A Manifesto: Keeping it Real on the CTA

by Andy Kissko, andykissko@yahoo.com

I had a crappy ride on the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) bus today that helped me realize that nearly all of my fellow riders need to learn how to function properly on the CTA, so I have devised a CTA Riders Manifesto. The underlying Zeitgeist is "don’t be a fucking moron," but I welcome you to partake in the details.

1. On Morbid Obesity- Do not be morbidly obese. I cannot stress this one enough. If you ARE morbidly obese, you can afford to take alternate modes of transportation. Why do I say this?


A) You obviously are not spending money on a gym membership, and therefore you’re saving .

B) Conversely, since you are not exercising, you have more free time to derive income, and
C) You are saving money on groceries. Sound surprising? You tell me if a bag of pork rinds costs less than a cup of fruit salad the next time you are at a grocery store. While you’re at it compare the price of poultry to spam. We will revisit rule #1 later, but that’s the foundation.

2. On Luggage and the CTA- If you can afford to drop $300 on a flight, you can afford a $25 cab ride to Midway or O’Hare. You just can. Or on a smaller scale, if you can afford a $70 train ticket out of Union Station, you can afford the $15 for a cab there. Traveling is indicative of disposable income, as you will surely spend on food, lodging and entertainment once you arrive at your destination. In the long run, it will be a minuscule percentage of your overall financial travel burden. If it has to come out the budget you set aside for you denim jacket that has the embroidered likeness of the Looney Tunes ensemble with "Myrtle Beach" or "Orlando" underneath, so be it. Do the right thing.

2A- Note to the CTA- How are people with ginormous luggage not charged extra fare? A woman that weighs 95 pounds is charged $2.00, while a man that weighs 400 pounds, and is carrying enough luggage for a two-week vacation is charged only the same? If you and your luggage take up two seats, shouldn’t you be charged the price that two people, who take up one seat apiece should be charged? This logic really isn’t all that revolutionary, CTA.

3. On Exiting and Entering a CTA Vehicle- Exit buses at the back of the bus, and with trains and buses, let people off before you enter. Again, this is not radical thinking. It is non-retarded thinking. In fact, it’s posted on every train car and bus. It is just common-sense efficiency, makes much more sense than the alternative, and saves everyone time. If the back is exit-only (as it is for heterosexual males) and the front of the bus is enter-only (couldn’t think of a juvenile follow-up there, sorry), you have maximized the foot traffic efficiency, therefore speeding up the trip.

Also, on the train as it is on elevators, let the people off before you enter. Why be cordial and let them go first, you ask? Because that makes more room for you, Young Einstein. Shocking idea, I know. Seriously, a ton of people still don’t know this. Hell, Wild Hogs was the #1 movie a few weeks ago.

4. On Where to Stand on the CTA- This one is easy. The back of the bus, and as far away from the train doors as you can. The only time it is permissible to violate this rule is if a chick is totally showing some cleave, and is kinda towards the back- then you can stand right above her. Checking her out is to be done at your own peril, and sunglasses are advised. Trying to spit your gum into the aforementioned cleavage is inadvisable, and generally frowned upon in our society.

5. On Waiting your Turn- Middle-aged to older women, I am looking in your direction. I hate when I am the first one at the bus stop, I wait at the curb despite gusting winds or light rain, I take one for the team and don’t wait in that little glass hut area, and expect my reward as the curb-stander to be first entry, right? That’s fair.

Then, when the bus finally comes and stops like 4 feet from where I am standing and I start to stride over to the doors, I see a blur out of the corner of my eye in the vague shape of some old, fat lady who had been waiting for, like. She sprints full-tilt at the door, and enters before no less than 15 fellow sad sacks who have been waiting longer. Who the hell does that? If being the first on the bus is that huge of a deal, stand on the curb where you know the bus will be stopping. That is not asking for too much. You wouldn’t like if I cut in front of you in the Depends aisle or took the last 8-gallon drum of cookie-dough ice cream. Do the right thing. You teach kindergartners to wait their turn, don’t you? Don’t get outsmarted or out-mannered by a kindergartner. That really is not asking for too much.

6. On Why we Take the CTA- At least four times a week I think I am the only person in the world that is aware of "the point" of the CTA.. It is not to sit down. Rather, it is to arrive at your destination. If there is ¾ of a seat open between two people, and you are able-bodied and you get off in two stops, just keep standing (unless you’re hot, then you can sit next to/on me). You will be ok. Chances are, you are commuting to or from a job that requires you to sit all day. Because you are not on crutches or in a wheelchair, and you have displayed an ability to stand up on your own and, hell, even walk unaided- how about you just stand and don’t crowd those that are sitting. You’ll be fine; the "exercise" might even make you less obese.

7. Maybe you Just Aren’t CTA Rider Material; Rule #1 Revisited- No one is guaranteed a seat on a bus or train. Nor is anyone obligated to conform to whatever it is that makes you suck as a citizen. I rarely sit, but when I do, I will offer my seat to old people, the infirm and women. I don’t make a big deal about it, and I make sure it is not done in a belittling way. Yet, I figure that as a 27 year old male, I would be draft-eligible during a time of war, and am therefore fit to stand. My standing must be less of a harrowing experience for me than it would be for the fairer or weaker, so I genuinely don’t mind. (note to females: that comment was in reference to the old and infirm. I know women make just as good of standee as us men, but I was raised in a "ladies-first" environment, and I think that’s how things should be.) Just show some appreciation if it is offered.

If for some reason you really are unable to stand (except for those in wheelchairs, of course) then the CTA is just not for you. Sorry. The CTA presupposes that you are ABLE to fucking stand without difficulty. It does. So don’t get on thinking "well, since I weigh 384 pounds, people will feel sorry for me and give me their seat." They won’t. They shouldn’t. Here’s what I am thinking as I witness someone operating under that assumption

a.You are not CTA Material, and sadly, you are unaware of my first rule,
b. I did not ask you to get morbidly obese, it’s your problem, not mine or anyone
else’s on the bus,
c. Yes, I am laughing at you on the inside,
d. What I just said is especially true when I picture you naked and/or jumping rope, but especially both at the same time. That’s just how I roll.

8. On iPod and Mobile Phone Usage- I listen to my iPod on the CTA, which is fine to do under two conditions:

a. it isn’t so loud that the person next to you can hear how poor your "taste"
in music has become, and similarly,
b. It isn’t so loud that you cannot hear if the person behind you says "excuse me."

I am even ok with moderate foot and hand tapping to the rhythm. Mouthing the lyrics, though pathetic, is allowed but discouraged, especially when halitosis is present/abundant. Also make sure that your lip-syncing does not transcend into whispering the lyrics. That’s unforgivable. If you absolutely must lip-sync, just get the words out and don’t act as though you are performing before an audience complete with your splendor-laden swagger. That’s the worst of the worst.

Mobile phone usage is also permissible if and only if all of the following are
abided by.
a. It is important and relevant to your destination,
b. It is carried out briefly, in a hushed tone, and there is minimal "visiting" (e.g.
"how are you?", "Can you believe what happened on Gray’s Anatomy?", "Wasn’t
(insert male name) being a total asshole last night? OMG", "Guess how crappy my
day was? Remember (insert name) that I said I totally hated, well guess what
(he/she) did.") Do that on your own time. We don’t want to accidentally overhear
and be an accessory to your loserdom. Conversely, when these guidelines are
violated, it prompts fellow riders to listen to their iPods and at higher
volumes, which reduces the likelihood that someone will hear them say "excuse
me."

9. (Bus only) On Bus Fare Preparedness- When you approach a toll road with my father and he is waiting, toll-fare in hand, for the moron in front of him that just pulled up to the booth and only to BEGAN looking for change, expect to hear my father say "Surprise!!! Toll road!! Surprise!!" He makes a profound point. If you know you are taking the bus, make sure you have exactly $2 on you. Put it in a separate pocket even, and pretend you are a rational person. Let's face it, you can afford $2, You will be waiting for the bus. You know it costs $2. So what's the problem? IF you are paying cash, do the right thing and be the last person to board. ESPECIALLY if you have not already found your $2. I am embarrassed that I have to mention this, but I do.

These are the only rules I could commit to MS Word during my initial wave of frustration with the CTA. I am sure you have good ideas for more rules too, so please share them in the comments box. Sensor nothing.