SAY "CHEESE!" - MONDAY

After Conversation with Underappreciated Administrative Lifer Making $175k/year, Michael Vick Becomes Saddest Millionaire Pothead in History of World

TOP FIVE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS of ALL-TIME

by Tello Real, mraspatello@rivalfish.com

You've seen them everywhere: in your Dentist's office, your douchebag coworker's cubicle, and even under your mom's skirt while she's robbing the Meijer's. People who buy these should be robbed of their savings accounts, and suffer identity theft and constant pornsite pop-ups for the remainder of their pathetic existence. Unless they buy these ones.....

5.


















Just keep this genius insight in mind when you visit that 3rd-grade class your girlfriend teaches in the ghetto. We all know minority girls get down at a younger age.

4.

No, it won't fill the hole in her sole. And it's going to take about three of your little guy to fill the hole in her anything.

3.
















I hear this Dude has a sweet Dora the Explorer blow-up doll you little girls can play with while the little boys play a couple levels of handcuffed Gameboy.

2.
















Being a bar-back to pay your way through school isn't that bad, now is it?

1.
















God, will anyone ever invent a Flux Capacitor? Please?
God?

The Angry T's Angry Thought of the Day: Barbaro Revisited

"So angry that one time he shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Check him out at www.theangryt.com" - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

I don’t give a shit what you are doing right now, but you better stop and listen. Whether you are performing brain-surgery, single-handedly fixing global warming, piloting the space-shuttle or artificially inseminating a panda, stop and listen to this: Barbaro’s second full brother was born! I know, take a minute, let it sink in. Digest that headline and pick up the chair that you just fell out of in response to that groundbreaking news.

In case you were wondering, I didn’t have to dig for this information. I found this story on the front page of CNNSI.com. There is a group of decision makers that believe that you need to know if Barbaro’s mother, La Ville Rouge, which translated from French means: “Skank Whore”, has another baby. That group of decision makers is not from the 4-H Club or the National Horse Association, they are from goddamn CNN. Nice journalism Wolf Blitzer, get your act together.

If I see one story, and it will only take one, saying something sappy like, “In death, life springs anew”, in reference to Barbaro’s death and his brother’s birth, I might spontaneously combust. I can’t stress this fact enough, “This is a goddamn horse.” The only people that care about this horse, or this family are the women in large floppy hats that populate the stands at the Kentucky Derby and the wonderful people at Elmer’s glue. This demographic makes up about 128 people, 80 percent of which are interested in putting this new colt “to use” in making a model airplane. Most importantly, I want the news covered consistently, meaning that next time Rin-Tin-Tin has a brother, I want that shit on the front page of the New York Times.

EVERYONE LOVES RHYMES ABOUT THEIR PRIVATES! Mickey Avalon "My Dick" Lyrics Contest Results

As you may recall, last month I blindly went to a concert and got a little too into the performer I had stumbled upon: Mickey Avalon. I started playing his CD on repeat to the point that my roommate had to hold my puppy ransom with a loin-full of poisonous peanut butter to get me to cool it. I even started throwing around loot that Rivalfish didn’t have, offering free concert tickets to Rivalfish readers that submitted their funniest alternative lyrics to the Avalon hit, “My dick.”

And a bunch of losers actually submitted. Thanks for making me look less lame, relatively. As a "thank you" similar to the time I gave my grandma a schwaggy roach for helping me study for my ACTs, I’ve decided to give free tickets to three winners instead of two. But not because Rivalfish has blown up like Xanax trading in the Rutgers Women’s Basketball locker room. I recently was visiting my folks and mommy left her purse open. With that kind of cash, she must be the one selling those ‘scripts to those kids.....

*Names have been changed to protect future job prospects of the following filth-minded individuals.

My dick, triple double without sweatin’
Yo’ dick, got called fo’ three seconds

My dick, proud and applauded,
Yo’ dick, hope nobody saw it

My dick, VIP at da club,
Yo’ dick, found dead in da tub

My dick, leaves gaping holes in hos’ butts,
Yo’ dick, leaves urine on your nuts

My dick, known to rise to the occasion,
Yo’ dick, couldn’t satisfy an Asian

Jay Dadiraper., Grundlechuckler, ME


My minge, can fight Chuck Norris
Yo’ minge, got a fugly clitoris

My minge, gotta line of fellas waitin'
Yo’ minge, only masturbatin'

My minge, tasty like a Twizzler
Yo’ minge, no better than Sizzler

My minge, sweeter than sugar
Yo’ minge, crusty like a booger

My minge, could start a new religion
Yo’ minge, made some horrible decisions

Shandra Levy, Mangargles, IL


My hoo, was pricey on ebay,
Yo’ hoo, was found on the freeway

My hoo, always guaranteed for great sex
Yo’ hoo, gets you sick like Tex-Mex

My hoo, smooth like satin
Your hoo, dead like Latin

My hoo, can throw a mean upper-cut
Your hoo, fleas like a dirty mutt

My hoo, strike a pose like Madonna
Your hoo, is ugly like your mama.

Rebecca McMetermortle, Park Ridge WV

SAY "CHEESE!" - TUESDAY

Prior "Back in His Comfort Zone" With Tuesday-Night Surgery in Birmingham

Rivalfish Sucks Compared to These Sites...... Now Will You Link to Us?

• Everyday should be like 4/20, bro (Sportable)
• A Little Note to ESPN (Lost in the Ivy)
• Make Believe Gambling IS NOT Lame, Mom, I Swear (Running with the Bulls)
• Pretty Much Exactly Like Your Saturday Night (YouTube)
  

DAN RASPATELLO's TOP FIVE COACHES in SPORTS FLICKS

By Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

If you are looking for an inspirational speech from Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday, or a great underdog story like Hoosiers or Miracle, then this is not the Top 5 for you. To make my list you had to achieve a miracle that could only be possible in fiction, or commit an act that would get you arrested in real life.


5. Major League (1989) - Lou Brown (James Gammon)

What a great manager. He took a couple has-beens and a bunch of never -weres and turned them into a playoff team (before the Wild Card, so only 4 teams made it). At first he was not even sure if he wanted the job.

Charlie Donovan (GM): How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...

Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

During the year he made his lead-off hitter, Willie Mays Hayes, do ten push-ups in the batters box every time he popped up during a game. He also informed Willie that, "You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit." He also figured out that Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, needed glasses, stood naked in front of the owner, made a life-sized cardboard stand-up of the owner and took off a piece of her clothes after every win, put a boat motor in the hot tub after the jets broke, and had the best mustache in sports movie history. Hey, Lou, can you coach the Cubs?


4. Little Big League (1994) - Billy Heywood (Luke Edwards)

This actor was a bigger one hit wonder than Chumbawumba. As I am sure everyone that was a child in the '90s remembers, Bill Heywood's grandpa owned the Minnesota Twins, and then died and left the team to his grandson. The team sucks, and they are in last place, so he appoints himself head coach. Obviously they become one of the best teams, but lose to a Mariners team led by Griffey Jr., and Randy Johnson (some great early 90s superstar cameos in this movie). After the year is over he decides he is going to go back to being "just a kid."

During his time as a coach his single mom starts to nail the star first baseman, Lou Collins (played by Timothy Busfield a.k.a. the dickhead brother-in-law/banker in Field of Dreams). How unrealistic is that? Hey, I am an all-star Major League Baseball player. I think I am going to start dating a middle-aged lady with a 12-year-old boy. What would have made this movie a lot better is if Griffey Jr. or Randy Johnson would have been giving it to his mom, so they could get the upper hand in the pennant race.

One of my friends makes a cameo in this movie. During one of the games they show the crowd, and there is a ten year old in a full-on Canadian Tuxedo. Take a look, it is worth it.


3. Ladybugs (1992) - Chester Lee (Rodney Dangerfield)

It is always a good start when their name sounds like pedophile's name. Chester is trying to move up the company ladder, so he coaches the company-sponsored all-girl soccer team. They suck, but his fiance's troubled teen son, Mathew, is a good athlete with too shitty of grades to play school sports. Thus, he gets Mathew to dress up as "Martha" to help his team win games. Mathew is played by the late great actor Jonathan Brandis, who you might remember from such great movies as IT, Outside Providence (he plays Mousy), and his Academy Award winning performance along side Chuck Norris in Sidekicks.

How did the writer, director or producer pitch this movie to the studio? "Alright, here is the scoop. I am going to have a 60 year old man dress up his fiance's 14 year old son as a girl, and make him change in front of him." Can you imagine if they tried to come out with this movie in 2006?

Jonathan Brandis killed himself in 2003, so at least we know that getting dressed up as a girl by a 60-year-old man has no long term mental damages. What? Too soon?


2. The Bad News Bears (1976) - Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau)

Before hitting children, racism, and drinking alcohol in public was considered socially unacceptable, Walter Matthau stared in The Bad News Bears. Billy Bob Thornton starred in the remake of this (summer 2005), but they had to sugarcoat it. This once again proves the liberals have won.

Coach Buttermaker openly drinks in the dugout during games, offers little leaguers beer, encourages fights, allows racism, and drinks while kids are in his car. His star player is an 11 year old who already drives a motorcycle, and his star pitcher is an 11 year old girl who talks about her boobs with him. I would try to create jokes, but I will just show you direct dialog from the movie instead.

This is a quote from the 11 year old shortstop, Tanner (the one who tried to fight the entire 7th grade), describing the team make-up to his coach after a girl joins the team.

Tanner Boyle: Jews, spics, niggers, and now a girl?

To make it even more politically correct the Jewish kid is the worst player and only is allowed to keep score and do other number-crunching for the team, the black kid prays to Allah, calls all the white players and coach "honky," and says "sucka" constantly. And finally, the Hispanic player does not speak a drop of English. I can not believe that 30 years ago this movie was not only allowed, but an instant classic. I do not know what to say. I guess I will just end it with one more quote.

Engelberg: You're not supposed to have open liquor in the car. It's against the law. (as he holds up an empty he found in his coach's car)
Coach Morris Buttermaker: So is murder, Englebert. Now put that back before you get me in real trouble.


1. Might Ducks (1992) - Coach Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez)

Coach Bombay is a powerful lawyer who never loses. Then one day he gets a DUI, gets suspended by his firm, and his punishment is to coach a Pee-Wee hockey team from the ghetto. So, let me get this right, you have a DUI felon taking care of and driving around 12-year-olds as a way of punishing him. At least we know the system is keeping everybody safe. Normally I would point out how fake it is that ice hockey is being played in the ghetto, but this movie takes place in Minnesota.

My favorite part of this movie is when the worst player's (Pacey from Dawson's Creek. I've never seen that show, but my high school girlfriend told me he was in it.) mom starts to get busy with Coach Bombay to insure a little more playing time for her son. Ms. Casey Conway's work gets rewarded when her son gets to do the Gordon Bombay "triple deke" to win the Pee-Wee championship over the Hawks.

Coach Bombay produces two different miracles while coach of the Ducks:

1. He takes a group of kids who, for the most part, cannot skate, and turns them into Minnesota Pee-Wee State Champions. In the following year, with the exact same team (with a few add-ons: Kenny Wu, Dean Portman, Dwayne Robertson, and Julie "The Cat" Gaffney), he leads Team USA to the Gold in the Junior Goodwill Games

2. He quit hockey after Pee-Wee (age 12), and at age 30+ is still good enough to play professional minor league hockey.

The only realistic thing about this whole movie is the psycho coach of the Hawks. Anybody who grew up playing club hockey knows the nutjob parents/coaches who are a part of it.

DAN RASPATELLO's TOP FIVE WAYS to PASS TIME in COLLEGE WITHOUT USING BOOZE (or Pot or VICE)

by Dan Raspatello, draspatello@rivalfish.com

As I am preparing to return to my alma mater, Indiana University, for the Little 500 Bike Race, I have been doing a little reminiscing about all the stupid stuff we used to do to pass time. The most beautiful part of college is the abundance of free time you have. And since you can’t drink or use illegal substances all the time, sometimes you need to use your creativity to find fun.

I know you could always use your free time to drink, get stoned, or gamble, but odds are you probably won’t make it to Junior year. So here are the Top 5 Ways to Pass Time in College without Booze, Pot, Online Gambling, or any other somewhat accepted vice (aka hunting for you southerners).

5. The Crave Case Race – A Crave Case is a briefcase of 30 “sliders” (mini-burgers) supplied to you by our healthconscious fast food friends at White Castle. If your friends were the same as mine, they were always bragging about how much they could eat, and always ready to call somebody a pussy who didn’t eat a the regulated “cool college guy” amount. My friends often got caught up in bragging about how many “sliders” or Taco Bell tacos they had eaten in one sitting. The amount was always an absurd lie that you could subtract at least 4 from.

So we decided to invent a game called the Crave Case Race to put an end to the folklore we had passed around about eating 87 “sliders” in one sitting. The game is simple: Break into teams of two or three (if you want to be a pussy about it), and give each team their own Crave Case. First team to finish their briefcase-full of future diarrhea and cholesterol problems wins the Race. If you “pull the trigger” (aka throw-up) you are disqualified.

A Grande Meal from Taco Bell is another great alternative.

This game was invented while drunk, so there might have to be an asterisk next to this game. (Actually, if they aren’t going to put one next to Barry Bonds’s records than we won’t put one next to this game.) We invented this game at a Sorority Formal. Nothing quite turns your dates on like jamming mini-burgers down your throats, and calling each other "pussies."

4. Wall Ball: The College Edition – Every boy that grew up and wasn’t in the Drama Club played Wall Ball. The official court for Wall Ball was a Tennis Wall, but any hard wall with concrete or cement in front of it would do. You could use a Tennis Ball, Racquetball/Handball, or any other rubber bouncy ball. You had to throw the ball above a certain line (usually as high as the painted-on tennis net), and you couldn't let the ball bounce twice or throw it hard enough to leave the “playing area” on the fly. If you screwed up, you got one point against you.

The rules for the College Edition are the same, with one new stipulation. It is a lot like the drinking games you play in college, which are merely modifications of the things we used to do before needing booze to have a good time (beer-pong/bozo buckets, playing cards, putting a keg on second base for softball or kickball game, etc.).

The modification for this game is not boozing (because that would be cheating the rules of this Top 5). Instead, every time someone loses a point they have to stand facing The Wall, and allow the others to take turns throwing the ball at the failure from the baseline of the court. It is amazing how much the little blue bouncy racquet ball can hurt, and it is even more amazing how equally hard you laugh each time somebody gets drilled in the back-sack successfully.

This game can also be played with a soccer ball. You juggle the ball, and the person who botches the juggle has to take turns letting the other players kick the ball as hard as they can at their back (a beach-friendly game). When playing the same way but with a Hacky Sack, you get to throw it at the loser instead of kicking it. The Racquetball/ Wall-Ball version is the best because it is way easier to hit somebody with a throw than a kick, and you don’t have to look like a hippie.

3. IP-Relay – I am sure by now that most of you have used this great service. IP-Relay is a wonderful service that allows deaf people to make phone calls via an online instant messaging service (www.ip-relay.com). You simply go to the website, punch the phone number in that you want to call, and an operator calls the person of your choice and relays to them what you are typing. Whatever you type, they say over the phone to the person you're calling. During my freshman dorm experience we used this almost as much as video games to pass the time.

Is there a better way to keep in-touch with your high school friends than by having some random operator calling them at 3pm on Tuesday afternoon asking, “Mr. (fill in the made up name of your choice) wants to know how he can get the puppy and prostitute to stop crying in unison from his locked closet?”

The operator typing your shocked friend’s response back to you is priceless: (fill in friend’s real name): Um [ten second pause] what? I think you have the wrong number…

That is when you write back something personal that only somebody close to him would know. “Mr. (fill in the made up name of your choice) wants to know why you went rollerblading with your high school girlfriend that weekend you thought all your friends were out of town. Were you wearing the recommended wrist guards for this?”

It is also fun if you and your prank calling partner both know about IP-Relay because you can join forces, and really start scaring/weirding-out the IP-Relay operator. There is nothing like the operator typing, “rubbing alcohol and a ball-gag” in response to your puppy and prostitute crying question to keep your time passing entertainingly .

2. Hot Sauce – No, I don’t mean in that homoerotic frat boy ritual of pouring it down your ass crack during hell week. It is actually a game that I made up my sophomore year of college.

One afternoon, as we were sitting in our “how did we convince our parents to let a bunch of immature and unsupervised 19-year-olds kids get a house” house, we realized how pathetic and un-athletic we had let the high school versions of ourselves get. We decided that we would go out front and toss around the football to get some exercise. After each of us ran three routes, and could hardly breathe, we decided to move it inside to the couch.

Still feeling pathetic about our far fall from athleticism we decided to play catch while sitting on our couches. As we were tossing the ball around and watching ESPN (I think we thought watching sports would make this more of a sport) I noticed our economy sized bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce sitting on the coffee table (you know the coffee table that you get from your grandparents' house after they die). As I looked at the hot sauce I had an epiphany, this ingenius idea popped in my head like I was Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code.

I turned to my friends and said, “How about we each sit on separate pieces of furniture (we had a pretty big living room), we start throwing the ball harder at each other, and incorporate no-look-passes. And every time you drop a pass or make a crap throw you have to take a cap sized shot of hot sauce?”

The game Hot Sauce instantly became a bigger hit than Meth in a West Coast trailer park. We played all the time, and laughed hysterically each time someone had to take a shot of hot sauce which was usually followed by a sprint to the bathroom to possibly throw-up.

It was always fun to play with your friend who only wrestled or played offensive line growing up. His hands were more like paws, and it didn't look like he had opposable thumbs when he tried to catch the ball.

1. The NyQuil Race – This game is simple, very unsafe, and really dumb (exactly like college itself). You buy a bottle of liquid NyQuil, which comes ins both reddish-black and greenish-black magical versions. After your purchase you round up a few of your friends who have nothing to do on a Tuesday. Then follow these steps:

1. Get 4 or more people who are participating in the game to all sit in the same room on couches, and in an upright position.
2. Equally pour at least double the medically suggested amount out to each participant.
3. Before drinking the NyQuil, each participant must take out a $20 bill and place it on the center table.
4. At the same time, every participant drinks their NyQuil in full.
5. The person who can stay awake the longest wins The NyQuil Race and the money, and is forever a leader amongst retards.

When playing this game it is important that there is at least one person observing the game that is not a participant. You can call this person “smart” or “referee,” but you are in college so you will probably just call him a “pussy.” When my friends played, they made the mistake of not designating a “referee,” and nobody could recall who won. It will be easy to find a “referee” for this because it is very funny to watch, and will only take fifteen minutes of his or her time.

SAY "CHEESE!" - THURSDAY

Jaime Buehrle Overheard Wishing Husband Mark "Would Have Pitched That No-No for the Cardinals"

OSAMA BIN-LADEN VOTED 3rd MOST EVIL YANKEES FAN FOR 2007

"Pete Keeley of The Jo-Tel (pronounced 'hotel' because he's cooler than you) fame has trouble making people like him. The following article is a very clear indication as to why. Apparently, more-legitimate news organizations think that this article will make people hate their publication and Pete alike. We disagree. We think it shows his breadth as a man and integrity as a journalist." - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

by Pete Keeley, www.jo-tel.com

Osama Bin Laden, the leader of Al-Qaeda and the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks slipped down to third on the annual list of "World's Most Evil Yankees Fans." This is Bin Laden's 15th straight year on the list, breaking the record of 14 previously held by serial killer, John Wayne Gacy.

It is not known exactly why or how Bin Laden began his love affair with the Bronx Bombers, but there is no doubt that he is a die-hard fan. In a video released in early 2003, he admitted candidly that the reason for the attacks on New York City and Washington, DC was a questionable call by plate umpire Rick Reed who, in a 1997 game against the Detroit Tigers, called a strike on a check swing by Jeter to end the 9th inning with a runner stranded on third. The Tigers ended up winning the game in the 12th, costing Bin Laden a $500 bet he had made with Libyan dictator and Tigers fan, Muammar al-Gaddafi.

When Bin Laden was informed that he had made the list yet again this year he released a new video tape to Al Jazeera. In it, Bin Laden foregoes his normal attire and instead appears dressed from head to toe in Yankee pinstripes. He wears the number 23 jersey of Don Mattingly, his all-time favorite Yankee according to those close to him. Nevertheless, he apologizes to his fellow Yankees fans for not having a more up-to-date jersey, explaining that it's hard for him to keep up since he really has been living in a cave for 10 years (this poor attempt at humor was followed by a rim shot believed to be the work of Al-Qaeda lieutenant Ayman al-Zawahiri. U.S. Intelligence is currently seeking information on any snare drums or crash cymbols recently sighted in the mountainous regions of Pakistan). On the tape Bin Laden predicts that Allah will reach down with a fiery sword to smash the Great Aggressor, the United States. He also predicts Yankees over Braves in 5 in this year's World Series. After he's done predicting things he says some bad stuff about Jews, calls Dice-K a "pussy" and makes fun of "Fever Pitch."

Bin Laden then stands up and pulls down his pants, revealing a tattoo of All-Star closer, Mariano Rivera on his right butt cheek. When reached for comment, Riviera called this article "in poor taste."

Bin Laden, who ranked first on the list in '02 and again in '04 was bumped out of the top spot in '05 by Musa Hilal, a tribal leader of the Janjaweed militias which have been responsible for the deaths of as many as 200,000 Sudanese, and have caused over one million refugees to flee from the Darfur region. He is know to personally beat his enemies to death with a bat signed by the entire 2000 World Championship team. Also above Bin Laden on this year's list is Scott Merz of Chicago, Illinois, a man whose soul is as black as the deepest recesses of the earth. He holds daily communion with the Dark Lord, Satan, and is an occasional studio drummer for the popular band, Smashmouth. Rounding out the top 5 were Ernst Stavro Blofeld, leader of the worldwide terrorist organization, S.P.E.C.T.R.E., and Joe Simpson, father and manager of pop sensations Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. He is mostly on the list for not forcing his daughters to get naked and make out with each other.

Stay tuned in May when the Top 5 Biggest Dip Shit Red Sox Fans, and the Top 5 Biggest Prick Lakers Fans lists are released to the media.

In Lieu of Fight, Tim Duncan Challenges Joe Crawford to an Academic Decathalon ala Billy Madison

"So angry that one time he shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Check him out at www.theangryt.com" - Tello Real, Editor-in-Chief

by The Angry T, anthony.guerreso@gmail.com

As a Michigan fan, I already hated Joe Crawford, the turncoat Benedict Arnold de-committing jerk-off that plays college basketball at Kentucky. How does it taste Joe, now that your coach has left? Eat it pal, see you in Fayetteville for LowGators of the NBDL. Now, I have a reason to dislike another Joe Crawford.

Whatever happened to the ref not being bigger than the game and shelving their pride? It's pretty funny that Crawford is trying to get into it with glass-of-water and piece-of-white-toast Tim Duncan. Is there is more non-descript and “eh” super-star in the NBA? What about Stephen Jackson, hasn’t this guy thrown eight or nine F-bombs in your direction after a weak call? Throw a bunch at Steve, I guarantee at least three retaliatory gunshots. Or Ron Artest, for shit's-sake that guy probably starved your dog and beat your wife, why don’t you fight him Joe? But oh no, you want to get into it with Tim Duncan. Take it down a notch or two Joe, you are no Dick Bavetta, you never know when that ticker might give out. Almost more importantly, Tim Duncan has a mean right cross and one hell of a reach advantage on Crawford. Tim Duncan would RKR you Joe, no doubt about it.

This potential grudge match got me thinking about other referee-athlete run-ins. We all saw the Baveta-Barkley outcome, but that was a little too tame for my liking. How about a boxing match instead of a race? Dick Baveta was the only man to ever knock out Jack Dempsey, in a 1907 non-title match (that is Bavetta standing over Dempsey, trust me). I bet he could knock the dust off the gloves and show Barkley a thing or two about the sweet science. There are other interesting run-ins as well, and a few of them a detailed below along with the favorite and what would probably happen if the two ever squared off. For your reading pleasure, the Top 5, athlete-referee confrontations:

5. John Hirshbeck vs. Robby Alomar Favorite: Hirshbeck

John Hirshbeck is a scary ass individual. The pride of Bridgeport, Connecticut was a former Golden Gloves champ. Now don’t do any research to confirm that, because I probably made up, but I have a feeling this guy would have beat the hell of out that little pretty boy Alomar. Honestly, Robby, who spits? Plus, Hirshbeck wanted another piece of Alomar and charged into the clubhouse the following day after Alomar alleged that Hirshbeck had called him a “faggot.” Hirshbeck by TKO, count it.

4. Tim McClelland vs. George Brett Favorite: McClelland

First of all, Tim McClellan is a big boy, look at that photo. Tim was also a stunt double for Mr. Larson in Happy Gilmore, so you know he can kick some ass. Second, and probably most important, if you have ever seen the video of the event, you see Tim McClellan stand completely motionless as a crazed George Brett runs right at him from the dugout. Tim McClelland is a fearless cat who refuses to be intimidated by anyone, even this guy. Score this one for McClelland, in the fifth round, by disqualification, when a frustrated and battered George Brett attempts to use “Brass Knucks” ala Steven Regal.

3. Delmon Young vs. Umpire that got hit by Delmon Young’s Bat Favorite: Young

To begin with, that was a terrible call by the ump. That ball was at least a half a foot outside. If I were Young, I would have forgone the bat throw, walked to the local heavy machinery rental depot, bought one of those really huge dump-trucks, and ran this guy down at home plate. Watch this video, no jury in the world would convict me if I showed them the pitch that was called a strike. As for the fight, the ump kind of takes it like bitch, which leads me to believe: A. He is a professional and B. He is a pussy. Delmon Young wins this one in a first round knockout.

2. Orlando Brown vs. Jeff Triplette Favorite: Brown

There is no doubt that Jeff Triplette is wiry. He is quick and he has one hell of a throwing arm. He demonstrated that rocket arm when he pelted Orlando Brown in the eye with a penalty flag and nearly ended Brown's career. Orlando Brown is a 6’7” 350 man beast who showers in grain alcohol, drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls,and once scissor kicked Angela Lansbury. The only way that Orlando Brown loses this match-up is if Triplette gets to bring his “Flags of Fury.” This is a David and Goliath story more true than the bible itself. The decision goes to Brown, who gets out-pointed in the early rounds, but wins the late rounds with the help of a set of Rec-Specs.

1. Mike Tyson vs. DX Favorite: Tyson

Mike Tyson is dangerous and Shawn Michaels found that out at Wrestlmania XIV. Sure wrestling is fake and of course the right hook Tyson delivered to Michael's jaw was fake as well. That being said, I would love to see Michaels and HHH throw down with that crazy bastard Tyson. With Tyson hopped up on coke, he wouldn’t feel the “Pedigree” or the “Sweet Chin Music.” I would take drugged up Tyson against a pack of wild lions, a herd of wildebeests or that son of a bitch Bill Brasky himself. Tyson wins with a first round KO of Michaels and HHH. X-Pac would have gotten involved, but he shit himself after the first two knockouts, ran away, changed costumes into the 1-2-3 Kid to avoid being recognized.

The Angry T

SAY "CHEESE!" - BREAKING NEWS

Imus calls Virginia Tech killer "squinty-eyed chink,"
immediately re-hired by CBS Radio

SAY "CHEESE!" - TUESDAY

Cubs Offense Too Good for Month of April

{The MLB Divisions are like guys you drink with}

TOP FIVE ATHLETIC PERFORMANCES by KIDS IN FILM

by Andy Green, altgreen16@hotmail.com

5. Henry Roengardner – Rookie of the Year(1993)
Roengardner made history by becoming the youngest player ever to reach the Major Leagues. His 100+ mph fastball, combined with the fact that the Cubs had yet another horrendous team, must have overruled all child labor laws. And that's not to mention those of Major League Baseball forbidding the signing of anyone under the age of 17 (the director chose to omit this scene from the film because it would have been common sense to all the viewers). Roengardner proceeds to become an absolute stud and fan favourite as the Cubs’ closer, which inspires the entire team to play better and win the division. He even struck out Barry Bonds, Bobby Bonilla and Pedro Guerrero (seriously, why the hell was he chosen as the other All-Star? The average kid seeing the movie had no idea who Guerrero was. This is even more questionable than the inclusion of Dave Magadan in Little Big League).

With a resumè this impressive, you would think that Roengardner should top this list. However, he drops to number 5 because he was clearly on steroids. When he broke his arm, the doctor gave him some B-12 shots and a cream to rub on it daily to accelerate the “healing process”. Seriously – one day he’s the goat of his little league team, unable to reach the cutoff man from right field, and the next day he’s lighting up the radar guns. Rumor has it that former Cub Rafael Palmeiro saw this movie 3,000 times in the theater.

4. Charlie Conway – The Mighty Ducks(1992)
For now we’ll pretend that this king of the ice did not hang up his skates to float around Dawson’s Creek. But in the early 90s, who didn’t idolize Conway and try to imitate the Triple Deke? He helped his coach overcome his old demons and showed capable leadership of the Flying V offense.

3. Becky “Icebox” O’Shea – Little Giants(1994)
She may not have been all that hot, but Icebox was the best football player in town. Her dedication to the sport she loved led to a whole flock of American girls playing football. Oh wait, no it didn’t. Still, Icebox was so good that she could cheerlead for the first half of the game, then just throw some shoulderpads on over the outfit and lead the Giants to victory against a much more talented team. Plus, getting knocked around by a girl would be demoralizing to any male athlete. Just ask Chuck Finley.

2. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez – The Sandlot(1993)
Pretty much the greatest baseball player and person ever. He was nice enough to include Scotty Smalls in their group despite the fact that Smalls was less talented than the pre-juiced Roengarder and thought that Babe Ruth was an old lady. Benny could hit the ball wherever he wanted and even played for the Dodgers later in life, where he single-handedly ushered in a mustache fad amongst pro ballplayers.

1. Kelly Leak – The Bad News Bears(1976)
Let me make it clear that I am referring to the original film, not the Billy Bob Thornton travesty from a couple years ago. Kelly Leak was an original badass, who preferred riding around on his dirtbike smoking to organized sports. Of course, he was also a natural at baseball and single-handedly made Chico’s Bail Bonds a household name.

Before he arrived, the Bears set the bar for terrible baseball teams. Then Buttermaker brings him in as the ringer and Leak carries the team on his back to the final (with some help from Tatum O’Neil’s character on the hill). Leak always seemed like a particularly shady character and the actor who played him (Jackie Earle Combs) was even nominated for an Oscar this past year for his portrayal of a child molestor. Something tells me Kelly Leak would have turned out the same way – especially after getting thrown out at the plate against the Yankees – but that doesn’t negate the fact that he was the best youth athlete ever in a movie. It didn't hurt that he was 23.

Dishonorable mentions to the kid from Ladybugs (he was playing against girls and still killed himself) and Lil Bow Wow (do you know anyone who has actually seen “Like Mike” – most probably don’t even know the movie exists).

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