RICKY TO DOLPHINS: 'I PASS ON GRASS.'

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Amid all the talk about the return of Rex Grossman as the Chicago Bears starting quarterback, another NFL comeback story has been overshadowed. This is the story of a man so painfully shy that he's never even seen his own nipples. A peaceful man who never overfed a diabetic horse and never met a yoga mat he couldn't tame. A man whose only request from his employer was that he be allowed to get baked every once and a while. Ricky Williams was denied his request, twice, but after a brief banishment to the the Great White North, Ricky is back. The 0-9 Miami Dolphins, his former team, are badly in need of help and are hence welcoming him back with open arms, but considering the Dolphins have played this game with Williams before and gotten burned, can he be trusted? Ricky's agent insists his client is "highly motivated with a new lease on life." No one on weed can be highly motivated. I'm convinced.

It really sounds like he's a new man. Who knows, maybe he'll even come back and be great, maybe make a Pro Bowl. Other cheaters and substance abusers have pulled it off, why can't Ricky? He did lead the league in rushing a few years ago, he should be fine...as long as he can avoid being lazy, stoned and/or caught eating Cool Ranch Doritos and watching "Judge Joe Brown" when he's supposed to be practicing.

Maybe Ricky will be a strong leader and a calming influence on the young Dolphins locker room, at least until the Dolphins bring the giant Jason Taylor robot back from London and he wigs out. If that thing doesn't send him running back for the tranquil blandness of Canada then he could serve as the oldest and wisest of all the team's running backs. Not to mention what he could do for Trent Green's headaches.

However, the team would be wise to keep him away from current starting running back Jesse Chatman. Chatman, who lost 60 pounds in the off-season and got a second chance at a career in the NFL, has played well as the starter since Ronnie Brown went down for the season. The last thing he needs is to be palling around with Sir Smoke-a-Lot. After a couple weeks of Ricky hot boxing Chatman's locker and blowing smoke in his face like a stoner with a new puppy, Chatman would probably gain back the 60 lbs. and then some. Empty bags of Funyuns strewn about the floor around his locker and showing up for meetings with Ding Dong frosting smeared across his face would become the norm.

But we're getting way ahead of ourselves. Ricky doesn't start practicing again until Monday and there are no guarantees that he stays off the hippie lettuce until then. But assuming he does, he'll also have to readjust to life in the NFL, which is much different than it was when we last saw him. For instance, he might be surprised to find out that since he was suspended in 2005 players have been discouraged from going out to strip clubs and leaving a path of destruction and paralysis behind them. Also, although partying with underage girls maybe fun, it's now frowned upon by the commissioner's office. Something about protecting the integrity of the shield in addition to not wanting to draw the ire of Chris Hansen.

So that's what Ricky Williams faces as he attempts to return to the NFL- again. And although he will undergo extensive drug testing throughout the season, he says he's sure the tests won't have any effect on his comeback:

"If I wasn't confident, I wouldn't have even tried," he said. "I wouldn't have made the effort."

Wouldn't have made the effort- he's sounding more like the old Ricky already.