SAY "CHEESE!" - THURSDAY

NFL Doomed as Gatlin Soon to Introduce Players to Steroids, Testosterone

HOW TO IGNORE YOUR LOVED ONES THIS WEEK.....

Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s the definitive list of what each person in the city of Chicago should do on a daily basis to pay heed to their sporting itch. Vagisil is recommended for your other itch.. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor

THURSDAY: To Watch Others Exercise/Watch Girls Jump. Player's Sport & Social Club Coed 6A Vollyball. Serve Us a Cocktail v. Chuckers. St. Andrew Gym @1646 W. Addison. 7:30pm. Free. Can Serve Us a Cocktail go undefeated? A perfect 22-0 season? Well, all they have to do is beat the notoriously underachieving Chuckers, coming in at 7-11. It makes absolutely no sense to me why the Chuckers have played fewer games. This league is a joke! Fixed, I tell you! On that note, let's raise money to pay off the judges and plot the greatest upset in Chicago Recreational Coed Volleyball history. I'll have Misty May and Kerri Walsh on the horn in a minute. Let's do this thing!

FRIDAY: To Run a Triathlon/See the Glass Half-Full. 14^th Annual Optimist Triathlon. Winona Lake Park @ Warsaw, Indiana. Registration Begins. $49.00. I couldn't wait either, as Friday is the first day to sign up for next June's triathlon. Don't worry, no need to venture into that scary crimson state to our east, at least until raceday, as registration can be done online. While I have no idea what an "optimist club" is, I think I'm probably right-on when I say that its members are probably maddeningly friendly. There are only 650 spots available, so if you don't sign up soon, you'll never have any friends again, your spouse will leave you, and you'll become obese. I guess I'm not cut out for the club.

SATURDAY: To Attend/Support Title IX. UIC Flames Men's Basketball v. Youngstown State. UIC Pavilion @ 525 S. Racine. 2pm. $15-$35. In the '80s, UIC Flames Ice Hockey was Chicago's true home team. Cheaper than the Hawks and full of regional rivalries, the Flames packed the Pavilion nightly with aspiring hockey stars and their bankrolling parents. Then Title IX reared its ugly head and forced the school to choose between Men's Basketball and Men's Ice Hockey. Hockey lost, and so did the city of Chicago. Literally, as I don't think the Hawks have won since. So cut your losses and help cheer the survivors of this whole mess to a Horizon League title.

SUNDAY: To Walk/Run/Rub It In. Jingle Bell Run/Walk For Arthritis 5K. Start at 320 N. Wells. 8am. $10-$30 Donation. Nothing like running and walking for the sake of people who can't do it comfortably themselves. It's like having a Homemade Ice Cream contest to raise money for lactose intolerant people. Nevertheless, check out this site for the snazzy real-time donations counter, which they've probably rigged in order to spur peer-pressure based contributions. Also, decorate your clothes with bells, tinsel, and crucifixes to add to the spirit of the event.

MONDAY: To Watch/Realize You're A Coward. On Any Sunday (1971). Directed by Bruce Brown. ESPN Classic. 7pm. Yes, the guy who brought us the radical surfer film, Endless Summer, followed it up with a much-less-popular documentary about motorcycle racers and enthusiasts. Looking for some starpower, Brown focuses on Steve McQueen, right before he resorted to taking coffee enemas instead of chemotherapy treatments. Sad story; even sadder than the limited commercial success of this film. Thankfully, ESPN's "Reel Classics" series has brought it back to life. Unfortunately, they can't do the same for everyone's mom's first crush, the "King of Cool."

TUESDAY: To See Pro Hockey/Support a Winner. Chicago Wolves vs. San Antonio Rampage. Allstate Arena @ 6920 Manheim Road, Rosemont. 7pm. $9 - $48. Well, technically it is professional, as the players get paid about as much as your local schoolteacher. And when it comes to winning, the Wolves have taken home three Turner Cups (AHL equivalent of the Stanley Cup) in the past ten years. So I guess Chicago didn't actually lose out in hockey. While these guys may not be able to stickhandle, shoot, pass, or score, they sure as hell can fight. And let's be honest, why do you go to hockey games? You bullies, I go for the cool last names like Krychwkski and Andropaloviquen.

WEDNESDAY: To Spend Some Loot/Be a Runway Model. Sitzmark Ski & Social Club Winter Sports Apparel Sale and Fashion Show. El Barrio Restaurant @ 1122 Diamond Lake Road, Mundelein. 7:30 pm. Free. Although winter sports are the one realm in which neon remains in style, you may want to update your wardrobe with advances in Gore-Tex technology. And besides, there's nothing like checking out runway models covered from head-to-toe in curve-covering down. So drive out to Mundelein, wherever the hell that is, and if you're early enough, you can sign up to be a model yourself! Is it just me, or does a Mexican restaurant seem like the wrong place for a Ski Club meeting? Oh wait; it's a drinking club too. Nevermind, it makes perfect sense.

THIRSTY THURSDAY

by III, wald66@hotmail.com

It’s that special time of week where college students, young professionals, distressed husbands/fathers and, yes, even the celebrities of the world forget about life for a second and just go get hammered. Since I, myself, have been thirsty on Thursdays for quite some time now, I have taken it upon myself, as an expert, to search for the professional athlete, movie star, musician, etc. that is most likely to be seen at the happy hour special down the street, hitting on bartenders and puking in bathroom stalls. I will suggest a specific number of drinks for each of these lucky persons that will allow them to either drown away their sorrows or soak up their successes.

So guys grab your balls and ladies clench your breasts (unless you’re Hillary Clinton, in which case grab your balls as well) and lets hop on the roller coaster ride that is Rivalfish’s Thirsty Thursday.

Note: A longtime Thirsty Thursday fan has requested that I stop ranting for multiple paragraphs on one person and touch briefly on multiple people who should be getting blasted this week. And since he is the only person that reads my ridiculous articles, I gotta keep the customer happy.

Kevin Federline

Whoops! K Fed broke the golden rule of having a sugar momma - keep the bitch happy. If Brittany wants to throw in a dip and listen to Billy Ray Cyrus, you damn well better aid her in achieving that ultimate redneck hillbilly high that she’s been craving since “Oops I Did it Again.” I got your next rap song for you K-Fed. It’s called, “Oh, I thought she liked me.”

Recommendation: 8 Old English 40’s and a can of Mint Skoal.

Tony Romo

I knew a guy in college that was in my fraternity who went by the nickname “Romo.” Nice kid, he just didn’t fit the mold of what some may refer to as an “athlete.” He once struck out in intramural softball on 3 straight pitches…LOOKING! So when I heard a guy named Romo would be starting for the Dallas Cowboys, I instantly had my doubts. It’s kind of like if the Yankees signed a guy named Screech. You would be a bit skeptical, right? But low and behold, the guy is legit. I haven’t jumped on the bandwagon yet, but the guy has gone from being an undrafted benchwarmer, to an NFL Super Stud. And he’s banging Jessica Simpson.

Recommendation: Some fine Italian vino and some of that edible lipstick that Jessica was promoting that gave her the shits.

Plaxico Burress

Or should I say “Plexiglass Burress?” Or how about “Dropsico Burress?” Not only did you cost me about $100 bucks with your little girl antics, but you also cost me fantasy points. Did you not know that I needed that extra 5 points in my league to make a run at the playoffs? I spoke with Coughlin before the game and it seemed like we had an understanding that you were to try and make plays, and not give up on balls like a first-time lesbian.

Recommendation: 10 Budweisers to help you man yourself up a little bit.

Ohio State

God, I hate the Buckeyes. I hate Tressel and his sweater vests. He’s not fooling anyone with that “I wear sweater vests in 95 degree heat so I’m a good guy” vibe he’s trying to send out. His football program is one of the most crooked in the entire league, and if you don’t know that, then you’ve fallen under his spell. Do you really believe he had no idea what was going on with Maurice Clarrett? Is it a coincidence that Dick Tressel, Sweater Vest’s brother, is head of the “summer jobs program” for the football team? You think he had no idea that Troy Smith got money under the table from a booster? These coaches know everything. Get one thing straight- college football is a business. Tressel is the CEO of the company. You can call him Kenneth Lay if you so please. OSU is basically the New York Yankees of college sports, only they do it illegally. Don’t get me wrong, I think college players should be getting some sort of payout for bringing in so much money to their school, but that’s a whole different topic. They may be ranked number 1 in basketball and football, but you give me a couple million dollars and I’ll have a D-1 football and basketball team put together in 2 weeks.

Recommendation: 10 bottles of Cristal for each of the players and their families…Trust me, OSU has the money.

SURPRISE! SURPRISE! - WEEK 13 FANTASY FOOTBALL PREVIEW

by Adam Briner, Fantasy Guru, adamcbriner@yahoo.com

Every once in a while the world of fantasy football will surprise the hell out of you. Last week, it did me. I’m proud of my official guru status and, in fact, generally introduce myself to complete strangers as such. I actually made them put it on my driver’s license. I tell everyone that I am never surprised in the realm o’ fantasy football.

That said I never get fantasy snuck up on. Needless to say, I was surprised to find out that I was surprised.

Let me explain. I’m in two leagues. One is a friendly league among my college buddies. The other is with the writers for Rivalfish.com. Because this group of swashbuckling gambling addicts can't do anything without risking at least a month’s rent. Plus, because we Rivalfish folk don’t want this to be fun, we make it winner takes all. Fifty bucks a piece and first place gets it all. Sounds like a formula for fist fights and more GA meetings – aka, fun.

By the way, we tend to live in places where 50 bucks covers rent for a month.

I’ve been in spot one or two in that league throughout most of the year – barely. I’ve relied on Donovan McNabb to keep me on top. Well, guess what! One tackle, a busted knee, and an addition to the injured reserve list later and my life is ruined.

50 bucks, just so you know, is enough to ruin my life.

Then the surprise happened. The moment that I clicked the option to start Tony Romo, my heart sank. “While I’m at it, and since it’s all over anyways, I might as well take a chance on Joseph Addai,” thought I. The key was that I was out of it, so what did it matter.

Little did I know, it wasn’t all over. At least for one week, it was the best thing that could have happened. Romo threw four five tds and Addai ran for four more. Surprise! The rest of my team played average games, but who cares? All this happened in the week I played the first place guy. Now I’m the first place team, and I can blame Tony and Joey for that.

So what does my accidental success mean in terms of fantasy football strategy? Should every team be fighting for Tony Romo as a starter? Absolutely not. I wouldn’t encourage you to acknowledge Romo’s existence, let alone put on your all important fantasy roster. The point is that sometimes what you least expect to be successful is.

You’ve endured an entire season of the Edge? Bench him. You never know what you might get out of Brandon Jacobs (he had a TD last week). Deshaun Foster’s suckiness been ruining your everyday life? Marion Barber has been on fire for the last 3 weeks and is available in over a third of the leagues. Put him in.

We tend to fall in love with the team we drafted. Actually, we fall in love with their performances from years past. Randy Moss, Jamal Lewis, there are still teams in some leagues that have Priest Holmes. These guys were great a few years ago – first round draft picks, in fact – but they flat-out suck now. Don’t play them.

It’s time to take a gamble on those borderline plays. No one has a team full of sure things. Otherwise, they would be in first and not need this. I’m not suggesting you bench your all-stars. I am suggesting you stop sleeping on your sleepers.

So take a gamble. Some of you are going to have to gamble just to get over the injury lump. I had to. But some of you just want to gamble. It’s just what you like to do.

If that’s the case, you should get a job writing for Rivalfish.

SAY "CHEESE!" - WEDNESDAY

Bonds Vows to Break HR Record at Rookie Playing Weight

THE PRODIGAL QB RETURNS

"This time he's coming at you like a coked-up Johnny Cochran at a Klan rally, telling criminals where they ought to BE! And that be prison. Now make sure you scrub between your toes you cute little Tilapia filet. Without further ado, here's the most sought-after free agent in the sports blogger community, The Angry T, from www.theangryt.com. Hopefully this will cheer him up. If not, we suggest a warm bath and a lilac facial mask." - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

By The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com, www.theangryt.com

While you were eating your Thanksgiving turkey this year, Matt Millen and the Ford Family were chocking down a heaping helping of crow, courtesy of everyone’s favorite alleged homosexual, John Joseph Harrington. Despite the fact that I am a Lions fan, I can state unequivocally that I was the happiest I have been during a Lions game in a long time. While I disliked Harrington for his limp-wristed tosses while he was the Lions’ QB, I have a special place in my heart for Matt Millen, and Harrington sure did make Millen look like an idiot on Thursday. I can only imagine what was going on under Millen’s sloped Neanderthal forehead during that game. Pretty Boy Harrington throws 3 TDs in route to a total dismantling of Millen’s brainchild (term used very loosely), the Detroit Lions. Harrington has now led the resurgent Dolphins to four straight wins, something he never came close to doing in Detroit. While Harrington was very average in Detroit, this season’s Lions team is proving that Harrington played a relatively small part in the team’s disgraceful record during the Millen era.

The “Fire Millen” column has been written so many times over the past year that I will spare you the time of reading another. However, I will offer up this question: Can you think of someone who has done his job more poorly than Matt Millen has done as GM of the Detroit Lions? A few people immediately come to mind. The captain of the Exxon Valdez who dumped all that oil on those cute seals in Alaska is one. Ron Artest is another. Rons’s debut album, My World, was pretty disappointing ( 343 copies sold in the first week) and based on that, I would say he did a pretty poor job. Despite awe-inspiring work in Blue Chips, big Shaq Diesel turned in a couple critically un-acclaimed performances in Kazaam and Steel. Bryant “Big Country” Reeves did a great job of collecting $50 million for his “play” with the Vancouver Grizzles. Unfortunately, the team expected him to actually get on the court for that money, so depending on whose side you take in the issue; Bryant may have done a pretty terrible job in that situation.

I watched about 6 seconds of the movie Anaconda this weekend and Ice Cube did a poor job of making me believe that the guy from NWA would be anywhere near the Amazon, much less looking for snakes (“They got snakes out there this big?”) Finally, Zeke has done a pretty bad job managing the New York Knicks. In fact, have you ever seen Thomas and Millen in the same place at the same time? I know I haven’t. Plus, don’t they kind of look alike? Just something to think about. But alas, none of these people have done their job as poorly as Millen has done his.

There is only one man whose blatant mistakes reach a Millen-like level of futility. His countless errors have played out in front of millions yet management refuses to replace this man. His gross miscalculations and mismanagement of key situations has led to decisions that affected or even ended the careers of some great athletes.

Earl Hebnor is one of the longest tenured referees in the history of professional wrestling. He has presided over hundred of title matches over a few decades. Despite his longevity, this guy has been screwing things up almost since day one. I mean, how many times is he going to miss the outside interference from the managers? And Earl, would you mind checking Stephen Regal’s tights for brass knuckles? Also, check Mr. Fuji’s pockets for the salt that he will inevitably throw in someone’s eyes. Everyone in the arena, except you, knows these guys bring foreign objects to the ring. It is pathetic how many times you have screwed up. If you had any dignity you would have retired on your own accord by this point. Let me give you another little tip Earl; keep an eye out for the steel chair. You miss about 80 percent of illegal steel chair use in a given match. Finally Earl, get in position and stop getting knocked unconscious. It seems whenever my favorite WWE superstar is about to win the title, you get knocked out and are unable to complete the 1-2-3 count. But seriously, I have probably seen you knocked unconscious like 15 times and that could mean a lot of concussions. You really might want to find a good neurologist and get that checked out.

So Lions fans, leave the “Fire Millen” signs home this week, and make sure to wear, for the reasons above and countless other gaffes in this man’s career, a “Fire Hebnor” sandwich board.

SIXTH MAN of the YEAR?

by Nick Hryhorczuk, mukola@gmail.com

“That rule was borne out of some thing I saw when I first got the job that didn’t look good.” Paxson said. “It was more out of uniformity than anything else. It’s not meant in any way to stifle anybody’s individuality or creativity.”

You sign Ben Wallace to a 60 million dollar deal. The guy has been more than consistent in the past- he has been an All-Star center in a league that lacks All-Star centers. Ben Wallace does not have the size of a Shaq, but he makes up for it with his bravado.

2006. Enter the Chicago Bulls- led by two former bench players- John Paxson and Scott Skiles. I caution using the word warmers because I believe Skiles still holds the records for most assists in a game, and Paxson made some very big shots in his career. To counter the former, nearly all of Skiles assists were to a young and unstoppable Shaquille O’Neal. I can also confidently say, though my memory escapes me at the moment, that none of Paxson’s “big shots” were self-made. They were the scraps of the greatest player to ever play the game.

These two former players (I use that word loosely) are running an AYSO-style basketball team. The only problem is that this is the NBA. Skiles, like a father coaching his bum kid, treats the starting line-up as some sort of reward for hustle in practice. Enough with having Chris Duhon leading the way with minutes left in the game. Skiles must certainly see a little of himself in Chris. May I remind the world that Chris Duhon was a second round pick, and although there have been great players who have emerged from such depths, I can’t believe that Duhon was “their man” all along when they went ahead and drafted BEN GORDON 3rd overall.

I could write a book on this stuff. So before I loose the next few weeks of my life- let me come back to Big Ben. He is not a draft pick who needs to prove himself to anybody. Ben Wallace is better than you, Skiles. He is better than you, Paxson. He is twice as good as either of you ever were in your careers. Yet he is benched for wearing a head-band. He is forced to tape his ankles. He is not allowed to listen to his music before the game. Well there you go. Spend 60 million on a player- and try to reinvent him. This ship is sinking fast, and if I were Ben Wallace I’d embroider "6^th Man" onto my headband and wear it to every game out of spite.

DOES REX REALLY WAX HIS EYEBROWS? THAT'S GROSS, MAN!

by Zach Crantz, zcrantz@gmail.com

If you’re not currently living in Chicago then you’ve probably never heard the stupid “We’re bringing Rexy Back” song that some stations play on the radio. Don’t worry, you’re not missing much because it’s about as funny as testicular strangulation. Anyways, I’m mentioning it because it confirms my suspicion that the city of Chicago is becoming more and more obsessed with Rex Grossman for all the wrong reasons. I hate to say it but he is about as streaky a player as that stereotypical college athlete who ruins a potential professional career by extending his ‘adolescent drug stage’ into a drastically protruding third trimester. For some reason the average Bears fan avoids Rex’s streakiness factor like an ex-girlfriend with cold sores by instead focusing discussions on stupid things like, for example, the shape of his eyebrows.

As I cautiously avoid female Asian drivers while making my way to work I often listen to the radio. One of my occasional stops is 101.9’s The Eric and Kathy Show because I think Eric is the epitome of a d-bag and he makes me laugh because of it. Not too long ago (I think it was after the scare in AZ), Eric was ranting and raving about Rex having his eyebrows waxed to perfection. There are few trivial things more emasculating than being accused of waxing your eyebrows. I know from experience, because my friends asked me if I wax my eyebrows last weekend and, I must admit, such an inquiry really does have the capacity to rattle a young man. It’s an awkward and embarrassing question to be asked. The feelings it evoked were somewhat similar to the feeling you get when you’re accused of going the wrong way down a one-way street and/or talking with an intentional lisp.

Personally, like myself, I don’t think Rex is a waxer. But honestly, who really cares if he does wax his brows? I don’t really care if he gets manicures and individually plucks every hair off of his body with a rusty monkey wrench. I don’t even care if he waxes his pet ferret’s anus hair. The real issue at hand here is that he is an inconsistent quarterback and people need to stop talking about his personal maintenance habits because it’s making him throw the ball everywhere except for the ole' bread basket.

I decided that this is undoubtedly the reason for Rex’s inability to control his arm; the eyebrow waxing accusations are really getting to his head. I also just now decided that hypocrisy is a little like Communism. On top of that, I just decided that if I ever catch one of my future sons waxing his eyebrows I will instantly ground him. But instead of grounding him to his room I’m going to ground him to the library or to an Oprah show or something like that because, if he ends up anything like me, in his bed, right in front of the TV will be his favorite place in the world. That’s where I was when I watched Sunday’s game. I took two Vicodins before the Bears v. Pats game because I knew it would be painful. This definitely curbed the pain but it also led to my brain creating lots of echoes that didn’t really exist, which made the game that much more annoying to watch.

I’m not a professional statistician (clearly, because I had to spell check the word) but I can recognize sloppy football when it is shoved down my visual esophagus. Even as a layman watching the game, it was clear to me that what I was watching was just plain sloppy football. I think there was a total of 9 turnovers. There were 2 Brady interceptions and 3 Grossman interceptions. Things got so out of hand that even my girlfriend started screaming at the TV. At one point, right before a New England punt, she yelled: “Just kick the ball right to Devin Harris.” I then proceeded to laugh very hard in my head, and she of course, didn’t notice my amusement. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she meant to say “Devin Hester” because I was laughing too hard on the inside while envisioning the former Badger basketball player returning a punt in his Mavericks jersey (I never let myself feel guilty in these situations because I’m sure she internalizes laughter when I get the names of her favorite purse designers mixed up and other shit like that). Anyways, all tangents aside, I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to say: the Bears don’t look like the team they were just a month ago and it’s mostly the public’s own damn fault.

I think two things need to happen to jumpstart this season back to normality:

1.) First, Urlacher needs to officially redefine “The Right to Bear Arms.” Yes, I do mean the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. First of all, I’d like to say that it’s nice that Urlacher took this Amendment literally (yes- he has bear arms), but I do think that he could even take it a bit further. “The Right to Bear Arms” should come to mean that only Bears players are allowed to use their arms during the game; it will be Brian Urlacher’s job to enforce this new rule. This should help reestablish Rex’s recently dwindling focus which, once again, is due solely to talk of his supposed eyebrow waxing. It will also help him when it comes to not throwing interceptions and, more importantly, other teams’ players will be unable to do the referee-version of the taunting call (which will save us some serious face).

2.) Second, people need to seriously reconsider their chatter about Rex’s neat eyebrows. It’s really tearing him up inside. I know most people think that men who wax their eyebrows are about as cool as those parents who dressed up their speech impediment-plagued son, you know the one who can’t say his ‘R’s, as a damned pirate for Halloween… but honestly, give the poor guy a break. You know how you’re capable of convincing yourself that you’re a lot more athletic than you really are? Like in the shower when the soap slips out of one hand and falls into the other. Or when a soup can falls out of a cupboard and you actually catch it and you can’t help but start to feel like Spider Man? Well, Rex is the same way with his eyebrows. When people accuse him of waxing his eyebrows he starts to convince himself that he is more feminine than he really is. So, if we let this shitty article be the last mention of Rex’s eyebrows then “the Bears” will start playing more like “Da Bears” and maybe we’ll actually be able to do the Super Bowl Shuffle once again.

SAY "CHEESE!" - MONDAY

Michigan Defensive Back's Sound Beating of Girlfriend Unable to Prevent USC Takeover of BCS #2 Ranking

DON'T SAY WE NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR YA!

Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s our first attempt. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor

THURSDAY: To Remember/ To Celebrate. Thanksgiving Re-enactments. All Over America. Free/Jail-Time.
The only actual thing to do in the sporting world today is watch stupid football games in Dallas and Detroit. But you don't want to be like everyone else, and you have a penchant for history. So recreate Thanksgiving on your block. Find the people who have lived on your block before any other present inhabitants had moved in, poison them with what seems to be a gift, and then invite them over like nothing happened.

FRIDAY: To Date Like a Square/Hit the Ice. McCormick Tribune Millennium Park Ice Rink. 55 N. Michigan. 10am-10pm. Free, $7 Skate Rental. How many Chicago landmark/entity names are we trying to fit in one location there guys? There's going to be people showing up at McCormick place with their figure skates and significant others while businessman file in and out with their little placards around their necks talking about the latest in plastic contraceptive virus cables, or something like that. No one looks cool ice skating, unless you're a hockey player. And don't bring a girl here if she used to skate competitively and you are just the average Joe. Ask first, or look like a douche.

SATURDAY: To Watch/ Have Excuse to Day Drink. #3 USC v. #5 Notre Dame. Compton, CA. ABC. 7:00pm. It has not stopped being cool to me that USC plays in Compton. Compton is for two things: producing gangster rappers and providing the backdrop for John Singleton movies. It also fascinates me that the entire population of Chicago tries to pretend that Notre Dame is a local team. You silly Jesuits! We have Loyola right in the backyard! I haven't seen their football team lose all season!

SUNDAY: To Hit The Road/ Check Out Some Pigskin-Bears @ Patriots. Foxboro, MA. 3:15pm. $25-$75 + $2,438 for gas. Do you call yourself a true Bears fan? Well how many road games have you traveled to this year? Hell, how many home games have you attended? Prove me wrong and get off your tryptophan-laden rumps and drive across the country to one place colder than here. And you heard it hear first: Tom Brady is better than Rex Grossman.

MONDAY: To Break a Sweat/Skate Like the Pros- Johnny's Ice House. 1350 W. Madison. 1:30 - 3:30pm. Expensive. Rent out the ice where the pros come to practice when they are in town to play the Blackhawks. The Hawks, Avalanche, Red Wings, Bruins, Wild, and Capitals all practice here on the road, right down the street from where our hometown Indians lose 80% of the time they hit the United Center ice. So buy the two hours of ice time that are still available, get together all your has-been friends, dress up like the Hawks of the early 90s, and actually play decent hockey. It's one of those gigs where it's so expensive you have to call to see how much it costs. So call Kevin Rosenquist at 312.226.5555 ext. 17, or e-mail him at kevin@johnnysicehouse.com and try to talk that shyster down.

TUESDAY: To Say You Read/ Look At Pictures. ESPN Ultimate Highlight Reel: The 365 Wildest, Weirdest, Most Unforgettable Sportscenter Moments of All Time. ESPN Books. $19.77. Avoiding ESPN isn't as easy as throwing away your television anymore. Now they have cut an pasted every crazy image from their Emmy-winning daily and put in on your coffee table. But, I guess if your wife or girlfriend has been giving you crap about not reading, here's your ammo. Just don't let her see the extremely incriminating cover or show her the snapshot of that wicked catch our boy Juan Uribe made to clinch the World Series for the Sox last year. Now I must go weep.

WEDNESDAY: To Watch/ Be Inspired/ To Weep. Marshall University: Ashes to Glory. Docurama. $20.19. I'm actually not going to make a joke for once. This makes Rudy look like some pansy who doesn't deserve the attention of a fat girl who claims she has a problem with anorexia. Probably much more accurate than the movie We Are Marshall coming out at Christmas time, this documentary chronicles how a grief-stricken football team rose from unfathomable ruin and despair to achieve one of the most remarkable and triumphant victories in the history of sports. It was the fall of 1970 when a chartered plane carrying Marshall University's Thundering Herd football team, coaches, and leading supporters across West Virginia crashed, leaving no survivors. In the face of crushing heartbreak, a young coach named Jack Lengyel took over the devastated program. Honoring the memories of those who died, Lengyel and the five players who were not on the doomed flight found the strength and courage to patch together a ragtag team that would overcome the odds and triumph despite catastrophe.

Top Ten Things To Do With Your Family’s Leftover Turkey Carcass After the Big Feast

by Zach Crantz, zcrantz@gmail.com

1o. Give it to your neighbor’s dog and place bets with your cousins and brothers as to how long it will take for good old Spot to choke to death on a little bone.

9. Put it on Ebay and say it is blessed by Tom Cruise’s scientology leader and wait to see how long it takes Darren “Dutch” Daulton to bid on it.

8. Feed it to your deranged little cocker spaniel that your parents have had chained to the house’s main support beam in the basement since 1999.

7. Tell your Grandparents that, according to your easily-offended foreign girlfriend, it is customary that the elders of any given familial circle marinate it with their own urine. Then watch.

6. Put it on your head, go knock on an unassuming neighbor’s door, and say (in a dully-echoed voice): “Trick or Treat, bitch.”

5. Tell your vegan sister that it is a new breed of meat that they kill before it is even born and then casually toss it to her like it’s an old weathered pigskin.

4. Go into the city and use it to bargain with homeless people for cool drugs you’ve yet to try.

3. Put it on your favorite Italian friend’s bed after he falls asleep, videotape his reaction when he finds it, and ‘YouTube’ the fuck out of the footage.

2. Reheat it and pay a washed-up actor to pull an “American Pie” on it (preferably one from the actual movie).

1. And finally for my decidedly favorite option You have to start this one off by being piss drunk off of cheap beer. Then right as your dad is carving the last piece off of the carcass, pull an Elliot from E.T. by yanking it off the table and “freeing it” from your family’s evil clutches. Then spike it on the freshly polished wooden floor and say in as creepy a voice as you can possibly muster “E.T. phone home.”

I really don’t know how my mind develops these strange ideas but I hope some of you actually try them or, if nothing more, that maybe some of you laughed at them. Good luck, Best wishes, and Happy Thanksgiving.

SAY "CHEESE" - WEDNESDAY

Rivalfish, inc's one asset and raison d'etre is the radical artwork of one man: Ben Rosa. Rosa produced our trademarked "Fish Eat Fish" design, as well as countless other designs we are yet to drop on the pizzopulace. Recently, he gave us a reason to go on....by procreating with his lovely wife. We present to you, Dyana Rosa, his beautiful new daughter. Nothing's more adorable than a newborn covered with a skull and swords. Check out more Ben Rosa creations at Stairway Studios. It's so good it'll make you feel untalented.

WHY IS THE JUICE STILL LOOSE?- The Angry T's Angry Thought of the Day!

"This time he's coming at you like a coked-up Johnny Cochran at a Klan rally, telling criminals where they ought to BE! And that be prison. Now make sure you scrub between your toes you cute little Tilapia filet. Without further ado, here's the most sought-after free agent in the sports blogger community, The Angry T, from www.theangryt.com. Hopefully this will cheer him up. If not, we suggest a warm bath and a lilac facial mask." - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

By The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com, www.theangryt.com

What? Whhhaaatttt?

Believe it or not ladies and gentlemen, a television network has shown some dignity, even some class, in monitoring its programming.

I write constantly about disgusting and despicable acts by athletes, but this man’s actions really take the cake. If Mussolini was originally a soccer player, he would have a rival in the “World’s Most Terrible Person that happens to be an Athlete” award. Orenthal James Simpson came close to returning to television to participate in a special called, “If I Did It.” Of course, what he did was murder two people. The special was, according to The Juice, not a confession, but rather an explanation of what he would have done if he had in fact killed Ron Goldman and Nicole Smith. The old boy himself, Rupert Murdoch, cancelled the project saying, "I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project." Despite the fact that our toilets do not flush the same way, I am going to agree with ol’ Rupert.

I was also glad to see that over 12 FOX affiliates had already stated that they would not air the show. What more does O.J. need to do to make people hate him? Should he go beat up six-year-olds at the local YMCA? Should he go to a dog park and feed the puppies chocolate bars? Does he need to engineer a Social Security scam and defraud the elderly? Possibly loosen the screws on all the wheelchairs at the Special Olympics? Just one more time, think about the name, “If I Did It.” If you did kill your wife, which you actually did (ironnnnnyyyy), shouldn’t you just go and hide and stay out of the public eye? You caught a break, one which you didn’t deserve due to uninspired performances in a couple Naked Gun movies. Just go away. But no, you stay in the spotlight as much as possible. AND, and this should be in font size 56, what about your children? You have children, Juice. Children, whose mom you killed, that have to relive the saddest moment of their life with this latest media frenzy, next to the moment they realized that O.J. was their father.

In the spirit of superior FOX programming, why not make a show entitled “World’s Worst Humans.” Pit terrible people against each other, with a case being made by people wronged by the candidates, for the title of “World’s Worst Human.” We put O.J. on the show, throw him in there against Charles Manson, the Unabomber, and maybe Chris Henry. The person deemed “World’s Worst Human,” by a keypad vote of the studio audience ala America’s Funniest Home Videos, serves a lifetime sentence as musical accompaniment and sidekick on The Rosie O’Donnell Show OR death by lethal injection, their choice. Most importantly, the newly-crowned “World’s Worst Human” would be forced to carry a cell phone that says, “Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell,” in the Samuel L. Jackson voice from A Time to Kill, every time it rings. And, the cell phone number is made a matter of public record. Rupert, don’t sleep on this idea. I have a tentative meeting scheduled this week with SpikeTV. If all goes well, the show will air after Slamball in their spring lineup.

MICHIGAN/OSU JOKE SUMBISSION CONTEST

"It is what it says it is, a joke contest. But with a twist. Enter your jokes about either Michigan or The Ohio State University in the "comments" section, and tonight, a selected panel of unbiased non-alums will vote on the best. Winner gets a weekly column on Rivalfish,whether they want the responsibility or not. Here's another one from the ever-witty Mara Armstrong to kick things off." - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief


Q: Why do OSU Alumni keep their diplomas on their dashboards?


A: So they can park in handicap spaces.


AND TO BE FAIR AND BALANCED, like O.J. to his children......


Q: What does a U of M girl say after sex?

A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

OH HOW I HATE OHIO STATE: The Angy T Angry Thought of the Day

"Before we get started, how about a nice little joke......

Q: How do you get an ex ohio state football player off of your porch?


A: Pay for the pizza."
-submitted by Mara Armstrong, U of M alumna

by The Angry T, www.theangryt.com

I hate Ohio State. I have since I was a very young person. In fact, my very first hateful thought was most likely directed at those terrible people who live five hours south in Columbus. All those despicable people, whose highest level of education is six credits at the local community college, will be rooting for Ohio State this weekend at the Shoe. Legendary Michigan announcer Bob Ufer (please listen to the videos on the right side of the screen) put it best when he called the clientele at the Horseshoe “10,000 alumni, 74,000 truck drivers.” Now just wait a minute Buckeye fans, before you say, “Come on you idiot, the makeup of the Big House is probably very similar to that of the Shoe. There are just as many country bumpkin lowlifes that never even finished high school that claim to be Michigan fans.”

I will address you by very simply saying, “Shut up.”

In case you haven’t realized yet, I am a Michigan fan, and I choose not to address anything negative in relation to the Wolverines this week. You can always make your own website, Buckeye fan, but first you would have to figure out what a computer is, learn how to type and then stop drooling long enough to avoid getting your computer waterlogged.

Now let’s get back to business. Michigan will have to overcome what we all can agree is a dirty program this week in Columbus. Jim Tressel is a crook. Al Capone in a vest. Ask his friends at Youngstown State. Just ask Ray Isaac, the quarterback on his first I-AA title team, who took thousands of dolla