The Top 10 Party Schools ..... on Weed!

By Tello Real, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

Every April, Playboy turns ten schools into Trip McNeely and replaces them with a new set of "Top 10 Party Schools." No one will ever remember that crazy 27-second keg stand Tennessee did at the Kegs and Eggs bash on St. Patty's and people will forget to keep judging Ms. McGill University for getting Eiffel-Towered by both the backup punter and backup kicker on the University of Toronto's football team at that athlete's-only formal.

Children and teens, nostalgic poon-starved ex-frat boys, and school administrators alike, take heed, because I'm giving one more hard-ass head nod to the "Top Ten Party Schools" of '06. When Playboy comes out with their new list next month, these schools will become instantly lamer than a grad-student instructor at a house party he overheard being talked about in his discussion section. But unlike Playboy, I'm not going to regurgitate nonsense stats about the schools, how many kegs they sell on a weekend, or how much virginity is foolishly wasted during "Welcome Week." That'd be immoral.. And frankly, it doesn't create a nuanced enough portrait for our nation's teens during this crucial month when they ultimately choose the locale at which they will soon flagrantly shame their father.

Instead, there's only one solution: smoke a lot of grass and do a Free Association exercise for each school. I'll stare at each school on the list, then close my eyes, and type whatever comes to mind. It's the only unbiased approach. Parents: You're welcome for me doing your work for you. Now go buy little Polly a Barbie or something to make up for leaving her with the grabby neighbor with the Zubaz pants.


1. Wisconsin
The Big Ten school that always used to get compared to the school I went to (University of Michigan-Ann Arbor) because it was full of fading hippies and homeless people that try to rob you. A little headier on the "hippie" than Michigan, and a tiny bit lighter on the hideous Midwestern girls. Everyone rides a f*cking moped, and it'll catch you off guard if you aren't warned. My girlfriend went there and I can't walk through campus without imagining every place she must have gotten entered by every guy with an "abroad story" and a sweet bubbler.


2. UC - Santa Cruz
Thought this was a fake school when John Travolta wore the t-shirt in Pulp Fiction. Then all the sorta-smart stoner kids in my high school started to apply there. One of my best friends from HS ended up going there. He was once a promising teen artist and sculptor in Chicago. Now he picks grapes amongst illegal immigrants in NorCal and doesn't own shoes, both by choice.


3. Arizona State University
Herpes Herpes Weiners Vaginas Parties my friend Tony kids dying ecstasy arrests girl in closet with duct tape and guy who looks like Tony Soprano on porch swing doing nitrous with an Asian kid with a Scion and autographed shoes. It's where Bill Frieder and "Frieder Ball" ended up after Schembechler fired him right before the '89 Tourney. Or am I just thinking that because a kid I vaguely knew from way back had an uncle or something that was one of his assistant coaches and he ended up at ASU?


4. Indiana University
LONG LIVE THE CUTTERS! I really thought Calbert Chaney was going to be better than Jordan. Seeing Knight hit a kid in person would have been amazing. They are like a herpes pock mark on the beautifully manicured woman-bits that is Big Ten Football. "Little 500" week is what makes life worth living. Overall, considering quality and quantity, it's the school with the hottest girls of any I've ever been to. Zero of them did me. They didn't like that their coach was black and sophisticated so much so that they psychologically forced him to resign. They won't admit it though, unless they look both ways first and see if there are any black people around.


5. San Diego State University
Holy shit. I know absolutely nothing about this school. They wear black and reddish orange and I think it's where Marshall Faulk went when he used to wear a visor and look like a gangster. Wow, another Michigan coach connection. That's where Steve Fisher is now. I have really no idea if he's 50 years old or 80. He always looks like Marv Levy to me. I wonder if it's a big school and I could get laid there? I'm sure the hot 16-year-old whose family I live next to could.


6. Florida State University
Every time I think of Florida State, I think of the one time I visited, which was to pick up my grandpa's car and belongings from his gold-digging girlfriend's place after he passed away. Sorry for making you immediately uncomfortable. All the kids seem dangerous there. Starter sold a boner-load of their pullover parkas back in '93-'94. I'm pretty sure the kid who holds the headset wires on the football sidelines gets at least a Chrysler 300M on the slide in Tallahassee.


7. Ohio University
That's the sweatshirt that Will Ferrell is wearing when he plays that frat guy on Weekend Update that keeps saying "Col-OWN!" and high-fivin' Colin Quinn. It's not exactly like Kent State, where kids get shot by the government, and it's not exactly OSU. No meaningful sports but a sick Ultimate team. Kids visit their friends at more fun Ohio schools like Dayton and Ohio State a lot. They made the list basically for running away with the"weed data" categories.


8. University of Georgia
Always wanted to walk Uga around town and use him to get chicks' phone numbers. I've been practicing that shit with the new Rivalfish dog, but I never know how to segue from talking to the chick's dog to talking to her. I usually avoid eye contact. The second best college running back, who started his career like a week before I was born, Herschel Walker, went there and won like four Heisman's in two years while wonderfully advancing race relations with those goofy chunky white men down 'dere. Garrison Hearst, Arrivaderci!


9. University of Tennessee
Phil Fulmer looks like the kind of guy you should be weary of drinking with if you're a hot girl under thirty. Peyton starred but didn't win a title and is now a Super Bowl MVP. Tee Martin stared here, won a title, and is now a Pep Boys Car Stereo Installation technician. It's ironic that they're forced to have the pussy mascot "Volunteers." Allan Houston and his dad totally bonded there. There's got to be hot girls there, but I've never seen them up close. But I still know they're all blond and way cuter with make-up. I'd probably be deemed ugly there because I'm short and brownish. Jews are generally avoided there in both subject and existence.


1o. McGill University (Canada)
Give me a f*ckin' brake! Other countries are included on this shit? Why don't we just say "The University of Oh Shit There's No University For Us To Go To Anymore Because a Country The United States Meddles With Blew it Up This Morning" for Number 1? That's a pretty uproarious situation, I'd say. Plus, it's the place some chicks in high school would apply just so they could say they had applied somewhere different than all their friends, merely as a tool of further self-differentiation.


Phew. Fuckin' Grass man. Brews up a nice little thought-factory in the ole noggin. Once again parents, I'm glad I could help teach your kids how to live their lives. Farewell '06 Party School, and yes, that can probably be treated with an ointment or a salve.