"A dear friend of Rivalfish was decidedly asked by the powers that be to vacate the premises of the Western Hemisphere. Long Story. Something about an overdue videotape. So he begged for a plane ticket from a family friend with an "in." Now he's among the Hmong people of Vietnam teaching our fine language. Or he's sitting in the woods with his laptop and lying to us all. He faxes us these letters about what's going on in OUR sporting scene, signing them with a different assumed name each time. But we all know it's Josh. He's probably just trying to show off that he still knows the most about sports, even when exiled. It's really pretty impressive, so we're going to post his letters without his permission!"- Rival Room Editor
Jim Hendry, clean out your desk and be out of the building by noon. If the Cubs are to finally ditch the still-longest-running-championship-drought in sports, the team needs a wake up call, starting with the dismissal of Hendry. If there is anything that I am sicker of than the Cubs losing, it is the people who continuously describe Hendry as a “Great Baseball Guy.� Pardon my French, but what the f*ck does that actually mean? It certainly can’t mean that he makes good baseball decisions, as someone who did that could certainly turn a
team with the NL’s second highest payroll into better than fifth place in the NL Central. It can’t mean that he was a great player, as in the statement “Bob Eucker was a great baseball guy.� Maybe it has to do with the fact that other “Great Baseball Guys� aka “other assholes with silver GM spoons in their incompetent mouths� think that Hendry can hold down his shit during the 2:00 AM “I Never� drinking game at the Winter Meetings. Or it could be that his face looks like a baseball I used to have that had gone through three seasons of little league practice and fetch with my old mongrel.
Everyone says that when a team is losing, you can’t blame the manager, and that the onus should be on the players to perform up to their expectations. I don’t think that Baker can be totally exonerated, but maybe they have a point. Is there really anyone in America,
besideds Jim Hendry and Dusty Baker, who don’t think the Cubs are performing
as expected this year? A roster full of offensive holes last year got worse, and now they act surprised when the team loses games. I would have loved to have been there at the meeting when Hendry decided to sign Jacque Jones, it would rank right up there with “Crystal Pepsi can’t miss!� and the
Waterworld pitch meeting as the worst meetings ever. What makes this season especially hard to take, is that there were several moves that
could have been made over the offseason to improve the Cubs chances at winning, moves that for one reason or another were not made by Hendry.
Non-Move #1: Trade Miguel Tejada for Mark Prior.Sportswriters now like to say that in retrospect, this move should have been made. Retrospect my ass, this move just should have been made. When the opportunity came about that Miguel T
ejada was displeased with his team over its inability to spend money and compete with the other powerhouses in the AL East, we should have sent everyone but Derrek Lee to Camden Yards. But the Orioles were pitching-hungry, and as the Cubs endlessly pondered the possibility of letting Mark Prior go, the window finally closed and Tejada reneged on his trade request. The Cubs missed the opportunity to add the best shortstop in baseball, because they didn’t want to part with the third guy in our rotation, an
injury prone she-male, who “big shocker� hasn’t played baseball this year. This trade should have been made, and it is all Hendry’s fault for not making it happen. Or maybe it was the right move, as the Cubs ranking last in baseball in average with runners in scoring position can’t really be the reason that we are losing so many ballgames, can it?
Non-Move #2: Not going all-out to sign Brian Giles to a nice, long juicy contract.This really pisses me off. Not only is Brian Giles exactly the kind of left-handed, power-hitting right fielder the Cubs needed who not on the team right now, he was never even mentioned as a possibility during the offseason. His power struggles in the extended right-field porch of Petco Park were well documented the last couple of years, but the Padres
were somehow able to convince him to re-up. I guess at least he didn’t end up with the Cardinals, who were the other team that were targeting him. This guy would have been such a perfect fit for this team it makes me sick. He is an All-Star, with experience playing in the NL Central. If there is anything that the General Manager of the Cubs should know, is that the right field bleacher bums of Wrigley Field get drunker and rowdier than any other fans in baseball. In previous years, we have had Andre Dawson out there, and even with ten Courage Beers to fuel your heckling powers, any idiot knows that you don’t f*ck with The Hawk. Sammy Sosa was the face of the Cubs for the years since then, and even towards the end, the ire he received was mostly in the clubhouse. The right-field fans still loved to see his pregame sprints and opposite field “Jomers.� Now you put that washed up Twinkie, Jones, out there, and he is nearly sent into a coma by an errant ball sent back by a drunk woman, errant only in the fact that it didn’t hit him. Just like you need a groundball inducing pitcher in Coors Field, you need a strong right fielder to succeed in Wrigley.
Non-Move #3: Not Getting a Frontline Starter This Offseason Mark Prior, Kerry Wood. In Hendry’s mind this is the 1-2 punch that will win playoff series, when in actuality Zambrano is better than both of them. Both of these dopes were out until June, which means they won’t be the least bit effective until mid-June/July at the earliest. In response to this obvious need Hendry bravely went out and picked up Wade Miller, who won’t be ready until mid-August. Sweet. You know, the Cubs could alleviate all this concern if they would let the fans know that their plan all along was to win every single game they play in August and September to make the playoffs. Which, at this point, is probably what they will have to do. So instead we had starts by Jerome “Where the f*ck am I now� Williams,
Glendon “I suck at pitching, batting, and every other aspect of the game of baseball� Rusch, and brought up highly touted farmhand Rich Hill just long enough to get punked out by the White Sox and shatter his fragile confidence, adding another name to the “He might be successful someday, just not with the Cubs� list of recent system departures.
Oh sure, you might say, “It isn’t Hendry’s fault, he can’t predict injuries to Dere
k Lee, Mark Prior, and Kerry Wood.� First of all, even
Ms. Cleo could have predicted the injuries to Prior and Wood. Secondly, the job of a GM is to provide talented players to allow the manager a chance to win. His job is not to say to himself, “Man I sure hope Derek Lee doesn’t get injured, then we are totally screwed.� Injuries happen, and the GM has to prepare for every contingency,
especially one as devastating to your offense and defense as losing Lee. Gee, maybe we could have even signed Nomar, who had offered to move to left field to stay with the Cubs. But Hendry said, “We don’t have room for a Nomar Garciaparra on this roster.� Is that right Jimbo? What about now, do you think we could use Nomar, his positional versatility, and his 30 RBIs and .365 average? No, let’s sign Neifi Perez to a two year deal instead.
Hendry has been as impotent as Sir Smoke-A-Lot in the trade and free agent market, trying to offset the loss of Lee. His recent franchise-saving move? Signing and promoting Tony Womack. I guess his theory is to fool other teams into thinking that the Cubs have an identical player in Jerry Hairston, Neifi Perez, and Tony Womack. In actuality, Perez is a slap hitter, Hairston is a push hitter, and Womack is at his best when hitting off a tee.
Okay, once we fire Jim Hendry, now what? Don’t stop there I say, get rid of the guy that is in charge of this circus, Andy McPhail, another one of those “Great Baseball Guys.� Once he is gone, we must initiate step two of the Heath Shuler Fixes the Cubs miracle program. Hire me as Team President and General Manager,
not as your Congressman, as I don’t want anyone second guessing my decrees. I will take care of the rest and deliver the Cubs to the Promised Land.
Love,
Heath
