Out of Context Athlete Names

The Rivalfish List

Nothing too fancy with this column. It's a list of athlete's names that can be taken out of context, so to speak. For your convenience I have provided not only a sample contextual sentence, but also a recommended accent in which to deliver the sample sentence.

Danica Patrick, Indycar driver- (recommended accent for this one- ghetto):"Dude, you aint gon' believe dis shit, but Danica Patrick just got out da joint" "Oh word? I thought Patrick got 5-10? How he do dat? Man, if anyone could do that, Patrick is Danica that could.

Derek Jeter - (obnoxious Yankee fan with Bronx accent): "Hey, Hey Derek....Derek...I heard you used to date Maria Carey....Yeah, tell me she blew you, Derek....Did she??.... I hope you didn't return the favor....You didn't return the favor, did you Derek?....... Hey Derek, J'eter?"

Willie Harris, LF Atlanta Braves - (any accent works, I go with Southern though): "My girlfriend told me that my Willie Harris getting too long and that if I don't trim it up, she won't be suckin' it anymore."

Mike Weir, PGA Golfer- (any accent will do): "Hey man, I get it: He's not your homo, well he's Mike Weir so just get used to it"

Mike Lamb, Former Houston Astro - (any accent will do): "It may not be your oyster, but it's Mike Lamb"

Houston Nutt, Newly named head football coach at Ol' Miss - (Southern accent required): "You Houston Nutt on my Ol' Miss??!!!"

Priest Holmes, Recently retired RB with the Chiefs - (hispanic accent): "When I was a little kid I got raped by a Priest, Holmes"

Mike Conley, G Memphis Grizzlies - (any accent works): "Dude, when I went over to Lee's apartment the other day I just walked in without knocking. Big mistake. I walked in and saw Mike Conley. I had no idea they did that kinda thing."

Robinson Cano, 2B Yankees - (any accent works): "Just don't tell anyone about it, man. I don't care if you tell Mike, though and I guess Robinson Cano, but I don't want Mark or anyone else finding out."

Lamar Odom, F Lakers - (ghetto or white trash, whatever feels more natural): "Lamar forgot about that bet he made with Rodney, when Rodney reminded him that Lamar Odom 30 bucks, Lamar acted like he didn't remember."

Junior Seau, LB Patriots - (any accent): "Child molesters make me sick, man. Apparently the big thrill for him was just to hear Junior Seau. That sick fuck."

Tyler Hansbrough, F UNC - (I go with hippie frat boy, but most would do): "Dude, I'm not sure Ty is all the way hetero if you know what I mean. Let's just say if you're ever gonna get in the jacuzzi with him, keep an eye out for those wandering Tyler Hansbrough."

Travis Hafner, DH Indians - (any accent):"Apparently she dumped him. She got sick of Travis Hafner pick up his drying cleaning all the time."

Darren Oliver, P Angels - (I go Chicago accent in the stylings of Da Bears sketch from SNL): "So dis broad tells me to come into da living room, so I follow her in dere, she turns around, drops her robe and just stands Darren Oliver glory! I tink she's one a dem exhibitionists."

Prince Fielder, 1B Brewers - (You can go southern accent or ghetto): "I know Purple Rain was a great album, but I told you- I don't listen to Prince anymore, man. Ever since he called my girlfriend on stage to sing Sexy MF. Man, Prince Fielder butt right there in front of me and the whole crowd!!!"