THE SHOWDOWN IN CHICAGO - TRAGIC UPDATE

Faithful friends, the verdict is in on Olbermann v. O'Reilly. Despite our heartfelt plan, our flashy graphics and Don-Kingesque title, the producers from FoxNews and MSNBC gave Rivalfish the cold shoulder, and refused to return emails or phone calls.

"Classless," we say, and when the blogging revolution finally overthrows traditional media, we promise you that Rivalfish.com will have the last laugh. But until then, the greco-roman wrestling match that was to take place in a Wrigleyville bar will exist only hypothetically and not in the actual world.

Us Rivalfish boys would've felt a moment of awkwardness as we greased-down the bodies of these two big-name newscasters, navigating between the randomly-placed lone hairs that spitefully and selfishly sprout up on the backs and upper arms of men over the age of 32. Sure, we could've gotten a couple of Wrigleyville floozies to hop into some tight pink Rivalfish bikinis, but given the whole greco-roman theme, a little homoeroticism would've only made the night more interesting. After all, we don't want Bill O'Reilly getting any access to our interns, lord knows what he'd do if he could get one on the phone "after hours."

As for Keith, we thought we might appeal to the comedian in him, and hoped that his SportsCenter past might give him the chutzpa to get into the Rivalfish ring and take on his nemesis.

Both men's fear of entering Rivalfish's Rival Room leaves us only to assume that their labias droop lower than their would-be balls might hang. Fear not dear faithful, we promise you, we will lure two heavyweights into settling their feud in the Rival Room. Our site's been around for only three months, and we've made quite a splash in the national sports arena. By year's end, mark our words, you'll see some heads butting.

Much love,

The Rivalfish Boys

SAY "CHEESE!" - NFL DRAFT SPECIAL EDITION

Mel Kiper Jr. Commits Suicide

SAY "CHEESE!" - FRIDAY

Concept of "Dribbling" Continues to Baffle NBA's Elite

AMONG THE HMONG

"A dear friend of Rivalfish was decidedly asked by the powers that be to vacate the premises of the Western Hemisphere. Long Story. Something about an overdue videotape. So he begged for a plane ticket from a family friend with an "in." Now he's among the Hmong people of Vietnam teaching our fine language. Or he's sitting in the woods with his laptop and lying to us all. He faxes us these letters about what's going on in OUR sporting scene, signing them with a different assumed name each time. But we all know it's Josh. He's probably just trying to show off that he still knows the most about sports, even when exiled. It's really pretty impressive, so we're going to post his letters without his permission!"- Rival Room Editor

With the upcoming NFL Draft dominating the football conversations of amateur Mel Kiper Jrs across the country, it would seem that the focus is on the hopes and dreams of favorite teams in the upcoming season.

Hogwash I say. Let's talk about NFL football in the here and now. Oh sure, nobody is flashing a platinum grill and dancing a jig after breaking one for 85 yards. Stadium parking lots aren't full of drunken revelry for hours before game time. You might even say that football was over when the Pittsburgh Steelers "won" the Super Bowl in Detroit. How wrong you are my friend. Thanks to a combination of a feeling of invincibility derived from a lifetime of false idolatry shared by all NFL players and the media scrutiny of a proctologist, I am pleased to introduce to you my baby, "Fantasy Football Offseason." The playing field here isn't 100 yards of carefully manicured grass. It is in the Denny's parking lots at 3 AM, the alcohol scented 2 AM traffic stops, and outside the clubs of every NFL city in America. Using a carefully crafted Rotisserie points system, you can track how your favorite superstars and benchwarmers relentlessly embarrass themselves and their teams.

The scoring categories are as follows
-Arrests
-Convictions
-Gun Related Arrests
-Gun Discharging Related Arrests
-DUIs
-Assaults
-Domestic Battery
-Drug violations including positive tests and whizzenator discoveries
-Drug Violations involving 500 pounds of weed in a van (thank you Nate Newton, lemme get a dime sack)
-Interviews where teammates are called out
-Interviews where player is unhappy with current contract
-Interviews where player insults the fans of the city he plays for

This is a game where the superstars aren't the ones filling up the stat sheets. In "Fantasy Football Offseason," it's the backup linebackers and cornerbacks angrily trying to convince club rats that they play for the Vikings we are talking about. And you don't have to wait until Sunday to find out how your best players did, because NFL players are doing this ignorant sh&t every day.

Next Week: The team rosters and the first round of our Fantasy Football Offseason Mock Draft.

SAY "CHEESE!" - THURSDAY

Nation's Jews Applaud Home Run Streak of All-Around Mench

KEEPIN' FIT WITH RONNY J

by Ronald Jickstoom

"Ronny J is our buddy's father. He used to play basketball for the University of Detroit-Mercy. He throws these great parties every time they earn the right to lose in the first round of the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament. Now his daughter plays for them too. Who are we to ignore his expertise?"-Rival Room Editors

As most of you probably know, my true passion lies in molding the lives of young people. Few forums offer the opportunity for humanitarians such as myself to positively affect America's children more than volunteering at a youth camp. For this reason, I have decided to take the position of Head Coach and Activity Coordinator at Camp Wakinajjaw in Muskegon, Michigan.

I like to be around children. Children are young and soft. They are easily tricked into thinking that bad ideas are actually good ideas. This one time, I had the Mexican neighborhood paperboy sudsy scrub my minivan for one peso...topless. Being a child, he was uninhibited and felt comfortable freeing himself of his worldly blouse. Also, he is Mexican and into sweating and finding ways to relieve himself of being overheated.

My affection for the underaged has given me great range in doing my part for the betterment of mankind. As Head Activity Coordinator, I plan to organize weekly activities that the campers look forward to. Tuesday Towel Slap and Thursday Camel Toe are two of my favorites. These activities pale in comparison to the Saturday Triatholon of a quarter mile swim, a tournament-style beach wrestling match and an ice cold shower endurance challenge.

So when are you shipping off you say? Well, camp orientation is the first week of June. This gives me plenty of time to take a low level course in first aid in order to administer campers much needed physical check-ups. Now I am not proud of clutching the undertrout of prepubescent campers, but if one of my tykes has a hernia, then I must sniff it out.

How might I get involved you might ask? You can start by hanging out at the local kindergarten and observing children's behavior. From here you can move onto more ambitious endeavors like offering the kids enticing morsels of candy. Finally, you may want to acquire a large, white, windowless minivan for conducting your research. Remember, maintaining focus is important. With a little perserverance, you too may be able to touch children in a way comparable to me.

SAY "CHEESE!" - WEDNESDAY

NBA Wives Taking New Approach to
Monitoring Their Philandering Husbands

MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD - LARRY APPLETON v. BALKI BARTOKOMOUS

by Ross Frank DiMarco III, rfdimar@pointpark.edu

Now, you might be asking yourself, “Balki and Coozin Larry were never fathers?� Ahh, how soon you forget. The final episode showed their respective wives giving birth and the show ended with a musical montage that would have made Chuck Norris cry…if he could.

The two would probably never blah, blah, blah, you know the drill. Let’s see how this one would have played out.

The fun loving Balki Bartokomous was from the beautiful country of Mypos. He came to the United States in order to have a better life and to live with his “Coozin� Larry. Balki showed so much compassion that when he won the lottery, he offered to pay Mypos’ national debt of $800.

“Coozin� Larry, on the other hand, was the more conservative and straight-edged of the dynamic duo. He was usually seen sucking up to his “way-too-hot for that guy� girlfriend, Jennifer. Sorry, but that chick was way too smokin’ for “Coozin� Larry.

Ready to brawl over a bad dish of booglie muzacman, a Myposian delicacy consisting of a pig's bladder stuffed with cheese, the two meet outside of Chicago’s Wrigley Field because they actually want to have a crowd watching. And really, who goes to White Sox games? Sorry Tello Real.

“Coozin� Larry is wearing his best “journalist� uniform of tan slacks and a blue button up shirt. Balki appears in his usual whack suspenders and sporting a Mypos traditional necklace bearing the country on the end of it (which somewhat resembles a pork shop).

“Hello there, Coozin Larry,� Balki exclaims, giving his signature exaggerated wave.

“Coozin� Larry attacks him as soon as Balki gets the words out his mouth. He jumps on his back and literally tries to rip Balki’s eyeballs out of his head.

“Coozin Larry, what are you doing?� asks Balki.

“Shut up you dim-witted twit,� “Coozin� Larry says. “I can’t stand that stupid accent anymore!�

Balki flips him over his head and starts to head butt “Coozin� Larry until he is bludgeoned on the ground.

“Coozin Larry, you really tink you can beat me up,� Balki says. “Don’t be reediculous."

He jumps on top of a nearby and performs an Eddie Guerrero type splash on “Coozin� Larry. Balki’s wife, Mary Anne, is heard screaming for joy on the sidelines.

“Go, woo, Balki, woo,� adds Wrigleyville regular, Ronnie “Woo Woo� Wickers.

“Coozin� Larry slowly rises to his feet while Balki is distracted taking pictures of “Woo Woo�. He grabs a pen from his back pocket.

“Investigative journalists always have a pen handy,� he says.

As soon as Balki turns around, “Coozin� Larry jabs the pen into his throat.

“Have fun in Mypos Heaven, bitch,� he shouts.

While gasping for air, Balki falls to his knees. “Coozin� Larry proceeds to give the pen a roundhouse kick only jamming it further into Balki’s trachea. A few seconds later, Balki can no longer breathe and quickly dies on the ground.

“Coozin� Larry spits on him as he says, “Don’t you be reediculous.�

Winner: “Coozin� Larry with a little help from The Wooster

SAY "CHEESE!" - TUESDAY

Attorneys for Duke Players to Question Credibility of Stripper.

Justice System to Inevitably Fail.

LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: HANS v. THE FIELD

by Dan Tella, draspate@indiana.edu

After making it through 4 years at Indiana University I have truly learned one thing about life: "Little 5" week(end) is the greatest college week(end) in the nation.

For those of you who don't know what The Little 500 is, it's a bike race around a quarter mile track that features exclusively Indiana University students. It lasts for two hundred laps, covering 50 miles. The race features just over 30 teams, each with 4 riders, all which have to qualify for the field. This race is so legitimately nationally recognized that cyclists actually choose to go to Indiana University just for the opportunity to participate in this event. During fraternity rush season, frats compete over the top freshman riders, doing some serious man-flirting to try to get them to represent their fraternity for years to come. Lance Armstrong called it the "coolest event I have ever attended."

I remember fall rush of my freshman year when I was rushing my soon to be fraternity, Phi Delta Theta, and the top frosh rider, Hans Arnesen came through for rush. Having been pinned as a prized prospect, he was getting more then his fair share of dude-passes before one of the older "brothers" came through the hallway and attempted to fight him. Four years later, Hans Arnesen has just won The Little 500 for Alpha Tau Omega, a rival house. That long-graduated Tommy Toughnuts from my house surely knows this, and will not soon forget. Little 5 is not your average intercollegiate sporting event.

These athletes are in tip-top shape and train throughout their collegiate careers, sacrificing many on the college traditions that all of us take for granted. Mainly, drinking. The race field features every fraternity and a few independently organized teams. The most famous of these independent teams is The Cutters because they had a 1979 Academy Award-winning movie made about them, Breaking Away. Coming up to race day the independent teams are usually heavily favored due to the fact that they are allowed to recruit talent throughout an entire college, while frats only get to choose their teams out their 100-frat-douche member pool. And this year was no exception. The two heavy favorites were the perennial powerhouses, Dodds House and The Cutters.

However, this year ATO had the top rider in the field, and arguably the field's top rider for the previous four years, the previously cited Hans Arnesen. He was head and shoulders above the rest of the field. Hans had already been named the race's Rookie of the Year in '03, MVP in '04 (the same year ATO and most of campus will argue that they got hosed so that The Cutters could win on the 25th anniversary of their inception), but still had not led his team to a Little 500 championship.

Hans had also been involved in some controversy going into this year's race. Earlier this year Hans decided to go pro in his bike racing career, which violated the Little 5 rule barring professional riders. Immediately after he made the move to become a professional rider, Indiana University lifted the ban on professional riders in the Little 500 race. Mel, Julia, got anything for me on that one?

Yet, going into the race ATO was not favored despite having the top rider in the field. ATO was very inexperienced, featuring a freshman and sophomore on their team. They also qualified 7th, which meant they had to start in the third row, behind favorites Dodds House and The Cutters.

Race Day: Every frat on campus gets loaded with the hopes of rushing the track to congratulate their riders on bringing the trophy into their house forever, or at least until their national chapter or IU kicks them off campus. Then at 2pm on Saturday afternoon, Bill Armstrong Stadium sells out for the first time all year (despite being the home field for the nation's best soccer team), and the atmosphere cannot be expressed in words. In my first three years I had never been to a race. This is a common mistake many drunken college students make at IU, and it is a mistake that they will regret. As I piled into the weak Phi Delt fan section (thanks to the awkward presence of one of our riders' rimsucker dad. I told that hillbilly that 1992 was begging for his fanny pack back, so I think he wanted to tussle), I looked around and absorbed the environment.

Most frats were smart enough to get there early enough to claim a section of seating, so the entire student section is covered in strips of guys and girls wearing their teams' letters and waving their frats' flags. Picture a soccer stadium, on a sunny spring Saturday, overflowing with drunken college students all going nuts for a single bike shared by four spandex-clad bikers. Then all of a sudden something starts, and it turns out to be the best sporting event you have ever attended. I was there when Clemens battled Wood at Wrigley for his 300th win, and at the famous Michigan v. Northwestern game when The A-Train fumbled to give NW the 54-51 victory, and this was still the greatest sporting event I have ever seen live.

The 2006 Race: ATO's strategy was obvious from the get go: Let Hans ride as many laps as he physically can. As the race developed, there were bad wrecks and bad exchanges, which Hans capitalized upon. Hans rode the first 40 laps for ATO (a move only previously attempted in the fictional movie Breaking Away), waving off his coach multiple times instead of coming in for an exchange. By the end of his run, he had already lapped the second place team. It was never a race. Hans ran 123 of his teams 200 laps, almost 31 miles. To give you an idea of how dominant that is, Phi Delts (who qualified at the same pace as ATO, putting us side by side an the race's onset) best rider rode for less than 70 laps. Watching Hans was like watching Shaq post-up a sixth grader with a clubfoot.

For the last 20 laps he enjoyed a lead that allowed near-constant coasting and fist pumping to the crowd. For the last lap he rode with no hands while giving some hand signals to his ATO cheering section. As Hans finished the race, the rest of ATO stormed the field as rival frats threw cheap elbows at them as they hopped the fence. Even though my Phi Delt team suffered two early wrecks, and was never really in the race, I remain firm in my claim that it was the best sporting event I have ever seen, containing the most dominating athletic performance I have ever seen. Hans, pro or not, my hat's off to you.

RED SOX v. YANKEES (THE HOT CHICKS VERSION)

by Ryan O'Donnell, rodonnell08@amherst.edu

Much has been overly personified about the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry when they play 431,056 times a season. Unlike other rivalries in sports, Michigan-Ohio State, Duke-UNC, Kobe-Shaq, which we only get one or two opportunities to see these teams battle creating an exponentially more exciting match-up. It’s the "first-summer-back-from-college-syndrome," where after seeing the same girls every day over four years, you knew what to expect and became complacent. But after seeing them one year later, you get a refreshing opportunity to appreciate how hot they really are.

But a rivalry that is year round, one that matters on and off the field and can make up for losing the season series does exist: Who has hotter babes on their side? Athletes are notorious for dating models, actresses, and other celebrities making their lives that much better than mine or yours. With the recent NASCAR battle between Kurt Busch’s girlfriend and Greg Biffle’s fiancée, one has to wonder about how important wives and girlfriends are to these athletes? When Varitek and A-Rod went at it two seasons ago, did Mrs. A-Rod or Mrs. Varitek want to tear each others heads off, or did they simply continue to sip on their cocktails from the comfort of the player’s wives box sections?

The Red Sox and Yankees are treated like royalty in Boston and New York respectively. Ortiz could walk down to any one of the Boston area colleges and easily hook up with 95% of the college girls and about 75% of the guys as well, both straight and gay. Apparently, part of the reason Manny always asks for a trade is because his wife is concerned with the notoriety he gets in Boston and rumors about him cheating consistently make their way around town. This must be true and potentially explains the sorry excuse for a hair style that hangs out of Manny’s helmet looking more like a wig made out of banana peels and yellow python snake skins than hair. Not many of the wives around Boston get a ton of press; they pop their heads at charity events, run the marathon once in awhile, or throw their husbands on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. In NYC, Yankee players have a golden opportunity to pick up celebrities and it’s always a big story.

So let’s take a look at the notable wives and girlfriends on each team’s roster. (By notable I clearly mean good-looking, sexy, hot, or famous)

Catcher: Posada vs. Varitek

Karen Varitek (light blue shirt): OK, so she’s pregnant all of the time which is a terrible thing for her appearance and she stays out of the limelight most of the time. Does this make her boring? Yes. Should the captain of the team be dating an omni-pregnant and normal looking woman? No. Karen Varitek could easily pass for a middle school teacher and has very little to almost zero interesting qualities.

Laura Posada: The fact that Jorge Posada, who has more shared qualities with Curious George than any other human being speaks endlessly to the FACT that baseball players date really hot girls. When I look at Posada I want to throw up for a number of reasons:

1. The fact that he plays for NYY.

2. His pathetic and (I hate this word) lucky bloop hit in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.

3. Despite being an obvious a missing link between orangutans and human beings in the evolutionary process, he is married to a really hot girl.

Winner: On the field they are two of the best at their position. Off the field, it’s painfully obvious who has made the better career move. Jorge Posada in a Laguna Beachesque landslide victory.

Infield: Alex Rodriguez vs. Mark Loretta

Hillary Loretta: Staying consistent with the very average appearance that seems to swarm the Red Sox clubhouse, Hillary Loretta is kind of a “hot when naked� type of woman. In this photo, she is clearly overdressed but something about her look and Loretta’s left hand being dangerously close to her boob makes me wonder.

Cynthia Rodriguez: Obviously this photo was done by Sports Illustrated so she’s going to look banging regardless. But it’s pretty obvious that she’s definitely wicked hot. But the question has to be raised, could A-Rod do better? When you are the highest paid athlete, shouldn’t you be dating Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, or Adrianna Lima? Oh wait, that’s who Derek Jeter dates. You know Jeter right A-Rod? The guy with four rings, who everyone respects, who always plays well, and has the right to run out of the dugout with the gay little fist pump (A gay habit you try to mimic like a little brother). A-Rod is the Chris O’Donnell to Jeter’s Val Kilmer or even better, he’s Paul Shafer to Jeter’s David Letterman

Winner: This could have been a lot more interesting had Nomar remained with the Red Sox so that we could chat about Mia Hamm. Nevertheless, the Yankees take this round again because Mark Loretta’s wife hasn’t shown it off like Cynthia.

Outfield: Manny Ramirez vs. Gary Sheffield

Juliana Ramirez: Manny met her working out at a Bally’s gym in Boston and they fell in love the way that most meat heads find their wives: Walking around in tight shirts and talking to girls while spending three-five hours at a local YMCA five days a week. When guys look to meet girls at the gym, they are NOT looking for a future wife. Chances are Manny met a new girl everyday he went to that gym, and is still probably meeting girls today. But Juliana is a hot little Latino product and Manny got to name their first son Manny Jr. which suggests that he has the power in the relationship, despite his lack of power on the field in the 2006 season.

Deleon Sheffield: Notorious for the rumors about her alleged sex video with R. Kelly, Mrs. Sheffield is definitely hot. Was she trapped in the closet or whether or not Gary would have come in during the tail end of a 'roid rage and ripped the head off of R Kelly remains a secret, but because she is over 15, it’s unlikely R. Kelly wanted anything to do with her.

Winner: This round has to go to Juliana Ramirez. Any athlete whose wife is rumored to have made a sex tape with someone who makes an entire Rap/R&B opera has serious issues. Juliana, on the other hand, seems to accept rumors of her husband cheating on her and probably gives the same lame excuse we all do in “that’s just Manny being Manny.� On looks alone it’s a toss-up depending on your tastes, but in the rumor mill, this battle goes to Mrs. Manny.

The smoking hot battle: Josh Beckett vs. Derek Jeter

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear, nobody has dated hotter chicks than Derek Jeter:

Check out his past babes:

1. Jordana Brewster: Actress/Model
2. Lara Dutta: Miss Universe from India
3. Vanessa Minnilo: Miss Teen USA
4. Adriana Lima: Victoria Secret Supermodel
5. Jessica Alba: Actress
6. Mariah Carey: He dated her five years ago before she lost her mind
7. Scarlett Johanson: Wouldn't expect he could pull of a hot, artsy chick, but he can!
   

Who could possibly have a chance against Jeter in this battle? Well nobody, but Josh Beckett is currently dating lingerie model Leeann Tweeden.

She is just simply smoking from head to toe and a lingerie model is easily the greatest invented occupation involving clothing…ever. Whatever she’s doing to Josh lately I hope she continues because Beckett has been a flamethrower since taking the mound for the Red Sox. Maybe David Wells and Keith Foulke could use a little “Tweedening� to help their pitching improve. Do you think Beckett tries to find out who hitters are dating and what their girlfriends do? Id I were dating a lingerie model, I would repeatedly attempt to get the other person to ask me:

“So what does your girlfriend do?�

“Well, it’s funny you should ask, she’s actually a type of model.�

“Oh wow, what type of model is she?�

“She’s a lingerie model (pause) pretty fucking sweet huh?�

How are you supposed to talk trash to guys like Beckett and Jeter anyways? It’s like trying to use the force against Luke Skywalker or out-promote Don King or out-father-bastards Jesse Jackson.

Winner: Nobody could possibly argue with Jeter’s resume both on and off the field. It’s like disputing General Schwarzkopf effectiveness in Operation Desert Storm. But when compared individually, rather than on the body of work, I have to give it to Beckett. Jeter is apparently dating Scarlett Johanson right now, but she denies it, he denies it, everyone denies it so he just might be single.

It’s blatantly obvious that athletes get ridiculously hot women, and in some cases they fail to capitalize on that opportunity. Guys like Jeter and Beckett have made a conscious decision to make certain they sleep with the absolutely hottest woman they can. Then there are guys like Johnny Damon, who left his wife for a stripper and repeatedly claims to have cheated on them both in his book. Damon’s ex-wife said:

“He’s actually bragging about cheating on me while I was sitting at home with the kids. And that story about the nurse at the hospital? That’s typical Johnny. He started having sex with her on the bed next to me while I was in labor. As you can imagine, I was pissed. I knew Johnny loved women, but he had never taken his obsession this far. This was the nurse that was delivering my baby, for God’s sake. Not only that, she was about 70 years old. I guess he didn’t put that in the book.�

I’m not sure how to rank that move by Damon. On the one hand he’s a complete dirtbag, on the other, he made a legendary move. Read more about this story at: http://www.thebrushback.com/damon_full.htm

So as the Red Sox and Yankees prepare for another battle down to the wire before the yanks eventually win the division and the Red Sox grab the wild card, let’s all remember the importance of having a mega-hot wife instead of a history of dating mediocrity in results of this never-ending battle.

SAY "CHEESE!" - MONDAY

Ex-Coach-Of-the-Year's Fall From Grace Continues with SMU Hiring

OUT OF HIS LEAGUE - Night Out For Young Sox

by Tello Reál, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

jer·sey cha·ser, n, A person who only pursues, or is receptive to, the advances of athletes. Most commonly women, and most commonly found on or around college campuses or professional sporting contests.

In my other life, the one that does not include stickhandling a tennis ball through the legs of my half-blind mutt, Kevin, and pretending I was Michel Goulet in NHL '94, I actually go out and try to talk to girls at bars! I usually get there and immediately pick out the girls I would most like to talk to. Like any straight male, I engage in an inner dialogue regarding whether or not the girls that are "Vince hot" would ever be charmed by my personality enough to disregard my lack of fame, fortune, or familial relationship to a celebrity. I want to be jersey-chased, if you will?

This past weekend I saw first-hand what it must be like to be one of our award winners. Every week when we give these awards, I feel like Scorcese presenting at the Oscars, thinking "maybe in high school after a 2-goal performance in my hockey game and a free throw contest victory in adapted gym I could have justified awarding myself the Jersey Chaser Target of the Week Award." But I know I never could nowadays, with no recent athletic accomplishment to refer to. I could never really see what it's like to win the soon-to-be-Sainted honor.

So when I ended up in a large booth with Jon Garland and Brian Anderson of the Chicago White Sox at a club this weekend, I knew observing them getting jersey-chased was the closest I'd ever get. So observe them I did. At times like an adoring and inquisitive tyke, but at others like a falcon in the Stalkerville moonlight.

My first attempt at contact was with Garland, who must have been like Magellanlin 'cause his hair was slicked back a la Donny Brasco. He was canoodling a typical blonde for this type of "club" (that word makes me want to punch my aunt) but after I made eye contact with him, I knew I couldn't hesitate to say my piece.

"Nice game last night, ugh, which night was that? Ugh, two nights ago!" I sputtered as he slowly nodded, as if to affirm how skeevy I must have seemed in approaching someone uninvited while he was clearly about to start bar-style making-out.

He continued the nodding action as I skyrocketed creepinessess and nodded back. Then, I did the lamest thing I've ever done in my entire life, no two ways around it. I lifted up the wrist that hosted my little plastic charity-style bracelet that I bought at Sports Authority, and am near positive goes to absolutely no charity, and shook it Montel-style at Garland. His nod actually became slower and more terror-stricken. I didn't do it as a joke, I did it because I was legitimately nervous to talk to another boy my age who just happened to be pseudo-famous.

At first I was pissed that he didn't play along and come back at me like we were two salts, but then I realized that you can't expect someone to act any more cordially than that when approached by someone acting like such a choad. He was probably once an awkward teen who can now be equallylly awkward, yet automatically fawned over by some of Chicago's finest bachelorettes. Why on earth would he be wasting this opportunity talking to me?

So I cooled off and shifted my attention to a less acclaimed member of the the World Champion Sox: 24-year-old Brian Anderson. After a rookie season that found him backing up Aaron "No Shoulders" Rowand in a very limited role, he is now the starter. The Tucson, AZ native has surely spent his life surrounded by many a' fine trophy blondes, and tonight he was clearly adding to his track record in bulk. Where Garland had one lady treating him like he was a young Brando, Anderson had at least five. As unnatural as Garland looked flanked by one floozy, Anderson looked the exact opposite when surrounded by a gaggle. His ease around these slamhogs, combined with the fact that he's significantly shorter and less muscular than most professional athletes I have stood next to, somehow prompted me to greet him with a Rick Flair-style slap to the chest, coupled with an equally cheesy "What's up Brian, you player?" However, instead of providing me with a near-snub and a discomfited glare like his buddy Garland, Anderson played right along, throwing me a nod and an eye-level handshake/Top Gun high five.

The girls giggled and nodded at me as they tightened their collective grip on Brian's loins. I beamed back and moved on, knowing that that limited interaction could not be successfully added to. But I left with a new perspective on being a Jersey Chaser Target. Where Garland was aloof and removed from the hubbub of the party, Anderson was standing in the mix, engaged with other clubgoers. Where Garland looked like a tall high school kid trying to imitate a Soprano, Anderson looked like an unassuming college kid at University of Arizona, trying to pull a threesome. And because, unlike Garland, he didn't stand around acting overly concerned with the fact he was obviously in the limelight, Anderson seemed twice as deserving of the excess female attention. By playing along with my monkey ass, he clearly prompted the girls to continue moisturization as they mused, "he's so nice and cute around his lowly fans!"

And then last night he hit is first home run as an everyday MLB-er in route to the Sox's eighth win in a row.

As he dove into the dugout and greeted the congratulations of his champion teammates, he looked just like the approachable guy from the club that surely ended his night diving into "Home Base." Over and over and over again. He was a champion amongst men, on and off of the field of play. And to Rivalfish, this week he's a weekly champion amongst men, women, children and animals. He's Rivalfish's Jersey Chaser Target of the Week. No need to follow sports through the skewed once-on-field perspective of Harold Reynolds, Mike Golich, or Barry Melrose this week. This little jersey chaser had his own taste of "the life."

So after that Novella of Groupie Glamour, I'm sure you ignant floozies are spent, and don't even care who you shouldn't do this week. So if you're going to be lazy, tell yourself that this week's least attractive male is John Garland. But I think, personally, you should nut-up immediately, and consider the fact that we at Rivalfish regularly tailor our brief featurettes to the attention spans of our cartoon-and-WonderShowzeen-addicted readership. This time I'm going to actually use the Journalism degree I lie about having and treat this like it's the New York Times Magazine. Can't you tell?

But, before you grab yourselves a water and an aspirin and get ready for the second half of this marathon naming rite, let me assure you Jersey Chasers that it'll go quickly. Keith "My Long Ago Appearance On Seinfeld Makes My Mustache Somehow Still Appropriate" Hernandez decided to open his mouth and sound exactly like a middle-aged ex-ballplayer with a lip scarf should sound.

A female trainer was spotted in the Padres dugout congratulating a player after a home run during their Saturday night loss to the Mets. Hernandez was giving color commentary at the time and exclaimed, "Who's that girl in the dugout, with the long hair? What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout........I'm not saying women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout!"

He said that on TV. And as I implied, that "girl" was not just "some girl" at all, but 33-year-old Kelly Calabrese, the Padres Head Massage Therapist. Who would have thought? Everyone is pissed at Hernandez now! And ladies, granted he later said he was kidding, but what a jerk! OMG! You just don't say things like that in today's hyper-conscious media-based society! Next time he approaches any of you with a bourbon Manhattan in the The Plaza Hotel's lobby lounge, kick him in the junk with your heels and head over to Don Mattingly at the Ritz. Whatever you do, DO NOT LAY FORMER MET'S STAR and CURRENT MET'S BROADCASTER, KEITH HERNANDEZ!

Ladies, may I quickly address Mr. Hernandez? Alright, Keith, Copadre, favorite sitcom guest appearance of all time...... you reallly brought this on yourself. I've been called a chauvinist too, but this nasally writer's voice is paid heed merely by my disgruntled girlfriend and family, at best. You're a celebrity in the nation's biggest spotlight, and you're still relevant to the nation's media considering your Mets gig, so you just can't say things like that! You should have known it would be taken out of context, and should have used that national televised opportunity to enhance your status as a lady-fiddling dynamo by saying something supportive of Ms. Calabrese, regardless of your beliefs.

Fon instance, "Hey, who's that lass on the Padres' bench? That's really good to see, women making their way into the hearts and minds of this meathead-dominated sport! I wonder how much they paid for her? I think it's really great that those players don't have to go out of their way to go beaver shootin'! If she asks for an autograph because I mentioned her on TV, I'll throw her a mustache ride as a bonus." See what I mean? Acting sexually-liberated and non-misogynistict will surely get you a lot farther in the 2000s! It's done wonders for me! Time for some video games.

Click Here To Check Out Past Winners of the Jersey-Chaser Target of the Week and Do Not Lay This Man! Awards From Rivalfish.com's Storied and Sordid Past!

OLBERMANN V. O'REILLY CHICAGO SHOWDOWN SUNDAY UPDATE

As many of you know, last week we announced our boldest national promotion yet.

Rivalfish has invited MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann and FoxNews anchor Bill O'Reilly to fly first-class to Chicago to engage in a Factual Trivia Contest, a one-piece bathing suit beauty pageant and a Greco-Roman wrestling match to determine a victor in their ongoing media battle. We expect to hear a status update from each show's producer by tomorrow afternoon and we'll let you know here first if either anchor is willing to step out of the "safety" of the newsroom. We hope both have cajones big enough to step into a Wrigleyville bar, wearing only protective headgear and a 1970s era high school wrestling jump suit. We encourage both newsmen to bring their own footwear simply because the visual juxtaposition of sweaty nylons and high-end Mephisto wingtips will really get the crowd going. We imagine the strapping 6'4" Bill O'Reilly will look as awkward as Little Jimmy (right) in his jumpsuit. Stay tuned.

SAY "CHEESE!" - SUNDAY

Hanna-Barbera Signs Shaq to Star in Scooby Doo Sequel

RIVALFISH RADIO TO PREMIERE THIS MAY

Put the blue bulb in the bathroom socket because you're not going to want easy access to your veins come this May!

Rivalfish is hitting the airwaves with its very own sports comedy radio show. Yes, you rimknuckles, put down the Tivo remote. Slow your roll, "Radio" is still an accepted communications medium in our 21st century culture.

We'll be broadcasting each week from Wrigleyville in front of a live studio audience at WGTR-Chicago, likely embarrassing our parents for perpetuating their DNA. Give Grandma Evelyn our collective apology.

Stay tuned.

SAY "CHEESE!" - SATURDAY

Reality Returns to Chicago as Cardinals Spank
Cubs and White Sox Win Their Sixth Straight

KEITH OLBERMANN AND BILL O'REILLY INVITED TO DUEL IN RIVAL ROOM

Leave your earpieces and microphones at the door. Rivalfish.com today invited MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann and FoxNews anchor Bill O’Reilly to settle their escalating media feud right here in Rivalfish’s online battling ground, “The Rival Room.�

Pulitzer and Hearst they aren’t, but these personalities duke it out each night, vying for Nielsen ratings and the corresponding advertising dollars necessary to boosting their egos. In the name of free media, the battle will be streamed live to the public at 8:00 pm EST on Friday, May 12th at Rivalfish.com.

Bringing the frontlines online to put an end to what Slate.com this week called “the greatest feud in modern journalism,� Rivalfish.com has devised a three-event competition to determine a victor between these two prime-time juggernauts.

Rivalfish.com is offering two first class plane tickets to Olbermann and O’Reilly to fly to Chicago, IL to partake in the fight. To further entice both competitors, a pre-fight all-you-can-eat buffet, drinking binge and post-fight Blues Bar outing will be footed by Rivalfish.

“If Olbermann and O’Reilly accept Rivalfish.com’s open invitation to duel, it’ll be a grander showdown than Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr’s classic 1804 clash. In fact, it’ll be the biggest battle involving a journalist since Jim Everett’s 1994 on-air attack on Jim Rome,� says Rivalfish founder Mike Raspatello.

Pitting what Slate.com calls “The Smartass� (Olbermann) against “The Bully� (O’Reilly), the following are Rivalfish’s three events in which these two will square off:

Factual Trivia Competition: Contestants will be given one minute to answer and analyze current events without relying on erroneous claims. Advantage: Olbermann.

The Beauty Pageant: Contestants will strip down to one-piece swimsuits and will be scrutinized by judges. Advantage: Olbermann, who was declared Playgirl’s #1 Newscaster Pinup in 2004, while O’Reilly’s speckled face was the subject of a lawsuit when it was spackled on the cover of Al Franken’s recent book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.

The Greco-Roman Wrestling Match: Contestants will wrestle in classic Greco-Roman fashion. Advantage: Even. O’Reilly is a hulking 6’4� Cable TV hoss but Olbermann is related (through marriage) to the animalistic Mike Tyson. No joke.

As our faithful readers know, Rivalfish.com publishes a weekly column entitled “My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad,� that pits TV sitcom characters against one-another in hilarious, fictional battles.

Says Rivalfish, Inc. founder Jonah Ansell, “We’ve been entertaining thousands of sports fans with daily satire and fictional tales of good versus evil. Now, it’s time to get to the bottom of real life feuds, and what better place to start than Olbermann v. O’Reilly?�

Neither O’Reilly nor Olbermann has yet to refuse Rivalfish’s offer.

“Our moms surely aren’t pleased that we’re becoming America’s heir to Don King, but assuming we pull this off without a hitch, our next Rival Room battle will feature Barry Bonds squaring off against the two San Francisco Chronicle journalists who penned Game of Shadows. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but is it mightier than the needle?�

Stay tuned to Rivalfish.com for more details!

###

For more background on this illustrious rivalry, checkout the great article from our friends at Slate.com: http://www.slate.com/id/2140168/ -- Rivalfish would like to thank Jack Shafer at Slate for writing the article that spurred this promotion.

###

Also, checkout this classic video at Salon.com: http://www.salon.com/ent/video_dog/media/2006/01/31/olbermann/index.html

SAY "CHEESE!" - FRIDAY