RIVALFISH'S TOP 5 ACTING PERFORMANCES by a PRO ATHLETE

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

In spirit of the 79th Annual Academy Awards, here's Rivalfish's Top 5 Acting Performances by a Pro Athlete (with links to video evidence, of course)

5. Shaq as Kazaam in Kazaam- Breaking backboards, rapping, and now the kid can grant you a wish. Here are the three wishes that I’d make the genie version of Shaq grant me. And, yes, this is a countdown within a countdown.

3. Physically identical to Shaq. There is a lot of people who’d fuck with a 5’9” half jew / half dago, but nobody fucks with Shaq. It’s science.

2. “Thick white chicks.” Because if I am going to turn into a huge black guy I am probably going to dig that.

1. Never grow up. Not like an unmarried 45-year-old who coaches little league “for the love of the game,” and wishes he lived in Neverland (that guy can’t understand why Robin Williams ever went home). Instead I want to avoid growing up because I hate responsibility.

4. Ray Allen as Jesus Shuttlesworth in He Got Game- I can’t believe I actually felt bad for the best high school basketball player in the country who was months away from getting paid millions. Come on, Jesus, in a few months you could have bought your dad his own jail.

3. Bubba Smith as Sgt. Moses Hightower in Police Academy I-VI- Everybody loves Officer Hightower, and he was so huge that he had to rip out the driver's seat and drive sitting in the backseat. Besides, there was like 1000 Police Academy movies. For longevity reasons alone he has to make this list.

2. O.J. Simpson as Det. Nordberg in The Naked Gun films - And you thought his skills were limited to murdering and running the football. He is so much more than that. Even if you took a knife and a football away from him he could still make a living for himself. That would be like an accountant who could teach high school history and be a practicing lawyer. It is amazing how narrow minded people are when it comes to O.J.

1. Dennis Rodman as Taz in Double Team - Van Damme and Dennis Rodman in the same movie would be like turning on Cinemax and seeing a soft core porn starring Keira Knighley and Jessica Simpson. The only thing that would make me happier than that pairing of people would be if Ben Wallace stared alongside Jack Bauer in an action thriller (and, yes, President David Palmer would be in the movie using his Pedro Cerrano voice from Major League). Also, the movie has allowed me to do the “turn it up” handshake for the past ten years. For those of you who are unaware of what this handshake is made up of, it goes a little something like this: Starts with a fist pound, turn that pound vertical, and stick that thumb up… and while doing the handshake you have to stare your handshake partner dead in the eye and demand that he turns it up.

*I am aware of Kareem Abdul-Jamar, Brian Bosworth, Howie Long, Penny, Wilt the Stilt, Michael Jordan, and Apollo Creed