the Challenges and gets mocked by all of her cast mates. She even let Eminem roast her on his “Without Me� video. Good work, Julie! Maybe if you pray hard enough, God will make people enjoy your whining and constant crying.
2. Stephen Williams IV - Real World: Seattle
How can anyone forget Stephen? By accosting his fellow cast mate, Irene McGee, he became the only man to commit a racial AND sexual crime, only to suffer basically no consequences. A sex crime, you question? But of course: He bitch slapped that chick back to her hippie commune. In fact, here is the transcript of what went down:
“A marriage between you and I would never work out. You know that. You’re 
a homosexual.� Irene said.
Williams responded, “You think I’m a homo?�
Then SLAP! Goodnight, Irene! One of the greatest moments in television history.
1. David "Puck" Rainey - Real World: San Francisco
The ying to Pedro’s yang. These two meshed like Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb. Right from the get-go, we watched in anticipation for their first fight. Puck is the lone reason I had to tune in to every other “reality� program MTV has aired. In essence, MTV owes some of their vast fortune to this man. He captivated the audience with his, “I don’t care about anyone but myself� attitude. I didn’t even want to put him on this list because I thought he was too obvious. Personally, my favorite was when he spit on David at the VERY beginning of The Battle of the Sexes Challenge. The two were friends for Christ sake, and he still spit in his face. Pure genius, Puck. He found a way to keep the audience watching, and I respect him for that. Let’s take a moment and think about what Puck is doing right now. Feel better about your life? Yeah, me too.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
12:00 AM
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