WHO'S NEXT FOR TONY ROMO...AND AMERICA?

By Tony Riazzi
prayers4mojo@gmail.com

It used to be that Brett Favre was synonymous with America, but brittle old Brett left another game last night with another injury and now may not play next week. Look, it was a great run, but is it really worth it for the Green Bay Packers, and America as a whole, to have to sit worry about whether Brett is going to be able to play every 250 games or so. The man just can't hold up for a full 16 years anymore, and as a symbol of America that's a dangerous image to project to the rest of the world. That's why there's been a noticeable shift in America's quarterbacking love affair from Favre to Tony Romo. Part of the reason this has happened is that America is at a time in its life where it just wants to have fun. I mean, we've been with Brett so long that we're not even sure who we are anymore. We need to find ourselves (translation: be a slut.) And Romo's propensity for cavorting with a different blonde every week really scratches us where we itch. I just hope our new lifestyle doesn't cause us to itch in any new, uncomfortable places. Who's next for Romo? Here's some possibilities as the line forms behind Jerry Jones:

Madonna: Romo is a lot like Alex Rodriguez in that they both love she-males. You know, the muscular types, maybe some testicles. Well Madonna has gotten to the point now where she doesn't even look female anymore. She has more veins popping out of her neck than a Romania power lifter. Plus, she's British and that accent is sexy. Also, she's a whore.

Anna Nicole Smith: A perfect match, she's even from Tex...what? She's dead? Huh, you think I would've heard something about that.

John Tesh: This may seem an odd pairing, but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Romo wants his personal life off of shows like "Entertainment Tonight," a show that was previously hosted by... a Mr. John Tesh. Bingo! I'm sure Tesh still has a lot of pull over there and he could tell Mark McGrath or whoever the shit hosts that show now to stop reporting on Romo. Plus, little known fact: Romo has a soft spot for guys that play keyboard guitars. Makes him melt.

The Olsen Twins: One or both, doesn't matter. Although, Ashley was recently spotted "canoodling" with seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. So unless Romo figures out a way to cure cancer it looks like he'd have to settle for the skinny one.

Erin Andrews: Recently named "Playboy's sexiest sportscaster of the year," Andrews is mainly a college reporter and therefore her ESPN contract might allow her to date a professional athlete. If said athlete plays for the Yankees, she probably gets a bonus.

Morganna aka the Kissing Bandit: While she's mainly affiliated with baseball, Morganna loves to kiss any and all celebrities, including Johnny Carson and David Letterman. She's never gone near Leno so she's obviously got good taste. Plus, according to her Wikipedia entry, "her breasts have been reported to be natural." Oh, baby.