Top 20 Most Unathletic Looking Athletes in Pro Sports

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com


Throughout time we have had unathletic looking professional athletes in the 3 major sports (baseball, basketball, and football). During the 1990’s we had Jeff Hornacek, John Kruk, and Tony Gwynn begging and schooling the American public not to judge a book by its cover. In the 1960’s, we had the same message, with Sandy Koufax causing us to reset our beliefs about Jewish athleticism.

In today’s professional sports arena, we have less and less unathletic looking pro athletes. This is due to ‘roids, modern work-out routines, and the recruitmentof young players based more on potential than actual ability. However, after doing extensive research (a.k.a. asking a few of my friends), I have comprised a list of 20 modern athletes that look about as athletic as a guy who tucks his t-shirts into mesh shorts. Without further ado, here are the 20 most unathletic looking athletes in the 3 major sports.

20. Dmitri Young (First Baseman - Washington Nationals) – This 6’2” 245lbs ball of chub is the older brother of top Devil Rays prospect, Delmon Young (yes, the guy who threw his bat at the umpire last year). More impressively, his Batting Average is 3^rd in the National League at .339, and was the Nationals' lone representative in this year’s All-Star Game... all with Type 2 diabetes.

19. Hunter Hillenmeyer (Linebacker – Chicago Bears) - Hunter looks more like a southern frat boy about to serenade his girlfriend than the starting outside linebacker on the best defensive unit in the NFL.

18. Jamie Moyer (Starting Pitcher – Philadelphia Phillies) – Jamie Moyer (44 years old) is essentially the exact same person as the fictional pitcher, Eddie Harris, in the 1989 blockbuster Major League. I can just picture Cole Hamels, the Phillies young fireballer, staring in utter disgust at Jamie Moyer, just as Rick ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn did at Eddie Harris in Major League, as he explains how Crisco, Vagisil, or snot can make his breaking ball drop another few inches.

Rick Vaughn: You put snot on the ball?
Eddie Harris: I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

17. Greg Maddux (Starting Pitcher – San Diego Padres) – Greg ‘The Professor’ Maddux will strike you out and then help you with your math homework.

16. C.C. Sabathia (Starting Pitcher – Cleveland Indians) – C.C. is one fun-sized Snickers bar away from 300lbs. C.C., just because you cock your hat to the left, it doesn't divert our attention away from your D-cup breasts.


15. Trent Green (Quarterback – Miami Dolphins) – Somehow the Dolphins thought a guy with more grey hair than George Clooney would be a better choice than Daunte Culpepper or Brady Quinn.

14. Eric Gagne (Relief Pitcher – Texas Rangers) – Gagne wears Rec-Specs, and last time I checked the MLB didn’t have the same rules as gym class floor hockey.

13. Dan Dickau (Point Guard – New York Knicks) – Dickau looks more like a kid trying to sell pot at Bonnaroo than an NBA basketball player. On a side note, does anybody else find it funny that the one guy in the NBA who looks like a hippie is on the most ghetto NBA team?

12. Matt Hasselback (Quarterback – Seattle Seahawks) – Quick, name one other fully bald (natural bald, not shaved bald) all-star/all-pro in sports. Sorry, Mark Messier retired in ’04.

11. Adam Morrison (Small Forward – Charlotte Bobcats) – With his gawky build, 7^th grade mustache, and inability to handle sugar (he’s diabetic), you would have hard time convincing me that he is even good at Magic: The Gathering.

10. David “Big Papi” Oritz (Designated Hitter – Boston Red Sox) – Thank god for the DH or we never would have gotten to see this fatty hit. His cheeks are so chubby that even Byron Leftwich can say “man, those are some chubby ass cheeks.”

9. Vinny Testaverde (Quarterback – New England Patriots) – I can’t believe this guy is only 43. Even Julio Franco can’t believe this guy is still in the NFL. He must have some dirt on the Patriots head coach, Bill Belichick.

8. Tyronn Lue (Point Guard - Atlanta Hawks) - I don't know what's harder to believe about this very generously listed 6'0" - 175lb child; that he plays professional basketball, or that he is 30 years old. This guy is more of an ageless wonder than B.J. Armstrong or Tony LaRussa.

7. David Eckstein (Shortstop - St. Louis Cardinals) - David Eckstein stands at 5'7" with spikes that have lifts in them. However, aside from serenading Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, this little tyke took home the World Series MVP in 2006.

6. Sean Casey (First Baseman - Detroit Tigers) - Sean Casey is referred to as "The Mayor" because he is regarded as the friendliest and overall "best guy" in all of baseball. The Mayor is also considered the slowest man in baseball (grounding into an impressive 27 double plays in 2005), which is shocking when you consider some of the lazy fatties in baseball. However, Sean Casey will remain a fan favorite due to his charming personality, but even moreso because of his uncanny resemblance to an average dude.

5. David Wells (Starting Pitcher - San Diego Padres) - Nicknamed "Boomer," for his butterball physique, he is more likely to show up to a game drunk or hung-over than sober. It is no surprise that a man who is as healthy as a coalminer was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes (which is linked to treating your body like it is a 14 year old girl's self-esteem). See a pattern here? Diabetics look worse. But what is a surprise is that he is 1 of 17 pitchers in MLB history to ever pitch a perfect game (for the Yankees in 1998) and is still playing at the ripe age of 44.

4. Kyle Orton (Quarterback - Chicago Bears) - Kyle Orton looks more like a hillbilly who spends his time driving around in a 1993 Ford F-150 with Copenhagen Black packed into his lip while searching for squirrels to hunt or college girls to whistle at. Kyle Orton is actually quoted as saying that Iowa, his home state, is his favorite vacation spot, and in 2005 (Orton's rookie year and lone year as a starter) a picture leaked of him pounding a handle of Jack Daniels during the Bears bye week. Thanks, Orton, for allowing us narrow-mindeds to finally be able to accurately judge a book by its cover.

3. Hedo Turkoglu (Forward - Orlando Magic) - I am just going to say it... It is impossible to look retarded and athletic. Alas, Turkoglu is the Turkish clone of the retarded character Timmy on the show South Park.

2. David Weathers (Relief Pitcher - Cincinnati Reds) - I feel like when I Google this guy I shouldn't get a bunch of links telling me that he is the 37 year old closer for the Cincinnati Reds, but instead I should come across a government website that shows a red dot on the exact location of his house and informs me that he isn't allowed to go within 200 yards of an elementary school. Thank god he found baseball or he would for sure be rocking that middle-aged-single-guy-who-coaches-little-league-baseball-for-the-love-of-the-game persona.

1. Antonio Alfonseca (Relief Pitcher - Philadelphia Phillies) - Better known as El Pulpo ("The Octopus") because he has 6 fingers and toes on each hand and foot. Count closely in the picture. This guy doesn't even look human let alone athletic. What nuclear power plant did this genetic mystery grow up next to?