Third Grade Spazz Soundly Defeats BCS Brain Trust in Chess Match

By TR Slyder, TRSlyder@yahoo.com


Fort Wayne, IN (AP)- In 22 minutes the match ended with a whimper. The ballyhooed chess match's official ending took place in the 22nd minute, but the result was in never in doubt.

Timmy McMichael, a third grader at Aboite Elementary, handily defeated a team of 12 men who represented the "Brain Trust of the BCS" (Bowl Championship Series). Despite this being the first time playing chess, McMichael easily dispatched his adversaries as he was watching a SpongeBob SquarePants episode from an adjacent television set. When asked about his level of chess experience before his match, Timmy said "My dad taught me the rules of chest (sic) this morning and gave me a sheet of the rules to look at in case I forgot them."

Despite his surprising victory over 12 Ivy-League-educated men, the next Bobby Fisher this is not. Upon Timmy's bishop capturing the Rook of the BCS Brain Trust, he shrieked "King me!", and repeatedly referred to his Knight as his "horsey". After losing his White Bishop and learning that "do-overs" were not part of chess, McMichael cried.

The Brain Trust's members were not made immediately available to the media after their disheartening loss. Their spokesperson, Steven Rogers, fielded questions after the match, albeit in decidedly defensive tone: "I can assure you that these 12 men are the most intelligent, judicious, and forthright thinkers involved in NCAA athletics today. If they were unable to defeat Mr. McMichael today, it was because Mr. McMichael was unbeatable today. Their body of work as a unit prior to today speaks for itself. Since the inception of the BCS, they have crowned at least one champion every year. Let me repeat that: EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.... at LEAST one..... They are obviously amazing at their jobs, they just ran into a buzz saw today."

Today that buzzsaw wore Pokemon sweatpants and consumed nearly 4 candy bars during his 22 minutes of play. Rogers was later asked to speculate on the scope of McMichael's achievement and what this means for Chess, "What was proven here today was absolute, thorough, definitive and as black-and-white as it gets, folks: Timmy McMichal is the US Chess Champion. How someone could even question that just baffles me. It honestly makes feel sympathy for the questioner's intellect. You have two astounding Chess entities- Timmy and the BCS Brain Trust- and a computer matched them up, and Timmy won. End of story. Forever. And ever and ever and ever."

After the BCS Spokesman asked the field of reports to stop laughing he defiantly fielded another question that asked how this seemingly random pairing of two chess combatants could represent the two most deserved chess players to decide the National Championship. After a long, condescending sigh, Mr. Rogers stated "Ok...First all, for all you Madison Avenue hotshots who think you know so much about chess, let's get something straight- computers decided this pairing. Computers. Not some hillbilly, alcoholic liar of a human who can never be fully trusted to decide anything, and not some loser elected to the CCS (Chess Champioship Series) just because his daddy was a wealthy contributer for years- computers did this. Computers. This election wasn't voted on by a gaggle of some Florida geriatrics in Depends who can't read a Butterfly Ballot. The reasoning these computers used, and the magnitude of their computational capacity is not fathomable to our simplistic, carbon-based minds. For you all to presume that you could produce a better chess pairing is not only arrogant, rude and incorrect- it's dangerous."

Upon being asked by Mikhail Cuchikokov, the editor of ChessWorld, "Yes, but who do you think it is that programs these computers and inputs their computational schematics?", Mr. Rogers replied "Other computers".

The last question Mr. Rogers was asked is if he, or anyone on the BCS Brain Trust, felt a touranment might be an even better means to determine the US Chess Champion- "Listen. The day we put in all of our numbers into the computer and the computer says: (Mr. Rogers then did a robot voice and weakly did a version of the robot dance) 'cannot compute. must. hold. tournament. to pick winner.'- I promise you, we'll hold a tournament. Until that happens, this is the only possible solution."

During Timmy's post-match conference he took a more rational approach to question answering. Upon being asked if Billy felt he was the rightful, undisputed US Chess Champion he exhaled, paused and thought deeply. After a pregnant pause he then asked what "undisputed" meant. Once it was explained he answered, "No way Jose. I was happy I won today, but there are probably like a million people in this country. The only fair way to pick a winner is to have a chess tournament, everyone knows that. Doesn't every sport do that? I know that I like watching the World Series with my dad and brother and sister. Everyone here in Indiana loves March Madness- businesses shut down just to watch it. My cousins in Canada love the Stanley Cup Playoffs. I'm only 10 years old, but I've never heard anyone complain about any of those playoffs. Again, I'm real happy I won, but I wouldn't feel like a champion unless I won a tournament and beat a few other good players in a row. You can't give out trophies if there isn't a tournament."

With that Timmy McMichael, unaware of having chocolate marks all around his mouth and on his cheeks, got up from the table and exited. As he met his congratulating friends in the waiting area, this slayer of the dragon that is the BCS Brain Trust, was overheard giggling as his friend made the classic "Milk, Milk, Lemonade...." joke.