RIVALFISH's DEFINITIVE SPORTS/POP CULTURE LOOK-ALIKE LIST

By Andy Kissko, Dan Raspatello, and Tello Real

I, Michael David Raspatello, lift weights just so that I can increase my likeness to fading MLB All-Star Nomar Garciaparra. Otherwise, I looke more like Splinter from TMNT. Anyway, we know this list has been done and we know you thought it sucked. We're sorry about that. We wish Fox Sports Blog and ESPN Page 2 were funny also. We also wish Jeff Garcia would stop calling us and trying to tell us he looks just like Debra Messing in the second season of Will & Grace. Anyway, this is the definitive list. No more child labor laws need skirting to keep up the constant search for the 25 best lookalikes in Sports and Pop Culture. And because Hitler doesn't really belong on a "Best" list of any sort, I'm just going to come out and say it: Bruins Coach Dave Lewis, has it ever once occurred to you upon looking in the mirror that maybe you should lose, or at least re-shape, that mustache of yours?

25. Steve Gutenberg and "Sports Guy" Bill Simmons

Talk all the shit that you want Bill Simmons, but lets be honest, who are people more excited to see in a mall, you or Starpower Steve? Gutenberg. Obviously fucking Gutenberg.

24. Charlotte Bobcast F Sean May and Sinbad

The first kid of Naismith Award winner Scott May meets the First Kid dude who hasn't seemed to be working much lately. He must be taking a couple years off to travel.




23. Tampa Bay Lighting Prosepct Tim "Buster" Stapleton and Tupac Shakur

Trans-racial lookalikes are really the pimiento in the green olive of my livelihood. I grew up playing hockey with this Filipino-American and he has always looked like Tupac. If you don't see it you're a close-minded bigot and more than likely attend Pentacostal church.

22. White Sox First Baseman Paul Konerko and Tim "Hotter Wife Than You'd Expect" McGraw

Faith Hill really looks great for a woman that's with a guy that's as into hitting his wife as Tim McGraw proved he certainly is by playing that role in Friday Night Lights way too well. Paully, on the other hand, just batters memories of World Series greatness into my soul every night after I don't do the dishes.

21. Minnesota Timberwolves G Bracey Wright and Tribe Called Quest member Q-Tip

I immediately regret not putting this one higher than the number that also represents the age at which a girl is too old for my taste. These too guys really look alike, and were both so much cooler and relevant about three years ago.



20. Charlotte Bobcats F/C Othella Harrington and Ed Lover from Yo MTV! Rap

God, I still get so nervous that people are going to think that I think all black people look alike. I wonder how this one is going to turn out, and I also wonder how many times Othella Harrington has gotten asked to do the Ed Lover Dance by some Bust Downs looking to name an O.G. Right? Right?

19. Bald Bull and Degenerate Gambler Charles Barkley

I can't recall a time in my life I didn't see a resemblence. Charles doesn't have the "hairy Frankenstein" thing going on to the same degree, but he has rocked the 'stache a couple of times. Overall, similar general mood and demeanor between these two.

18. Bonds Apologist Barry Zito and Cardinals QB Matt Leinart

I am surprised at how little the resemblance of these two gets mentioned in the media. Or maybe they do and my inability to read is working against me yet again. I wonder if Zito ever trolls around LA clubs trying to convince drunk girls he's Matt Leinart.

17. Rival Room Writer Dan Raspatello and Spurs Guard Manu Ginobili

Now Dan, don't go getting an escort in excitement over this realization. You've been gaining weight recently and the resemblance is fading. Before you know it, you'll be a dead ringer for Horatio Sanz. JK! BFFs forever Brother!

16. Padres Short Stop Khalil Green and Actor Kip Pardue

Yeah right Weird Name Guy #1, you wish you were as good looking as Weird Name Guy#2 from Remember the Titans! You're off to a good start though with those intense glamour shots.

15. Braves Pitcher Tim Hudson, 49ers QB Trent Dilfer, Seahawk's QB Matt Hasselbeck

I'll be bald on every inch of my body and suffer from adult acne to boot if I can still make the acquaintence of girls like that one on Hudson's arm. Hair's a pain in the ass. If you don't need hair to be cool, it's as useless as Tom Cruise at a Christmas tree decorating.

14. A's Catcher (Taker) Mike Piazza and Will from Will and Grace

Oh my God, they must go to the same hairdresser! And manicurist, and tanning salon, and S & M dungeon. I wonder if Lasorda still would have picked him if he had known?

13. Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy and Adam "Nightstalker" Morrison

I've never seen anyone work the hard wood with such grace. And Adam Morrison looked pretty good for a rookie, too!




12. Bobby Brady and Packers QB Brett Favre

Same shaped mouths, hair color, boyish exuberance. Mark Foley likes that in a page. Nevertheless, John Madden has twice the mancrush on Favre that Michael Jackson and Mark Foley have on Bobby combined.


11. Former Carolina WR Rae Carruth and Wannabe Mobster O.J. Simpson


One killed his ex and then hid in the trunk of his car when the cops came for him. The other guy is in jail.

10. Former Giants RB Tiki Barber and Neglected Child Ronde Barber

If they had gone to the same school as kids, they totally could have done that thing where they swap seats to confuse the teacher, or trade off taking each others' tests.

9. NFL Hall of Famer Bubba Smith and Cadet Hightower from Police Acadamy

Damn, I wish I could have found better pictures for this one. Bubba barely even looks like Hightower in that one. Take my word for it though.

8. "Dismissed" Grizzlies G Chris Anderson and The Onion columnist Jim Anchower

Chris Anderson was “dismissed” from the league on his first positive test for drugs because it was for one of the drugs on the extra-bad “Drugs of abuse” list, which includes methamphetamine; cocaine; LSD; opiates, including heroin, codeine and morphine; and PCP. Or as you were taught in 5th grade, “non-gateway drugs”. At least Anchower hasn't let use and abuse derail his career.

7. Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles and Sonics Forward Wally Szczerbiak

They look so much alike that it would be a waste of time to try to point out their similarities. The most noticeable difference, ostensibly, is that Jake Ryan did not attend Miami University in the 513, where the playas be. I just made that up.

6. Actress Dakota Fanning and Pre-Hair Cut Clippers Center Chris Kaman

In a past issue of Esquire, Kaman said he knows his hair looks crappy, but he’s never been allowed to have long hair and he just wanted to see what it’s like. It is better than him thinking his hair is awesome, but what kind of rationale is that? I'm gonna force my son someday to burn every piece of furniture in the house so that he doesn't grow up to be a petty arsonist.


5. Memphis F Scott Padgett and Dr. Arridor from Star Trek: The Next Generation

I wonder if Dr. Arridor was hyped coming out of his storied medical school only to average helping 4.4 patients per day? When it comes to Kentucky busts, he makes Rex Chapman look like Larry Bird




4. Former Ga Tech Star Luke Schenscher and USA Womans Soccer Great Michelle Akers
Schenscher is a man amongst boys, and Akers, in her prime, was a man amongst women. Akers always represented the US of A with an exceeding degree of class, pride, and talent so I don’t revel in making fun of her superficial appearance but….Oh wait, I had the definition of “revel” wrong. Yes I do revel in that, nevermind. Sorry about that.

3. Former MLB All-Star Sid Bream and Friendly Italian Plumber Luigi

Luigi is undoubtedly more famous, so every time I see Sid I just can’t help but think “Damn, I bet that’s what Luigi would look like if he were a real person." I am sure the reason Sid was wearing the leg brace during his famous dash home in game 7 of the 1992 NLCS was because he twisted it while landing on a Goomba or pipe or duck shell.


2. Horace Nebbercracker from Monster House and Former NBA Great Jeff Hornacek

"LITTLE GIRL! I WAS JUST AS GOOD AS JOHN STOCKTON! Not everyone gets to spend 14 years delivering to The Mailman! Now go fetch me one of that scumbag Rodman's rings!"


1. Orlando Magic Forward Hedo Turkoglu and TIMMY from South Park

Who would have thought Chris Simms looking like Butters, George Karl looking like Cartman, and Shawn Green looking like Kyle could have been outdone! Congratulations Hedo! Livin' a lie! HEDO!




RIVALFISH SHIRTS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE! AND THEY'LL ONLY COST YOU YOUR MONEY!