ANGRY T THOUGHT of the DAY: At the Very Least, I Hoped He Dropped the Soap

"The Angry T is so angry that he slapped the midwife for cutting his umbilical chord. And that was before they wiped the embriotic fluid from his eyes. Check him out at www.theangryt.com" - Rival Room Editor

by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

I have full faith in the American legal system, but I have to disagree with a couple recent moves by John Law. I will begin with the story of my boy, Christopher Reginald Henry. As you may or may not know, Chris was released from a 2 day stint in a Kentucky prison after he was found guilty for letting minors drink in a hotel room that he rented. The judge had these harsh words for Christopher, "You embarrassed yourself. You embarrassed a lot of people, teammates, friends and family, the city, the fans and myself." Not so fast my big talking judge friend. District Judge Greg Grothaus ended up taking off all but 2 days from Chris Henry’s 90 day sentence. Take note kids in the neighborhood, you might want to egg his house. Now that is what I call embarrassing Mr. Grothaus. Judge Reinhold, and this guy, would be ashamed, you clown.

I don’t claim to be a legal guru like this guy, but I think it might be a good idea to just keep this guy locked up for a couple more days or years. This graph shows that crime in Cincinnati and the surrounding states plummeted in the 48 hours this man was behind bars. Children could once again frolic in the streets and not have to fear offers of drugs or alcohol. Motorists could drive easy knowing that Chris Henry was behind 2 feet of reinforced concrete and would be unable to harm them during his inevitable drunk driving escapades. If we were left in jail, how many people do you think would protest? Including his mother, the answer is zero.

I have also lost some faith in the American legal system because of this case. (read this if you want to know more) Genarlow Wilson lived the dream of every young teenager who has sampled any sort of pornographic materials. Now, he is in jail for the next 8 years for a consensual act with 15 year old minor when he was only 17 years old. Everyone involved believes his actions to be consensual and the even the “victim” and her family have refused to prosecute.

Again, I am no Clarence Darrow, but isn’t there something wrong with that picture. How does this guy get 10 years when Chris Henry gets two days for drunk driving (a potentially deadly act), waving a gun at a crowd (a potentially deadly act), and giving alcohol to minors? (a potentially pedophilic act as the minors were 18, 16 and 15)? One of the minors actually claimed the Henry raped her, but then retracted her statement and said the sex was consensual. This same young woman was picked up a week later on prostitution charges. Wrap your mind around that one and tell me why Chris Henry gets two days and Genarlow Wilson gets 10 years.

I can answer the question at the end of the previous paragraph by using the words of timeless song. (the first minute is good enough) Chris Henry has enough money to defend himself legally in a way that Genarlow Wilson cannot. Whether you think that it is fair or not, it looks pretty damn clear to me that Genarlow is getting the short end of the stick.

I propose that we just exchange Henry for Wilson. This Wilson guy was smart, may have been able to play in the Ivy league and seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders. Sure, the Bengals will be short a wide receiver, but this guy played receiver in High School, so throw him out there. With Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh drawing double teams, there is no reason Genarlow can’t catch 50-60 passes in 2007.

I like the idea, and if you read the article you saw that Mark Cuban agrees. Well, he at least he agrees with the part about getting Genarlow out of jail. I will assume he agrees with the rest. You, the reader, need to do some work of your own to help this young man’s cause. Since authorities let Henry out of the jail, we will all have to do our best to get him back in, so we can make the switch. I am imploring all the pimps, whores, drug dealers and the like the attempt to bring this guy down. Try to sell him something, offer him a reach-around, do whatever you have to do to bring this man to justice. All attractive 16 year old girls should do their part and show as much skin as possible when they hang out with Chris Henry. Your help and vigilance will do wonders for the life of a 20 year old man that may still have a chance not to end up like Chris Henry.

(And yes, that is the owner of the Dallas Mavericks with what appears to be his niece on his lap and wedding ring on his finger)

SAY "CHEESE!" - WEDNESDAY

Chicagoans Accuse Ditka of Eating Sausage, Farting Like a Colts Fan Would

RIVALFISH's GUIDE to PRO ATHLETE NAMES

If you're wondering why anyone would have any use for this list, I ask you to consider the following. Did you ever stop to think that maybe the people who sit around wasting time on the Internet during their mundane workday are genuinely fascinated by how the other half lives? Does it not occur to you that these amazingly inquisitive philanthropists might want to peer into the neighborhoods full of DeMarcuses, Dawans, and Kenyattas? See, they want to take a good look, huff a deep breath, and inhale some "understanding." "Understanding of what," you surely ask. Understanding that black people have funny names, what else?. -Rival Room Editor-in-Chief.

by Andy Kissko, andykissko@yahoo.com

Just Add “La-“

LaMarcus Aldridge, Trail-Blazers

LaVernaues Coles, Jets-

LaJuan Ramsey, Eagles- “La” feminine, “Juan” masculine

LaBrandon Toefiend, Jaguars

LaDanian Tomlinson, Chargers

La’roi Glover, Rans- Also on the "Apostrophe" team

Just Add “Le-“

LeBron James, Cavaliers

LeCharles Bentley, Browns

LeRon McCoy, Arizona Cardinals

Just add “De”

DeShea Townsend, Steelers

DeQuincy Scott, Titans

DeWayne Robertson, Texans

DeJuan Groce, Saints

DeAngelo Hall, Falcons

Apostrophe Abuse

Dre’ Bly, Lions

Donte’ Curry, Lions

La’Roi Glover, Rams

Andre’ Goodman, Dolphins

“D” + X + X+X+ ”ne”

Dwayne Jones, Cavs

Dwyane Wade, Heat

Dawan Landry, Ravens

DeWayne Robertson, Jets

Dwaine Carpenter, Rams

Common Last Name, Uncommon First Name

Carmello Anthony, Nuggets

Rasual Butler, Hornets- That name is RAther unuSUAL

D’Qwell Jackson, Browns - Lotta Jacksons’ in this country. One D’Qwell Jackson.

Jumaine Jones, Suns - Is that like the happy-trail version of the “Jew ‘fro”?

Dermarr Johnson, Nuggets

Dahntay Jones, Grizzlies

Jameer Nelson, Magic

Shaquille O’neal, Heat

Donell Taylor, Wizards

Bonzi Wells, Rockets

Delonte West, Celtics

Shammond Williams, Lakers

Corliss Williamson, Sacramento Kings- Apparently he does not come attached to a cord.

Shawne Williams, Pacers

Boss Bailey, Lions

Champ Bailey, Broncos

Tiki Barber, Giants- Too bad Tiki isn’t a defender so you could say “Tiki got torched!”

Ronde Barber, Bucs

Fakhir Brown, Rams- “Are you a pothead, Fakhir?”

Jerametrius Butler, Rams- When “Jeremy” just won’t do…..

Dovonte Edwards, Vikings

Demetric Evans, Redskins- Do you think the US will ever switch to de metric system?

Dhani Jones, Eagles- I realize it’s a Buddhist term, but it’s still an unlikely pairing.

Damione Lewis, Panthers

Marquand Manuel, Packers

Jayme Mitchell, Vikings

Brodney Pool, Browns

Dunta Robinson, Texans

Montavious Stanley, Cowboys

Jerramy Stevens, Seahawks

Adalius Thomas, Ravens

Dontarrious Thomas, Vikings- That sounds like an introduction, “Don, Terry is Thomas’ old roommate.”

Juqua Thomas, Eagles

Kiawakee Thomas, Bills

Chaun Thompson, Browns- That isn’t short for “Leprechaun”, is it?

Darwin Walker, Eagles

Javon Walker, Broncos

Kenyatta Walker, Bucs

Demorrio Williams, Broncos

Darrent Williams, Bucs

Roydell Williams, Titans

Shaud Williams, Bills

Tank Williams, Bears

Gibril Wilson, Giants- I wonder if he had a pet “girbil” as a child

Huge Surprise! He’s a White Guy

Ryon Bingham, Chargers

Colby Bockwoldt, Titans

Dustin Colquitt, Chiefs

Dallas Clark, Colts

Owen Daniels, Texans

Hunter Hillenmeyer, Bears

Eli Manning, Giants

Caleb Miller, Bengals

Igor Olshansky, Chargers

Hunter Smith, Colts

Generally Weird Names

Royal Ivey, Hawks

Shaquille O’neal, Heat

Tayshaun Prince, Pistons

Rajon Rondo, Celtics

Stromile Swift, Grizzlies

Flozell Adams, Cowboys

Atari Bigby, Packers

Plaxico Burress, Giants- If it’s pronounced “Plexico” why not spell it that way?

Ciatrick Fason, Vikings- What are the odds he was conceived via Cialis and his dad’s name is Patrick?

Jerious Norwood, Falcons- How many people meet him and say “Jerious? Surely, you can’t be Jerious?”

Start a Business

Curome Cox, Broncos- Rims Company, tagline: Don’t just have your car sittin’ on chrome, have it sittin’ on Curome Chrome.

Trai Essex, Steelers- Thai Restaurant, “Trai mai thai, then order a Mai Tai”

TyJuan Hagler, Colts- Partner with Trai Essex making “cuisine from ‘TyJuan’

Von Hutchinson, Texans- Should have cashed in on the Von Dutch (totally played out) craze and opened a franchise called Von Dutchinson

Sinorice Moss, Giants- Candy manufacturing, "Sinorice Licorice"

Carnell Williams, Bucs- Porn company called “Carnell Desires”

SAY "CHEESE!" - TUESDAY

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Bears game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to "hi."
"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Bears game, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Bears game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

JULIO LUGO IS NOT THAT GOOD AT BASEBALL

by Andrew Green, altgreen16@gmail.com

When did Julio Lugo become one of the top shortstops in baseball? For the past couple seasons, many Red Sox fans salivated over the idea of getting Lugo, despite statistical evidence that he simply is not that good. True, Lugo has been a Red Sox killer in his career (.304 career BA, his 3rd best among AL opponents), but he has never proven himself to be among the game’s elite in anything.

A recent Boston Globe article has inspired this rebuttal. You may recall, my previous article criticizing Boston’s front office moves since 2004, but surprisingly, most of the reaction to the Lugo signing has been extremely positive. Let’s review my most basic gripe: the Sox gave Lugo the same contract that they gave to Edgar Renteria, although Lugo is two years older than Renteria was at the time. Many people will be quick to point out that, while Renteria may have a better track record, he was not considered thick-skinned enough to play in Boston. This is the same player who delivered the game-winning hit in Game 7 of the 1997 World Series.

But how exactly has Lugo proven that he can excel in the clutch and handle the pressures of Boston? Most of his career has been spent in the cellar of the American League East that is Tampa Bay. Lugo did finally get an opportunity to play for a contender this past summer, when he was traded to the Dodgers. He responded by hitting .219 down the stretch and has a career BA of .083 in the playoffs. Of his struggles in Los Angeles, the Globe article quotes Lugo as saying “I was just put into a hard situation there and I didn't feel comfortable… I mean, they had a lot of unhappy people there, a lot of unhappy players. And unhappy players can't produce.” That does not sound like someone who will respond well when he struggles in Boston. I would also like to point out that J.D. Drew was a part of that clubhouse that Lugo criticized. The two newest Red Sox are signed for a combined $103 million, while they have been selected to a combined 0 All-Star games. If Lugo was so great, one would expect that he would not have tremendous difficulty earning an All-Star nomination during his time in Tampa.

Julio Lugo is not a bad player, but he is certainly not the player that people seem to be making him out to be. The aforementioned Globe article claims that Lugo “stands out as a terrific offensive shortstop”. Terrific? Are you serious? He is a career .277 hitter who has never hit over .300, scored 100 runs, driven in 80 or hit more than 15 homers. That sounds very average for a modern shortstop – it is certainly not terrific. When I think of a terrific offensive shortstop, I think Miguel Tejada, Derek Jeter, and some more, including of course, Nomar of the late 90s. If Lugo has a season similar to his previous seven, it will be along the lines of .280, 13, 60 with over 20 errors. That does not sound like something the Fenway Faithful will love.

RIVALFISH'S TOP 50 COVER SONGS of ALL TIME!

By Tello Real, Scott Merz, Steve Rhodes, Rival Room Contributors and Jon "Uncle Rico" Gries, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

With every year we grow closer to Denny's-every-Sunday-age, we become increasingly partial to things that are familiar. We get back into diapers, gumming things we care about, and not minding if our family sees us naked. That's why we dig cover songs so much. After compiling over 250 second-hand hits, we've whittled it down to this. So let the Buddha-fueled debates begin, as here's Rivalfish's Top 50 Cover Songs of All-Time!

Selection Criteria Disclaimer: All cover versions are inherently covers of the originally recorded and released version of the song, regardless of who wrote or popularized the song.

50. "Black Magic Woman"(1970) by Santana (Fleetwood Mac original, 1968)

49. "Hallelujah"(1994) by Jeff Buckley (Leonard Cohen original, 1985)

48. "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You"(1969) by Led Zeppelin (Joan Baez original, 1962)

47. "Voodoo Chile(Slight Return)"(1984) by Stevie Ray Vaughn (Jimi Hendrix original, 1968)

46. "Take Me to the River"(1978) by Talking Heads (Al Green original, 1974)

45. "Mustang Sally"(1966) by Wilson Pickett (Sir Mack Rice original, 1965)

44. "Roses are Free"(Live) by Phish (Ween original, 1994) - Check out Phish's version on Hampton Comes Alive(1999)

43. "I Shot the Sheriff"(1974) by Eric Clapton (Bob Marley original, 1973)

42. "Hey Joe"(1966) by Jimi Hendrix (Billy Roberts original, 1962)

41. "Hard to Handle"(1989) by The Black Crowes (Otis Redding original, 1968)

40. "Twist and Shout"(1964) by The Beatles (Isley Brothers original, 1962)

39. "Sweet Jane"(1988) by Cowboy Junkies (Velvet Underground original, 1970)

38. "My Favorite Things"(1960) by John Coltrane (Rodgers & Hammerstein original, 1959)

37. "I Heard it Through the Grapevine"(1970) by Creedence Clearwater Revival (Gladys Knight and the Pips original, 1967)

36. "Summer Breeze"(2004) by Jason Mraz (Seals & Crofts original, 1972)

35. "Always on My Mind"(1987) by Pet Shop Boys (Brenda Lee original, 1972)

34. "Killing Me Softly with His Song"(1996) by The Fugees (Lori Lieberman original, 1971)

33. "Victoria"(1988) by The Fall (The Kinks original, 1969)

32. "Live and Let Die"(1991) by Guns n' Roses (Paul McCartney original, 1973)

31. "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"(1991) by Guns N' Roses (Bob Dylan original, 1973)

30. "Lodi Dodi"(1994) by Snoop Doggy Dog ("La Di Da Di" Slick Rick and Doug E. Fresh original, 1985)

29. "Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon"(1994) by Urge Overkill (Neil Diamond original, 1972)

28. "Higher Ground"(1989) by Red Hot Chili Peppers (Stevie Wonder original, 1973)

27. "With a Little Help (From My Friends)"(1968) by Joe Cocker (The Beatles original, 1967)

26. "Rivers of Babylon"(1996) by Sublime (The Melodians original, 1973)

25. "Mad World"(2001) by Michael Andrews & Gary Jules (Tears for Fears original, 1982)

24. "Wild is the Wind"(1981) by David Bowie (Johnny Mathis original, 1956)

23. "Up on the Roof"(1979) by James Taylor (The Drifters original, 1962)

22. "Lake of Fire"(1993) by Nirvana (Meat Puppets original, 1983)

21. "Southern Cross"(Live) by Jimmy Buffett (Crosby, Still & Nash original, 1982) - Check out Jimmy's version on Buffett Live: Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays(1999)

20. "Time is on my Side"(1964) by The Rolling Stones (Kai Winding original, 1963)

19. "Sexual Healing"(Live) by Ben Harper (Marvin Gaye original, 1982) - Check out Ben's version on Live From Mars(2001)

18. "Baba O'Riley"(Live) by Pearl Jam (The Who original, 1971) - Check out Eddie V's version on Live: 11-6-00 - Seattle, Washington

17. "Cat's in the Cradle"(1992) by Ugly Kid Joe (Harry Chapin original, 1974)

16. "Over the Rainbow/ What a Wonderful World"(1993) by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (Judy Garland/Louis Armstrong original, 1939/1967)

15. "Superstar"(1994) by Sonic Youth ("Groupie [Superstar]" Delaney & Bonnie original, 1969)

14. "God Gave Rock and 'N Roll To You"(1991) by The Wyld Stallyns (Argent original, 1972) -Rumor has it that The Wyld Stallyns are merely lip-syncing a cover version by Kiss. But how could two kids from San Dimas ever pull that off? Hogwash.

13. "Gin & Juice"(2000) by The Gourds, NOT PHISH or O.A.R (Snoop Doggy Dogg original, 1993)

12. "Hurt"(2002) by Johnny Cash (Nine Inch Nails original, 1994)

11. "If I Were a Carpenter"(1976) by Johnny Cash with June Carter (Tim Hardin original, 1966)

10. "Rainbow Connection"(2001) by Willie Nelson (Kermit the Frog/Jim Henson original, 1979) - Jim Henson is such an effective hippie that he wrote a song uplifting and heartwarming enough to make a felt hand-puppet seem like a wiser choice for president than any candidate in the coming election. Willie Nelson is such a hippie that it wouldn't be the first time he voted "Green."

9. "Midnight Train to Georgia"(1973) by Gladys Knight & The Pips (Cissy Houston original, 1972) -Gladys and the gang stole Whitney's mom's thunder like Bobby Brown robbed her daughter of her legitimacy. I wonder if Cissy Huston's breasts are also seemingly nice but oddly far apart? But on a cold and weary evening, I want to be held close by the soothing pipes of big, cushy Gladys, not some skinny drug addict or her mom!

8. "Me and Bobby McGee"(1971) by Janis Joplin (Kris Kristofferson original, 1970) - Janis changed the character of "Bobby Mcgee" from a girl to a guy, and the song "Bobby McGee" from a decent song by a bearded man with a creepy voice to the most covered song of all-time.

7. "Woodstock"(1970) by Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young (Joni Mitchell original, 1970) - Like a total poser, Joni turned her boyfriend, Graham Nash's, stories about the festival into a pretty sweet tune that he later stole and turned into a hit after a spiteful domestic quarrel. Instead of performing at the 'Stock, she had insisted on spending that weekend taping The Tonight Show. She later chose to see Battlefield Earth on its opening weekend back in 2001 instead of Gladiator.

6."Hotel California"(1998) by The Gypsy Kings (The Eagles original, 1976) - This is why this song is #6, bottom line.

5. "My Way"(1979) by Sid Vicious (Paul Anka original, 1969) - 9 times out of 10, cross-genre covers are terrible. But this one was good enough to land the closing credits duties for Goodfellas, with lyrics as relevant to Sid as they had been to Old Blue Eyes when he made Anka's English original a hit. But in the end, it's not heroin that kills you. It's mocking Sinatra, you rat-bastard mutt-f*ckin' Pom, that does.

4. "Without You"(1971) by Harry Nilsson (Badfinger original, 1970) - Sometimes you need to pussify a song a tad bit more to make it good. I wonder if when Harry sang the chorus of the song he was thinking about the super-eerie fact that both Cass Elliot and Keith Moon expired while hanging at his London flat? I wonder if people ever ask him to babysit their kids?

3. "Take Me Home, Country Roads"(1972) by Toots & the Maytals (John Denver original, 1971) - Virginia, Jamaica, who gives a sh*t? However, when this song was a hit, the last place Toots and his Rastas would be welcome is on a country road. Silly potheads.

2. "Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go?"(1981) by Soft Cell (Gloria Jones/The Supremes original, 1964/1964) - Two covers in one? Why don't we just give 'em the trophy right now? I thought only college bands on 10 Cent Draft Night could pull that off. And every time a DJ doesn't play the full version of this song, he should be fired, skinned, and thrown down a sand dune. Unfortunately for Soft Cell, this song was also #2 on VH1's "Greatest One-Hit Wonders of All-Time" list.

1. "All Along the Watchtower"(1968) by Jimi Hendrix (Bob Dylan original, 1967 ) SORRY DAVE! XOXOX! - Gypsies, thieves, getting laid... sounds like a 7th Grade dance at my old junior high. Jimi Hendrix never met a song he couldn't make better, or a dose of LSD he couldn't make immediately part of his blood stream. Cause and effect, or Coincidence? Don't be stupid or Republican, and go put on your new Rob Thomas CD, cause that one's obvious. And Zimmerman, stick to the song-writing.

ShotPak: A Product That Will Change Game Day Drinking Forever

by Jonah Ansell, Rival Room Producer

It's a rare sight when we at Rivalfish go out of our way to endorse a product, but when there's a revolutionary product that can alter the way in which sports fans intoxicate themselves and can radically reduce the costs associated in doing so, we have to take a stand. If you've ever begrudgingly paid $8 for a beer in a stadium, keep reading, I am about to change your life.

Sports fans have long been the pawns of America's biggest beer companies. In the perpetual attempts to take your drunken dollar, beer companies have dangled attractive girls, frogs, lizards, a dog named Spuds, Cedric the Entertainer, Man Laws, Christmas lights, fake press conferences, not to mention endless numbers of 20-something everymen who in the presence of their "buddies" have found themselves in a precariously comedic 30 second situation, at the end of which, a tagline, a logo and a cheesy branded jingle attempts to link our living room laughter to a gameday purchase of a product with their company's name on it. From this day on, we won't hold it against you if you find yourself laughing at these commercials, but we WILL hold it against you if you ever again pay $8 for a beer. That's because a new company called ShotPak, Inc. is changing the way America drinks.

Simpy put:

ShotPak makes shots of alcohol, without the shot glass!

ShotPaks come in four flavors in factory-sealed 2" by 4" plastic packs, that have the malleable quality of a mini Capri Sun. They are easy to open, easy to chug, and most importantly, easy to conceal. And they'll save you 600% on your gameday drinking expenses.

And although we're not recommending outright that you sneak these into stadiums in the front and back pockets of your Levi's 501s, we will say that a single person can handily sneak in at least 15 ShotPaks, which should allow for pleasant inebriation for you and your friends, signficantly reducing your in-stadium beverage costs to only the cost of four large Pepsis imbibed by your designated driver.

And while we strongly encourage you to respect all stadium rules, to never drink and drive, and to be sure to drink responsibly, we also strongly encourage you to never again pay $8 for a watered down Bud Light. The enlightened, cost-conscious fan will be sure to pack a bundle of ShotPaks before heading out to the stadium, a costly downtown bar. They now come in four great flavors (we've tasted them, they're good): Sour Apple, Lemon Drop, Kamikaze and Purple Hooter. Straight shots are coming soon, we hear.

ShotPak's great invention comes as wonderful news to our good friend Colin who once poured a fifth of Jack into ziplock baggies and taped them to his inner thigh when attending a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley. As you can guess, yellow and blue DID NOT make green, and Colin had a pair of whiskey-soaked slacks, which as you can imagine, doesn't mix well with a hot Chicago sun.

For more information on ShotPaks and to find out where you can get ShotPaks near you, check out: http://www.shotpakinc.com/index1.shtml And remember, 21+ only, you damn silly kids.

LADIES LOVE OBSCURE RIVALRIES: The Bears vs. America's Team, Fate, and Destiny

By Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

On Sunday evening after the Chicago Bears beat the New Orleans Saints like an Italian mother with a wooden spoon after her son showed a sign of disrespect, I walked down Clark St. in Wrigleyville high-fiving every person I saw to a chorus of horns and yells. At this moment I suddenly realized that no baseball team winning the World Series could ever compare to this. Usually when I am walking down a Chicago street with a Cubs hat on, half the people love me, and the other half decide to vocalize their opinion on what my sexual orientation is. In ’05, when the Sox won The Series, half of the city was miserable, and the half that was happy was to busy rubbing it in the miserable half’s faces to appreciate it. This time, Chicago is a big Cluster Fuck of joy. Sox fans, Cubs fans, and even my dad, the last known Blackhawks fan alive, were embracing each other like their Ecstasy pill had just kicked in. However, there was not a single person in America that wanted the Bears to beat the Saints or thought the Bears could beat the Saints except for the residents of the Second City. Only Chicagoans know how the Bush supporters in 2000 felt when everybody was preparing to swear in the world’s best dancer, Al Gore (but I bet he does a sweet Robot).

The Bears vs America’s Team, Fate, and Destiny: There has not been an American professional team to win this big of a game with less of America on their side since the Arizona Diamondbacks won the ’01 World Series. With Patriotism as high as my brother at Bonnaroo the Diamondbacks upset the New York Yankees less than two months after some pissed-off terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center. In the fall of ’01 the Yankees, Patriotism, Bush, The Patriot Act, hating Muslims, and upside-down-backward visors were all equally the most popular thing in the USofA. To make the ’01 World Series even worse for the new found Patriots in America was the fact that team that beat their beloved Yankees boasted a large amount of fans that had to watch the game on ESPNdeportes while trying to memorize their fake Social Security Numbers.

After Hurricane Katrina, the Saints became the new team that mainstream America had to love or feel guilty about. As the Saints became a dominant team throughout the year, every person became a fan. Then the Saints were one win away from the Super Bowl and every TV network was preparing the best Feel Good Story imaginable to capitalize on it. But the Bears beat the Saints, sending them home to New Orleans, and 98% of America was crushed and ready to compare Urlacher to the likes of Osama Bin Laden and Hurricanes. I am just waiting for Kanye West to make a public announcement declaring that the Chicago Bears' players don’t like black people. Instead of an epic battle of a Saint against a Patriot (which, according to The Patriot Act, are the same thing) you have a Horse against a Bear.

The Bears vs. Sports Analysts: If you would have turned on ESPN during the past month you would have thought the Bears were a lucky 8-8 Wild Card team that limped into the playoffs instead of a team that led the NFC from start to finish and won the NFC by an impressive 3 games. The analysts made it seem as if the Bears were lucky enough to beat the depleted Seahawks, but would get blown out of the water by the prolific Saints Offense. After a while, some Bears fans started to lose faith in their hometown boys. Can you blame them? Most of the so-called experts said that Isaiah Washington from Grey’s Anatomy had a better chance of the tabloids letting go of his comment about homosexuals than the Bears had of winning. For a second I even began to doubt the Bears' chances. I mean, they lost their Pro Bowl Safety and Defensive Tackle, and Rex Grossman was looking like he couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

But then, the Friday before the Saints game, I turned on SportsCenter and Sean Salisbury picked the Saints to blow out the Bears by double figures, and the Professor, John Clayton, took the Bears to win. After Sean Salisbury took the Saints in a route I knew the Bears were headed to the Super Bowl. Sean Salisbury can predict the NFL as well as Mush from A Bronx Tale can gamble (“Put him in the bathroom!” – Sonny). Just ask the Carolina Panthers how they feel about Salisbury giving his preseason prediction that they would win the Super Bowl. Salisbury, your abilities to play football and analyze it are way too similar in their crappiness. Salisbury, I speak for the rest of Bears fans when I say, "Get the hell off of Chicago ESPN radio, and please predict the Colts to win the Super Bowl."

AMERICA'S HOTTEST DESPERATE BEARS' FAN NOW AVAILABLE ON EBAY

By Jonah Ansell, Rival Room Producer

Much has changed in the American dating scene since 1985. Most notably: the rise of technology. Voyeristic dating used to only come in the relatively tame form of Chuck Woolery's The Love Connection, where we could sit on our couches and watch schmucks with mullets get denied by girls with bangs. But with the rise of Match.com and JDate.com (where my grandmother wishes I would post a photo and profile), the way we date has radically changed forever. Our potential dating partners scour through information that we've carefully scripted to paint a picture of our "idealized" self, rather than our unexciting "actual" self, and we leave the burden on our potential date to wade through the bullshit.

And although technology has changed, fandom has not. Oh, and neither has the level of male desperation.

A recent posting on EBay reveals that one desperate (and smoking hot) Bears fan is making herself available as your "date" to the Super Bowl. She's already got her plane ticket, all she needs is....one of your tickets.

Sarah, 26, a Cornell graduate and Brentwood, CA resident has already received 47 bids for her "services," with the leading bid currently topping out at over $2,000. Sarah swears she's "not an escort," but her clearly fake boobs and LA residence make us wonder otherwise. And folks just because she lives in Brentwood, CA does NOT MEAN that Kato Kaelin is her houseguest, but we haven't yet ruled out that possibility.

Rivalfish CFO Scott Merz ran a few numbers for our readers and has calculated that our desperate EBay-bidding fellow Chicagoans are PAYING over $2,000 to have the opportunity to GIVE a $2,000 market-value ticket to this fellow Bears' fan, for a MINUTE CHANCE AT ACTUALLY BANGING HER.

With that price tag and those odds, one Bears' fan will be paying $4,300 for a 2% chance of intercourse with a hot female fan. Which means that this fan will be essentially be paying $215,000 for sex with ($4,300/2%). Oh, did we mention that Sarah will spring for the beer and food? What a generous doll, she is.

So Bears' fans, we know this day comes once every 20 years, but Rivalfish strongly suggests, on behalf of your loving wife, that you take one of your best buddies to the game instead of this hot young 20-something who would do just about anything for a ticket. But remember fellas, like Meatloaf, she won't do THAT.

See her original EBAY posting here: Got Tickets? Take Me as a Date 2 the Super Bowl

See her MySpace page here: www.myspace.com/spainy

Her hobbies include: . basketball * hiking * beach volleyball * running * football * cubs games * music, music, music, music * books, words, words, books * long hugs * skinny guys with chicken legs * meeting people who challenge me and make me live my life with my eyes open * going to concerts and drooling over lead singers * traveling to new places and learning about different cultures * kissing * camping and roadtripping to see bands * sitting around a fire singing to a guitar * doing improv comedy and trying to get my career going as a tv host/sportscaster * learning, reading and exploring as much as I possibly can * wandering down Michigan Ave. in Chi-town * spending all day at a beach v-ball tournament in Hermosa then going to a beach bar for a drink in a bucket * wine and a picnic on the lawn at the Getty * going to see improv/sketch shows * good back massages * playing flag football and bbqing with friends * costume parties like "sleazy bosses and slutty secretaries" and "golf pros and tennis hos" * figuring out how to deal with all the crap life throws at you and how to learn from it * push-up pops and fat frogs * making out during a thunderstorm with rain pounding on the roof * photographs * rollerblading at mock speed at the beach * cooking * watching movies * flowers * haplessly rooting for the bears, cubs, bulls and t-wolves * lying in my hammock at my house in michigan * reading a book that changes my life * the hollywood scene can be entertaining sometimes (I like to find out the going rate for l.a. gold-diggers) * beer pong and flipcup tourneys * dinner parties and great conversations that last for hours * responding to "how tall are you" and "are those real" at least twice a day * schooling boys in pick-up bball * hitting on short dudes (with no intention of following through) * hustling people in pool and darts * pickin out my white-girl fro * making people laugh * candles that smell like cupcakes * men in football pants * talking shit in sports * perfecting the art of being a sarcastic bitch ; )

She's a 1998 graduate of Lake Forest High School (Vince Vaughn's alma mater) and she's got brains too! A 2002 graduate of Cornell, this beauty clearly knows how to market her goods in today's marketplace.

And best of all, she writes a better Super Bowl Shuffle Remix than our lame effort here at Rivalfish, so you gotta give her some cred!

And the big question is, would you pay over $2,000 just to sit next to this young lady?

SAY "CHEESE!" - THURSDAY

Nation Unconvinced Meaningful College Basketball Televised as Early as January

BE A SPORT, CHICAGO!

Rival Room readers are notoriously unmotivated and illiterate. They need to be mentored, and taught the touches of true satirical elegance. So we begged a legitimate online newspaper, The Beachwood Reporter, to teach us how to present useful information that would better our readership, like a bunch of stand-up guys with no criminal records or orphan pasts. So here’s the definitive list of what each person in the city of Chicago should do on a daily basis to pay heed to their sporting itch. Vagisil is recommended for your other itch.. Check it out. Check out Beachwood. Check out these adult-seeming activities for the next week in Chicago. But please come back. Maturity is for grad students and wine anyway - Tello Real, Rival Room Editor

Thursday: To Compete/ Overdo-it. NFL Super Bowl Pick’em. www.faniq.com. This is my new favorite sports blogs, as it caters to the countless men who need a new way to trick their wives into thinking they are analyzing the family’s financing rather than gambling for pride with strangers on the internet. FanIQ, if I could have married you in the first place, I would have.

Friday: To Gamble/ Root for Ben-Hur. Live Harness Racing. Maywood Park @ 8600 W. North Ave. 7:20pm. $2, $3 for Saddle & Sulky Room. Not to be grim, but the way I look at it, there’s a much better chance of some type of entertaining crash with all those little buggies bouncing around off of horses that don’t want them there. Do these horses get bullied by real non-harness thoroughbreds when they pass each other around the stables?

Saturday: To Pick a Side/ Bask in Contentment. SoxFest 2007. Palmer House Hilton @ 17 E. Monroe. 10:00am - 5:00pm. Undisclosed. It worries me that after 14+ seconds of scouring the website, I couldn’t find the price of tickets to this gloried High School Sports Banquet. This could be their new plan to get big talent without giving up fan favorites. Get everyone to the door of SoxFest, guilt-trip them into a hefty entrance fee, and then go out and sign Danny Almonte.

Sunday:To Make an Old Man Happy/ Watch Hockey. Chicago Blackhawks v. Calgary Flames. United Center. 2:00pm. $10 - $250. At this point, hating Pulford is like hating someone with Parkinson’s for not remembering you. Just appease the man for once, pretend the television blackout was working on you, and go to the game in person. It’ll only cost $10. Or $250 if you want to be offered a constant virtual reality feed of Mikita and Hull on a power play.

Monday: To Learn/ Make Odd Decisions. Chicago Bulls: Ask the Docs. Free! Say you had a tough weekend of moving couches around so that you and your friends could perfectly simulate the Detroit Greektown Casino Poker Room environment. Say you like sports so much that you’d rather ask a team doctor’s blog for medical advice than speak to a physician that can actually observe your symptoms and write you a prescription. Well, they’ve invented the perfect site for you, Schmuck..

Tuesday: To Support Big Ten Athletics/ Watch Men in HD. The Matt Painter Show. CSN. 4:00pm. It makes me happy when guys get their own half-hour on television to discuss college sports. However, it makes me cry for the sanctity of our nation when I realize the only people who are watching have some unhealthy betting interest in Purdue Boilermaker basketball or one of their coming opponents.

Wednesday: To Become an