RIVALFISH'S 50 WORST BILLBOARD #1 HITS of ALL-TIME
by Tello Real, mraspatello@rivalfish.com
No matter how many millions of people like and support a certain thing, like age-of-consent laws, there are some things I just can't agree with. So here they are, the 50 Worst Songs to ever reach #1 on a Billboard Chart, somewhere in this world. If judging the pantheon of #1s on musical and lyrical merit alone, I obviously could have included every chart-topper since '93 and made this a Top 1000 list. But I instead only included the 50 songs that I couldn't even see or understand someone taking a liking to, no matter how many tokes of the tasty turtle I took or relationships I melodramatically ended.
50. Celine Dione - My Heart Will Go On (1998)
49. Uncle Kracker - Follow Me (1999)
48. Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe (1995)
47. Minnie Riperton - Lovin' You (1975) -
46. Will Smith - Wild Wild West (1999)
45. Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All (1986)
44. Toby Keith - Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (2001)
43. Mr. Mister - Broken Wings (1986)
42. Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman (1995)
41. Chicago - You're the Inspiration (1985)
40. The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You (1995)
39. Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy (1988)
38. Limp Bizkit - Rollin' (2000)
37. Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart (1992)
36. Starship - We Built This City (1985)
35. Donna Summer - MacArthur Park (1978)
34. Terry Jacks - Seasons in the Sun (1974)
33. Elton John - Crocodile Rock (1973)
32. The Eagles - Best of My Love (1975)
31. Bee Gees - How Deep is Your Love (1977)
30. A Taste of Honey - Boogie Oogie Oogie (1978)
29 Peabo Bryson & Regina Bell - A Whole New World (1993)
28. Los Del Rio - Macarena (1996)
27. Hanson - MMMbop (1997)
26. Destiny's Child - Independent Woman Part 1 (2001)
25. Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight (1976)
24 Bobby Goldsboro - Honey (1968)
23. Rick Dees - Disco Duck (1976)
22. Debbie Boone - You Light Up My Life (1977)
21. Clay Aikens - This is the Night (2002)
20. Zagar and Evans - In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) (1969)
19. Nelly - Grillz (2006)
18. Jermaine Jackson - Don't Take it Personal (1989)
17. The Association - Windy (1967)
16. Lonestar - Amazed (2000)
15. Nickelback - How You Remind Me (2001)
14. Captain & Tennille - Do That To Me One More Time (1980)
13. D4L - Laffy Taffy (2006)
12. Bobbie Gentry - Ode to Billie Joe (1967)
11. J-Lo & Ja Rule - I'm Real (2001)
10. Elton John - Candle in the Wind 97 (1998) - I never really had any beef with the paparazzi until I realized that this song was their fault too. Hopefully the tune EJ writes when Princes Harry ODs won't become as popular.
9. Barry Manilow - I Write the Songs (1976)- Yes Barry, you do write the songs.... that make my parents 69 on their anniversary and my lunch shoot back up my esophagus like an eighth Jager shot.
8. Dawn feat. Tony Orland0 - Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree (1973) -From Wikipedia: The symbol became widely known in civilian life in the 1970s. It was the central theme of the popular song "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole Oak Tree", Written by Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown and recorded by Tony Orlando and Dawn among many others. It referred to the sign a released convict requested from his wife or lover, to indicate that she still wanted him and that he would therefore be welcome to return home. He would be able to see it from the bus driving by their house, and
would stay on the bus in the absence of the ribbon. He turned out to be very welcome: there were a hundred yellow ribbons. Wow Miss Convict-Monger, I thought you said when he hit you the first time that it was over for good?
7. Crazy Town - Butterfly (2001) -I always wondered what happened to the anal cyst that got lanced off the butthole of that 311 cover band I used to see back in South Venice.
6. Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder - Ebony and Ivory (1982)
This song is so bad it makes you wonder if those Segregationists may have been on to something. That asshole Strom Thurmond reportedly co-produced this record as part of a red-state conspiracy.
5. Snow - Informer (1993) - Dude, my cousin in Cleveland totally knows all the words to this.
4. Black-Eyed Peas - My Humps (2005) - If we're talking looks alone, I'd say the lumps Fergie left on boyfriend Josh Duhamel's testes were more attractive than the fat-girl mosquito bites on her chest.
3. Cher - Believe (1999) - Maybe Cher should have gotten plastic surgery on her voice?
2. All 4 One - I Swear (1994)- Attention! Attention! T-minus 4.5 minutes until that 8th grade
ginger feels his first over-the-bra tatas!
1. Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth (1999) - Santana, It should have been you instead of Richie Valens in that plane that night. Just go back to playing the bad guy in Three Amigos and stop ruining your own reputation.
No matter how many millions of people like and support a certain thing, like age-of-consent laws, there are some things I just can't agree with. So here they are, the 50 Worst Songs to ever reach #1 on a Billboard Chart, somewhere in this world. If judging the pantheon of #1s on musical and lyrical merit alone, I obviously could have included every chart-topper since '93 and made this a Top 1000 list. But I instead only included the 50 songs that I couldn't even see or understand someone taking a liking to, no matter how many tokes of the tasty turtle I took or relationships I melodramatically ended.
50. Celine Dione - My Heart Will Go On (1998)
49. Uncle Kracker - Follow Me (1999)
48. Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe (1995)
47. Minnie Riperton - Lovin' You (1975) -
46. Will Smith - Wild Wild West (1999)
45. Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All (1986)
44. Toby Keith - Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (2001)
43. Mr. Mister - Broken Wings (1986)
42. Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman (1995)
41. Chicago - You're the Inspiration (1985)
40. The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You (1995)
39. Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy (1988)
38. Limp Bizkit - Rollin' (2000)
37. Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart (1992)
36. Starship - We Built This City (1985)
35. Donna Summer - MacArthur Park (1978)
34. Terry Jacks - Seasons in the Sun (1974)
33. Elton John - Crocodile Rock (1973)
32. The Eagles - Best of My Love (1975)
31. Bee Gees - How Deep is Your Love (1977)
30. A Taste of Honey - Boogie Oogie Oogie (1978)
29 Peabo Bryson & Regina Bell - A Whole New World (1993)
28. Los Del Rio - Macarena (1996)
27. Hanson - MMMbop (1997)
26. Destiny's Child - Independent Woman Part 1 (2001)
25. Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight (1976)
24 Bobby Goldsboro - Honey (1968)
23. Rick Dees - Disco Duck (1976)
22. Debbie Boone - You Light Up My Life (1977)
21. Clay Aikens - This is the Night (2002)
20. Zagar and Evans - In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) (1969)
19. Nelly - Grillz (2006)
18. Jermaine Jackson - Don't Take it Personal (1989)
17. The Association - Windy (1967)
16. Lonestar - Amazed (2000)
15. Nickelback - How You Remind Me (2001)
14. Captain & Tennille - Do That To Me One More Time (1980)
13. D4L - Laffy Taffy (2006)
12. Bobbie Gentry - Ode to Billie Joe (1967)
11. J-Lo & Ja Rule - I'm Real (2001)
10. Elton John - Candle in the Wind 97 (1998) - I never really had any beef with the paparazzi until I realized that this song was their fault too. Hopefully the tune EJ writes when Princes Harry ODs won't become as popular.
9. Barry Manilow - I Write the Songs (1976)- Yes Barry, you do write the songs.... that make my parents 69 on their anniversary and my lunch shoot back up my esophagus like an eighth Jager shot.
8. Dawn feat. Tony Orland0 - Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree (1973) -From Wikipedia: The symbol became widely known in civilian life in the 1970s. It was the central theme of the popular song "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole Oak Tree", Written by Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown and recorded by Tony Orlando and Dawn among many others. It referred to the sign a released convict requested from his wife or lover, to indicate that she still wanted him and that he would therefore be welcome to return home. He would be able to see it from the bus driving by their house, and
would stay on the bus in the absence of the ribbon. He turned out to be very welcome: there were a hundred yellow ribbons. Wow Miss Convict-Monger, I thought you said when he hit you the first time that it was over for good?7. Crazy Town - Butterfly (2001) -I always wondered what happened to the anal cyst that got lanced off the butthole of that 311 cover band I used to see back in South Venice.
6. Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder - Ebony and Ivory (1982)
This song is so bad it makes you wonder if those Segregationists may have been on to something. That asshole Strom Thurmond reportedly co-produced this record as part of a red-state conspiracy.
5. Snow - Informer (1993) - Dude, my cousin in Cleveland totally knows all the words to this.
4. Black-Eyed Peas - My Humps (2005) - If we're talking looks alone, I'd say the lumps Fergie left on boyfriend Josh Duhamel's testes were more attractive than the fat-girl mosquito bites on her chest.
3. Cher - Believe (1999) - Maybe Cher should have gotten plastic surgery on her voice?
2. All 4 One - I Swear (1994)- Attention! Attention! T-minus 4.5 minutes until that 8th grade
ginger feels his first over-the-bra tatas!1. Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth (1999) - Santana, It should have been you instead of Richie Valens in that plane that night. Just go back to playing the bad guy in Three Amigos and stop ruining your own reputation.
posted by Rival Room Editor at
10:05 AM
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