WEIGHING THE PROS AND CONS OF DENNIS RODMAN, WNBA HEAD COACH

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

Dennis Rodman has aspirations. He yearns to teach women solid defensive basketball, to be a sort of purple haired, basketball Tom Emanski, espousing the virtues of fundamentals. Dennis Rodman's dream is to be a WNBA head coach. For you see, according to The Worm's agent, "Dennis has been talking about doing this for a while but there was never a convenient time. He is ready now to put everything on hold in pursuit of this ambition." Wow. Rodman is ready to put everything he's doing on hold, including sleeping until 2 p.m., competing on "Pros vs. Joes," and getting his ass pierced to pursue his passion- slow, poorly played basketball played in arenas filled to 30 percent capacity. Sounds great and what could go wrong? Well, I guess a lot of things. Um, well what could go right? Excellent question. Let's weigh the pros and cons of Dennis Rodman, WNBA coach:

Pro: Let's get the most obvious one out of the way. Rodman likes to wear women's clothing, that's a fact. So he and the ladies can share outfits and do each other's makeup.
Con: The women will get catty and jealous when Rodman looks better in their clothes and sleeps with more men than they do. Or at least, those that are into men get jealous. The Worm can go either way.

Pro: The addition of Rodman would draw attention to a league that is badly in need of somebody to even acknowledge its existence. Things are so bad for the WNBA that when you type "WNBA" into Google it asks "Did you mean: NBA?"
Con: Rodman will draw attention to the WNBA.

Pro: Rodman's patented headbutts would not harm his players, as women are generally thicker skulled. It's science.
Con: A team that doesn't live in fear of the headbutt is a team without discipline. I think Bob Knight said that.

Pro: The Worm's best buddy Jack Haley would probably be good enough to come off the bench for at least half the teams in the league.
Con: Jack Haley is annoying.

Pro: Rodman will teach his team everything he knows on the offensive side of the ball.
Con: Practice will end early that day.

Pro: We could have an Isiah Thomas trial like circus on our hands when Rodman inevitably does or says something inappropriate with a team member.
Double Pro: There would be no losers here. Hopefully Rodman would seek legal advice from ol' Zeke, hence making an already hilarious situation even better. The only thing more entertaining than the details of what Isiah considers suitable courtship would be to hear The Worm's depraved thoughts on romance. This could be comedy on a grand scale. Everyone would be a winner.

Pro: I'm not a doctor, but I have seen "Kindergarten Cop." And if I learned anything from Detective John Kimble's time in the classroom it's that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. So by process of elimination I will say that women do not have testicles. Therefore, Rodman's frustrated kicks to the groin will have little to no effect. However...
Con: That's bad because the groin punting is meant to be motivational, like locking your child in a dark closet when they've done something that displeases you. It's fine, I think I saw it on "Super Nanny" once.

Pro: Rodman could end up suiting up for his own team in a pinch and his hilarious exploits would remind us all of the delightful 2002 film Juwanna Mann.
Con: A return to prominence could mean talk of a sequel to 1997's Double Team. Or maybe that's a pro?