Things I Don't Understand:

By T.R. Slyder

When people start sentences with something like, "If you would have told me 10 years ago, that I'd be doing X today...". Think about that. How odd would it be if you're sitting there watching the game with your buddy and he turns and looks you in the eye and says "In 10 years you'll be a married father of 3 living in Arkansas and you'll be an ice cream telemarketer." then turned back and watched the game? Who the hell would do that in the first place? What group of friends sat around and predicted aloud each other's futures- then one of them went on to be surprised that none of those predictions were correct?

Chicks always being chilly, then never wearing a jacket when they go out on weekends despite it being like 27 degrees.

Sending a mass text message and saying "Hey everybody..." when we wouldn't know it were a mass text if they didn't say "everybody". It's a great way to put out the "I'm thinking of you" vibe, but also adding "but not any more than I am thinking of everyone else."

Chubby chasers.

Nickelback. If I'm gonna get rocked by a dude- you can bet it won't be from a McMetal band lead by a dude with a goatee and a dyed-blond perm.

Ugg boots. I get them if they're used in inclement weather, but when it's nice outside and chicks wear them I am just perplexed.

Not laughing when you hear a fart. Especially when it's from anyone outside of the male 10-50 year old demographic.

Why someone would ever be a paparazzo. If paying your mortgage or financing your children's education is dependent on you taking a picture of Frankie Muniz in a bathing suit or Brendan Fraser eating al fresco, you are the worst person of all time.

How people with nervous laughs laugh after every sentence they say and expect us to find every single declarative sentence they state to actually be humorous. I think I get why they're nervous all the time, though- it's probably because they're like "oh crap, that last joke really sucked. I HAVE to make it up in the next sentence....crap, I don't have anything funny to say....but I gotta try SOMETHING.....here goes nothing...oh man I really need this one......."

Hoodies under blazers. Just a truly, truly horrible idea. Even if mixing and matching is your thing, try to mix and match good ideas instead. Mixing stupidity and matching that with a huge mistake, does not a chic outfit make.

Putting chopped nuts on ice cream. Just a preference. No puerile joke here, I just really hate that combination.

When people are praying and are "telling" God what to do. Why the hell don't they ever say "please"? They're talking to their fucking God, for God's sake!! Yet they're talking to him more rudely than they would talk to a bartender- you at least say "Can I have a Manhattan please?". "Deliver us from evil", "have mercy on us", "forgive us our sins", etc. It's not ok for your kid to tell you, "Pour me a glass of orange juice, Dad" without saying "please", but it's ok to order your God to "forgive us our trespasses"?? It's GOD!!!!

Facelifts for aging celebrities. We can all tell you had work done. It makes you look creepy, fake and shallow. Seriously. If you're 65 you aren't getting jobs because you're a wrinkle-free piece of ass. Not even tabloid media makes fun of people for having crow's feet, it happens. And if you are wrinkle-free thanks to a fake face you're never gonna get called an ageless or timeless beauty. Instead they'll say "Man, that fake-looking chick has had some major work done. Lay off the surgery." With that you've defeated the purpose. It's like pouring concrete over a flowerbed because the flowers aren't in full bloom anymore. Fading flowers still look way better than concrete.

People who watch Leno over Letterman.

Same for people who watch Craig Ferguson instead of Conan.

Fanny packs. If you're ever in mime school and your assignment is to non-verbally convey the message "Hi there, I'm not from around here. In fact, I'm not even from this time zone. And ya know what? Lately I've been slipping on my diet and to be quite honest with you, I'm not too up-to-date with my current events either." All you'd really have to do is put on a fanny pack and you're done with the assignment.

Jean shorts. When coupled with the fanny pack it isn't so much a case of two wrongs making a right, it's a case of two wrongs loudly proclaiming "I tell you what, I love NASCAR and I keep my chewin' tobacca right here, you sumbith."

Non-athletic pants with elastic waistbands for those over the age of 12. I mean, the theory makes sense, "It's great because my weight can fluctuate yet I can still wear the same pair of pants." but not really. Firstly, they look awful. Secondly, it isn't like every part of the pants stretches. What if your problem area is your ass and thighs? Then what? Then you're screwed. But hey, at least you saved $7 by not having to a buy a belt.

Picking your nose being a social taboo. You can fix your hair in public, you can tuck your shirt in. You can pick your afro, you can pick your ears, you can pick your teeth- if you have a toothpick. You can even blow your nose. What's so different about picking your nose? Now you're going to say "because picking your nose results in having boogers on your fingers, dumbass." But what if you demurely deposit them in a napkin or tissue and throw them away, like you do blowing your nose, or with a used toothpick, or if you cleaned up a mess with a napkin? I really don't see a difference.

Dog owner's who don't train their dogs to the point where the dog doesn't seem to be aware of its own name. Having dumb dogs is like having dumb kids- you just can't do it. You got a responsibility! You get off your ass and you train that fucking dog! (I'm hoping the Billy Madison reference didn't go unnoticed.)

Not having your toll/bus money/ticket ready as you approach the toll/bus. As my dad would say "Surprise! Toll! Surprise!!!" If your stupidity slows you down you deserve it. But if your stupidity slows me down, I'm going to have a problem with that.

Doughy broads showing midriff. I can understand why fit women would consider their sightly abdominal region to be an asset and wish to show it off. Clothers realized this and made clothes for them, women purchased them and they were all happy. So too were the guys who looked at those women. But when did women with unsightly abdomens think "Ooooh, that's a great idea! Men are attracted to shorter shirts apparently." Apparently, clothing companies then said "There are women out their flaunting their physical imperfections out there and making the public world less attractive- I want our company to be associated with that movement."

When you’re in crowded area and someone says “Damn, what’s up with all these people being here?” -not realizing the irony that I'm thinking the same thing as I look at them, or similarly, when six fratty dudes walk into a party and proclaim “Whoooaa…sausage fest”

People who don't seem to be aware that they have bad breath. How do you have no idea that your mouth tastes like hot garbage? If I could make food that tasted like their breath smells and they ate it they'd be vomit. Yet they don't mind the taste if it's lingering? How does THAT work?