SAY "CHEESE!"- TUESDAY

"Right By Shani" Seat Request Taken Seriously


















Williams Pre-Retires Thomas' Jersey















Shani Steals Hedrick's Olympic Spotlight, Stuffed Animal, Father

OUT OF HIS LEAGUE - ARCHIVE

ARCHIVE

July 10th, 2006: Detroit Remembers It's Detroit, Loses All Athletic Assets Overnight.


July 10th, 2006: Viva Italia! Cheaters Sometimes Win! Grease Up Those Greasy Greaseballs and Give 'Em a Whirl!

July 3rd, 2006: Expanding On A Rich German Tradition, Torsten Frings Broutishly Imposes His Will Against An Undeserving Victim


July 3rd, 2006: 22 Seasons, 1755 Points, 94 Game-Winning-Goals, 3 Stanley Cups. I Know I've Given Head for Less.



June 13th, 2006: For A Black Man With Down's Syndrome, He's Still Pretty Damn Accomplished


June 13th, 2006: Who Cares What Team This Little Pygmey May of May Not Be On! Throw Him a Bone For God's Sake, He Could Be Pinch-Hitting for Your Team Next!


June 6th, 2006: Sweet Mother of God, FINALLY, the Pistons Begin to Personify the City They Represent


May 22nd, 2006: Jens Lehmann Proves He's A Buzzcut Away From Full SS Retirement Benefits


May 22nd, 2006: You Chasers Want the Pretty Horsey to Get All Better, Don't You?


May 15th, 2006: No, Seriously Ramonce, You'll Never Get Caught!


May 15th, 2006: To Guarentee Victory Without Big Black Balls Would Be Foolish. Rasheed Wallace is No Fool.


May 8th, 2006: At Least He Didn't Force His Terribleness Upon Us.


May 8th, 2006: Michelle Wie Prompts Many Ladies to Explore True Meaning Behind "I Only Do This When I'm Wasted."


May 1st, 2006: Hans Arneson Has a Week He'll Surely Someday Use to Make His Wife Jealous


April 24th, 2006: Mysoginistic Middle-Aged Man With Mammoth Lip Scarf Insults Young, Mistakingly-Empowerd Woman


April 24th, 2006: Career .170 Hitters Are Much More Appreciative of Their Male Fans. And Humility, My Friends, Draws the Muff In This Day and Age


April 17th, 2006: Hire Too Many Hippies For Your Marketing Department, and Kids Will Die. Don't Say Rivalfish Didn't Warn You.

April 17th, 2006: Despite A Near Elephant-Man Likeness, Chris Shelton Exhibits the "Power" to Suceed in the Big Leagues

April 10th, 2006: As If Women Have Any Control Of the Situation When Dealing With These Scumbags, We at Rivalfish Advise All Duke Co-Eds to Run For Their Lives

April 10th, 2006: Looking Like a Bookie With A Coke Problem, Phil Brings Home Another Green Jacket

April 3rd, 2006: Glen "Big Baby" Davis Unexplainably Hides All of Team's Talent In Between Rolls of Stomach Fat During Final Four Loss to Bruins


April 3rd, 2006: Kobe Bryant Momentarily Justified In His Quest To "Force" Fandom Upon Nation's Attractive Young Women

March 27, 2006: Who Would Have Thought? Andy Redick Did Something Pansy-ish That Makes Him Less Attractive To College Co-Eds!

March 27, 2006: George Mason Affiliation Used More Than
Cocaine To "Score Ass" For Two Fateful Weeks in March

March 20th, 2006: Fair-Skinned Gerry McNamara Breaks
Out Into Rare Skin Rash After Underachieving in
Syracuse's 66-58 First Round Loss to the Aggies

March 20th, 2006: Bradley Basketball Back On the Map
As Patrick O'Bryant Urges Co-Eds to Consider the
"Big Hands/Big Feet Theory"

March 13th, 2006: Steroids? Tax Evasion? Empirical
Evidence? A Pending Investigation by MLB? What Kind of
Woman Wants to Deal with That Baggage?

March 13th, 2006: Leprechaun Basketball Star Hits Clutch Shots
With Time Winding Down in Three Consecutive Big East Tourney Games.
Coach Boeheim Declares Him "F*&king Unstoppable!"

March 6, 2006: Redick Embarasses Self, Family,
Fellow Seniors At 83-76 Senior Night Loss to UNC

LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: INDIANA vs. IOWA?

by Dan Tella, draspate@indiana.edu

In the state of Indiana basketball is life. If there is anything I have learned in my past four years of college it is that fact. So to say that these past couple of years at IU have been unacceptable would be an understatement. Yet even during the down years at major college programs, there are still the major rivalries that keep fans interested. For example, whenever Duke was bad North Carolina was very good, keeping Duke fans interested as they hoped to play "spoiler" to their bitter rivals. Indiana’s major rival has always been Purdue, but over the past years Purdue has been terrible, showing no signs of even relative improvement. With Purdue in a dormant state for at least the next half decade, the door is open for a new in-conference rivalry.

Keep this in mind: obscure rivalries don't merely exist in the smaller conferences and lower divisions. Any time any of the numerous balding analysts for ESPN spend too much time paying lip service to an overhyped rivalry, a different rivalry awaits like The People Under the Stairs, ready to cause fans to feel guilty for not turning their attention sooner. Before you even attempt to try to figure out who IU’s new rival is, I’ll just tell you. It's Iowa. Yes, the Hawkeyes. And here is why...

The answer is disgustingly simple and rests on the shoulders of one, well-groomed thirtysomething. The reason, my friends, is Steve Alford. Steve Alford will soon be wearing the good old Red and White, and living in Bloomington, IN. Yes, one man can create the next great Big Ten rivalry. To start with, Hawkeye fans are passionate about their sports teams. The Hawkeyes are currently second place in one the toughest conferences in the nation, and have beat IU in both their showdowns. Thus, losing your coach to a proven inferior team in your own conference would enrage surely any fan, especially the surly Hawkeye faithful. Hawkeye fans have stuck behind Alford during some up and down years that featured a 14-16 campaign during his first season in 2000, and only two twenty-win seasons (not including this season). It looks as if this will be only his second season finishing with a winning record in the Big Ten. How can Iowa fans not hate Indiana after Alford sells them out in the off-season and moves to central Indiana? Here is a coach that these fans have stuck behind during a streaky tenure, and he leaves you for a team that you wiped up and down the court two times in the previous season. If this does not give Iowa fans enough reason to hate the Hoosier nation, then I do not know what will.

Many of you reading this article are probably asking yourself why Alford would leave Iowa to go coach at Indiana if his team is better. First of all, Iowa is a senior dominated team (start three seniors and two juniors) and they are built for this year. Indiana has a wide range of underclassman talent such as D.J. White, Robert Vaden, Ben Allen and A.J. Ratliff. On top of the immediate future, Alford will be able to succeed in the long run at Indiana as well. How about this for a future recruiting line: “Hi, I was on the last Indiana National Champion team and I was an All-American. I am pretty sure that I know what it takes to succeed at the collegiate level at Indiana University.�

Imagine Iowa fans having to watch their ex-coach do a better recruiting job at Indiana in his first year then he ever did in his 6-plus seasons behind their bench. On top of all this, I have not even mentioned the number one reason Alford will coach at Indiana next season. He is a God in Indiana and you can not put a price tag on being worshipped on a college campus. Just ask Matt Leinhart why he stayed another year at USC. Hoosiers love their basketball and Steve Alford is Hoosiers Basketball. Imagine Errek Suhr being 5 inches taller, an All-American, and the floor general of a National Championship team. If the movie Hoosiers slept with Bob Knight, they would reproduce Steve Alford.

Angry Hawkeye fans watching their program try to rebound as Hoosier fans embrace their favorite alum with open arms is going to be a viciously unavoidable building block in a great rivalry for as long as Alford wants to coach at Indiana. Unless he strangles somebody, he will be untouchable in Bloomington. So grab your buddies and tell them what you learned. But if Alford doesn't end up leaving for Bloomington, tell them you read it on espn.com.

OUT OF HIS LEAGUE

by Tello Reál, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

jer·sey cha·ser, n, A person that only pursues, or is receptive to, the advances of athletes. Most-commonly women, and most often found on or around college campuses.

Congratulations Robert Vaden! We at Rivalfish have named you our first Jersey Chaser Target of the Week! Robby, we hardly knew ye! On Sunday, Vaden, the sophomore guard/forward for Indiana’s struggling Hoosiers, showed that he understands how to take advantage of his own rising stock. After tallying a career-at-home-best 21 points and 10 rebounds, Vaden exploded into a well-deserved fiesta of self-confidence. Merely days after putting up an under-appreciated 3 points against unranked Penn State, Vaden used Sunday’s performance to notify the Hoosiers that they are no longer worthies of his services. Ladies, I think this 6’5� steed out of Naptown has a point.

“I’m almost positive I won’t be back. I think it would be best for me to weigh my options elsewhere,� Vaden explained, before letting beleaguered outgoing coach Mike Davis know that he may still have the opportunity to hang out in the presence of such unbridled greatness.

“Hopefully he can get a job, and if he goes somewhere that’s good enough for me, I’ll be there with him,� Vaden continued regarding Davis, with a humility no central Indiana jersey chaser could ever rebuff. So don’t let him slip away girls, because once he’s foregoing a year of eligibility while toiling at the end of Southwest Missouri State’s bench, his charm may begin to fall flatter with every walk-on that hustles his way ahead of Vaden on the depth-chart. For now, at least, Vaden can be “chased� in Bloomington while pouring drinks at Kilroy’s Sports, scoffing at boosters at Yogi’s Grill & Bar, or buying a bottle of Boone’s Farm for a younger “Chaser� at Big Red Liquors. Good luck ladies! Let me know how he was!

But don’t get overwhelmed lasses. We may have added quite a man-prize to your radars, but we're taking one off as well. Jersey Chasers of the world, no matter what you do, DO NOT LAY BODE MILLER!

After being hyped enough to earn his own Nike website (www.joinbode.com), Bode managed to go 0-for-5 in medal attempts at the now-completed Turino Olympics. Now he won’t quit babbling about what a great time he had while failing to even somewhat pretend to ski competitively on the world’s most brilliant stage. “Results don’t matter,� “it’s all about the experience,� and “can someone find me a straight razor?� have all been heard recently spewing from the Zima-drenched lips of this John Daly wannabe. Bode seems to have picked the wrong sport to compete in as a substance-abusing Ginger. “Gingers,� in case you Olympic jersey chasers are unfamiliar, are people regrettably born with red hair, pale skin, and freckles. To be honest, even when they succeed in sports, you should probably stay away from their freakish facades.

Nevertheless, Bode’s Olympic Festival of Futility has probably left the committed legion of chasers with little temptation. Don’t quote me on this, but I think he disqualified himself in more races than he finished. During the 1000 meters, he supposedly took off one of his skis and sat on it in a moment of mid-course inelegance. Putz.

Hey Chicas, you know how many Olympic medals I earned this year? The exact same amount as USA Skiing’s prized pony, Bode Miller. Point made girls. Let’s go get a cocktail. I know a place with all-you-can-eat hard-boiled eggs.

SAY "CHEESE!"- MONDAY

Walter McCarty, right, Yearns to be Treated Like
One of the Guys, Positive Integer

OH YOU WOULDN'T KNOW...YOUR ASS BETTER CALL SOMEBODY!!!!

by Dan Tella, draspate@indiana.edu

I love watching Michigan trounce on Notre Dame, regardless of the meaningfulness of the game or the sport being played. But whether standing trouser-less on the sidelines of a Woman’s Volleyball match, or being thrust into the air by a handsome frat boy when Michigan runs up the score against the Irish, I know I’m never going to see a Michigan letterman shoving a handful of thumbtacks into the back of an opponent’s head. However, that is almost always the case in WWF (ridiculously unnecessary name change). Who cares if their rivalries are written storylines? They’re magical. And who has even ever admitted that it’s not real? Find me a quote.

Goddamn! Everything from Hulk vs. Andre The Giant to DX (Degeneration X, for losers and hippies that didn’t know that) vs. The Nation (of Domination) was magnificent. These wrestling rivalries were the things that kept me tuning in religiously from age 3 to 17. Every Monday night I popped on the USA Network, and if my mom told me I had to finish my homework first, I “stunned� her. No questions asked. Every Sunday that offered a pay-per-view, same deal para mi mama if she started acting loco: A Tito Santana “Flying Forearm� right then and there. My boy Andy owned a black box that got free PPV channels. I swear we only used it to watch wrestling.

Recently the WWE has gone to hell, which was coincidently at the same time that they changed their name from the WWF. Shawn “The Heartbreak Kid� Michaels was always my favorite wrestler and his tenure in the WWF/E has been marked with some great rivalries. Shawn’s fame was set into motion by the timeless rivalry between he and his Rockers tag-team partner, Marty Jannetty, beginning when Shawn opted to throw him through a plate-glass barbershop window and become a singles star.

Another great rivalry for “The Showstopper� was with Brett "the Hitman" Hart. This rivalry came to its pinnacle when Shawn Michaels gave the "Sharp-Shooter" to The Hitman, whom then lost via submission despite never physically “tapping out.� The Ref wasn’t even fined for that nonsense. The NFL should consider themselves lucky to have such great officiating. Vince McMahon had the match rigged behind The Hitman's back. Little did he know that this controversy was going to end his WWF career, and begin his career as a graceful mullet-bearing, minor league hockey owner.

Shawn went on to have unforgettable rivalries with The Undertaker, Razor “Scot Hall with Greasier Hair� Ramon, Diesel (originally HBK’s body guard), and Steve Austin (the famous “Mike Tyson Match�.) He’s still doing something in wrestling today, but I liken it to Jordan on the Wizards, and refuse to watch.

But here’s my point: Every Monday night I turned on the USA Network to catch WWF Raw because I lived to see Shawn battle his rivals. Also, as explained previously, it gave me a perfect opportunity to knock my mom down a peg with a belly-to-belly suplex, a la Ken Shamrock. The reason these rivals were so great may lay in the WWF’s consistently great writing, keeping the story lines interesting by flip-flopping characters quicker than Chyna turned herself into a female. It could make any man, boy, or NAMBLA-member’s stomach drop. Remember when HHH and The Rock first began to battle in the good ‘ole Nation vs. DX battles? HHH was the good guy that the fans loved, while The Rock was hated. Within the year the roles were completely flip-flopped but the rivalry hadn’t missed a beat. Genius. What channel is USA Network these days anyway? I don’t have any homework tonight.

THE PEDRO vs. PUCK, WEEK I

by Ross Frank DiMarco III, rfdimar@pointpark.edu

"Every now and again we like to relay the tale of a unique real world rivalry situation. And we don't even care who won. Send your stories to mraspatello@rivalfish.com. Don't fax us, because we don't have one of those."-Rival Room Editor

Being a Pittsburgh Steelers fan since birth, I believe I know a thing or two about rivalries.

Most football enthusiasts know about the rivalry between the Steelers and the Cleveland Browns. In fact, whenever a Pittsburgher gives birth, the child is instantly brainwashed, a la A Clockwork Orange, to feel nothing but hatred for the Browns. However, this NFL season brought about a new rivalry that plans to stay ablaze for several years to come - the Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals.

Here they were, the AFC North Champions, a third-seed in the playoffs, with a Pro Bowl quarterback at the helm. The Cincinnati Bengals were riding a wave of emotions that they believed would lead them to their first Super Bowl appearance since Super Bowl XXIII in 1989. The last time their fans even watched a playoff game involving the Bengals was 1990.

But this year was different.

Chad Johnson was burning cornerbacks out of their jockstraps. His touchdown celebrations were the topic of every male’s water cooler conversation on Mondays. Carson Palmer proved that he could go toe to toe with the great Peyton Manning. They finally knocked off the AFC North omnipotent Pittsburgh Steelers in Week 13.

"Who Dey,� the 2005 Bengals would question whenever an opponent walked onto the same field as them.

The first round of the playoffs pitted the Bengals against the Steelers for the third time of the season. I decided it was my duty as a proud member of the Steelers Nation to make the five-hour trip through Ohio.

Seventeen of us piled into a shuttle with enough booze to make Ted Kennedy jealous. We were filled with so much energy and excitement, I thought our driver was going to start doing keg stands with us. However, all the excitement in the world could not prepare us for what was going to happen on that Sunday.

We found a nice parking lot close to Paul Brown Stadium that would accommodate our vehicle. Even though the Bengals fan begged and pleaded for the lot owner to turn us away, he couldn't pass up the amount of green we were willing to pay.

As I walked into the stadium, a woman and her son were mocking me for wearing my Troy Polamalu-esque wig. He couldn't have been more than 8 years old.

"Look honey, they have a girl playing for them," she said. "Girls play for the Steelers."

"You are a bunch of girls," said her son.

Whatever. I brushed it off because I know if I rebutted their statement the surplus of Bengals fans surrounding me might take offense.

We were in our seats for 10 minutes when the first incident occurred. It happened seconds after Carson Palmer's season was suddenly ended thanks to Kimo von Oelhoffen . An average sized man started jawing at my buddy Jimmy. Not one to back down, the 5'6" Jimmy shot right back. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the Bengals fan grabbed Jimmy's hat and threw it out of the stadium.

Jimmy wasn't sure what to do. He figured he had two options:

1. Go after the guy and probably get kicked out or,

2. Swallow his pride and accept the loss of his hat

Without hesitation, Jimmy attacked the man like a cat pouncing on a ball of yarn. Jimmy had to jump two rows of seats to get to the guy, and he did it like an Olympic hurdler. Surrounding fans finally broke it up after a couple of errant fists missed their mark.

Once the two fighters parted ways, the cops showed up to usher Jimmy out. However, Jimmy refused to leave until they heard his side of the story. I guess the cops felt his reaction was justified because they let him stay.

As the game played on, you could actually feel the Bengals hopes of another Super Bowl appearance being drained from their very souls. The fans were left speechless after Roethlisberger threw the touchdown pass to Cedrick Wilson on the trick play.

As the final seconds ticked off the clock, they were frustrated. They had every right to be; there "Cinderella Season" was over. Tension and hostility filled the stadium.

We weren't even done finishing our congratulatory hugs/high-fives with fellow Steelers fans when we saw Jimmy starting to get into his second fight of the day.

A beast of a man (who kind of reminded me of pro wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow) grabbed Jimmy's Terrible Towel. The importance of a Terrible Towel to a Steelers fan can never be overemphasized.

We love it.

A Steelers fan is never allowed to let an opposing fan take their Towel; let alone Bungles fan (not a typo...that's what we call them). Since Jimmy was much smaller than this guy, I figured he wouldn't dream of trying to get his Towel back.

I was wrong.

The two were standing face to chest on the stairs next to our seats. Jimmy demanded the return of his towel and the behemoth just laughed. Jimmy grabbed a hold of the railing and in one swift motion, swung around the divider and jumped with all he had. Jimmy horse-collared this guy and tried to squeeze the life out of him.

The man literally tossed Jimmy off within five seconds. Jimmy landed about two rows down and proceeded to fall about five more until he eventually stopped.

We thought he was dead. We were about to call for the paramedics when we saw Jimmy stand up...Terrible Towel in hand.

We escaped Paul Brown Stadium with no more physical harm. Thankfully, the shuttle was right where we left it, and surprisingly no graffiti was painted on the side. We celebrated some more while those Bungals fans kept shouting those two annoying words:

Who dey?

But this time, we knew exactly how to respond:

We dey!

SPORTS, MOVIES, MEN, AND TEARS

by Dan Tella, draspate@indiana.edu

I love them. If you don’t believe me check out my facebook profile under the category “favorite movies.� Miracle, Hoosiers, Rudy, Sandlot, The Natural, Remember the Titans, The Program, Major League, and a plethora of others all remind us men that sometimes its okay to get the shivers like a girl watching Sixteen Candles for the 150th time. I own that one, hence the accuracy of that analogy. Throughout all of these movies there is always the unavoidable underlining theme, “David beats rival Goliath.� Whether it’s against the Commies, the First Stringers, the Inner Demons, the Big Town, or the Racist Society, these “good guys� all march to the beat of the same drummer.

Why do I love these movies? God, where should I begin? How about we start with the unforgettable lines…

“Mike Eruzione!�

“Where are you from?�

“Boston, Massachusetts!�

“Who do you play for?�

“The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!�

Or is it,

“Whatta ya want me to say Herb, I’m afraid of getting cut? Yeah, I’m afraid of getting’ cut.�

And if you don’t get choked up when you hear, “Do you believe in miracles, yes!!� then you are a terrorist. How about in Rudy? When his name starts to echo throughout the Irish faithful even my Maze and Blue heart crumbles.

“Who’s the wild man now?� Lets not forget about Rudy’s fat best friend who later went on to make Swingers(by the way Vince Vaughn is in Rudy also).

And my personal favorite, “Starting Defense! Place at the table,� followed by a couple car windows suffering the wrath of ‘roid rage.

Bob Uecker isn’t even an actor and he has some of the greatest movie lines ever: “And that ball is headed somewhere towards South America,� “Just a bit outside,� and “This guy even threw at his own kid in a father-son game.� I love these movie lines and I could sit here for hours and type more, but I think I’ve gotten my point across regarding why these movies are the greatest food for the core. I shouldn’t even have to go on. I should go play FIFA immediately. But I will continue because I’m not a quitter, or a haughty member of Varsity from D3: You Should Know The Rest or Stop Reading This Rant.

Because as great as the endless repertoire of quotes are to any movie or sports fan, they are not the greatest upshot created by these cinematic experiences. The absolute best thing about these movies is that they represent the only truly socially acceptable time for adolescent boys and grown men to cry in each other’s presence. In fact, if you don’t cry when Rudy runs onto the field for the first time you are most likely going to Hell because you are an emotionless Dick. If you can’t crack a smile with a single tear strolling down your face when you see 20 college kids beat the greatest hockey team ever assembled during the Cold War, then you might as well be Canadian if you aren’t already.

These true-ish stories of the “classic underdog beating its seemingly unbeatable rival� are the reason we love sports. The whole entire reason. Nothing to do with Daddy throwing us ground balls in the driveway. Hear that Ray? If it wasn’t for Hickory, Rudy, and Mike Eruzione, we wouldn’t associate sports with passion the way most humans presently do. We need these Davids to keep toppling the Goliaths because we need something to believe in. Holy Swear Word, did I just say that? I did and I would again. It’s only a clichéd idea because it’s dead-on. As long as we keep remembering to make a movie about it whenever it does happen so all of us sports fans in the world can pop it in someday and enjoy the unimaginable for a couple hours, I’ll be fine. That’s really all I’m asking. I said “Good Day!�

FROM THE BASS'S GILLS

by Sean Condon, smcondo@yahoo.com

Already midway through an unseasonably cool winter in Chicago and the better half of the city is still topping off their champagne glasses. Temperatures remain well above their normal averages, and the typically brutal Chicago cold has proven itself absent in the face of conditions more suitable to a team from Carolina. After breaking an 88-year championship drought, it appears the city does not want to cool off. Since the World Series sweep in October, Chicago has been a city turned on its head. All the interest and enthusiasm has gone South: parades, a Sox-fest sell out, and the team’s recently reception at the White House dominate the baseball headlines. For a Sox-fan during this off-season, life is easy.

It has been so easy that I have spent little time even thinking baseball lately, which is why I was surprised to find it slip into my subconscious during a random dream I had last night. In it, I was sitting with two Cub fan friends when a news trailer came on and WGN anchor Jackie Bang (it must have been the name that vaulted her into my sleepspace) announced breaking trade news for Cubs fans. My two friends leaned forward at the screen and waited, mouths open, before she said the words Miguel Cabrera and his picture lit up, while I watched, cursing. Actually, I think it was a picture of a jellyfish since I don’t know what Cabrera actually looks like, but the words were there, and the message was too. As great as the championship is, nothing could be better than winning a second. And by that same token, nothing could ruin it so quickly like the Cubs responding with a win of their own.

Don’t get me wrong, this in no way means Sox fans are concerned about the Cubs or any pseudo danger they pose in 2006. In fact, it’s fitting that it would take a dream to produce the sort of scare that would make anyone see the now much-less-lovable losers as a threat. In the waking life, I believe the club is celebrating acquisitions more along the lines of Jacques Jones and someone named Simontacchi while still barreling down the wrong way of their 2003 playoff crossroads, more interested now in adding luxury boxes to the bleachers and hosting as many Buffet concerts as possible. Any reports that Sox fans believe the Cubs to be a threat are greatly exaggerated. Still, one team has to win in ‘06, and statistically right now everyone is even.

Currently, it is a new era in Chicago baseball. It is uneven, victory has been conceded by even the most die-hard fans. Any Cub supporting friend of mine has to enter my home with the fear that at any time the needle could be ripped from Steely Dan and replaced by the DVD-perfectly queued, of Podsednik’s game two walk off. Better yet, I might have ready the Sox ‘93 VHS with a clip of Bo Jackson and a young Frank Thomas going back to back. That is the other unexpected upshot, even in hindsight all things Sox play the trump card. Ozzie dives, sacrificing his body and flips to Steve Sax, setting off a quick double play. Well, those things are just the building blocks of a great manager. I wonder if there is any available footage of Don Zimmer in the Cubs dugout getting punched in the face.

The point is, the state of baseball in Chicago is just right, and the only thing that could upset that would be the Cubs winning a championship. This should be reason enough for Cubs fans to get up and cheer. The fact that it probably does take a Sox fan to light the fire underneath crumbling Cubdom only reveals the sorry state that it’s in. We’ll take it as an unfortunate responsibility of being champions, plus, it’s more fun that way. Of course it could be because with all four starting pitchers returning we can already imagine the consequences of a Sox repeat.

On April 2^nd the Sox begin their homecoming against Cleveland, unraveling the World Series banners and taking the field as champions for the first time in front of the crowd at US Cellular/New Comiskey. On April 4^th they display the championship trophy and the day after that showcase the rings. Hopefully all my Sox friends and I can find a way to make it to what is for the first time certainly the hottest April ticket in town. Until then I’ll be waiting. Sweet dreams.

RIVALRY WEEK #1 OF '06 OVER LIKE SOSA'S CAREER!

by Tello Reál, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

But don’t you worry, there’ll be another soon. Annually, there’s at least one ESPN-dubbed “Rivalry Week� for every day my Jewish buddies get to take off work or school and pretend to go to temple all day. But, as you may imagine, we at Rivalfish do not rue that fact. We even started a website so that ourselves and our cousins could play “journalist� and ramble on about which sports we caught all week.

So, personally, I caught a lot of basketball this week. Hockey’s not on television in the United States, and I think there’s still only like 19 teams in college, so rivalries are a little forced. And of course I caught jersey-chaser favorite J.J. Reddick and Duke beat barely-ranked UNC like they were supposed to, and then say everything they were supposed to, such as “It was an honor to play at the Dean Dome,� and “The rivalry between us and North Carolina is one of respect, not hatred.� The players on these teams seriously act like they are running for office. It’s mesmerizing. BUT THEN I realized I had maybe been wrong about them when reading the fine-print of Reddick’s interview. At one point, he said something that pretty much was, “with Maryland, we kinda have like this hate thing sorta going on.� Woah. Reddick’s gonna snap Joe. Additionally, in a stat that makes you realize how many times teams actually annually play each other in college basketball, Duke has taken 16 out of the last 19 against the Tar Heels, dating back to late ’03. Totally not kidding.

So, as you can see, there was better content during Rivalry week than the above. First of all, in an acquittal saved especially for Rivalry Week by the authorities in Rapid City, S.D, North Dakota cager Matt Klabo was deemed “not guilty� of simple assault for elbowing a South Dakota Tech opponent in a game last year.

Sticking to the police blotter, I caught a highlight lead-in jabbering about “Hoya Paranoia.� First thing that came to mind was an image of Patrick Ewing being led out of Villanova’s gates after being caught trying to nab the ’85 Natty Champ trophy. I’m not even double-checking on that year because I’m a braniac, and I don’t have to. Oh yeah, and he was wearing his old uniform in this daydream. However, I think they were instead just teasing about Georgetown’s pesky D when they said that.

Just to prove that they are “totally real rivals,� now that Miami has moved to the ACC, Miami’s big-man almost started brawling Sunday night with the Tar Heels’ big man.

In another first-time conference match-up, #13 Pittsburgh upset #10 West Virginia on Thursday in the first game between the two teams at a time when both were ranked within the top-25. Punch and pie was served. Everyone just started throwing it like total brats.

And when the violence of ruffian boys just got to me too much, I set out for some set shots and lay-ups and turned on the Tennessee vs. Vanderbilt Women’s game. Tennessee is ranked towards the top of the Top-25, Vandy ranked towards the bottom. Tennessee barely beat the Commodores, and Pat Summit called out her own team for being too “laid back.� Despite looking absolutely fabulous for an extremely-active, 87-year-old Hall-of-Famer with 33,432 NCAA victories, she needs to realize that her team has the only girl that can dunk, and that’s pretty much the whole battle right there, if she’s looking for her sport to win. I don’t want to hear it; I’m a Women’s coach myself.

Hoping to serve as a role-model to his entire state on Sunday, Pittsnogle of classically elitist West Virginia University had a “bounce� in his step, leading his team to a defeat of Big East Rival Georgetown, and his wife through natural childbirth all in one week! Georgetown fans are going to have to let that kid and his friends into parties now for sure! He’ll probably bring his new son! Congratulations Pittsnogle.

But not all rivalries end in beginnings, or even involve two teams. The Tigers of Mizzou have apparently taken on a formidable rival of late: their administration. Coach Quin Snyder got fired/was forced to resign. Apparently, “Coach Q� is either the most ridiculously unexplainably good wingman ever for his boys, or has a pool or something, because his team was oddly-overly-pissed about his dismissal. The administration is helping things along beautifully by not letting Coach Q talk to his players about what happened, “until negotiations are settled.� Missouri HS standouts are becoming so worried about continuing their careers in this program that they are building a whole other real college in the state of Missouri where they can play! Oh, Missouri, I jest!

Somewhat similarly, now that Purdue sucks, the Hoosiers have had to prompt their fans to turn against them in search of a new rival. As IU’s faithful can attend to, they’ve done this via sucking also. Now some of their fans wear black t-shirts to their games, and chant for the coach’s dismissal, just to be dramatic. It worked. Mike Davis went ill with exhaustion. He’s going to be ok though, so no worries. Except continued worries for IU’s team. They turned not-good really quickly after taking down Illinois a mere month ago.

And in closing, I’ll admit, I was never really going to ignore the classic rivalries that keep us coming back no matter my neurosis about seeming too “unoriginal.� There was U of I getting smoked again on Sunday, by Ohio State, in the one sport they actually have a legitimate chance of beating the Buckeye’s in. Ohio State had begun their week of Big-Ten bragging rights by jumping on another opportunity to taunt Michigan and their posse with a 94-85 basketball extravaganza on the road Thursday night.

#1 UCONN continued to attempt to screw us all by disproving the “when it’s a rivalry, you can throw out the rankings� tenet, by playing only half of the game against un-ranked Syracuse and still winning by 23.

Texas Tech lost by over twenty to 7^th-ranked Texas. Bobby Knight individually slapped the face of every player on his team, in succession, after the game in front of the media. Then he told them to bury him head first so his critics can kiss his behind. Nah! That’s what the old BK would do. The new, chill one, said, “They’re a very good basketball team. We’re not a very good basketball team.� Good for him. Rivalries don’t have to be all about bad names and fights guys!! Buonna Notte! I’m going to go listen to that hidden track that comes on six minutes after the end of the last song on Offspring’s 1994 smash, uh, “Smash.� Dude, I’m not only into sports.

FOUR YEAR THEORY?

by Dan Tella, draspate@indiana.edu

I have a theory about prestigious college basketball programs. I call it the Four Year Theory. It shakes-up the unspoken rivalry between the elite of the elite college basketball programs. It's unavoidable. Even for Duke. Like I said, every great college basketball program has one dry-spell of roughly 4 years every quarter century.

Let me first establish what exactly the prestigious programs are. In this category I put Indiana, Duke, North Carolina, Kansas, Kentucky, and UCLA. We have no time for argument. I do not put teams like Michigan State in this category because their greatness began in the late '90's (practically last year) when Mateen Cleaves signed with State instead of Michigan. Remember that? In a stellar recruiting move, Wolverine stars Luis Bullock and Robert Traylor picked up then-HS-Senior Mateen Cleaves for a day of tomfoolery. They drove to ex-con booster, Ed Martin's, crib in the fancy suburbs of the “D.� They pretended to care what he was saying as he handed them all cash-filled envelopes. Then they crashed the car on the way home by driving like hippies. Obviously, none of them owned the car. It looked really shady. Cleaves decided to get the flip out of that whole fiasco and sign with rival State so that he could turn and immediately laugh at the crumbling Ann Arbor program. He ended up with a National Championship ring. Bullock and Traylor ended up in front of a grand jury. But MSU is still not a great program.

To be in the prestigious group you need to have shown consistent dominance for about 20 years. When you look back, you see that all of these programs have had short 2-4 year droughts at some point over the past two decades. I know I called this the Four Year Theory. Sounded infinitely more prestigious that way. And you weren't going to keep reading with a weak title like “The 2-4 Year Drought,� by Unsure-of-himself Ranter. But anyway, Duke went through theirs during the mid '90s when Laettner, Hill, and Hurley had just left and Wojo and Langdon were still in high school. By the way, I love seeing Wojo get all jovial like a little has-been troll sitting next to coach K. A little has-been troll that balled for Duke, though.

With North Carolina it happened at the turn of the century when Vince Carter and Jamison had just left and Sean May and Felton were still in high school. These teams can be best remembered for starting two football players for a significant period of time (Ronald “Hyped More than Vick� Curry and Julius “Scarier than Tuberculosis� Peppers), and as Matt Doherty's failed homecoming. Kentucky 's dry spell preceded all of theirs in the early '90s right before Mashburn came to Lexington.

Currently Indiana is going through their dry spell. I go to Indiana, and therefore hate the fact that when I try to brag to a chap from Lexington, Chapel Hill, Durham, Lawrence, or Westwood that I experienced one of the great ones, I'll have to lie about which years I was here. After Mike Davis gets fired this year, these past 4 years will be referred to as the Mike Davis Years. It really has gotten that bad here. Indiana went 20 straight years making the tournament (at the time the longest streak in the nation. Have gone 0 for 2 in the past two years.) They are looking to make it a three-peat. But no need to dwell in the negative. I still got to storm the court when we beat the culturally insensitive Illini. And that makes for a lot better grandkid/girl-in-bar/job-interview story, than any tournament streak.

JONAH D. ANSELL

Contact: jonah (dot) ansell (@) gmail.com

Hometown: Chicago (currently living in Los Angeles)

Rivalfish co-founder/marketing director Jonah D. Ansell is the creative producer of The Rival Room. In 2006, Ansell wrote/directed Rivalf