The Rivalfish Mitchell Report Fantasy Team

By T.R Slyder

Our good friend at SimonOnSports, in conjunction with EpicCarnival, has set up the Mitchell Report Fantasy Draft. Please note that this idea is credited to the Max Kellerman Show, and we decided to pay homage to the idea by actually staging a draft. You can check out the teams on EpicCarnival.

The run down:
I slept in late today and was not aware that the draft (existed or) was going on. The rules are rather straightforward as mentioned on EpicCarnival. If your dude is mentioned in the Mitchell Report you get a point, most points wins. I didn't actually consult with anyone on RivalFish about my selections, so it wasn't a group effort per se, but being that I'm the only RivalFish writer in the pool (who doesn't have my own blog) I figured I'd share the wealth.

After the first eight contestants picked their five players another late entrant
joined and picked his team off of waivers before I joined and did the same. Phrased differently, my picks were #s 46-50, not exactly a wealth of riches but I think the previous 9 left a little meat on the bone (sorry vegetarians). I went with Benito Santiago, Jeremy Giambi, Scott Spiezio, Julio Franco and Steve Finley. Here is a breakdown of my picks.


Benito Santiago:

My circumstantial evidence: He went from being a light-hitting catcher for his first decade-and-a-half, then emerged from what seemed like his own ashes to be a muscular slugger. After turning 77 he just decided to start lifting weights and trying to hit for power? Really? If that isn't his excuse, I just hope he'll plead that the jeri curl and 'stache weighed him down- that I actually would believe. Seriously, how porny is his card on the left??

Jeremy Giambi:

My Circumstantial Evidence: These two men are brothers. The one on the right was on steroids at the time this photo was taken; I have his doppelganger brother on the left.
You know how poker players wear sunglasses to hide their facial expressions? Don't you get the vibe that he is wearing those shades to mask his projecting of 'roid shame? Me too! Oh my god that's so weird!!

Scott Spiezio:

My Circumstantial Evidence: Admittedly, this isn't the biggest slam dunk pick of all time. However, he had two things really going for him- 1) he peaked in 2002 (i.e. before 'roid testing) and, 2) He missed a large portion of the 2007 season because he was in drug rehab. The drugs
mentioned were alcohol and "other drug(s)" that were not specified. While I'm not one to find humor in addiction or belittle someones struggles with drugs- especially those that admit to having a problem, this does create circumstantial evidence for possible steroid abuse.

Less Likely But Potentially Damning Nonetheless: A little known fact about heroin users is that many of them get a star tattooed on the inside of their "shooting arm" to help them locate the "mainline" where they wish to inject. If you put the needle in the center of the star you'll hit the sweet spot everytime. Do you think Spiezio's red soul patch could somehow be the steroids equivalent?? Only time will tell.

(The last paragraph was my homage to how parents and old fart journalists always trying to act hip and in-the-know when it comes to drugs. Like how last year how Nightline blew the roof of a naughty little drugs secret- kids are now doing some drug called "Ecstasy")

Julio Franco:

My Circumstantial Evidence: Here is what you need to know about him (apart from the jeri curl and stigitty stigitty 'stache). No one knows his real age. He is LISTED as being born in August of 1958, but it's widely held that he is in considerably older. In 2007 hee set the record this year as being the oldest player to hit a home run. This skinny guy in '83 is now a 50+ year old slugger. Again, if he wants to take the Benito Santiago defense and claim that he lost his mind when he did away with the jeri and shaved the stash and that resulted in his steroid abuse, I'd have to forgive the poor fella.

Steve Finley:

The circumstantial evidence against him: This is another selections of the non-slam-dunk varietal. He had the best season of his career at age 40, and as this photo details: he shares a steely embrace with admitted steroid abuser Ken Caminiti.

That's the list- results will follow on EpicCarnival and on here. Good luck Team RivalFish!