There's Only One October and There's Only Ten Worse People Major League Baseball Could Have Picked For Their Commercials
By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com
Much like NBC's decision to have a transvestite sing it's Sunday Night Football theme last year, Major League Baseball's decision to choose "comedian" Dane Cook as the face of its playoff commercials is a strange one. One would think that, when choosing a face for an important ad campaign, multi-million dollar corporations would do a little research, maybe find out who people hate and steer clear of them. Not so when it comes to sports, but despite the fact that baseball showed a clear lapse in judgment, it could have been much worse. They could have chosen any of these people instead:
10. Billy Bush
Don't worry about who he is, he's a douchebag.
9. John Mellencamp
"This is ourrrrrrrrrrr October..."
8. Spencer from "The Hills"
Although seeing this guy pretending he's fired up about baseball could also be oddly hilarious.
7. Adolf Hitler
He was a dick.
6. The lead singer of Nickelback
Worse than Hitler.
5. Bud Selig
Yes, the commissioner of the sport could also be one of its worst spokesmen. He just has the disheveled look of a washed up, bumbling traveling salesman, down on his luck, but still hoping for that one last big sale- think Willy Loman or Gil, but less personality. Oh sure, back in his day he was a regular Big Tom Callahan, selling ketchup popsicles to every women in white gloves he came across, but now he's an indecisive, wind-blown shell of his former self. Also, if you're single handedly responsible for your sport's all-star game ending in a tie, and you're not the commissioner of MLS or the NHL, then it's probably best you not be front and center for the biggest games of the year. Best to just find yourself a nice, quiet skybox where the cameras can incessantly pan to shots of you standing with your hands in your pockets during history making moments.
4. Billy Crystal
Did you know Billy Crystal loves the Yankees? Of course you did, because he never shuts the fuck up about it. At first he just showed up at games here and there, but now everything he says and does revolves around it. Whatever humorous qualities he supposedly once possessed have been long forgotten, and that includes those delightful musical numbers he used to belt out while hosting the Oscars. Woe to us if he were ever chosen as baseball's official spokesman, for all we would hear about was the time he talked to Roger Maris' widow or how he would have sacrificed his own liver if it meant saving Mickey Mantle. We get it, Billy. You used to go to the games with your dad on the train, you're friends with Joe Torre, that's great. You're also friends with Whoopi Goldberg. Eat a dick.
3. Satan
The Lord of Darkness is the epitome of evil. He represents all that is soulless and wrong. So in other words, probably another Yankee fan. He's a bad choice to represent baseball mostly because of his association with all the pain and suffering in the world, and in this post-steroid era in baseball it's probably a good idea to focus mainly on the positives. After all baseball is a kids game, a kids game played at 9:00 PM on weeknights when most children have been sent off to bed already. Also, to focus on the negatives and not allow ourselves to enjoy the heroes of America's pastime, genetically enhanced as they may be, playing at the highest level would be to allow Lucifer and, to a lesser extent, the terrorists to win. Do you want that? Remember, they hate our freedom.
2. Osama bin Laden
Speaking of the terrorists, is there a person you can think of that is probably more anti-baseball than bin Laden? OK, besides bitter Mets fans. We've already established that he hates our freedom, which is bull shit, and while I can't say with 100 percent certainty I think it's safe to assume that he in turn also hates apple pie, cheeseburgers, Dairy Queen, Budweiser, The Gap and you. Baseball is America and in case you haven't heard, bin Laden hates it here- something to do with the fact that we're all a bunch of Zionist infidels. Now what kind of face would that be to put on exciting postseason baseball action? That's right- a terrible one.
1. Ryan Seacrest
The king of all douchebags, think of him as Dane Cook, but actually with less discernible talent. He's a poor man's Carson Daly...or is Carson Daly a poor man's Seacrest? Who cares. The point is somehow he continues to pile up work that has nothing to do with his most readily apparent talents: tanning and waxing his eyebrows. For instance, seemingly in an effort to alienate their core audience and attract more 13 year old girls, the NFL has hired him to host the Super Bowl pregame festivities and "interview celebrity attendees." Of course nobody watches the Super Bowl pregame show, but the very fact that Seacrest is involved just makes it feel even more contrived, if that's possible. At least Major League Baseball had the good sense to spare themselves the embarrassment of Seacrest asking angry, old baseball men "who they're wearing."
prayers4mojo@gmail.com
Much like NBC's decision to have a transvestite sing it's Sunday Night Football theme last year, Major League Baseball's decision to choose "comedian" Dane Cook as the face of its playoff commercials is a strange one. One would think that, when choosing a face for an important ad campaign, multi-million dollar corporations would do a little research, maybe find out who people hate and steer clear of them. Not so when it comes to sports, but despite the fact that baseball showed a clear lapse in judgment, it could have been much worse. They could have chosen any of these people instead:
10. Billy Bush
Don't worry about who he is, he's a douchebag.
9. John Mellencamp
"This is ourrrrrrrrrrr October..."
8. Spencer from "The Hills"
Although seeing this guy pretending he's fired up about baseball could also be oddly hilarious.
7. Adolf Hitler
He was a dick.
6. The lead singer of Nickelback
Worse than Hitler.
5. Bud Selig
Yes, the commissioner of the sport could also be one of its worst spokesmen. He just has the disheveled look of a washed up, bumbling traveling salesman, down on his luck, but still hoping for that one last big sale- think Willy Loman or Gil, but less personality. Oh sure, back in his day he was a regular Big Tom Callahan, selling ketchup popsicles to every women in white gloves he came across, but now he's an indecisive, wind-blown shell of his former self. Also, if you're single handedly responsible for your sport's all-star game ending in a tie, and you're not the commissioner of MLS or the NHL, then it's probably best you not be front and center for the biggest games of the year. Best to just find yourself a nice, quiet skybox where the cameras can incessantly pan to shots of you standing with your hands in your pockets during history making moments.4. Billy Crystal
Did you know Billy Crystal loves the Yankees? Of course you did, because he never shuts the fuck up about it. At first he just showed up at games here and there, but now everything he says and does revolves around it. Whatever humorous qualities he supposedly once possessed have been long forgotten, and that includes those delightful musical numbers he used to belt out while hosting the Oscars. Woe to us if he were ever chosen as baseball's official spokesman, for all we would hear about was the time he talked to Roger Maris' widow or how he would have sacrificed his own liver if it meant saving Mickey Mantle. We get it, Billy. You used to go to the games with your dad on the train, you're friends with Joe Torre, that's great. You're also friends with Whoopi Goldberg. Eat a dick.3. Satan
The Lord of Darkness is the epitome of evil. He represents all that is soulless and wrong. So in other words, probably another Yankee fan. He's a bad choice to represent baseball mostly because of his association with all the pain and suffering in the world, and in this post-steroid era in baseball it's probably a good idea to focus mainly on the positives. After all baseball is a kids game, a kids game played at 9:00 PM on weeknights when most children have been sent off to bed already. Also, to focus on the negatives and not allow ourselves to enjoy the heroes of America's pastime, genetically enhanced as they may be, playing at the highest level would be to allow Lucifer and, to a lesser extent, the terrorists to win. Do you want that? Remember, they hate our freedom.2. Osama bin Laden
Speaking of the terrorists, is there a person you can think of that is probably more anti-baseball than bin Laden? OK, besides bitter Mets fans. We've already established that he hates our freedom, which is bull shit, and while I can't say with 100 percent certainty I think it's safe to assume that he in turn also hates apple pie, cheeseburgers, Dairy Queen, Budweiser, The Gap and you. Baseball is America and in case you haven't heard, bin Laden hates it here- something to do with the fact that we're all a bunch of Zionist infidels. Now what kind of face would that be to put on exciting postseason baseball action? That's right- a terrible one.
1. Ryan Seacrest
The king of all douchebags, think of him as Dane Cook, but actually with less discernible talent. He's a poor man's Carson Daly...or is Carson Daly a poor man's Seacrest? Who cares. The point is somehow he continues to pile up work that has nothing to do with his most readily apparent talents: tanning and waxing his eyebrows. For instance, seemingly in an effort to alienate their core audience and attract more 13 year old girls, the NFL has hired him to host the Super Bowl pregame festivities and "interview celebrity attendees." Of course nobody watches the Super Bowl pregame show, but the very fact that Seacrest is involved just makes it feel even more contrived, if that's possible. At least Major League Baseball had the good sense to spare themselves the embarrassment of Seacrest asking angry, old baseball men "who they're wearing."
posted by Tony Riazzi at
12:01 AM
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